My mother shares way too much with me

[Trollvaaken]

This is one question among many, but I was wondering how to reestablish  boundaries with my mother. I am the youngest of three daughters.

My mum has turned me into her therapist. It's always been like this, but I guess since I am an adult now and very understanding and open, she has decided to not only burden me with her troubles (many of which I have been hearing about since early childhood), but now, she adds details about her sex life too. She then reinforces it by then saying, "I'm so glad I can talk to you about these things." I am fine with my mother having a sex life, and yes, I am an adult, but is it fair to want a less involved parental relationship? I am just now starting to get over the guilt of complaining about this when for a long time, I thought I owed it to her since she had a hard and unfair life and no one seemed to listen.

The thing is, I love her very much, she has helped me out a lot in life and we have really interesting intellectual conversations and I feel that by asserting my boundaries too much, she'll start ignoring me. We've had big fights before, but now I am living abroad and am worried that on top of it all, because it would be online, it would be chalk full of misunderstandings. I realise that a relationship goes both ways and that I am also probably to blame continuing to dance this tango with her. I feel like I am less independent than I would like to be of her.

[Shelle]

Hi, Trollvaaken, 

I can relate to you because my mom talked to me about similar things from the time I was 14.

I must ask, how long has this been going on?  Even if you are over 18, the dynamic of the mother-child relationship will be the same in many ways.

If your mother gives you signals that your positive relationship is contingent on her being able to share her most personal life details, including sexual, that is a form of emotional incest.  Needless to say, that is NOT healthy for either of you.

If I were you, I would (next time) say something like "I want to help you, but I'm not the appropriate person to tell these things."  Then suggest that she find a therapist to talk to.  If she refuses to do this, you may want to limit contact.

I know this is easier said than done.  I still have trouble setting healthy boundaries with my mom, but it is doable.

-Shelle 

[Kwamina]

Hi again Trollvaaken,

I see you've made it to coping and healing  I responded to your initial post and gave you a link to some info about boundaries. Emotional incest is difficult to deal with, we actually have an article about this subject here that might also help you as you try to deal with your mother's inappropriate behavior and try to set new boundaries with her:

Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?

[Trollvaaken]

I can relate to you because my mom talked to me about similar things from the time I was 14.

I must ask, how long has this been going on?  Even if you are over 18, the dynamic of the mother-child relationship will be the same in many ways.

-Shelle 

Hi Shelle,

Well, it's been going on since I was a child really as I remember a conversation I had with another 6 year old, telling her not to have kids and to never trust men. Anyway, it took me a really long time to get a boyfriend (I was under the impression she wouldn't love me as her little girl if I did that and also, because I was sexist towards men for a long time). When I finally did get a boyfriend, that is when she figured she could talk to me about sex. I am 26 now, so this has been going on for a few years.

She also "matched" my best-friend who is 8 years older than me with one of her work colleagues with whom she is friends. Now, I know my friend chose to be in a relationship with this guy after all, but I felt like I had lost my best friend in a way because sometimes my mum would say things like ":)id you know that your friend is doing this... .haha, I knew even before you!" Because obviously, she had been talking to my friend's boyfriend (now husband). This also damaged my friendship, but we are still friends, and yes, she talks about her sexuality to my friend as well. My mum also wants to go on vacations with the two of us. Ugh.

Anyway, I told my friend (who also has a BPD parent, so I think that's why she kind of fell under my mother's spell) that my she should avoid sharing so much with my mother, as now my mother feels like she has jurisdiction over her.

I suggested she see a therapist in the past, and she agreed, but never followed through. She wrote to me again about another crisis and I mentioned the same thing, so we'll see. I helps that I have recently moved abroad for my studies though, so I can wait a bit before responding to her cries for help and can be a bit vaguer in my responses so as to not get too involved.

Another thing that bothers me is that, I feel like she can suck information out of me that I wouldn't normally give to her, but feel compelled to in some way and then regretted it.

There are times when I feel like our relationship is fine and I am in control and then obviously, there are times where I am totally overwhelmed.