Friends with benefits relationship with exBPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I fear a looming disaster here, why would you risk it for some sex?

I'd rather stick it in a jar of angry wasps than my lying, cheating ex.

[camuse]

I fear a looming disaster here, why would you risk it for some sex?

I'd rather stick it in a jar of angry wasps than my lying, cheating ex.

[fred6]

I'd rather stick it in a jar of angry wasps than my lying, cheating ex.

Wait... .wait, does that really work? Will a bowl work?

[tim_tom]

OK.  So the two of you may be contemplating a recyle.  

If you go this route - and sometimes we are compelled to do so - please become a "Staying Board" scholar.

That is far more real than convincing yourself that this is FWB and you have an Ironman mask on.

I encourage you to do the real work - whether you stay or go.  :)on't be one of those members who recycles, plays it the same as before (more or less), and then comes back with "proof - all pwBPD traits are hopeless."

If you recycle - man up and learn about the disorder and the tools and do your best to make them work.  Starting as FWB is a non-committal first step - but things are not going to change unless some real changes are made.

You're the healthy one - its on you.

Fair enough, but I don't want a recycle. So much so that I'll even refrain from pursuing this.

fwiw... my T made it very clear that there is nothing I could do to make her happy, she'd keep moving the goal posts, and life would be generally unpleasant. I believe her, which is why I'm not going to proceed any further here.

I think the only way it can work is if the BPD is willing to work on herself, in therapy and understand their issues. My ex won't hear any of that, I know cause I suggested couples therapy for us once and she flew off the handle about not being crazy.

[tim_tom]

I fear a looming disaster here, why would you risk it for some sex?

I just don't know, maybe I do want to prove it to myself but I honestly think there is 0% chance I could ever want a relationship with this person again

[tim_tom]

Seems like you've already made up your mind tim tom. All the advice given here is argumented by you. Its your path, your decision, you dont have to convince any of us, we are not here to judge you. I really hope it works out for you and I really hope it works out for your ex as well with respect from both sides. I know I recycled many times, always with the intention to do better, to practise SET and have firm boundaries, but I failed and took things personally. That kind of rs was not for me in any way shape or form.

Good luck on your journey

I have not made up my mind, if my mind was made up I wouldn't be posting about it... .I'm simply responding with my own thoughts, cause yes, I'd like to do it. But wanting to do it, and making up my mind to do it, are 2 different things. I'd like to hop a plane to Vegas tonight and quit my job too, but I am not going to do that

[Mr. Solo]

I have had these thoughts as well. My dBPDw actually teases me constantly. But then I think about how awful she would feel about herself afterwards. I also think, as someone else said, she would start to use it as a tool to manipulate. As great as she was in bed, and as hot is she is, I feel like it would damage her even more. But, I understand what you are thinking. I entertain it occasionally but I really don't want to.

[Skip]

OK.  So the two of you may be contemplating a recyle.  

If you go this route - and sometimes we are compelled to do so - please become a "Staying Board" scholar.

That is far more real than convincing yourself that this is FWB and you have an Ironman mask on.

I encourage you to do the real work - whether you stay or go.  :)on't be one of those members who recycles, plays it the same as before (more or less), and then comes back with "proof - all pwBPD traits are hopeless."

If you recycle - man up and learn about the disorder and the tools and do your best to make them work.  Starting as FWB is a non-committal first step - but things are not going to change unless some real changes are made.

You're the healthy one - its on you.

Fair enough, but I don't want a recycle. So much so that I'll even refrain from pursuing this.

fwiw... my T made it very clear that there is nothing I could do to make her happy, she'd keep moving the goal posts, and life would be generally unpleasant. I believe her, which is why I'm not going to proceed any further here.

I think the only way it can work is if the BPD is willing to work on herself, in therapy and understand their issues. My ex won't hear any of that, I know cause I suggested couples therapy for us once and she flew off the handle about not being crazy.

tim_tom,

I think you may be missing the point ad I say this to help you.  If you go back in any capacity, learning the tools is essential for YOU.

You are completely focused on her issues and that is   .  However troubled she was, what broke you was a troubled relationship and you fueled that as much as her.

It's easy to jump in threads and co-ruminate on what a wreck our partner was - many were  - but this type of thinking is a codependency (as we define it here) trait.  Read the signs here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

You know her.  You have access to a lot of research material.  You have a good therapist.  Everything you do going forward - in a breakup, a recycle, or a FWB arrangement is about you.  :)on't be blinded by codependency goggles.

Skip

[tim_tom]

tim_tom,

I think you may be missing the point ad I say this to help you.  If you go back in any capacity, learning the tools is essential for YOU.

You are completely focused on her issues and that is   .  However troubled she was, what broke you was a troubled relationship and you fueled that as much as her.

It's easy to jump in threads and co-ruminate on what a wreck our partner was - many were  - but this type of thinking is a codependency (as we define it here) trait.  Read the signs here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

You know her.  You have access to a lot of research material.  You have a good therapist.  Everything you do going forward - in a breakup, a recycle, or a FWB arrangement is about you.  :)on't be blinded by codependency goggles.

Skip

Ok, I understand. And believe me, I understand and accept my responsibility for my role in this mess. What I'm saying is that staying with her would very likely create an emotionally draining existence, that at best i might learn to manage her and manage my reaction to her, but who wants to be in a life long supposedly loving relationship like that. My T told me this exact thing after about a month of reading books and online material about BPD. I am not trying to mark her with the scarlet B, rather, I am taking the opportunity of being mostly emotionally disengaged, and looking back and saying I want better then what she will provide.

[going places]

My T told me to post this here, as we had a disagreement.

My exBPD was attractive, and I would like to sleep with her. I am almost 3 months post B/U and have come to the full realization how screwed up this relationship was and that yes, I was abused. I can honestly say I have 0 interest in getting back in a relationship with her, and will never feel feelings of love for her again.



That being said, I'd like to sleep with her. It's familiar, should be relatively easy, and frankly... if she gets hurt, I don't really care (although, that isn't my goal)

My T says I'd be better off getting some new girls. But I feel that is more risky and more likely to hurt an innocent party, I am in no way shape or form interested in a relationship. Not even a little. T seems to think if I do this with exBPD, I will only setback my progress and start pining for her again. But I honestly don't believe thats possible.

Thoughts? Has anyone moved on emotionally and then been able to enjoy a no strings attached relationship? Do you ever really move on, or would I still be vunerable to her considerable charms?

I would address the fact the way you look at 'sex'.

Sounds like you have little to no respect for women (and they, have little to no respect for themselves) and sex is like getting a Happy Meal at Mc Donalds... .just get what you like, and throw away the rest when you are done.

I would address the lack of respect and appreciation towards women first.

I would definitely not have casual sex with an ex, ever, not even if it meant saving the human race.

[vortex of confusion]

I would address the fact the way you look at 'sex'.

Sounds like you have little to no respect for women (and they, have little to no respect for themselves) and sex is like getting a Happy Meal at Mc Donalds... .just get what you like, and throw away the rest when you are done.

I would address the lack of respect and appreciation towards women first.

I would definitely not have casual sex with an ex, ever, not even if it meant saving the human race.

Wanting casual sex is not automatically a sign of having no respect for women. Lots of people (male and female) have casual sex while still respecting the other person. If two adults consent to having casual sex and want the same things, it isn't disrespectful at all. Having no respect for the ex is not the same as having no respect or appreciation towards women in general.

[Skip]

What I'm saying is that staying with her would very likely create an emotionally draining existence, that at best i might learn to manage her and manage my reaction to her, but who wants to be in a life long supposedly loving relationship like that.

Maybe you're making more of a distinction between "staying with her"  and entering into a FWB arrangement.

I'm suggesting that in either case, you are recycling and would different tools and skills than used before if you go this route.

I'm not suggesting that you "do" or "don't do" go back - not my place - but that your history makes me think you are underestimating what it would take to make this work and I caution you not to underestimate.  

I hope that helps.

[warhar]

Tim_Tom, please take your therapist's advice and JUST WALK AWAY! In dealing with BPDs there is no such thing as 'no-strings ANYTHING'! Any involvement you have with her, whether its FWB sex or even just sending an emoticon text will eventually be to your own detriment. That fantastic sex you used to have? Well, while you were taking pleasure from the sex, she was taking pleasure from seeing her game-plan come together. In any interaction between the two of you, the BPD will always be at least four moves ahead of you. And you so don't want to go where she's leading ... .

[tim_tom]

I would address the fact the way you look at 'sex'.

Sounds like you have little to no respect for women (and they, have little to no respect for themselves) and sex is like getting a Happy Meal at Mc Donalds... .just get what you like, and throw away the rest when you are done.

I would address the lack of respect and appreciation towards women first.

I would definitely not have casual sex with an ex, ever, not even if it meant saving the human race.

That is entirely unfair and you do not know my history, I have never had a 1 night stand, and never had sex outside of a committed relationship in which we were dating first.

Humans are sexual beings, men and women both enjoy it. I said in my OP that I'm unwilling to engage in meaningless sex with someone new, just because i have a healthy dose of respect for women. I still have feelings for my ex, and her me, and I am not interested in starting a new relationship, nor am I emotionally available in that way, to anyone, including my exBPD.

I can accept that people can see a host of issues with what I'm thinking, but a lack of respect for women shouldn't be one of them. Maybe a lack of respect for my exBPD is a fair point, but not women in general

[Caredverymuch]

I would address the fact the way you look at 'sex'.

Sounds like you have little to no respect for women (and they, have little to no respect for themselves) and sex is like getting a Happy Meal at Mc Donalds... .just get what you like, and throw away the rest when you are done.

I would address the lack of respect and appreciation towards women first.

I would definitely not have casual sex with an ex, ever, not even if it meant saving the human race.

That is entirely unfair and you do not know my history, I have never had a 1 night stand, and never had sex outside of a committed relationship in which we were dating first.

Humans are sexual beings, men and women both enjoy it. I said in my OP that I'm unwilling to engage in meaningless sex with someone new, just because i have a healthy dose of respect for women. I still have feelings for my ex, and her me, and I am not interested in starting a new relationship, nor am I emotionally available in that way, to anyone, including my exBPD.

I can accept that people can see a host of issues with what I'm thinking, but a lack of respect for women shouldn't be one of them. Maybe a lack of respect for my exBPD is a fair point, but not women in general

Tim tom, have you considered in deep reflection how this potential action might be more so, a lack of respect for yourself?

This is a support forum full of members in various stage of learning combined with deep emotion.  No one here judges, rather we try to learn from one another, to not only protect ourselves from a r/s experience as painful as we endured, but to  regain and redirect respect and insight... .on us. 

We can dissect the disorder and our ex's endlessly.  And we need to do that to detach.  But at a certain point, we need to start turning the ship.

And start changing the discussion. 

And energy.

To  ourselves.

That is the most important part of this experience. And pivotal. Or our own r/s patterns repeat.

And thats what I hope you gain from this thread.

Your previous posts indicated you felt your r/s was abusive. 

Is your T perhaps correct in saying there is more you might want to consider before you reengage/recycle for FWB?

I understand the journey.

I've been there.