i want off the rollercoaster

[Dexter0420]

My uBPDm left my dad in April, came back in July and is supposed to be leaving again this weekend citing she has been emotionally abused for the last 44 years.  She refuses to seek treatment for anything other than co-depency bc all of her problems are the result of someone else. She simply cannot stop herself from saying mean and personal things about my father to me.  She flat out lies or grotesquely twists the truth about things I KNOW I remember. She tries my patience on so many levels. I am guilty to say I was hoping she really would leave so I would only have to communicate by phone for the most part. Well I just got a text that she was going to give my dad another chance and would I support her MAYBE getting therapy for co-dependency where she and my dad live.  I told her I would support her getting honest therapy but she is not abused or a co-dependent.  I said her behavior causes my sister and I great anguish and that in trying to begin to process my childhood I'm seeing she wasn't the victim we were.  I finished by saying I love her and hope she finds peace but until I am stronger I cannot have the relationship with her she wants.  

 I know this was a great big vent session but I felt as though I wouldn't if I didn't put pen to paper so to speak.

[Kwamina]

Hi Dexter0420

 I know this was a great big vent session but I felt as though I wouldn't if I didn't put pen to paper so to speak.

Well we all need to vent sometimes don't we  And I actually don't find this as big a vent session at all.

Well I just got a text that she was going to give my dad another chance and would I support her MAYBE getting therapy for co-dependency where she and my dad live.  I told her I would support her getting honest therapy but she is not abused or a co-dependent.  I said her behavior causes my sister and I great anguish and that in trying to begin to process my childhood I'm seeing she wasn't the victim we were.  I finished by saying I love her and hope she finds peace but until I am stronger I cannot have the relationship with her she wants.  

You tried to communicate as honestly with your mother as you could and were clear about your boundaries and what you can and can't do for her. Having firm boundaries and being wiling and able to defend them when necessary, is very important when dealing with people who have BPD to protect your own emotional and mental well-being. How did your mother respond to you telling her these things?

[Dexter0420]

Better than I thought.  Usually she would spew something vile at me via multiple text messages, but this time she just reiterated what she said and again asked if I would support her.  Because I was prepare for the former, I had shut my phone off.  I only read her follow up message today and don't know how to respond quite frankly.  You don't know how many times we have had this EXACT same conversation and I have said yes, I will support you.  Then as little as a few weeks, maybe a few months later, my dad is emotionally abusing her again or there's somewhere else she wants to move because God is giving her signs that's where she should be.

Sure, I can tell her I will support her - but I have zero faith at this point and I hate feeling that way.  In every other aspect of my life I am a compassionate, caring person but with her I feel no empathy.  I recently told my husband I felt like I am a broken person because I feel this way towards my own mother.  He said I'm not broken, just drained.  Maybe that's it, but I don't want to go the rest of my life... .and hers feeling like this.  As I don't think she will ever change, my goal is to find a way to have some sort of relationship with her that doesn't make me want to pull my hair out.

[Harri]

Hi Dexter.  

Why not tell her what you said here?  Something similar to this:  

You don't know how many times we have had this EXACT same conversation and I have said yes, I will support you.  Then as little as a few weeks, maybe a few months later, my dad is emotionally abusing her again or there's somewhere else she wants to move because God is giving her signs that's where she should be.

Rewording this a bit would be just fine.  I can't think of a better response.  How would you feel about it?

I don't want to go the rest of my life... .and hers feeling like this.  As I don't think she will ever change, my goal is to find a way to have some sort of relationship with her that doesn't make me want to pull my hair out.

It seems to me that you have taken the first step toward reaching the point where you have a chance at a workable relationship with her when you said this:

I told her I would support her getting honest therapy but she is not abused or a co-dependent.  I said her behavior causes my sister and I great anguish and that in trying to begin to process my childhood I'm seeing she wasn't the victim we were.  I finished by saying I love her and hope she finds peace but until I am stronger I cannot have the relationship with her she wants.  

Very well done.  You are speaking up and saying no.  You are stating what is true for you and you told her you are going to take care of yourself first.  

Please do not measure your compassion and ability to care based on your relationship with your mother.  I used to think I did not know how to love because of the relationship I had with my mother.  The thing is, she would behave in ways that made it impossible for me to act on the love I felt (or compassion or concern... .).  I have a very strong feeling that that is true for those of us here posting about our family members, especially parents.  We spend so much time twisting ourselves around and trying so hard to demonstrate that we do love them and care and support them and they change the rules on us or twist it around.  It is an impossible task.  It is also draining.  

Your thoughtfulness, caring and compassion shines right through.  The fact that she is not in a place where she can see it or accept it does not mean you are damaged.

You most definitely are *not* broken Dexter.  

[Dexter0420]

Thank you so much for your kind words of wisdom. They are very much appreciated.