at the finish line maybe advice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ok after 2 1/2 year long divorce process we finally have a court date in 2 weeks. I just moved out of the house a few months ago and have a temporary order in place with 50% custody. All non financial issues are settled this is about money. How do I get her to come to the table and skip a 4 day trial? Yes its a lot of money at stake and the future of a family business.  Her demands are completely ridiculous, as have her accusations been of me hiding money( im not) being abusive,  etc... .I worry a judge may believe her drama as so many others have and give her the kitchen sink. The backside is that I may be better off in court than negotiating as she has proven unwilling to agree to anything reasonable.

[Imreadytodate]

Ok after 2 1/2 year long divorce process we finally have a court date in 2 weeks. I just moved out of the house a few months ago and have a temporary order in place with 50% custody. All non financial issues are settled this is about money. How do I get her to come to the table and skip a 4 day trial? Yes its a lot of money at stake and the future of a family business.  Her demands are completely ridiculous, as have her accusations been of me hiding money( im not) being abusive,  etc... .I worry a judge may believe her drama as so many others have and give her the kitchen sink. The backside is that I may be better off in court than negotiating as she has proven unwilling to agree to anything reasonable.

[Nope]

You may be exactly right that ultimately the court would be more reasonable that she will be. If negotiations look luke they are going in the direction of court being more fair than she is, be completely prepared to walk into court. Her L is likely to try very hard to keep this out of court and want a settlement. The court also wants a settlement because nobody can come back to the court later and complain about what they agreed to.

The more willing you are to go in front of a judge if her demands are ridiculous, the more likely you are to get a reasonable offer the day of court to keep court from actually happening.

Remember that unless you have a new judge, judges have heard everyone under the sun come in complaining that the other spouse is hiding money. Judges are supposed to rule based on evidence.

[Imreadytodate]

Thanks very much this is sound advice

[Kadee]

My divorce was final in August. All that was/is left is him getting his stuff and selling the house. So, this weekend he came and got his stuff. Now claims he is taking me back to court to get his "$700 jelly cabinet and paper cabinet [that he made himself out of oak]" that I told him he can't have until he returns some of my items that he should not have taken.

For my "sins", I am punishing him and he's taking me back to court. Oh he even told me where we'd both end up on judgement day. His outlook isn't so positive for me... hahaha but he's preetty sure we won't see each other. Both funny and sad that someone, anyone, can judge where I stand with Jesus.

Unfortunately, I think his attorney is in it only for the money, so sure, she'll do whatever he says.

I've become wise enough to ignore him. Let him ruin only his own day, not mine. Pretty sure the magistrate will laugh him out if the court room. Pretty sure we won't end up there.

It's been a 2 1/2 year battle for me to get this behind me. Hoping the house sells fast and I can move on completely.

[livednlearned]

Imreadytodate,

A lot of people have had BPD stbx spouses settle outside the courthouse -- it happens. Two weeks is still a lot of time. A day before your hearing is a lot of time. You may find that you get a call from her L the morning you are headed to court.

I understand the desire to have your BPD stbx suddenly become reasonable so as to avoid a bad consequence, but there is no magic wand to make them act in reasonable ways. The disorder makes it next to impossible, as hard as it is to come to terms with that.

What often happens is this: Lawyers are ethically bound to represent the best interests of their client. If your wife's offer or counterclaims are ridiculous, her L knows she won't get what she wants. If she insists on going to court, and her L knows she is going to lose, the tension is going to start to build between them. Lawyers like making money, but they don't like losing. If that's what is happening with your wife's L, the pressure to settle is going to start rising.

A lot depends on whether it is obvious she is being unreasonable. If her L thinks she is telling the truth, then that may change his motivation to settle or not.

You are not able to convince her of anything at this point. You've been split black.

It's best to focus on your boundaries and have a good plan for taking care of yourself these next few weeks to keep your stress and anxiety down. By focus on boundaries, I mean sticking to what you believe is fair and right. Don't negotiate with yourself -- that's one of the number one mistakes people make when negotiating. In the absence of a solid counter offer from her, you are already started to wheel and deal with yourself. Avoid that if you can.

There is a higher-than average chance you are going to end up in court at some point -- often BPD sufferers do not comply with court orders. We believe in their authority, them -- not so much.

Whether you settle or go to court, one of the lawyers will need to write the ruling up. Make sure it is your lawyer. It will cost you money, but it gives you some control over what gets written. Everything that goes in there needs a consequence. If your wife is in the home and you plan to sell it, make sure there are clear stipulations for everything. What happens if she does not agree to an appraiser, what happens if she does not agree on a realtor, what happens if there is an offer within 5% of the asking price -- someone needs to be the decider. Think carefully about every step in every interaction or agreement where there is potential for her to stonewall or obstruct, and have a consequence in there. She won't necessarily comply just because of the consequence, but in the event you have to go to court, you won't be gambling on what the judge will do. The judge will see that she signed the document, and the document says if she doesn't agree to x, y, z, then a, b, c will happen. Otherwise, many judges will give people a second and third bite of the apple.

Drives me absolutely nuts.

Good luck, and don't fold if you can avoid it. Stick to your boundaries --- anything less and she will still manage to create problems, so don't look at anything less as though it will make the conflict go away. It won't, sorry to say.

[ForeverDad]

Whether you settle or go to court, one of the lawyers will need to write the ruling up. Make sure it is your lawyer. It will cost you money, but it gives you some control over what gets written. Everything that goes in there needs a consequence. If your wife is in the home and you plan to sell it, make sure there are clear stipulations for everything. What happens if she does not agree to an appraiser, what happens if she does not agree on a realtor, what happens if there is an offer within 5% of the asking price -- someone needs to be the decider. Think carefully about every step in every interaction or agreement where there is potential for her to stonewall or obstruct, and have a consequence in there. She won't necessarily comply just because of the consequence, but in the event you have to go to court, you won't be gambling on what the judge will do. The judge will see that she signed the document, and the document says if she doesn't agree to x, y, z, then a, b, c will happen. Otherwise, many judges will give people a second and third bite of the apple.

Drives me absolutely nuts.

Good luck, and don't fold if you can avoid it. Stick to your boundaries --- anything less and she will still manage to create problems, so don't look at anything less as though it will make the conflict go away. It won't, sorry to say.

So true.  Why is it so important to get consequences - or the next steps if something fails - included in the order?  Judges are very reluctant to have one spouse or parent feel the winner or the other feel the loser.  So when you're back in court and the ex asks for time or tries to wriggle out of the terms, a judge will think, "Why not?"  Judges won't care about your valuable time or your legal fees paid, time and money are the least of their concerns. Their goal is to put off making a decision in hopes more time and money will let the matter fix itself.  Remember, they assume both parents will act like somewhat reasonable people.  You know your ex won't and that is the problem, judges are very reluctant to accept that and so it's next to impossible to get the judges to call the obstructive person to account.

Also, if a settlement is reached, have the terms read into the record right there in court.  Why?  That way if there is disagreement about what was written up, the court's record can be consulted and followed.  And yes, the ex will try to reinterpret the settlement.  Yes, that quickly.