How do you set boundaries?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I agree with Upside down, Harbour.

However, when my bf started his "weird" behaviours, it was 4 months after we started to date and I was in love with him and didn't want to lose him. So I stayed. 2 years later, have those behaviours stopped? no! Got worse I could say because I didn't set my limits. I didn't listen to myself, I didn't respect myself.

If you decide to stay in this relationship, PLEASE, set your limits asap ! For your own sake!

[Isa_lala]

I agree with Upside down, Harbour.

However, when my bf started his "weird" behaviours, it was 4 months after we started to date and I was in love with him and didn't want to lose him. So I stayed. 2 years later, have those behaviours stopped? no! Got worse I could say because I didn't set my limits. I didn't listen to myself, I didn't respect myself.

If you decide to stay in this relationship, PLEASE, set your limits asap ! For your own sake!

[harbour]

Isa_lala, I understand why it must be very difficult to break up when there are children involved.

Fear and guilt are some of the feelings I also struggle with. After only six months!

Upsidedown_world, There are many good things in my relationship. It is still not clear to me whether the good or the bad dominates. I feel good with him when he is not in one of his moods. I am more tired than before though, even in the good periods. Today I had three calls and 22 sms messages from him. I will probably receive more messages this evening before I go to bed. That stresses me a lot. I am trying to think out how I can make him reduce these messages without him getting too upset. The fact that I feel I have to think that out, that I can't just tell him not to disturb me all the time, is frustrating and feels unreasonable. That, I want to and need to change.

What really provokes me is that I accept being controlled by fear and guilt. Even though it is only to a certain degree. It makes me feel a little like in prison. That prison is my own prison. He is not responsible for that. I am. I am aware that he, or his behaviour and reactions trigger my fear and guilt. But he is not responsible for my feelings. He is responsible for his own behaviour - and feelings. Not for my feelings whatsoever (maybe he is partly responsible for my getting scared when he behaves threatening). As I am not responsible for his feelings. So when I don't set boundaries and take the space I need it is because I subject myself to his fears and anger and controlling etc. I am doing that. And that provokes and frustrates me more than anything. I thought I knew myself better than that. I do set boundaries, but not enough. I need more space, and I will not tolerate being yelled at or his threatening behaviour. I have set a boundary there. I should have done that the very first time he got an outburst. Time will show if he can and will respect the boundaries I set.

To me it begins to look like something of a shocker if one voluntarily stays caught up in misery because of fear and guilt. I don't want to find myself in that situation. Why would I not be walking out the door permanently when I have these questions at this relatively early stage of the relationship? I have been single for 30 years. Then I met him. So you see, I don't have much experience with relationships. I do see that this can't be normal. There was a reason why I looked for this site. But it may not be that easy to be in a relationship with me neither. I may need more space than most in a relationship, because I haven't been engaged in a close and intimate relationship for so many years. And I think that I have a lot to learn about that.

By the way, several on this forum warned me of the fact that a BPD will never change. That it only gets worse when in a relationship. I see that you speak out of experience. But who said, and how can one be sure, that this is the case for ALL BPD's, that there are no exceptions?

Lucky One, I found the Workshops, but I can't find "Boarders" by Skip, May 2014. I would very much like to read it.

[Indyan]

By the way, several on this forum warned me of the fact that a BPD will never change. That it only gets worse when in a relationship. I see that you speak out of experience.

I think that's for BPDs who seek no treatment/therapy. They'll just keep repeating their cycles over and over again.

But maybe for the others, there's a bit of hope left?

[Lucky One]

By the way, several on this forum warned me of the fact that a BPD will never change. That it only gets worse when in a relationship. I see that you speak out of experience.

I think that's for BPDs who seek no treatment/therapy. They'll just keep repeating their cycles over and over again.

But maybe for the others, there's a bit of hope left?

Absolutely agree. But they pwBPD have to go for treatment. By doing so they are acknowledging that something needs to be done and / or something is wrong.

Also it's NOT going to be a short treatment time. Could be years. Maybe less. Depends on their motivation and how ":)ESPERATE" they are to put and end to their own suffering.

We should just know that they are really suffering!

But that's NOT a good enough reason for putting us through agony, turmoil and chaos!   

[Isa_lala]

Harbour,

even if you haven't been in a lot of relationships (and it is my case, I had only been in a 2,5 year-long relationship before him), you know what is acceptable or not.

Imagine a friend of yours is at your place and you see the scene where her BF is yelling at her, grabs a knife and put it back on the table, how would you feel?

When my BF has his rage outburst, I imagine if we were in a coffee shop for example, I am quiet sure that people around would intervene or even call the police. This is not an acceptable behaviour, either from a BF, a boss, a friend or a family member.

I understand that there are a lot of things you like in your relationship, we all do. Take time to think (alone) about your limits, what you expect from a relationship, what you don't want and try to see what limits you really want him to respect. you can tell him one at a time.

you see, I am one better to give advice for others than for myself 

[Isa_lala]

Harbour? What's new on your side?

[harbour]

I have been in Athens for 8 days to see my Greek friends there. My partner missed me desperately. I missed him too, really, but not desperately.

Things are going pretty well between my partner and me at the moment. Since I talked to him about his rage and told him that I feel unsafe and threatened, when he gets so furious and picks up a knife etc., he hasn't had any outburst. He seems to take it seriously, and he is obviously able to control it, so far. I have my issues too. When we had that talk, he told me that he was very vulnerable to my threatening him to leave him. I got surprised, because I have never threatened to leave him. He said that I hadn't done it directly, but when I say things like "What you are doing now is very stupid of you", e.g. when he wants to leave my place in anger, then he feels that I am warning him, that I am saying that if he walks out that door, I might just leave him for good. I see how that kind of remarks can trigger his fear. So I am more careful what I say and how I say things, and I don't feel it is so difficult, because it is not hard for me to understand it. He obviously feels more secure and more relaxed now.

I think that his rage and his very aggressive outbursts were triggered by an unbearable fear and suspicion that he was going to lose me, that it could too easily happen any moment. I have not given him any promises, and I would never do that, though he tells me again and again that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and that he will never fail me. It would be a false security to give him. I don't believe that it would make him feel more secure. But I am trying to show him that I want to make this relationship work, and he seems to trust me in that now. That has made things a lot more stable, and less tiring. It is still hard for him, when we part every Monday (we are together 3-4 days a week, usually Friday till Monday). A few hours after he has left he starts sending me messages, lots of them, and continues doing that during the week, expecting me to reply every message. And I can deal with that.

I don't know, of course, if it will go on developing in a healthy direction. We will just take it easy and see ... .

[RunForest]

Today I had three calls and 22 sms messages from him. I will probably receive more messages this evening before I go to bed. That stresses me a lot.

Hi Harbour !

1) It seems unbearable 22 sms per morning right?

... .and though at first I would be honored to all these tokens of love... .but seriously , really it is too intrusive.

How to set boundaries? You may tell him that you feel happy that he is thinking of you, but that you must shut down your phone during the day to be able to work /to  paint / to drive... and do it. (telling him it is not just for him, but for everybody for you to focus on your tasks)

And that you will respond to his sms/call at 7pm (for example)

My boyfriend did that with me and I take it as it is ! (I would have liked to send him 22 sms but definitely never dare)   

2) I go through the same experience a little as yours, with age and the long celibacy, are we more ready to respond to any desires of the unexpected man suddenly in our lives for fear of losing him?

In fact people are meeting even at 75 yo, as you overcame loneliness once , believe me it is the same in better after an experience of relationship which learned a lot about you, and that you can improve  yourself until Mr Right will appear.

This is how I feel personnaly.

But maybe just to set your boundaries with your disorderly boyfriend is allready a big step.

[RunForest]

PS : I should add - practical advice for not being invaded by unwanted sms or phone calls at certain times:

- My boyfriend closes his phone during his working day so I knew it and did not call to leave a message except if it was important.

- On the other hand, he was disturbed during our relationship that my phone was on answering directly after 9.30pm. I explained to him the next day that I shut it off every night or it will discharge quickly (old item)  - In fact I didn't want him to call me after 10 pm as he used to do in the beginning, since it stopped me to relax before going to sleep (but I did not want to offend him by telling him that, though he would have probably accepted).

[Isa_lala]

I think that his rage and his very aggressive outbursts were triggered by an unbearable fear and suspicion that he was going to lose me, that it could too easily happen any moment. I have not given him any promises, and I would never do that, though he tells me again and again that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and that he will never fail me. It would be a false security to give him. I don't believe that it would make him feel more secure. But I am trying to show him that I want to make this relationship work, and he seems to trust me in that now. That has made things a lot more stable, and less tiring. It is still hard for him, when we part every Monday (we are together 3-4 days a week, usually Friday till Monday). A few hours after he has left he starts sending me messages, lots of them, and continues doing that during the week, expecting me to reply every message. And I can deal with that.

I don't know, of course, if it will go on developing in a healthy direction. We will just take it easy and see ... .

I would say that my BF does the same. He has always been afraid of me meeting another men (better than him of course, because of his poor self-esteem) and I need to reassure him about my love from him even if it doesn't work... he will always have this fear of abandonment, that's part of him. He would have to work hard on a therapy to decrease this fear he has had for so many years... .

On my side, I really try to not have conversation via SMS. I don't succeed very well, but at least I try.