My final letter for closure. Please read.

[In Pain]

I broke up with my BPD GF 4 months ago. She broke it off, and yes, it's been a difficult time for me. But I am doing so much better these days, it's refreshing to feel good again.

As I've mentioned before, I've seen it all with this girl.

This board has been the information I needed to get a grip on what was happening and to get clarity and heal.

Because of my learning, I have given up my anger and 95% ( LOL ) of my jealously.

I broke NC after 90 days. My ex and I recently texted and talked. All good. In text and talking she mentioned moving on, healing and getting closure. I thought this was odd in comparison to other people's experiences.

She also mentioned her new bf, thank you.

I was thinking of sending the following text. My motives... .Maybe getting the last word in, maybe leaving the door open, maybe ?

Can a BPD person digest this properly ?

Is this message hurtful  aggressive or accusatory in any way?

Will she be offended ?

The names have been changed.

My letter:

In the process of closure, I would like to offer you these positive thoughts.

Mary, you are a wonderful women. In beauty, stature and grace.

You are multi faceted in so many ways, and each time you revealed yourself to me, I reveled in your talent.

But... .( there's always a but )... .Your extreme range of emotions are your Achilles heel... .As are mine.

Emotions as deep as they are shallow.

You and I fought in such a passionate way... .a way I've never known. A passion so strong. A passion so deep in my heart. A way I could only hope for, but a way I hope never to see again.

"When the student is ready, a teacher will appear."

You Mary, were my teacher.

Hopefully, I can be yours.

Our past behavior tells us why we are where we are today. Not accepting this reality is denying the truth about ourself.

I have seen a side of me that shocked me, disappointed me and opened my eyes. My challenge now is to heal myself, examine my character and transform myself into the kind of person I want to be. The kind of person I know I have in me.

A study of my past relationships, a good look at myself and a vision of where I need to go is the process. It won't be easy, but nothing of value is.

I offer you the same advice I am giving myself.

Take this time to explore yourself and all you already know. We all look at ourselves and know the issues. The real issues. The ones that trouble us the most are the ones we avoid the hardest. And never go away.

The truth is not pretty sometimes. But knowing the truth can lead us down a better path. A path of real happiness.

If you feel that I can help you on your journey, I am always here for you.

ALWAYS !

As a friend, as a confidant, as someone who only wishes you the best that life has to offer.

Without judgement, without anger, without limits.

Always with my love.

Doing this work will be hard... .I know, I've already started.

Take care Mary,

I wish you the inner peace, happiness and love you so crave, you so desire, and continue to seek out. I wish for you a love based on caring and intimacy, not need.

John

[Aussie JJ]

Dude,

Emotions = pain. 

In summary, you are showing emotion towards her, this will cause pain.  She has left for someone else and when she is ready to do that work then she will find a teacher.  She isnt ready, she is in a happy honeymoon phase and you will be split black for the implication that she needs a teacher and you can be that teacher. 

That is to imply imperfection.  That is to invalidate their feeling of being better than you now that they dont need you and cause hatred or splitting and also feelings of shame if they see that you recognise this. 

I would say nothing, when she is ready for a teacher she may reach out to you she may not.  Accept that she isnt ready. 

If you want an emotional message write it out and keep it for yourself or burn it and be done with it.  This is looking for a reaction, I did the same thing and it caused a ramp in the emotins from her.  She is only nice at the moment because she needed that validation from you to know that she isnt a bad person for moving on from you. 

NEED NEED NEED NEED. 

Leave it be, be at peace with yourself and save yourself from facilitating her needs.  If only I could have taken myown advice I might not have had a interventiona order served on me the other day... .

THINK ABOUT IT. 


AJJ. 

[kc sunshine]

Hi In Pain,

So much of this letter is so lovely-- I'd take away the parts that are telling her what to do/how to be though. The parts where you are her teacher. I think those are off-putting.Far better to show by example (e.g. the parts where you say she is your teacher). The problem with BPD though is it may confirm their sense that they know best and that they were the victim, even though you are just being graceful. So in that way BPD backs you into a no win situation, where it's just better to leave things along altogether. That's my two cents!

[Mutt]

All good. In text and talking she mentioned moving on, healing and getting closure. I thought this was odd in comparison to other people's experiences.

She also mentioned her new bf, thank you.

From my personal experience, a boderline's closure is coping through a transitional object and grieving the failed r/s in the new one. She also didn't give closure.

It's a touching and heartfelt letter. I'm sorry to say this In Pain, you may not get a response that you expect, you may hear nothing, as this letter is going to trigger emotions in her.

She may devaluate, blame and project.

She copes differently than you. I'll echo Aussie JJ and I suggest holding on to your letter as well. Put it somewhere out of sight. It's good to write your emotions pen to paper.

Give yourself closure. I hope that helps.

[Deeno02]

Im a pretty blunt guy so here it is... .Dont bother. She wont give 10 ___s. Like Mutt said, she will just Devalue you further. I to wrote a letter and I held on to it instead of sending it. Why? to remind me that I cant go there again... .ever. Do the same and walk away.

[Fluff]

It's very emotional and full of pain and I think most of us here can relate and see our selves in you writing that letter. I wrote a couple of them and wish I had never pressed 'send'.

[Zpinal]

I think you should just keep that to yourself and not become an orbiter or «weak» in her eyes. You mentioned how refreshing it is to feel good again. I think you should focus of those feeling and just delete this letter, it's a key to the lock of negativity and you don't need that.

As for wanting closure, the only closure I needed (my eureka moment) is some proof that my exBPDgf was just apesh!t crazy and some events recently proved it to me. I wish her well and pity her and her next supplies. I came out of this experience a better man and moving on.

[StayOrLeave15]

In Pain - that is really a touching and heartfelt letter.  I feel that if it were sent to a woman that didn't have BPD (e.g., after a series of fights) who can regulate her emotions it could make some real progress.  But your ex is a pwBPD.

I am two things by nature: a fixer and a perfectionist.  Perhaps the reason I stayed with my BPDexgf for so long.  I went through a phase where I thought if I stayed calm, and said *just the right thing* at all times and explained situations *as clearly and as rationally as possible* I would somehow fix or change her.  

But please keep in mind, logic and rationality go out the window when you are dealing with a pwBPD.  To them, feelings are facts.  You trying to fix her anger is like telling a diabetic to fix their blood sugar without insulin.  It is a disorder and a disease.  I know it is SO hard to separate logic from emotion and I go through this battle daily.  But if you take a step back, and imagine you are looking at a friend's relationship rather than your own, and you know what you know about BPD, do you really think these words will somehow fix things?

In U.S. history, Abraham Lincoln is well-known for writing scathing letters to his enemies when angry and then he or his wife putting them away somewhere and never sending them.  Maybe you should take a page out of his book with this letter - write it, read it, then put it aside.  Because just like the 16th President knew, I think you know some letters are better left unsent.

[Mr Hollande]

I'll echo what everyone here has said and add the following. Words are weapons and I think you may be running the risk of handing her some very useful ones in any potential fight against you in the future. Beware!

[Swiggle]

It is a great letter and full of emotion, dont' send it... don't give her all that power. Keep it, write more get it out but don't send them. Once day when you are in a really good place you'll read them and thing Whiskey Tango Foxtrot was I thinking. It can be so painful but people who are disorderd don't care they way we do.

[vortex of confusion]

DO NOT SEND IT! :-)

I don't think that the letter would be well received even if she wasn't BPD. The reason is that it comes across as you being enlightened while she is still wallowing in the dark. Even if that is the case, most people don't like to hear stuff like that. It is a can of worms that you don't want to open.

I don't know if I have a PD but stuff like that irritates me, especially if it is unsolicited. I hate it when people try to teach me stuff because they think they have the key to the universe and I am just some lowly idiot. Perhaps that is my issue because I have received rather lengthy letters like that from my oldest sister who is bat crap crazy (called the cops on ME because I wouldn't let her in MY house). If she is so great and has found enlightenment, I am happy for her but I don't need her letters telling me how great she is and how terrible I am because I did not live up to her expectations.

[In Pain]

Revision:

Or is it just the same crap.

While I appreciate everyone's advice, I can't help but think that sometimes this section of the boards is more negative than the others. Not that we don't have good reason to be negative... .It's just so disheartening sometimes.

NC... .Run away... .it's usually the same answer... .over and over.

But it still might be the right answer.

Revision:

In the process of closure, I would like to offer you these positive thoughts.

Mary, you are a wonderful women. In beauty, stature and grace. You are multi faceted in so many ways, and each time you revealed yourself to me, I revelled in your talent.

You and I fought in such a passionate way... .a way I've never known. A way I could only hope for, but a way I hope never to see again.

"When the student is ready, a teacher will appear."

You Mary, were my teacher.

Our past behavior tells us why we are where we are today. Not accepting this reality is denying the truth about ourself.

I have seen a side of me that shocked me, disappointed me and opened my eyes. My challenge now is to heal myself, examine my character and transform myself into the kind of person I want to be. The kind of person I know I have in me.

A study of my past relationships, a good look at myself and a vision of where I need to go is the process. It won't be easy, but nothing of value is.

I offer you the same advice I am giving myself.

Take this time to explore yourself and all you already know. We all look at ourselves and know the issues. The real issues. The ones that trouble us the most are the ones we avoid the hardest. And never go away.

The truth is not pretty sometimes. But knowing the truth can lead us down a better path. A path of real happiness.

If you think that I can help you on your journey, I am always here for you.

ALWAYS !

As a friend, as a confidant, as someone who only wishes you the best that life has to offer.

Without judgement, without anger, without limits.

Doing this work will be hard... .I know, I've already started.

Take care Mary,

I wish you the inner peace, happiness and love you so crave, you so desire, and continue to seek out. I wish for you a love based on caring and intimacy, not need.

John

[Mr Hollande]

I think the general consensus here is that you shouldn't send her anything. That anything, regardless how well meaning and eloquent, will at best be ignored or laughed at and at worst set things in motion that you may not be able to handle. That said there isn't a soul on this board who would tell you what to do. Only advice and the advice here is don't send it.

An alternative that I have seen here is to post farewell letters on this board. I never did it myself but it seems a much wiser and more productive course of action than re-engaging with your crazy ex again.

[In Pain]

I know... .Don't say it... .It's like I'm determined to cause myself more pain ! LOL

Maybe I'm norepinephrine addict !

Sometimes pain is a too familiar emotion.

[vortex of confusion]

I know... .Don't say it... .It's like I'm determined to cause myself more pain ! LOL

Maybe I'm norepinephrine addict !

Sometimes pain is a too familiar emotion.

You are among kindred spirits though. I think we all know what it is like to want to say something and be heard. I think most of us would love nothing more than to say something, anything and feel like we are getting closure, making headway, or something, anything. It is maddening to walk around with all this stuff inside of me knowing that saying something will not make one ounce of difference. If anything, it will likely make things worse because I will either be ignored or have my words twisted to where it becomes all about him and I walk away feeling like the monster. It is a lose-lose scenario and it is better to keep stuff to myself or find safe places, like here, to share my thoughts.

Big hugs to you! 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey In Pain, Echo those above.  I doubt your heartfelt sentiments will be well received and more than likely thrown back in your face.  Sending the letter is akin to shooting yourself in the foot -- you could do it, but why would you want to?  Of course it's your call so think hard about what you are hoping to get out of it.  Chances are, you won't get the result you seek, in my view.

Lucky Jim

[fred6]

I'll echo AussieJJ and Mutt here. I've been reading 2010's posts and I'll try and see if I've learned anything. A pwBPD wants your help, input, and decision making in the idealization phase. However, as time goes on all of that "help" makes them start to feel engulfed and badly about their lack of control over "their" life. That is when they start to devalue you. It's because they feel like you are controlling them like a parent/child relationship. They are in a one down position and that takes it toll on them emotionally. Once they feel controlled they will push you away but still try and cling to you, push/pull behavior. Eventually, when they can't contain their anger over your perceived controlling behavior they will split you black. You suggesting to be her teacher will be perceived as trying to control her.

The new supply has a much better chance of influencing her than you do at this point. However, when it comes to getting these people help. I don't think anyone but themselves will convince them to seek assistance.

I sent a letter for closure. I asked for advice about it here and got lots of replies. But looking back, no one's advice was going to stop me from handing her that letter.   I didn't get a response and don't even know if she read it, may have thrown it away. I don't feel like it hurt me anymore than I was already hurting since I gave it to her the day I left. You are much farther out time wise than I was and I agree with everyone here, NC should be adhered to.

If you are going to send the letter regardless of the advice here. Which is more than OK, only you can make decisions for yourself. I would recommend that you remove all of the teacher/student talk and emotional stuff. It puts you in the one up position and her in the one down position, which will feel controlling/engulfing to her and trigger her. I would stick to telling her that your letter is for closure, that you appreciate the memories and time that she has given you, and that you wished that it could have worked out but sometimes in life, things just don't work out between two people. Then tell her, take care and good luck.  

[In Pain]

Thanks for all the advice.

Please read revision.

Thx

[fred6]

I know... .Don't say it... .It's like I'm determined to cause myself more pain ! LOL

Maybe I'm norepinephrine addict !

Sometimes pain is a too familiar emotion.

Like I said, in your position and time window I would recommend NC. If you are going to send one anyhow, be less involved and emotional. I would try something like this:

Mary,

I'm just sending you this letter for closure on my end. I hope that you can appreciate that. Looking back, I very much value the memories you have given me and the time we shared together. We tried our best and things just didn't work out. Sometimes in life things just don't work out between two people, and that's OK. But now I have to look forward instead of backwards. Anyhow, I hope you are doing well and that you are happy. Stay strong, Mary. Take care and good luck.



Your first letter sounds like you are leaving the door open, but you say that you want closure. The wisdom of 2010's posts has made me realize that "real" closure means closing the door permanently. I know it's hard man, I still want my ex back too. But that's a fantasy. Even if she wanted to come back and work 100% to fix things. I know that I'll never be able to trust her again, and then it will be my fault for continuing with a fantasy relationship with no trust. Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure everyone on this forum will be here to support your decision and the eventual outcome. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Springle]

Just to add to the whole ex non or pwBPD and how it doesn't make that much difference. I will put my hand up and say I sent a long message to my non ex about a year after our break up.

Mine was a bit different in that my message actually apologised a lot for my half of the relationship's failing. I really bore my soul and wanted us to have closure and perhaps the chance to start fresh as friends or even just know that we still acknowledged each other in the world and could be civil.

He never responded. Completely and utterly ignored it and it sent me about 101 steps back. I was devastated and so hurt he could not even respond.

There is a slight chance he may not of got it. It may have gone to spam, I can't remember if he even uses the email I have for him anymore (he's generally online a LOT less altogether now, smothered by his gf?), there's even a decent chance his new dBPDgf deleted it before he'd even seen!

But generally, I think I am kidding myself. I think, at this time at least, he genuinely doesn't care and is completely focused on moving forward and his new life. It's sad, very sad and I hope one day he is able to reflect and realise that despite it all I am still there for him and, truly, I think I am one of the few people who has come into his life that actually means that but it showed me that there is really nothing more I can do.

On the up side it did indeed bring me a form of closure but it was a very painful bump to Earth. I need to take a leaf out of his book and too focus on my life and moving forward with me. It does not have to be an ultimate goodbye necessarily but for now it is adieu.

[Fluff]

To be honest, my gut feeling is it's being laughed at. There is no way they will enter your emotional world, instead it's being used to make them feel better, from a perspective of distance not attachment. What you see and what they see when they look at the letter is not the same.

[fred6]

To be honest, my gut feeling is it's being laughed at. There is no way they will enter your emotional world, instead it's being used to make them feel better, from a perspective of distance not attachment. What you see and what they see when they look at the letter is not the same.

My ex scoffed at me when I suggested that there was something "wrong with her". Hell, for all I know, the letter I gave her could have been read by her and new supply and been used as comedy before and after sex between them. Anyhow, like they say. This disorder exists to deny itself. Such a waste of a human life... .

[Aussie JJ]

Look,

I may come across negative however I have been burnt.  For me I'll open up a bit here.  Me reaching out and trying I did for all the correct reasons, I did them so that i knew I had tried.  If you do this do it for yourself not for her.  Be ready for the backlash, be ready to be called crazy.  When it happens accept it, be happy that you did this for yourself and accept that she isn't ready to make those changes. 

I wouldn't be where I am personally if I didn't try, my situation is different as there is a child involved.  I used logic not emotion, my ex is very intelligent, very smart.  If she applies herself she will get better, all of the positive attributes for a recovery in full are there with her.  I even went and found the bloody therapists and got quotes for in patient centres and costed it with re-mortgaging house.  I decided it was worth it for her relationship with our son and also for her relationships in general going forward even if she didn't want to be with me.  How self sacrificing right?

Logic in my case, well, I was told it was the most comprehensive plan he had ever seen by my psychologist.  He was amazed by it.  My ex, she denied everything and just went troppo on me.  I used every validation tool I know and got her defences down, when this happened she instant raged at me again straight away and I was turned black forever I fear. 

If you send the letter do it for yourself for the right reasons for yourself and no matter what happens be the person you want to be.  If that is sending the letter do it.  Please no matter what happens learn from it.  Take a day a week to think through it, don't be impulsive here. 

Don't send the letter to help her, only she can do that mate. 


AJJ. 

[Pingo]

Thanks for all the advice.

Please read revision.

Thx

InPain, I wrote a similar letter.  If I could go back in time I wouldn't send it.  I agree with the others but sometimes we need to learn these things for ourselves (the damn hard way! ).  If you send it and everyone here is correct, you will have your confirmation that there is no hope/no chance.  Maybe this is what you need.  I guess that is what I needed because the response I got to my letter just drove in the last nail into the coffin of our r/s.  We'll all be here to support you no matter what you decide.

[peiper]

Do not send it ! All you will be doing is giving more of your power away. So don't .

[Deeno02]

They will get a good laugh out of it. Sorry... .

[Mutt]

There's no right or wrong with sending it. Set your expectations low. She's on a different page.

Believing that you were on the same page in the r/s. Check Myth# 2

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

[fred6]

There's no right or wrong with sending it. Set your expectations low. She's on a different page.

Believing that you were on the same page in the r/s. Check Myth# 2

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

I 100% agree with this Mutt.

I handed my letter to my ex and she said "whatever" and drove off. That's the last time I saw or heard from her except for a couple texts in the past 5-6 weeks. I knew it wouldn't work and I didn't have any expectations for her to contact me. I did it for closure or some sense that I did everything that I could do, to have a voice.

Send the letter for yourself if you must. But do not expect anything to happen.

[blissful_camper]

We all understand why you feel it's important to share your letter with your ex.  Many here have sent letters, myself included.  It felt like the right thing to do, but it wasn't.  It triggered ex.  If I had the wisdom then that I have now, I would have seen that it is more compassionate to leave  'em alone.  We're taking care of ourselves too when we choose not to engage.  If you decide to send along a note, a member wrote up a revision that is quite good. 

[inthenow]

yup, i concur with the above.

Great to work through your own emotions, but don't send it - move on. It's like giving up smoking but keeping the rizlas. You dont need them!

There are lovely people out there who will have normal relationships with you and you will then feel the relief and beauty of realization when they don't devalue you, try to trip you up, make you feel bad, get you angry, make you jealous etc etc etc etc