How long were you with him? It is so difficult to make any kind of determination in a short period of time. I could have been a whole host of different things. A lot of times, people think that the break up was abrupt when the writing was on the wall and it just wasn't seen or noticed. Sure, closure is nice but what is closure for one person may not be for another.
We were only together 2.5 years. The breakup was abrupt by anyone's standards, I think, although it was precipitated by a fight. Two days before, he was going on and on (and on) about how much he loved me, how much he wanted to show me and try to be more intimate. We had just spent three weekends together, traveling, which was new for us. I guess there was "closure" for him--he dumped me via FB msg, saying: you were right, I don't have it in me to have a deep/profound relationship, I'm too fried to see you/talk to you.
He didn't say a single nice thing to me, offer to get together to talk it over, etc. His tone toward me completely changed. I tried to get him to talk a couple of times afterwards (text) and he was condescending and cold. It stunned me that he suddenly hated me. I thought he was kind and gentle... .I even tried to walk him through how "normal" breakups happen
but he was having none of it. We didn't even get together or make plans to exchange personal items. I haven't seen him since, except driving (we live in the same neighborhood).
Then he started harassing me, recorded "prank calls" in the middle of the night (to my cell phone, for which very people have the #--and he has horrible insomnia), phony emails/calls into my office, etc. I wasn't positive it was him, but then found out later it started the same time he heard through a mutual friend I was dating someone else. He is furious with that friend for setting me up, and has stated his intention to "have nothing to do with him" despite the fact they have been friends for 40 years. The friend was as shocked as I am, but is not hurt--just angry.
I sometimes think we want an explanation when there may not be one. I have seen two people in a relationship together and seem very disordered. They part ways and both go on to have decent/good relationships with other people. Sometimes, two people just aren't a good fit and one or both parties don't realize it.
It
seemed like a good fit. Very affectionate and demonstrative, we laughed so much and were in constant contact, very little conflict. Our friends were all shocked by the breakup. However, I think you're right that it wasn't actually a good relationship. I had really opened up to him and told him the worst thing he could do to me is not talk to me (silent treatment--he'd done that to me a couple of times before, I always had to cajole him to have a conversation if he was ignoring me). I guess if someone knows your vulnerabilities explicitly, and chooses to use them against you, that's a pretty good indicator it's not a healthy r/s.
He has so many wonderful qualities--I adored him. But he was definitely suffering from mental health issues, there is no question about that part, he openly admitted it. It's just that I thought he was having trouble adjusting to some difficult life situations and had depression/anxiety. It took a long time to realize that he is
always having some sort of crisis, it's like a lifestyle for him. I honestly believed he was just going through a (legitimate) rough patch when we met. It slowly dawned on me that he didn't seem to feel any better as his life situation improved. Almost like he was only happy when he was unhappy.
Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel like I'm the same way. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis, but it's definitely something different from anything I've experienced before... .a heavy, despairing type of feeling seems to have taken hold.
