Fighting the 'what ifs'...

[GoodThingsToCome]

I'm now 8 weeks out of the break-up... .a couple of weeks NC and feeling better as the weeks go by. I've done an incredible amount of reflection on the relationship and on her behaviour, but also on my contribution towards things.

I've had a lot of moments where I've wondered things like "what if I had done X or Y", "what if I had supported her financially a bit better at a certain time", or "why did I not organize for us to do more stuff together, or go away on weekends etc." -  as if these things may have made a difference. I know that even in a normal relationship one looks back and thinks of things they could do better, but when I look back at my relationship, I firmly believe that I never did a lot of these things because a) I was so uncertain of where the relationship was going half of the time (it rarely felt stable or safe), and b) I was so damn exhausted most of the time... .just the idea of coming home and having a pleasant night/weekend without drama was gold for me; I might be wrong, but I honestly feel like I didn't have the emotional energy to do a lot of these other things I would have normally wanted to do. I really believe I had so much more to give this woman (on top of what I already had), had she just allowed me the energy and love to express it.

Just out of curiosity, do many of you go through the same thing over and over in terms of thinking about the "what ifs", and do you also look back and realise how exhausted/drained you were a lot of the time?

Cheers.

[anxiety5]

Yes. Of course. I'm sure you are aware of the stages of grief. But are you? It may be good to revisit them, and this time a little deeper and read them word for word. We rapidly cycle through them, back and forth sometimes all in the same day or even hour. It's easy to get hung up in one as well. Often times anger is the stage that is hard to move beyond. It sounds to me like you are in the bargaining stage. It's worth looking up.

Bargaining:

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

If only we had addressed issues sooner…

If only I had sought help or read more... .

If only I had done more... .

This is a line of defense to protect us from the painful reality of loss. Of the realization that something that was is no more.

This is the stage where normally you enter depression. It has a such a stigmatized association with that word but it's a necessary part of letting go. Start eating as well as you can. Start working out if you aren't Rekindle friendships even if it's only a short phone call once a week. We can prepare for depression by setting ourself up for the mind and body to at least feel nourished. Plus by looking and feeling more healthy we are able to build self confidence which will drastically reduce the time we stay stuck in this phase.

You are experiencing the stages of grief. But I'd rather refer to it as: You are healing.

[letmeout]

Those 'what ifs' are very common and a normal reaction to breaking up with anyone. Breaking up with someone with a mental illness compounds it even more.

The important thing to remember is we didn't make them mentally ill, and we can't fix them.

[maternal]

The what ifs are deadly.

Nothing that any of us could have done would have been enough.  As human beings, we are imperfect and make mistakes, they can't handle that about us.  They need us to be the perfect beings they've created in their heads.  We will never be that.  Our relationships were like jobs.  It is a LOT of work to try and uphold the emotional stability for both partners.  It is both physically and, obviously, emotionally draining like nothing else. 

The head sees what the heart can't.  Give it time, your heard will catch up to what your head already knows.

[anxiety5]

I think a lot of it is our issues with self worth that allowed us to remain in these relationships.

Where someone with self worth issues may say: "What If I just tried harder, maybe it would have worked"

Someone with good self worth would say:"What if I had ended up with that person? Wow. I dodged a bullet"

Subtle, yet one emphasizes the abuser's actions. The other, reinforces what got us here: We are inadequate.

[Infern0]

Certainly I think it's something we all go through.

In the end though I think most all of us did all we could within reason.

I gave so much of myself to her,  I bought into the relationship,  I wanted us to be happy together,  I was willing to communicate,  compromise,  be completely honest,  to trust her etc etc.

At the end of the day she could not do any of these things.  There was as you say very little security for me in the relationship,  she engineered it that way,  deep down I was to know that she was not fully committed to "us" and I always felt that way,  insecure. They want us like that,  on a knife edge,  makes us easy to control,  you'll do things that you don't want to just to make her happy.  That's not healthy.

Towards the end she was asking to move in with me but my rational brain kicked in and I couldn't bring myself to go through with that.  Truth is at this point I (rightfully) suspected that she was going to dump me and the last thing I would have needed was to be living with her and her bringing her orbiters over.

There's little point in beating yourself up over it,  if you lasted more than the first few days then you gave more than 90% of guys would be willing to.

[tim_tom]

these are the "what ifs" you should be ruminating on

What if I stayed with her for another 5 years of body and soul harming stress and emotional turmoil

What if we had kids together who would be hurt by the inevitable crash and burn

what If we got married and the divorce cost me my home and financial ruin

I've had the distinct misfortune of being involved with 2 of these... .

The first one trapped me with a pregnancy, which lead to 7 years of hell on earth, 2 emotionally scarred children and 100's of thousands of dollars in money lost on crazy binge shopping, legal fees, alimoney ... even lost 1/2 my retirement

The thing is my therapist from 4 years ago who convinced me to leave my wife, and my current therapist helping me work through this latest horror show both said the same thing... .they don't change, the crash is inevitable and there is nothing you can do to make an unhappy person happy, they keep moving the goal posts ... .

Be glad you got out relatively unscathed

[KeepOnGoing]

these are the "what ifs" you should be ruminating on

What if I stayed with her for another 5 years of body and soul harming stress and emotional turmoil

What if we had kids together who would be hurt by the inevitable crash and burn

what If we got married and the divorce cost me my home and financial ruin

I've had the distinct misfortune of being involved with 2 of these... .

The first one trapped me with a pregnancy, which lead to 7 years of hell on earth, 2 emotionally scarred children and 100's of thousands of dollars in money lost on crazy binge shopping, legal fees, alimoney ... even lost 1/2 my retirement

The thing is my therapist from 4 years ago who convinced me to leave my wife, and my current therapist helping me work through this latest horror show both said the same thing... .they don't change, the crash is inevitable and there is nothing you can do to make an unhappy person happy, they keep moving the goal posts ... .

Be glad you got out relatively unscathed

Wow Tim_Tom, thanks for this. Nothing like a good dose of reality to set the record straight.

[Loosestrife]

Tim gives some very good advice and from experience. I am currently going through the 'what ifs' as my ex says I didn't give them chance to seek help. My T says these people don't really change. They may get prof help and it may make things a little easier but the problems never really go away and it doesn't take much for them to return with a vengeance. There's another post on her called 'I feel free' which is also inspiring . Sending you a virtually hug and hope you can spend some time with family and friends to distract from your 'what if' thoughts. I know I'm going to try and fill my time as much as possible. Thanks for posting it has also helped me too

[hope2727]

What if you met and fell for someone well. Someone who appreciated your kindness and efforts. Someone who could reciprocate in a healthy and mature manner.

What if they were there for you in your hour of need. They could care for you at the same level you cared for them.

What if you could just be happy with your person.

Just saying.

[anxiety5]

What if you met and fell for someone well. Someone who appreciated your kindness and efforts. Someone who could reciprocate in a healthy and mature manner.

What if they were there for you in your hour of need. They could care for you at the same level you cared for them.

What if you could just be happy with your person.

Just saying.

Last two posts say it all. Again, I feel it goes back to core self worth self esteem deficits. What if I could have done more vs what if she had reciprocated what if I had been given the respect I deserve?

Last two posts hit it right on the head. And the main theme I see the more messages I read is this same resonating self worth deficiency. There is a reason THEY are all the same. It's because WE are all the same. A person who feels inadequate may not even realize their own self defeating thought patterns because the seed was planted so early, it's always been a part of who we are. Viewing your self worth from others vs. from within is our pathology. Meeting someone who fills all those self doubts by putting us on a pedestal is the first time we have ever felt whole. Because of that we place an emphasis on this person like no other. What makes their abuse crippling is the person who awakened us, made us whole, who we felt a love for like no other, becomes the one telling us we are inadequate, cheating, undermining, ignoring, abusing. But we are hooked. And we stay hooked. Even if we escape, our blueprint is still read by the next person we meet. We exude the same core deficits and thus usually end up with someone not all too unlike the BPD we just broke free from.

The ONLY way to stop this process. The ONLY way to free yourself from the addiction to your BPD partner or ex partner is to address your own issues of self worth and to build a healthy self esteem. Without this work, we are doomed to remain stuck in our bad relationship or entrenched in our self defeating patterns over and over again.

I'm just now beginning this work. I will succeed. Let me tell you, the awareness alone, is liberating. It makes ALL of the what if's, and unknowns questions that I no longer seek answers for from others. I've realized the answer to all of it lies within me. 

[tim_tom]

well said... .I sm a magnat for these types for the very reasons you describe .   

[BlackandBlue]

Anxiety5, you are definitely my favorite poster on these forums. Your posts are always insightful to me... .Thank you. I am having a bit of a bad day today and these forums always help pick me back up.

[anxiety5]

Anxiety5, you are definitely my favorite poster on these forums. Your posts are always insightful to me... .Thank you. I am having a bit of a bad day today and these forums always help pick me back up.

Thank you for the kind words. I have the same journey ahead as you my friend, and likewise your experiences that you are open enough to share here reinforce it to me more and more. There is simply no escaping myself. I can ruminate all day about them, but if I instead took that same energy and focused it on building my own self worth, identifying core values, what is important to me? What matters the most to me? I can use that to identify boundaries. I can realize the self defeating thoughts I have are able to be overcome because of the word SELF. I have the power to change that. So do you. I really think this is the answer to breaking the addiction and to finally entering the World, whole. Not because someone is putting us on a pedestal, but because we feel that way inside and it radiates from within. That type of emotional well being will exude from us like a beacon to other people who are healthy as well. It will lead us in the direction to finding the right person and in that process it will protect us like a shield from the people who will abuse us all over again. I sincerely wish you all the best and I know that this is a process. Do not beat yourself up too bad if you fail or have a step back. Just keep the message active and alive inside you at all times, that you are in control of what happens next and ultimately the work needs to be done by you. It may not happen overnight but when you begin to think this way, you start to feel this way too and a calm will overcome you as you finally have the answer to moving forward. And it certainly did not come from asking a dang thing from your abusive partner or ex partner.

Stay strong.

[GoodThingsToCome]

Wow, some really great posts here... .I appreciate it a lot. Had a bit of a downer this evening... .went to see a film that reminded me a lot of my ex, but came home to read these posts which just help set things straight in my mind.

The kind of help and experience from this community is invaluable. Thank you all, and here is to finding someone who does love and care for us the same way we will them!

[Deeno02]

Wow, some really great posts here... .I appreciate it a lot. Had a bit of a downer this evening... .went to see a film that reminded me a lot of my ex, but came home to read these posts which just help set things straight in my mind.

The kind of help and experience from this community is invaluable. Thank you all, and here is to finding someone who does love and care for us the same way we will them!

Not gonna lie, it sucks. Mine still rents space in my head even though she has another so quickly. Horrible pain, but its slowly making more sense... .it will get better.

[willtimeheal]

Mine still rents space too. Today was a tough day for me. A lot of what ifs and a lot of ruminating... .reading this post helped a lot. Especially timtom... .I think that is the healthiest way to look at this. Day 16 NC for me.

[KeepOnGoing]

Helped me, too, this weekend. This is truly an inside job. I have a lot of work to do to find my own self worth and not continue to seek t from others.

[anxiety5]

Helped me, too, this weekend. This is truly an inside job. I have a lot of work to do to find my own self worth and not continue to seek t from others.

I'm just now reading materials both here and in general regarding the work ahead. The concept of identifying your core values is enlightening. Just picking a few things that resonate with me personally, Honesty,Trust,Loyalty,Accountability.  To me, I can see the linear pattern. I seek someone who is genuine, (not in denial) true, and accepting in terms of self. The first part of acceptance is understanding that perfect is not possible. Once you accept this, you begin to understand the concept at hand. Identify limiting beliefs of yourself and accept the ones you can change as work to be done and also accept the ones that you can not change about who you are.  I seek this sort of truth or honesty. Once you have this, you are able to trust. All loyalty amounts to is sustained trust. And accountability for our weak times and moments of not being our best. To remain true to myself in those moments, own actions and use them as a means to learn. 

Wow.

Understanding how the identification of these values resonates with me, the 4 above is profound. I feel just in the process of thought, of identification of which value traits resonate with me a better understanding of who Iam. The big wow moment for me already in this process of rebuilding myself in a good way, has been the overwhelming realization that my ex possess NONE of these very things. She lives in denial of her actions, she is not honest but manipulates, therefore she is not trustworthy and her denial keeps her from ever being accountable.

You see, in a frayed way, we aren't too different from our BPD ex or BPD partners. Their condition is driven of emotions dominating their logic thoughts and hijacking their lives into impulsive behaviors that become habitual as they seek to rid themselves of this. (control, manipulation, isolation etc) We too our driven off emotions. We are driven by the emotions we can derive from others by giving of ourselves. This is the flaw. We need to look to ourselves. So in a sense, the emotional responses (being put on a pedestal) in the seduction/honeymoon phase drove US as well to latch onto them. 

In the simple process of focusing on ME for once. Identifying 4 core values that I feel I possess and that I feel I need, honesty, trust, loyalty and accountability I can now revisit our initial meeting even if only in hypothetical terms. In doing so, I would understand that honesty is an action that builds trust. By definition, it can't be given immediately. It is earned. This simple concept would have forced me to keep myself in check. Yes she seems fantastic, let's just go with the flow here. One step at a time. That in itself may have caused her to leave me right then. Which instantly proves she is not any of my 4 core values and thus I waste no time in pursuit. You see, whether it be 1, 3, 5 months, eventually the mask was removed in all of our situations. And in that moment when I was cheated on, I would relate to myself that her hurtful actions broke all of my 4 foundational cores. She was not honest about what happened with him, therefore I cannot trust her. If I can not trust her loyalty can never be built and she has never been accountable for any of it. Why on Earth would I have stayed? It isn't love. We are not compatible. Her actions have proven it. So I would have left (enforced my breached boundaries) And even if she pursued me, I would not take her back because how could I in good faith invest time and energy into someone who has none of the core values I need in a partner?

You see how in one exercise of focusing on ME, I have already set a path to become whole. And to find a person who will match the things I'm looking for. I understand nobody is perfect and that's why that 4th value of accountability makes my other 3 always solid to the core. If you mess up fine, but if you do so and are not accountable for it than you simply aren't the one for me. 

The lack of healthy self esteem and lack of self worth I'm learning does not mean that I'm flawed or that I have serious problems with me that need months of intense therapy or anything like that. I learned from an early age by watching a parent, to be selfless. To look to myself was selfish. Bad. It's not that I had serious problems, it's that I never identified who Iam, what my core values were or how to use them to deduct situations that have happened in relationships. The act of becoming whole individually without the need of other's view of me is in identification and simply living each day by these things I identify. In action I can sleep well at night no matter how someone else treats me. If I know myself and who I'am as well as what I need from another person than leaving a situation is nothing more than being true to myself. And that by definition is being whole.

[GoodThingsToCome]

Thanks anxiety5, that's possibly one of the best posts I've read on these forums. Seriously, I am struggling with that exact thing right now... .I allowed myself to remain involved with someone who doesn't share the same core values as me and for me the biggest problem was accountability. She never held herself truly accountable for her behaviour and ultimately projected onto others, mostly me.

Still to this day I think about the damn 'what ifs' and its completely due to my own self-esteem issues... .I mean, who am I kidding? The reason things really didn't work out is because we aren't right for each and as you say don't share the same core values. Had I been more in tune with myself, I would've bailed a long time ago.

I know I'm at a point now where I need to follow a similar exercise... .I need put myself first and know deep down who I am so that I don't allow others people's views to influence me so much.

Thanks for the great post

[going places]

I'm now 8 weeks out of the break-up... .a couple of weeks NC and feeling better as the weeks go by. I've done an incredible amount of reflection on the relationship and on her behaviour, but also on my contribution towards things.

I am 2 months into very low contact (email only) and I think to myself... .WHY DIDN'T I DO THIS SOONER!

I've had a lot of moments where I've wondered things like "what if I had done X or Y", "what if I had supported her financially a bit better at a certain time", or "why did I not organize for us to do more stuff together, or go away on weekends etc." -  as if these things may have made a difference. I know that even in a normal relationship one looks back and thinks of things they could do better, but when I look back at my relationship, I firmly believe that I never did a lot of these things because a) I was so uncertain of where the relationship was going half of the time (it rarely felt stable or safe), and b) I was so damn exhausted most of the time... .just the idea of coming home and having a pleasant night/weekend without drama was gold for me; I might be wrong, but I honestly feel like I didn't have the emotional energy to do a lot of these other things I would have normally wanted to do. I really believe I had so much more to give this woman (on top of what I already had), had she just allowed me the energy and love to express it.

Oh, I did all the 'what if's'.

ALL OF THEM

And it didn't matter... .

It was never 'enough'.

No matter what I did... .no matter how over the top, huge... beyond wildest expectations it was... .he always wanted something 'more'... .So know this: your 'what if's" don't matter to a disordered person; they would never be enough anyway. Good on you for not wasting your time and dignity.

Just out of curiosity, do many of you go through the same thing over and over in terms of thinking about the "what ifs", and do you also look back and realise how exhausted/drained you were a lot of the time?

Cheers.

I don't anymore.

I have come to the absolute conclusion that it was NOT me, not one bit.

It was out of my control.

Once his mask fell off (8/11), he could never get it back on to completely cover himself again.

Once he showed me the REAL him... .there was no turning back.

Sad... .it took TWENTY YEARS of brainwashing and abuse before it fell off... .but, better late than never!

[rickdeckard]

The what ifs. So many of those.

The biggest one - what if I knew then what I know now?

But I didnt know it then. And I cannot change that. I cannot change any of my past actions. They are done.

All I have now is what they created - the what is.

And a new set of what ifs that I can change.

Right now, what if I... .

Went for a walk around the lake... .

Went for a bicycle ride... .

Called a relative or friend... .

Went to the library... .

... .

I wont know the answer to these what ifs unless I try them. They are open to me. They are still what may be.

The one what if I do know the outcome of is "what if I dwell on the what ifs of the past?".

If I do that the past will remain the same and I will lose the opportunity to explore the what ifs of the present.

Think I'll text a friend, see what he's up to. Maybe we can hang out today, walk around downtown.

[balou_k]

Well I also wonder what if, a bunch of what if's...

But there are no what if's, for myself I can say that I did everything I could and really gave the best of me...

[rickdeckard]

Well I also wonder what if, a bunch of what if's...

But there are no what if's, for myself I can say that I did everything I could and really gave the best of me...

Hi, balou_k !

Thats all we really could have done, isnt it? Everything we could? And now you have and what happened did.

[Pingo]

Ughhh the 'what if's'! So many! They have dissipated though.  4 mths out and they are becoming less and less although I still have my days.  I was the one who ended our r/s and I sometimes go into full blown panic at what I have done! 

In the simple process of focusing on ME for once. Identifying 4 core values that I feel I possess and that I feel I need, honesty, trust, loyalty and accountability I can now revisit our initial meeting even if only in hypothetical terms. In doing so, I would understand that honesty is an action that builds trust. By definition, it can't be given immediately. It is earned. This simple concept would have forced me to keep myself in check. Yes she seems fantastic, let's just go with the flow here. One step at a time. That in itself may have caused her to leave me right then. Which instantly proves she is not any of my 4 core values and thus I waste no time in pursuit. You see, whether it be 1, 3, 5 months, eventually the mask was removed in all of our situations. And in that moment when I was cheated on, I would relate to myself that her hurtful actions broke all of my 4 foundational cores. She was not honest about what happened with him, therefore I cannot trust her. If I can not trust her loyalty can never be built and she has never been accountable for any of it. Why on Earth would I have stayed? It isn't love. We are not compatible. Her actions have proven it. So I would have left (enforced my breached boundaries) And even if she pursued me, I would not take her back because how could I in good faith invest time and energy into someone who has none of the core values I need in a partner?

You see how in one exercise of focusing on ME, I have already set a path to become whole. And to find a person who will match the things I'm looking for. I understand nobody is perfect and that's why that 4th value of accountability makes my other 3 always solid to the core. If you mess up fine, but if you do so and are not accountable for it than you simply aren't the one for me. 

Thank you Anxiety5, I needed to hear this today.  Had a rough weekend and was feeling sad/missing him.  I too wrote out a list of my values and circled my core values and discovered he didn't have ANY of my core values.  I did this not long after we split.  It was incredibly helpful and I needed a reminder of this.

When I expressed my guilt and 'what if's' to my T, she asked me why I felt I should have more than my half the responsibility in making the r/s work.  We delved into this.  For me it comes from my r/s with my mother.  I have always had to be the 'good girl', the responsible one.  The one who keeps trying no matter what abuse she inflicted on me.  I did the same thing with my uBPDexh.

[Deeno02]

Ughhh the 'what if's'! So many! They have dissipated though.  4 mths out and they are becoming less and less although I still have my days.  I was the one who ended our r/s and I sometimes go into full blown panic at what I have done! 

In the simple process of focusing on ME for once. Identifying 4 core values that I feel I possess and that I feel I need, honesty, trust, loyalty and accountability I can now revisit our initial meeting even if only in hypothetical terms. In doing so, I would understand that honesty is an action that builds trust. By definition, it can't be given immediately. It is earned. This simple concept would have forced me to keep myself in check. Yes she seems fantastic, let's just go with the flow here. One step at a time. That in itself may have caused her to leave me right then. Which instantly proves she is not any of my 4 core values and thus I waste no time in pursuit. You see, whether it be 1, 3, 5 months, eventually the mask was removed in all of our situations. And in that moment when I was cheated on, I would relate to myself that her hurtful actions broke all of my 4 foundational cores. She was not honest about what happened with him, therefore I cannot trust her. If I can not trust her loyalty can never be built and she has never been accountable for any of it. Why on Earth would I have stayed? It isn't love. We are not compatible. Her actions have proven it. So I would have left (enforced my breached boundaries) And even if she pursued me, I would not take her back because how could I in good faith invest time and energy into someone who has none of the core values I need in a partner?

You see how in one exercise of focusing on ME, I have already set a path to become whole. And to find a person who will match the things I'm looking for. I understand nobody is perfect and that's why that 4th value of accountability makes my other 3 always solid to the core. If you mess up fine, but if you do so and are not accountable for it than you simply aren't the one for me. 

Thank you Anxiety5, I needed to hear this today.  Had a rough weekend and was feeling sad/missing him.  I too wrote out a list of my values and circled my core values and discovered he didn't have ANY of my core values.  I did this not long after we split.  It was incredibly helpful and I needed a reminder of this.

When I expressed my guilt and 'what if's' to my T, she asked me why I felt I should have more than my half the responsibility in making the r/s work.  We delved into this.  For me it comes from my r/s with my mother.  I have always had to be the 'good girl', the responsible one.  The one who keeps trying no matter what abuse she inflicted on me.  I did the same thing with my uBPDexh.

Yeah, those weekends are killer aren't they? God, been almost 2 months and they still cause me dread. And I even went out on Saturday.

[cleverusername]

I've had a lot of moments where I've wondered things like "what if I had done X or Y", "what if I had supported her financially a bit better at a certain time", or "why did I not organize for us to do more stuff together, or go away on weekends etc." -  as if these things may have made a difference. I know that even in a normal relationship one looks back and thinks of things they could do better, but when I look back at my relationship, I firmly believe that I never did a lot of these things because a) I was so uncertain of where the relationship was going half of the time (it rarely felt stable or safe), and b) I was so damn exhausted most of the time... .just the idea of coming home and having a pleasant night/weekend without drama was gold for me; I might be wrong, but I honestly feel like I didn't have the emotional energy to do a lot of these other things I would have normally wanted to do. I really believe I had so much more to give this woman (on top of what I already had), had she just allowed me the energy and love to express it.

GoodThingsToCome, this post kind of weirded me out because of how closely it mirrors feelings I have felt. The fact that I didn't organize things to do together, go away on weekends, etc, was something that I know she didn't like about the relationship. She voiced that to me, and even asked at one point if I could ever see myself surprising her with a trip somewhere romantic. I told her I could see myself doing that but never did.

I had thoughts of going out of my way to plan something like this and every time I did I'd experience the feelings that you expressed: uncertainty about where the relationship was going, instability, exhaustion from spending more time with her than I really wanted to as it was (I'm an introvert and need some alone time that she wouldn't afford me), and always feeling like I was walking on eggshells. Plus she was such a planner that for the most part things were planned weeks in advance and it was tough to deviate from her plans (I did sometimes but had to deal with her wrath). I'd think to myself that I knew she'd love it if I'd plan a weekend getaway but I'd realize that I just really didn't want to, and was exhausted by her and all of the ups and downs of the relationship as it was.

There were definitely times after the breakup where I thought about all of the things I could have done to be a better boyfriend but the reality was that her behavior prevented me from doing it all along. Now I realize (and honestly I was even aware of it then) that had I been with the right person for me I would have had no problem doing things like planning things to do together.

[Deeno02]

I've had a lot of moments where I've wondered things like "what if I had done X or Y", "what if I had supported her financially a bit better at a certain time", or "why did I not organize for us to do more stuff together, or go away on weekends etc." -  as if these things may have made a difference. I know that even in a normal relationship one looks back and thinks of things they could do better, but when I look back at my relationship, I firmly believe that I never did a lot of these things because a) I was so uncertain of where the relationship was going half of the time (it rarely felt stable or safe), and b) I was so damn exhausted most of the time... .just the idea of coming home and having a pleasant night/weekend without drama was gold for me; I might be wrong, but I honestly feel like I didn't have the emotional energy to do a lot of these other things I would have normally wanted to do. I really believe I had so much more to give this woman (on top of what I already had), had she just allowed me the energy and love to express it.

GoodThingsToCome, this post kind of weirded me out because of how closely it mirrors feelings I have felt. The fact that I didn't organize things to do together, go away on weekends, etc, was something that I know she didn't like about the relationship. She voiced that to me, and even asked at one point if I could ever see myself surprising her with a trip somewhere romantic. I told her I could see myself doing that but never did.

I had thoughts of going out of my way to plan something like this and every time I did I'd experience the feelings that you expressed: uncertainty about where the relationship was going, instability, exhaustion from spending more time with her than I really wanted to as it was (I'm an introvert and need some alone time that she wouldn't afford me), and always feeling like I was walking on eggshells. Plus she was such a planner that for the most part things were planned weeks in advance and it was tough to deviate from her plans (I did sometimes but had to deal with her wrath). I'd think to myself that I knew she'd love it if I'd plan a weekend getaway but I'd realize that I just really didn't want to, and was exhausted by her and all of the ups and downs of the relationship as it was.

There were definitely times after the breakup where I thought about all of the things I could have done to be a better boyfriend but the reality was that her behavior prevented me from doing it all along. Now I realize (and honestly I was even aware of it then) that had I been with the right person for me I would have had no problem doing things like planning things to do together.

Yep Clever. When we got together I told her I couldn't be with her 24/7 (I had a house and 2 kids) she had a house with 5 kids and as a divorced guy, i took all the debt. Anyway, similar experience.  You dont spend enough time with me, treat me special or else, vacation before her schedule got busy... .etc. Well, i didnt do it either and felt the wrath. It mattered so much to her, it got tossed back in my face at the break up, aling with other stuff I didnt know about or heard before.  Long story short, ended up shattered. All my extra money i was using to pay down debt so we could have a future together, went to an engagement rid i spent the money on. She never knew about it as i was dumped before i could propose. I look at my mistake everyday reminding me of my stupidity.

[clydegriffith]

I used to ask myself "what if" all the time. Foolishly thinking how great it would if she had been normal. The thing i learned is that had she been normal, i would not have been with her as she would have probably been in a stable relationship long before meeting me.

[Deeno02]

I used to ask myself "what if" all the time. Foolishly thinking how great it would if she had been normal. The thing i learned is that had she been normal, i would not have been with her as she would have probably been in a stable relationship long before meeting me.

i was her first after a 15 year marriage. Rebound guy... .yep