Ended Things With BPD Woman, feel relieved but sad over loss of relationship

[Zeo500]

Hi

I posted this in the intro section and it was suggested I write this hear.  And I feel relieved but sad over the loss of this relationship.  And confused emotionally.

I met a wonderful woman about 3 months ago.  We dated for 2 months but I had to end it.  I'm not sure if she had BPD... .and I guess this is what I'm wondering.  My psychologist believes that she does have BPD.  What to you all think?

Anyhow, I met this woman, we re both in our early 30's.  We hit it off right away, things were going fantastic until 2 weeks into our dating.  We were walking together and I happened to mention a female friend who HAD a crush on me YEARS AGO.  I didn't think it was a big deal as I have been friends with this person for a long time now and I just thought I was making conversation.  And I made it clear we were friends.  I instantly felt a change of energy from her.  I could tell she was upset, even saying shaking her head saying "Here we go again."  and "Thank God I'm single."  At the end of the night as I dropped her off I asked her if she was ok.  She said she was, but I knew something was up.  She was just suddenly acting different.  I can tell there was some sort of shift in her personality.

The next morning she sent me a text message saying," You are not my type.  I don't want to see you anymore.  Next time don't mention another girl to a woman you are trying to get to know."  Shocked I instantly called her and she answered in an angry voice and said,"  WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?  WHY?  HOW DARE YOU MENTIONED THAT GIRL TO ME... .THINK THINK!."  She went on to say some hurtful things to me.  I was shocked, and since I had been having a great time with her and I thought that maybe I did do something dumb, I apologized.    She angrily accepted.

When I saw her again I told her that if anything I did bothered her she could always calmly tell me and I would listen and value what she said.  She said "ok," but that she just" pushes people away when she gets mad at them."

Another month went by. I never got over the incident and I began being very careful what I said to her.  However, she was great, but I did learn that she did not speak to her father ("he should have never been a father" or her 2 older sisters ("they are b___es".   And I was not allowed to ask what happened.

She would also go on rants about how men today are disgusting, have no values, and are not how men "use to be."  I was also told not to point my fingers the way I did ("you point with your middle finger too much", she wanted a man to be in "tune" with her, and she did not want to hear "cry baby" music where a man sings over lost love.  She said "If the songwriter would have treated his woman right then maybe he would not have to write such a sad song."

Also she told me she would go on 1st dates with men and as soon as they took out their phones, or mention an ex, she would storm out of the restaurant, leaving the man running after her asking "Why are you leaving?"

Anything could have been interpreted wrongly.  Even when I answered a text from a male friend she calmly and coolly said, "If there is somewhere you have to go then just go, I'm a big girl... I can just go home."  I was just answering a quick text that took 2 seconds.

Despite all this she was very caring, a very sweet girl.  And she did wonderful things for me... .I just felt like I had to watch what I did or say.

About 3 weeks later we were both out, relaxed and talking.  She asked me a personal question, I answered it honestly.  She instantly turned away from me, once again throwing me verbal jabs and then telling me that she "kicked her last bf's ass out!"  I don't really know where that came from and why she said it.  She wanted to go home.  Once in my car she violently threw a stuffed animal I gave her into the backseat of my car.  I asked her several times if she was ok, she ignored me the whole ride only saying (in a mocking valley girl voice) "Oh every thing is jusssst fine... .is that what you want me to say?"

She gave me a kiss goodnight.  Next time I spoke to her she acted like nothing happened.  When I brought it up she said she couldn't understand why I would bring things up from the past and ruin a perfectly good night.  She would not even let me explain my answer to the personal question she had asked. When I tried she said "SO?."

I was feeling nervous and ill at ease in general.  She was caring, considerate, and sweet... .but I also felt like there was a volcano awaiting to erupt underneath all sweetness. 

The next day I ended it.  She let me have it.  Telling me all the things I did wrong and how she tried so hard to make the relationship work.  She later apologized for what she said.  She claimed she was just mad.  But it's over.

I don't understand how a beautiful, caring woman can (at least to me) make a big issue over things that could have been easily discussed and resolved.  It's been a month now and I honestly miss her, when things were good, they were good.  It's just I felt emotionally unsafe and I had to end it in order to protect myself I guess.  It's too bad, because beneath all that she really is a kind person.  I'm left confused and sad about the situation... .not knowing what really happened.  I just felt something was off. 

Thanks

[camuse]

Wow, lot's of similarities with my situation here!

Your first red flag was EXACTLY the same as mine, finding out a female friend used to have a crush on me. Everything fine until then, and such an overreaction I knew something was not right.

EXACTLY the same comment about sad songs - in my case, when "Always on my mind" came on the radio.

EXACTLY the same reaction to using my phone, even if it was to answer a call from my sister or read a work email. Wanted me to get rid of my phone!

Is she BPD? I have no idea, but it isn't really important. These are huge red flags, from someone at best massively insecure. You are lucky to be out so soon - I dragged it out for 2 years, during with time many more incidents occurred leaving in mo don't mine was BPD - so I knew for sure, but what was the benefit of knowing? I knew it wasn't right from early on - just like you - and should have listened to my gut and got out at the first sign of trouble. I was stupid. I went on to experience lying, cheating, violence, belittling, emotional abuse, isolation, stress that caused me physical symptoms and was left a wreck - it took months to recover, and I missed the chance to meet healthy women in that time.

You however have been smarter than I. Yes you will miss her, but the longer you carry on the more destroyed you would be at the end. Be pleased with yourself for dodging this massive bullet, and saving yourself a lot of damage, grief, stress and misery, and of course precious time. Now cut her out of your life for good and move on.


Can I ask - what was the personal question you were asked?

[freedom33]

Hi Zeo500 - Welcome to these forums. Your situation and gf's behaviours remind me a lot of mine. The jealousy and anger brewing under the surface. The comments about the songs - the hatred about men etc. The only difference is that mine wouldn't rage so obviously most of the time but retaliate with punishing behaviours. Most vindictive person I met in my life yet at the same time combined with a kindness and sweetness when she was well. I also ended things first time on 3 months after the relationship for about month. Then she kept engaging with me and went back for another 3 months as I wasn't sure if it was her but then broke up for another month and repeated this a couple of times until I finished things for good. Your story certainly has a lot of ingredients for a BPD recipe. Consider yourself lucky you are out on 3 months. The longer one stays the longer one gets hooked. Keep away!

[drummerboy]

She sounds like a nutjob. Keep on walking, don't look back!

[Trog]

She doesn't sound like a sweet girl who is considerate, she sounds like a total biatch!

People who are mocking and aggressive over tiny inconsequential things are not sweet girls, and the behaviour you described isn't normal or acceptable. Im glad you got out of this before it went any further but you're going to have to work on your expectations from women, she sounds horrible! Expect much better!

[Zeo500]

Wow Can't believe the similarity!  

Is it the same woman?  You live in NY?  Really doubt it but who knows?

The personal question was " When was the last time you had sex?"  I answered honestly. The gist of my answer was that it's been awhile, and I also added that it was a "fling."  I think the word "fling" set her off.   During our final conversation she finally told me she felt "threatened" by my answer.  But if she would have just let me explain she would have seen that I didn't want the fling, the other woman did.  Besides, I made it very clear to her that I liked her and did many things to show her I did.  But yet she reacted that way.

I feel guilt because I know she blames me for ending it.  I also feel guilt because she was also nice to me (it wasn't all bad) and she took me out for my birthday, which she did not have to.  But as I said she was generous and caring.  So I feel like a heel sometimes, but I couldn't take the emotional ups and downs and walking on eggshells.  The volcano waiting to erupt under the kindness, generosity, and sweetness.  

[camuse]

She may be sweet 95% of the time ... .it's the 5% that is important.

[Zeo500]

Wow thanks for the responses.  It feels good to talk about it with others who might have had similar experiences.  Especially when doubt creeps in and I start to think "was it I who overreacted?"  "Should I have just dealt with it?"  But I now know that I did the right thing to follow my gut and feel that something was off.  But I feel bad for her because to her, it's men who "mess it up."  She once actually told me "why do men ruin everything?"

[freedom33]

She may be sweet 95% of the time ... .it's the 5% that is important.

95% of the time at the start in the first 3 months but trust me as time goes by 95% ----> 0%

[freedom33]

Wow thanks for the responses.  It feels good to talk about it with others who might have had similar experiences.  Especially when doubt creeps in and I start to think "was it I who overreacted?"  "Should I have just dealt with it?"  But I now know that I did the right thing to follow my gut and feel that something was off.  But I feel bad for her because to her, it's men who "mess it up."  She once actually told me "why do men ruin everything?"

Although there are plenty of ___holes out there it is not true that 'men mess it up'. That is a gross generalisation. There are good men out there. It's her attachment and emotionally unstable disorder that is messing things up for her primarily.

[Infern0]

We have the culture of feminism now which also enables female cluster b ' s to just run rampant.  The sort of behaviour that they participate in isn't something that society frowns upon these days.

It's easy to just blame men for everything,  well in this case the problem is within them. And because we don't live in a society where women like this are shunned and can just get away with this behavior they are far less likely to seek help and realize they need to learn how to behave like a human being.

It's a sad state of affairs,  there's going to be more and more of this as time goes by,  they are spawning at increased rates and society enables them more and more

[freedom33]

We have the culture of feminism now which also enables female cluster b ' s to just run rampant.  The sort of behaviour that they participate in isn't something that society frowns upon these days.

It's easy to just blame men for everything,  well in this case the problem is within them. And because we don't live in a society where women like this are shunned and can just get away with this behavior they are far less likely to seek help and realize they need to learn how to behave like a human being.

It's a sad state of affairs,  there's going to be more and more of this as time goes by,  they are spawning at increased rates and society enables them more and more

Well said. Mine was also a feminist. To be frank before I started dating her I was very sympathetic to the whole idea of female empowerment being disadvantaged and all. Now when I hear about feminists I get chills down my spine and want to  

A lot of feminists these days are not about doing positive things about women but hating and doing negative things to men - primarily cluster B females.

[camuse]

It might have been an interesting experiment to stick with her but let all her behavior wash over you without letting your boundaries down at all. Talk about what you like, without apology, refuse to accept her bad behavior, and so on. Let her act up, be indifferent to it. I wonder how she would have responded?

But in reality, you don't need this stuff in your life. You did well, now forget this broken mess and move on.

[drummerboy]

I think it's dangerous to generalise about "all men" or about feminists.

[myself]

doubt creeps in and I start to think "was it I who overreacted?"

Are doubt and overreacting patterns in your life that have caused much trouble in the past, or are they recent by-products of finding yourself caught in an out of the ordinary situation? When you chose to end the r/s, how did you approach it? What regrets, if any, do you have besides just letting go? When you accept the truth, the facts, were there valid reasons for you to feel and respond the ways you did? Some of us were pushed to freedom.

[Zeo500]

doubt creeps in and I start to think "was it I who overreacted?"

Are doubt and overreacting patterns in your life that have caused much trouble in the past, or are they recent by-products of finding yourself caught in an out of the ordinary situation? When you chose to end the r/s, how did you approach it? What regrets, if any, do you have besides just letting go? When you accept the truth, the facts, were there valid reasons for you to feel and respond the ways you did? Some of us were pushed to freedom.

I don't think I usually overreact but I guess I was giving her the benefit of the doubt for a second, so I thought I was "overracting" to her behavior.  It was just a thought I had... ."Maybe I should just deal with this."  But my gut told me there was something off with her.

I really clicked with her.  It was very easy.  It just deteriorated.  I just felt like something was not right, as per her behavior.  I began to not feel happy, and had anxiety over the whole situation because I was seeing all these red flags.  So after the 2nd "tantrum" she threw I knew I couldn't take this anymore because it seemed so odd and I felt emotionally scared.  Honestly, she was scaring me. The volcano under the tenderness. So one day I suggested we stop seeing each other and she let me have it.  Even saying 'How can you look yourself in the mirror?" and "I have to stop being a good person (as she began sobbing)."  I guess it worked, I felt guilty... .or maybe confused.  This whole experience has rattled me.  I never had this sort of jekall and hyde experience.

[camuse]

doubt creeps in and I start to think "was it I who overreacted?"

Are doubt and overreacting patterns in your life that have caused much trouble in the past, or are they recent by-products of finding yourself caught in an out of the ordinary situation? When you chose to end the r/s, how did you approach it? What regrets, if any, do you have besides just letting go? When you accept the truth, the facts, were there valid reasons for you to feel and respond the ways you did? Some of us were pushed to freedom.

I don't think I usually overreact but I guess I was giving her the benefit of the doubt for a second, so I thought I was "overracting" to her behavior.  It was just a thought I had... ."Maybe I should just deal with this."  But my gut told me there was something off with her.

I really clicked with her.  It was very easy.  It just deteriorated.  I just felt like something was not right, as per her behavior.  I began to not feel happy, and had anxiety over the whole situation because I was seeing all these red flags.  So after the 2nd "tantrum" she threw I knew I couldn't take this anymore because it seemed so odd and I felt emotionally scared.  Honestly, she was scaring me. The volcano under the tenderness. So one day I suggested we stop seeing each other and she let me have it.  Even saying 'How can you look yourself in the mirror?" and "I have to stop being a good person (as she began sobbing)."  I guess it worked, I felt guilty... .or maybe confused.  This whole experience has rattled me.  I never had this sort of jekall and hyde experience.

You clicked probably because she mirrored you. The real her is the tantrums. Think of her as a trojan horse - a dangerous enemy hiding inside a false inoffensive-looking exterior. She was simply a little to quick to let the first attackers out of their hiding place.

Seriously, the fact that you called it a day so quickly says something very positive about you. But you felt guilt already, that demonstrates how quickly and powerfully these types get their emotional hooks in. Imagine how you'd have felt if she'd been able to keep up her act for 6 months.

She will go away and hone her act now, next time she'll be a little more careful, and the next mark might not escape largely intact as you have done. Mine was a little more skilled - she hid the red flags for longer, and when they first emerged, she had an excuse for them. By the time she ran out of excuses, the guilt was too far entrenched in me and I was helpless. Then the real destruction began. This is serious stuff - just read some of the stories on her.

Be sure not to reengage if she gets in touch. It's very possible you have managed to escape the clutches of a serious emotional predator here. Thank your lucky stars and give yourself a pat on the back.

[Zeo500]

doubt creeps in and I start to think "was it I who overreacted?"

You clicked probably because she mirrored you. The real her is the tantrums. Think of her as a trojan horse - a dangerous enemy hiding inside a false inoffensive-looking exterior. She was simply a little to quick to let the first attackers out of their hiding place.

Seriously, the fact that you called it a day so quickly says something very positive about you. But you felt guilt already, that demonstrates how quickly and powerfully these types get their emotional hooks in. Imagine how you'd have felt if she'd been able to keep up her act for 6 months.

She will go away and hone her act now, next time she'll be a little more careful, and the next mark might not escape largely intact as you have done. Mine was a little more skilled - she hid the red flags for longer, and when they first emerged, she had an excuse for them. By the time she ran out of excuses, the guilt was too far entrenched in me and I was helpless. Then the real destruction began. This is serious stuff - just read some of the stories on her.

Be sure not to reengage if she gets in touch. It's very possible you have managed to escape the clutches of a serious emotional predator here. Thank your lucky stars and give yourself a pat on the back.

But about this guilt we feel?  What is behind it?  Why do I feel it?  Is it just the "emotional hooks?"  Or is there something else that makes me (us) feel "guilty" for calling it quits?  It's strange.  But I guess there is always some guilt when you end a relationship, even a short one like this one.

[Zeo500]

But about this guilt we feel?  What is behind it?  Why do I feel it?  Is it just the "emotional hooks?"  Or is there something else that makes me (us) feel "guilty" for calling it quits?  It's strange.  But I guess there is always some guilt when you end a relationship, even a short one like this one.

[freedom33]

But about this guilt we feel?  What is behind it?  Why do I feel it?  Is it just the "emotional hooks?"  Or is there something else that makes me (us) feel "guilty" for calling it quits?  It's strange.  But I guess there is always some guilt when you end a relationship, even a short one like this one.

To an extent most men have in their DNA the need to protect, to provide,  to procreate, to be solid, reliable, dependable etc. These are the building blocks of being a man - the basic instincts if you wish. The qualities of the archetypal man. The pwBPD appeals to all these things and the more you are build like that the more you are vulnerable to her. But what is good and wanted by most women it is an achilles heel for some of us who were with a pwBPD because one can never satisfy her. Eventually you feel that you let her and your manly responsibilities down. You start feeling guilty and then if you get hooked you start feeling like a failure. I don't know how much this resonates with you but letting her down basically challenged my core masculine identity - I am not in power of how others will appreciate what I do, and it is not up to me but to them eventually to do so - it was difficult to accept that I was in a losing game and let go. Seriously consider yourself very lucky that you got out relatively unscathed. There are people out there that are struggling for years, married, with kids and common assets. How tough must it be for them hey? A Sisyphean task... .

[Zeo500]

You Know?  That may be part of it.  I was (in my head when things were going well) suppose to be the guy who wasn't k=like the men she complained about.  In the end I ended it because I was emotionally scared but in her head I'm just another jerk who "needs to look himself in the mirror."

I need to let go of that... .I tried my best with this... .but the emotional up and downs, the Jekyll and Hyde and proverbial volcano under the sweetness was too much for me.

[Deeno02]

doubt creeps in and I start to think "was it I who overreacted?"

Are doubt and overreacting patterns in your life that have caused much trouble in the past, or are they recent by-products of finding yourself caught in an out of the ordinary situation? When you chose to end the r/s, how did you approach it? What regrets, if any, do you have besides just letting go? When you accept the truth, the facts, were there valid reasons for you to feel and respond the ways you did? Some of us were pushed to freedom.

I don't think I usually overreact but I guess I was giving her the benefit of the doubt for a second, so I thought I was "overracting" to her behavior.  It was just a thought I had... ."Maybe I should just deal with this."  But my gut told me there was something off with her.

I really clicked with her.  It was very easy.  It just deteriorated.  I just felt like something was not right, as per her behavior.  I began to not feel happy, and had anxiety over the whole situation because I was seeing all these red flags.  So after the 2nd "tantrum" she threw I knew I couldn't take this anymore because it seemed so odd and I felt emotionally scared.  Honestly, she was scaring me. The volcano under the tenderness. So one day I suggested we stop seeing each other and she let me have it.  Even saying 'How can you look yourself in the mirror?" and "I have to stop being a good person (as she began sobbing)."  I guess it worked, I felt guilty... .or maybe confused.  This whole experience has rattled me.  I never had this sort of jekall and hyde experience.

Wont go into details on my BS, but lets just say I felt alone... .even when I was with her.

[camuse]

We have the culture of feminism now which also enables female cluster b ' s to just run rampant.  The sort of behaviour that they participate in isn't something that society frowns upon these days.

It's easy to just blame men for everything,  well in this case the problem is within them. And because we don't live in a society where women like this are shunned and can just get away with this behavior they are far less likely to seek help and realize they need to learn how to behave like a human being.

It's a sad state of affairs,  there's going to be more and more of this as time goes by,  they are spawning at increased rates and society enables them more and more

You were just the next in a long line. Now she'll be saying the same things about you to the next guy, and he will think he is different ... .until he is added to the list.

[camuse]

Here's a question to ask - did you do anything you should have not done?

Were you out of order, or did she overreact?

[Pieter2]

Here's a question to ask - did you do anything you should have not done?

Were you out of order, or did she overreact?

I think this is the whole problem - I don't think any of us ever did anything wrong. This is the whole "walking on eggshells" effect. If we did something wrong, we would be able to change it but what happens is they constantly lashed out on us in order to keep us guessing what to do. This is abuse and I will NEVER be in such a r/s again.

[Zeo500]

Here's a question to ask - did you do anything you should have not done?

Were you out of order, or did she overreact?

While I agree with the above poster I will answer the question because it's a fair one.

As far as I know I was never out of order.  I never raised my voice, but she did.

Here is the problems she had with me:

I mentioned a female friend and that she had a crush on me once (maybe I should not have said that, it was just part of a story I was telling).

I answered a text in front of her ("if you want me to go home, I can go home I'm a big girl."

Apparently I pointed with my middle finger ("Stop using your middle finger to point."

I once had to end our 1 hour phone conversation because a friend of mine had been texting me and I knew I had to meet up with him.  (She later said," You had to get off the phone with me because your friend texted you?"

I answered her question about when the last time I had sex, and she had a tantrum and said hurtful things to me. 

In our last conversation she told me she tried so "hard" and had to "bite her tongue" with me "many" times.  Which I could not understand why because I called her, spent time with her, and listed to her.  Never raising my voice to her.

At the end of the day I was getting scared.  The thing that scared me was I didn't know what I would do to upset her.  And I was afraid of her rage, which I experienced twice (in 2 months) and sometimes saw it brewing a bit under the surface.  And this is not even mentioning times she would complain about men, doctors, and her job.

[Rifka]

Why is it important to mention anybody from your past having a crush on you when you are starting or in a new relationship with a new person? I'm not really understanding how anybody could feel this would help or feel good to the new person.

We all have past relationships, but while working on a new one, why talk about things that are not going to enhance the new one?

I would never talk to a new man that I liked about my male friends that have had or have crushes on me.

Maybe it's just me!

I would think it would make my new guy feel insecure, especially if my friend is still in my life. Plus if there are no feelings on my part other than a friendship with my friend, why would it be necessary to bring up as a discussion at all?

My ex talked so much about his exes, he was almost obsessed with it, many times a day in the beginning. I could understand talking about the mother of his children ( who to this day, I love and am great friends with!) but some things should just stay in your head without telling a new s/o.

Her responses to things are very off and show that there are many mental issues, and hurts from her past. It sounds like you ended it before you got totally sucked in to the dark hole of pd.

Sorry to hear that you are hurting. In time things will get easier.

Our b/u was about 2 1/2 months ago. I feel much better now than I did when I first came here.

Wishing you peace.

Rifka

[camuse]

Well in my case it was a female acquaintance, we were out and I saw someone who looked exactly like her and said "oh that looks just like X, I'll have to tell her she has a double!"

My ex asked if I had ever slept with X, and I said "No, don't be silly ... .although she did have a bit of a crush on me years ago!"

Maybe a silly thing to say, but really I thought nothing of it at the time. She asked. And even if it was irritating to my ex, it didn't justify the 5 hour rage that was invoked.

Also bear in mind that this was in the context of her telling me all about people she had slept with and things she had done sexually.

Context is important I think.


My T said it may actually be wise to throw little things like this into conversation early on, to see what reaction you get. Nothing over the top of course, just mention a female friend, or an ex, or be too busy to see them one night ... .see how they react. At the most, a healthy person might say "I don't like hearing about that" and you could say "No problem, thanks for telling me, I will not talk about that again." A person with a PD might shout at you for hours on end. OP got a totally over the top reaction which was part of why he ended it early on, and probably saved a lot of grief.

[Zeo500]

Why is it important to mention anybody from your past having a crush on you when you are starting or in a new relationship with a new person? I'm not really understanding how anybody could feel this would help or feel good to the new person.

We all have past relationships, but while working on a new one, why talk about things that are not going to enhance the new one?

I would never talk to a new man that I liked about my male friends that have had or have crushes on me.

Maybe it's just me!

Well, this female friend is a current female friend.  I was telling her a story about her and how she had a crush on me and later a friend of mine.  I just thought it was an offhand story that lasted about 3 minutes.  And for the sake of argument if I was in the wrong couldn't she just have spoken to me about it rather than fly into a rage?

[camuse]

  And for the sake of argument if I was in the wrong couldn't she just have spoken to me about it rather than fly into a rage?

I think this is the key. We all say dumb things from time to time, we all do dumb things and p*** people off. Relationships involve an element of apology/forgive/move on, unless it's something insurmountable - rather than rage/never forgive/never forget !