Ive been feeling the stress mounting up again and I havent been dealing with it very well.
I feel I am being as bad to my self as my mom and sister have been. Im angry because I left behind a house to come here and help my mom and sister with our sick Aunt and the thing that is really getting to me now is that My mother told me they had plenty of money! and not to worry about getting a job right away. They sold a building that belonged to my Aunt for 100,000 dollars! yes, and my mother went on and on to me about how I wouldnt have to worry and how she would pay off my credit cards for me so I wouldnt default on anything and that it was all right and that I didnt have to worry. Guess what? They are just about out of money and this 100,000 dollars is gone all ready.
I am freezing right now. My mother finally felt guilty for telling me I couldnt have the heat on here in the house which was soo absurd! She says its ok now, but only to have on ?I dont , 71 ? I am sorry... Its freezing here now, the heater doesnt do anything at this setting! And it doesnt matter, when they get the heating bill,its not going to matter how careful I am, I will be blamed... . I know it.
Then it happened again. Ive been feeding the old hores
(horses) exactly the way my sister had been doing it, plus feeding my two horses, of course we are going to go through grain alittle faster, but not that much, I feed mine 2 cans a day. I called a head of time to tell them we were almost out of grain and my mother got really mean to me. Can I win? She went on inferring that I was doing something wrong in such an ugly shaming way. I couldnt believe it. Like I was just dumping grain onto the dirt for no reason and leaving it. Finally we get grain and true to form like her, instead of being sorry to me she just acts really really nice like nothing happened.
Now something is wrong with my computer and I have to ask my dad for help. I need it too find a job! All the applications for teaching are on line now, plus everything esle. Was I lied to?  :)id my mother lie to me and tell me what ever I wanted to hear to shanghigh me into moving here? Now, I dont have a job. Im in the perfect position to be vulnerable to them. to be abused, lets be frank!
Then I called my dad and his wife answered and spent all this time gaining my confidence that I could talk to her. I told her I saw a counselor and that I didnt want my mom or sister to know at this time. Guess what she did? My mom is asking me in her car:  :)id you see a therapists yet. I heard you did. Of course I said no. I am so mad at my family. I hate my family. And then my dad's wifes is like tellling me that I should be obligated to do what my sister wants because she controls the money. I cant believe this! First of all, its not her money... . I dont care how my dad wanted to rationalize this, SHe hasnt had a normal job in 15 years. Ive been working my ass off for 14, 5 in the morning until 5 at night. I came here to help not be their slave... .and then my dad has the gal to infer that "I" was acting like victim martyer through out all this. Maybe I am the victim, maybe I was lied to. Maybe he needs to take his toxic abusive sheeet and shove it up his ase. I am the youngest, do you know what that means? That means that I am still at 53 years of age being used as the scape goat for everyone elses problems. I was lied too and brought here on false pretenses.
And then my mother wont leave me alone about going to church with them. Where they are now. Im not going. I dont believe you have to go to church to be close to God. Plus, it makes me sick the way Ive been treated and they come back not thinking once about the way they are doing things in reference to themselves and to me.
Im taking my computer in tomorrow and I am going to find a job. Im waiting for my insurrance to go through to see my counselor again and Im turning up the heat. (in the house)
P.S> Then to top it off: Both of them keep over buying stuff! all the time! this does not make sense to me. They go to Wal-mart like 4 times a week! and go to thift stores, and just over buy buy buy, stuff they dont really need. and leave the lights on all night in the house for the dogs and the cats in the garage. Thats electricity ,it adds up. Can anybody else make head or tails out this?