Your situation sounds really tough, Go Fish, and I can see why you are exhausted and frustrated and hurt by it all. It would do that to me, too, if my own Husband (he has BPD traits) used my kids against me or treated me disrespectfully in front of them. Luckily, he has never done that, so that hasn't been a situation I've had to deal with... .
Sometimes you really do need to put your own emotional needs over those of your family, so if you cannot go on this family outing for your own well-being, you should be able to sit that one out. Will your Husband be offended? Your kids? Will it make your relationship with them worse? Or, will it go smoothly and then you can take care of yourself and get stronger while they are away? How long will they be gone? Will this be a respite for you? What do you plan on doing during that time in order to gain some calm and well-being?
Although you cannot afford Therapy where you are, coming here and reading all you can (please check out every single
link to the right-hand side of this page--you can read up during your "time off" from your family ), and maybe checking out some books (we have some
Book Reviews that can help) could start you on a journey to well-being. What books have you already read? Please tell us more of your situation, Go Fish... .We are here for you