Tricked into Fatherhood

[ImaFita]

Ok.

So I have a situation atm with my sons Mother.

She is undiagnosed BPD, however both my psychologists have hinted about BPD.

Anyway, in 2009 I had sexual relations with this girl 5-10 times over the space of a year.

During this time I'd had other similar relationships with girls.

This girl appeared to be very nice, never complained, never nothing.

I never mentioned anything about love and it was clear that I wasn't after that.

So, after a while she says she is on the pill - and cannot have kids.

I don't question this because I didn't know much about reproduction, I just take it as a good thing.

Then the next month she tells me that she is pregnant.

I reply to her that I didn't think it was possible - but she tells me that it is the second time this has happened with me.

Alarm bells start ringing pretty loud that this girl isn't right in the scone - but it is too late.

She then tells me that she is having the baby and I best tell my parents, if I don't tell them - she will tell them herself.

She doesn't know my parents btw.

I decide to ignore this, and I go out and get another girlfriend - because I felt she was trying corner me into something.

So I start seeing another girl, within a week BPD girl (sons Mum) gets one of her friends to facebook her and tell her that she is pregnant.

I ring and abuse BPD's friend - who I didn't know - and tell her to stay out of my life.

That was in 2010. Then a few months after in 2010 my son is born.

At this stage I am not overly keen to see my son - due to everything that has happened, so I keep a wide berth for 6 months.

Then I decide to start seeing my son - and after communication with BPD - I get to see him, things go well.

I start seeing him once a fortnight through BPD, I end up having probablems with my girl so we break up.

BPD automatically gets rid of the guy she is seeing.

I continue to see my son through BPD for about a month, till I get a g/f, then BPD tells me that she doesn't want me seeing him.

And something about randoms girls in my sons life - when none of them come to her house.

So, I ask for visitation on my own, which gets knocked back, so I ponder my options.

During 2011 BPD Dad gets sick and passes away in 2012, so I decide against court in 2012 and I didn't see my son through any of it.

In this time, my family see my son through BPD, and BPD invites my family to her place for Xmas - they go.

This annoys me and in Jan 2013 I seek mediation. BPD puts mediation off for 6 months due to traveling interstate with my son.

I then attend mediation and ask for 2 hours visitation a fortnight, to which BPD says sounds good - but she wants to oversee this visitation.

I say NO, mediator tells me that I am being unreasonable for not letting BPD supervise my visits.

Go back to legal aid, we cancel mediation and inform BPD party we are going to court.

BPD party says that I can go to court, but due to my abusive part and substance abuse issues, they offer supervised visits.

My lawyer says NO, but I tell him yes, because at that stage I hadn't seen my son in nearly 2 years.

I attend supervised visits and are informed that I am not to encourage my son to call me DAD.

Also, my psychologists recommend to oversee my initial visitations - so I don't get stuck there - BPD knocks this back.

Supervised centre tells me that cannot happen because BPD says so.

6 months worth of visitation is where I am currently at.

Now, I start this thread because I am looking for advice in what to do after my visitation?

Also, Is there any way I can stop BPD from contacting my MOTHER? I have asked her in the past, but she continues to call her.

She even gets my son to call her. I can not seem to stop BPD from contacting my family. Can I do anything about this legally?

My psychologists advise applying for sole visitation as it appears she has no interest at all in me even knowing my son.

Then she is the issue of his food allegies, he appears to be allergic to everything under the sun and always sick.

Any advice would be much appreciated

[ForeverDad]

My psychologists advise applying for sole visitation as it appears she has no interest at all in me even knowing my son.

No matter what you do or don't do, you won't get much traction without seeking the court's intervention.  Right now she has possession and perhaps the legal authority without a court order stating differently.  Not knowing how much your family has become ex's advocates, I would suggest you focus on gaining access for yourself rather than blocking your own family.

As long as you are trying to get her to agree to let you parent, you won't succeed.  Literally, years have passed.  Probably the legal option in domestic court is the only alternative left.  Be very sure you do not appear 'angry', courts are quick to categorize 'angry' men and could send you to "anger Management" if it stayed on that path.  Also be the blocked father who just want to be a father to his child.  Also, it's good to express concern about your child's health and the care he is or is not receiving from his mother.

Is there any way I can stop BPD from contacting my MOTHER? I have asked her in the past, but she continues to call her.

She even gets my son to call her. I can not seem to stop BPD from contacting my family. Can I do anything about this legally?

It's hard to get something done when your own family isn't cooperating or working with you.  Is there a reason they're responding to her?  However, if you are asking for your family to be blocked from seeing your son when you're not in court seeking to see him yourself, that could very well have the appearance of you being the blocking or uncaring one, the problem person.

Then she is the issue of his food allergies, he appears to be allergic to everything under the sun and always sick.

Just throwing another possibility about son's health... .have you read about Munchausen By Proxy?  A related name is Factitious Disorder.  The odds of son being allergic to everything do seem rather low so it may be good to inquire of the boy's pediatrician and also inform your professionals, though I expect she'll try to block or control that too.

Lastly, you mentioned abuse on the telephone, not sure whether that's a typo.  Be very, very careful not to open your mouth - or type - and admit to being abusive.  Saying a few poorly chosen words does not make you an abusive person in itself, but it will give ammunition to someone who is trying to control or block you.  It is called sabotaging yourself.  Be aware, beware.

[scraps66]

To get some perspective, maybe validation, Google the article, "Blackmailed Into Fatherhood."  This explained a lot for me at the time. 

I also agree with FD wholeheartedly, working it out with the girl is going to end up consuming a lot of time and energy that will be unproductive but productive in sustaining onflict.  Court seems to be the, unfortunately, better path to take.  You absolutely need a parenting plan and a custody order.  She can bluff and guff about what she's got, but you can get what you want and should have through court.

Not sure about paternity at this late stage and whether it's necessary, possible, etc?

[ImaFita]

To get some perspective, maybe validation, Google the article, "Blackmailed Into Fatherhood."  This explained a lot for me at the time. 

I also agree with FD wholeheartedly, working it out with the girl is going to end up consuming a lot of time and energy that will be unproductive but productive in sustaining onflict.  Court seems to be the, unfortunately, better path to take.  You absolutely need a parenting plan and a custody order.  She can bluff and guff about what she's got, but you can get what you want and should have through court.

Not sure about paternity at this late stage and whether it's necessary, possible, etc?

No, Paternity was sorted early, don't worry about that.

I had a job paying $3000 a week, so she was pretty quick to get DNA's sorted.

I've had to since quit work, luckily in Australia I don't get billed on potential earnings.

[ImaFita]

My psychologists advise applying for sole visitation as it appears she has no interest at all in me even knowing my son.

No matter what you do or don't do, you won't get much traction without seeking the court's intervention.  Right now she has possession and perhaps the legal authority without a court order stating differently.  Not knowing how much your family has become ex's advocates, I would suggest you focus on gaining access for yourself rather than blocking your own family.

As long as you are trying to get her to agree to let you parent, you won't succeed.  Literally, years have passed.  Probably the legal option in domestic court is the only alternative left.  Be very sure you do not appear 'angry', courts are quick to categorize 'angry' men and could send you to "anger Management" if it stayed on that path.  Also be the blocked father who just want to be a father to his child.  Also, it's good to express concern about your child's health and the care he is or is not receiving from his mother.

Is there any way I can stop BPD from contacting my MOTHER? I have asked her in the past, but she continues to call her.

She even gets my son to call her. I can not seem to stop BPD from contacting my family. Can I do anything about this legally?

It's hard to get something done when your own family isn't cooperating or working with you.  Is there a reason they're responding to her?  However, if you are asking for your family to be blocked from seeing your son when you're not in court seeking to see him yourself, that could very well have the appearance of you being the blocking or uncaring one, the problem person.

Then she is the issue of his food allergies, he appears to be allergic to everything under the sun and always sick.

Just throwing another possibility about son's health... .have you read about Munchausen By Proxy?  A related name is Factitious Disorder.  The odds of son being allergic to everything do seem rather low so it may be good to inquire of the boy's pediatrician and also inform your professionals, though I expect she'll try to block or control that too.

Lastly, you mentioned abuse on the telephone, not sure whether that's a typo.  Be very, very careful not to open your mouth - or type - and admit to being abusive.  Saying a few poorly chosen words does not make you an abusive person in itself, but it will give ammunition to someone who is trying to control or block you.  It is called sabotaging yourself.  Be aware, beware.

I will just reply in whole, because I am not sure how to multi-quote.

Yes, she has already accused me of domestic abuse, but not involving her.

She believes I abused an X, but there is no report, documentation or anything like that.

I called my X and let her know, she wasn't surprised.

But basically BPD Mum can just bring it up during every process she goes through and so far it was been believed without question (the fact that I am covered in tattoos probably only feeds into this, but I can't help that).

I haven't spoke to BPD Mum in person or verbally for 3 years, because I knew she'd do this.

There is emails, possibly even threatening ones in 2009/10, but I didn't save them, so I am unsure about that.

Should I claim those emails if they arise? Or should I say she hacked my computer and wrote them herself?

I didn't send them all from the one account, they were sent from various, should I own these emails or say she made them up?

I was frustrated, I have no idea what I wrote - which could be good or bad - I wasn't in a happy place at the time, but cannot imagine they are too bad. I don't claim to be an angel during these times, but I've never done anything wrong to this girl, yet I am painted out as satan.

Also, the reason my parents have anything to do with her, is because I have been alienated for 4 years and if they want to see my son, going through her is the only option. BPD knows this, she knows that as soon as I get any visitation independently, that my parents will most likely not speak to her anymore. My family know I don't even speak to her or haven't wanted anything to do with her, yet they hear that she tells people that I am a terrible person who wants nothing to do with his son, I drink too much and that I am abusive ( I haven't drank in 3 years, used to socially and have no record of abuse).

I understand your comment about not getting angry in the courts, do I have to speak in court? Or does my lawyer do that?

[ForeverDad]

My lawyer always told me his first priority when beginning legal representation was to SIT on his clients so they couldn't talk and sabotage themselves more than they already were.  I think your lawyer would advise you to volunteer nothing about any possible poorly worded communications from years ago.  Likely you would be accurate to simply state that you don't remember any specifics about past communications.  Valid answers are usually "Yes", "No" and "I don't remember".

Be aware that if you answer, "Yes but... ." then the only part that may matter is the first word, there is high risk that the system doesn't care much about - or could choose to ignore - your extenuating circumstances.

When this does get addressed in family court, follow your local lawyer's advice on choosing the best responses.  Sadly, telling "the whole story", the bad with the good, doesn't guarantee the court will ignore the bad and care only about the good you have tried to do.  Court isn't about fairness or even justice, it's merely a judicial system constructed over the centuries, some of the processes and policies are very arcane to the everyday person.

Do you have a lawyer yet?  Here in peer support we can't give legal advice nor specific strategies.  Being scattered around the world in various countries, states, and counties, local application needs to come from local professionals.  But we do have a lot of experiences, suggestions, communication skills, coping skills, insights, strategies to share with you.  Many of them can be useful to you.