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Author Topic: Will he contact me? Do they come back?  (Read 7795 times)
Caredverymuch
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« Reply #60 on: November 04, 2014, 08:31:17 PM »

How long do they stay disregulated for?

He projects onto me his negative feelings, so that he doesn't have to feel them?

Is he at all aware of his part in the demise of our relationship?

Yes, he does project his shameful feelings on you.  There you have it.  :)o you understand why he does this?  :)o you deserve this and more importantly, do you want to remain in a r/s w someone who may continue to do this.  Are you strong enough to depersonalize these behaviors and stop "rescuing" him, which will only allow him to move the goal posts further and further and further?

No. He he is not aware of the demise of your r/s. He is disregulated and likely focused on new ( temporary) need based supply.

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lovethebeach
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« Reply #61 on: November 04, 2014, 08:39:35 PM »

Thank you for your quick response!

I'm not entirely sure why he does it other than that it's easier for him.

I know I don't want to be in a relationship with him any longer. I don't deserve any of that.

And you are right, the behaviors got worse throughout the relationship. Every time I was there, it kept escalating. Although, everything from the secret Craigslist account to the lying about his whereabouts occurred in three weeks.

Do they stop disregulating? I believe I've already been replaced ... .which hurts deeply.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #62 on: November 04, 2014, 09:01:50 PM »

Thank you for your quick response!

I'm not entirely sure why he does it other than that it's easier for him.

I know I don't want to be in a relationship with him any longer. I don't deserve any of that.

And you are right, the behaviors got worse throughout the relationship. Every time I was there, it kept escalating. Although, everything from the secret Craigslist account to the lying about his whereabouts occurred in three weeks.

Do they stop disregulating? I believe I've already been replaced ... .which hurts deeply.

They seem to do better in r/s where firm boundaries are in place as well as predictability and structure. Bpd/Npd r/s partners tend to fare "well" depending on your definition of "well" as they both have different yet complimentary pd's that yoke and avoid intimacy. Everything that we feel they want and need: rescuing, unconditional love, full availability, closeness, adoration, saving behaviors, lose boundaries and loss acceptance of "rules/boundaries",  sexual intimacy... .all of this that they very much want sets the disorder in bloom.

This disregulates them: Splitting. Dissociation. Replacing, Projection in reaction to confrontation for accountability. Abandoning first, Blaming, Narcissistic traits, triangulation.

Rescuing/enabling partners/codependants/caregiving partners are often met with behaviors that move the goal posts further each time while imposing immense

emotional hurt and anxiety.

If you want to truly move on, don't engage and take care of you. 
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #63 on: November 04, 2014, 09:15:59 PM »

So, it makes perfect sense that he bolted when I confronted him about his lying?

He never bolted previously... .But, I'm guessing the 3rd time in 3 weeks was too much?

I definitely wasn't expecting it, as I said I thought we were trying to work on things.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #64 on: November 04, 2014, 10:10:11 PM »

So, it makes perfect sense that he bolted when I confronted him about his lying?

He never bolted previously... .But, I'm guessing the 3rd time in 3 weeks was too much?

I definitely wasn't expecting it, as I said I thought we were trying to work on things.

I wouldn't term any of these behaviors as making perfect sense, rather

, characteristic of the disorder. 

Does it make perfect sense to cheat on a partner who has given and supported and cared as unwaveringly as we both have done in our r/s?  No. It does not.

If you are able to apply the behaviors to the disorder and depersonalize, what you may glimmer is that your partner has split you black and replaced you w a "non threatening" other/ need supply by way of an unconscious coping mechanism as a result of engulfment.

Your way of working on things does not work well in this type of r/s.

You are at a point of making an important decision. About YOU. Not him.

Are you self aware and self protective enough to put up a non negotiable boundary and let him go right now ?  Do you understand, as I did not at your very piont , that there is a very real need to stop rescuing and to turn the ship right now, to take care of you?
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #65 on: November 05, 2014, 07:45:32 AM »

It's just difficult because I feel as though he already made that decision.

He left. He's gone. He hasn't tried to contact me and every time I tried he was cold and distant. When he called, as I said he was screaming and seemed so angry and hurtful.

I'm not going to continue to contact someone who doesn't want to be contacted.

It's difficult to de-personalize, but I'm trying. You're saying that he ran because he felt "too close" to me after I caught him lying again?

He's not consciously aware that he's doing these things?

He's aware that he now "hates" me.

Caredverymuch, what is your advice going forward? I feel so lost and confused and hurt.

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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #66 on: November 05, 2014, 09:16:13 AM »

It's just difficult because I feel as though he already made that decision.

He left. He's gone. He hasn't tried to contact me and every time I tried he was cold and distant. When he called, as I said he was screaming and seemed so angry and hurtful.

I'm not going to continue to contact someone who doesn't want to be contacted.

It's difficult to de-personalize, but I'm trying. You're saying that he ran because he felt "too close" to me after I caught him lying again?

He's not consciously aware that he's doing these things?

He's aware that he now "hates" me.

Caredverymuch, what is your advice going forward? I feel so lost and confused and hurt.

PwBPD many times do know what they are doing but,  do not understand why they are doing it.  In my opinion, he ran because he was so full of shame. Fleeing is easier for them to forget about and not deal with their shame/bad feelings etc.  PwBPD have issues with taking responsibility for their actions.  It is easier for them to get a new supply. Therefore as a result of their denial of responsibility,  you are associated with their "bad feelings" and are the cause of it.  As most people on here will tell you, maintain NC and focus on yourself.  Understand that their behavior is not your fault.  Engage in things that make you happy. 
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"In order to take control of our lives and accomplish something of lasting value, sooner or later we need to Believe. We simply need to believe in the power that is within us, and use it." -Benjamin Hoff
lovethebeach
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« Reply #67 on: November 05, 2014, 11:16:10 AM »

He always apologized, this time it was completely different.

He twisted everything back onto me.

At this point, is it fair to say ... .that nothing I say or do will change his viewpoint on the situation? That he's completely gone?

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Raybo48
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« Reply #68 on: November 05, 2014, 11:22:53 AM »

He always apologized, this time it was completely different.

He twisted everything back onto me.

At this point, is it fair to say ... .that nothing I say or do will change his viewpoint on the situation? That he's completely gone?

In my own experience with my ex I found that trying to reason with her or change her viewpoint on anything when she was deregulating was a fruitless effort.  It's like you saying the sky is blue and they look and say no it's not it's red.   It becomes a very draining, unfulfilling situation where you very likely will not come out on top.   Often times when my ex was in one of her rages she would 'kitchen sink me".  I like that term and it means she would throw everything she could at me (except for the old kitchen sink)  from the past and present that happened so I would just end up defending myself.  

Do you really want to do that to yourself?  I suggest trying to heal and think about you right now, not him.   The odds are that he is not thinking about you if he has a supply (temporary) that is keeping him busy.
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #69 on: November 05, 2014, 12:02:14 PM »

It's not as if I want the relationship back, even though I do miss him.

I think I just want some kind of acknowledgement that it mattered... .that all of our time and memories together mean something.

To feel that he doesn't hate me and can at least appreciate the time we spent together. I don't want to feel as if someone who I love and care deeply about, hates me.

It just sucks.
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« Reply #70 on: November 05, 2014, 12:06:51 PM »

It's not as if I want the relationship back, even though I do miss him.

I think I just want some kind of acknowledgement that it mattered... .that all of our time and memories together mean something.

To feel that he doesn't hate me and can at least appreciate the time we spent together. I don't want to feel as if someone who I love and care deeply about, hates me.

It just sucks.

It does suck... truly does. But it is what it is, and embrace the pain and move on. You will have 5 steps forward, 6 steps back, but you will get stronger. I live by the stages of detachment and flow back and forth as I get clarity on things. And you were/are blinded. Now that Im removed from the host parasite, things pop into my head that I had repressed and I end up shaking my head, thankful to not be around that crap any longer. You will get there too... .
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Raybo48
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« Reply #71 on: November 05, 2014, 12:10:01 PM »

It's not as if I want the relationship back, even though I do miss him.

I think I just want some kind of acknowledgement that it mattered... .that all of our time and memories together mean something.

To feel that he doesn't hate me and can at least appreciate the time we spent together. I don't want to feel as if someone who I love and care deeply about, hates me.

It just sucks.

Many members will tell you that you likely won't get closure, which I think is what you are driving at here.  I know I won't get it from my ex and I'm starting to accept that.  

No one wants to be hated either, especially someone you loved and the mere thought of it is very upsetting.  As was explained to you so eloquently by caredverymuch they think differently than we do because of their disorder.  I think the BPD 'hate' is different than our 'hate' because it's driven differently on an emotional dysfunctional level.  Also, remember their emotions are not sustainable.  He may hate you now and could pick up the phone down the road and act like nothing ever happened.  It's happened to many of us including myself and it becomes even more confusing.  
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #72 on: November 05, 2014, 12:18:47 PM »

Do you think they miss us or care?

He must remember. He doesn't have amnesia?

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Raybo48
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« Reply #73 on: November 05, 2014, 12:25:12 PM »

Do you think they miss us or care?

He must remember. He doesn't have amnesia?

Every time my BPDx contacted me her first words were usually "I missed you" or something along those lines with an I love you thrown in or I think about you every day... You get the picture.    Was it true? Who's to say... I can tell you that after those words were spoken it would hook me back in and it wouldn't take anytime at all for her to be the same exact person she was right before she disappeared.  Vindictive, accusations, the victim, lying, still talking to other guys behind my back at the very least, etc, etc.    

He remembers, but it's his version of things.  
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sirensong65
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« Reply #74 on: November 05, 2014, 12:29:59 PM »

I have been on and off these boards since my own crash and burn in the summer of last year.  It has taken me a full year of time, therapy and mourning to FINALLY wake the hell up and move forward.

What I want to say to you is this.  It doesn't matter if it meant anything to him.  If he is mad at you, painted you black, painted you purple.  What matters is that you realize what has happened.  Take it at face value, don't color it with a pretty brush, etc.

REALITY:  Their feelings and thoughts are fleeting.  You meant something to him at the time, that time is past.  You served a purpose.  Now someone else is serving the need.  I know this is painful to accept.  It was for me too.  I was suicidal over my ex and if you knew me you would have been stunned at how low I got. So I know all too well where you are.

But understand that it IS the way it IS.  Mine called off a wedding two days prior.  In the end, he said to me after one recycle (or what I thought was a recycle) "thanks for the sex and good company... "  WTH?  I answered, "what in hell are you saying, you said you missed me, love me... ".  His response was, "look sometimes things don't work out.  I miss you sometimes, but I should have told you before that I just don't FEEL deeply for people, I can't get attached.  Nothing personal, it just never works out for me.  I like the dating sites and the attention.  I get winks and women chat me up and tell me I'm good looking and it's a rush... "

This from the man that RUSHED a relationship with me.  That said on date three that if I wasn't willing to entertain marriage, he couldn't see me anymore.  That his life had been so much drama and he had been taken advantage of so many times and he only wants a partner and a stable life!  I gave him that and much more and come to find out he was cheating on some level from the time I met him. Hell, I was the replacement and didn't know it!  He was on a dating site claiming to be single when he was sleeping with and dating another gal he promptly dumped as soon  as he got me firmly hooked.  He slept with her until the third week of seeing me. And how did he end it with her?  He told her he wasn't financially stable enough to be with her.  She was TOO GOOD for him to be with.  He wanted to step away and get his house in order and he would circle back around.  Really?

Look, they are all basically the same. Its like they get issued a damn playbook or something at birth.

Right now my focus (and yours should be as well, by the way) is to work on me.  I am not dating or looking in any way shape or form.  Once I figured this all out and took a glance over my shoulder I realized this wasn't my first rodeo with this type of guy. And my childhood issues had left a scent on me the PD types can smell 100 miles away.

Get a therapist.  best advice I could give.  Allow yourself to mourn.  lean on friends that won't judge and will allow you to vent and/or grieve on YOUR timeline as these relationships are unlike anything else and the grieving period is longer.

READ, READ, READ.  Renew interest in old hobbies or create new ones.  Reinvent yourself.  Use this to grow YOU better, not leave you broken and bitter.

And most importantly, understand you can't fix him and it take a miracle to fix these people if at all.  Ask any therapist worth their salt about recovery rates for BPD individuals and they will tell you they would rather walk in traffic than have them as patients.  They lie and manipulate the way we take a breath.  It just comes naturally.

I wish you luck.  The road ahead is rocky.  But trust me, if I can walk back into the light, so can you.  Love yourself more than you loved him.  Put you FIRST>
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sirensong65
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« Reply #75 on: November 05, 2014, 12:38:06 PM »

Ilovethebeach, please realize you are NOT dealing with a person centered in reality. 

They thrive and get high on the honeymoon phase, when things are fresh and new.  You don't see the crazy they have tucked in, it is all roses and rainbows and the passion is at it's peak.  Once we settle in for the long haul and things settle down period, that is about the time their masks falls off. NOW we see what we really bought and they HATE IT.  We don't think sunshine comes out their ass anymore, things get into a routine and lo and behold we love them in spite of what we see.  What?  Now they really get turned off.  What the quote from Groucho Marxs, "I would never be in a club that would have me as a member?"  They are repulsed that we would still want them seeing what we see and they know that isn't all THE WORST IS STILL BURIED.  So, they bolt for the new supply. Someone who will walk blindly into the sunshine blazing out their ass... .
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #76 on: November 05, 2014, 12:42:39 PM »

Raybo,

I feel so helpless... .like there is nothing I can do. It bothers me knowing he's seeing someone else... .even though its not on social media. I don't think he wants his family to know, since they adored me and it's only been two weeks. But, he must be because he never went more than an hour or two without texting and its been 14 days.

I can't believe everything is my fault... .in his head. It's mind boggling because all I want to do is call/text and scream, although I know that won't get me anywhere.

SirenSong:

Wow. I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering. Everything you say rings so true. The beginning was amazing. Everything was amazing until I graduated college, and moved home ... .so we became 3 hours away from one another. Even though we saw each other virtually every weekend, it wasn't enough. He was apparently messaging other women on Craigslist for "fantasy."

He said it made him feel like a POS for doing it, but he never knew why he did it and he couldnt give me an explanation. Still I decided after much crying and pleading on his part ... .that I would stay and try to work on things. Then just two weeks later, he bolted once I caught him in another lie.

Did you ex ever contact you again? Did you ever contact him?

Ethan was the most persistent man I have ever met in order to date me. Romantic and sensitive. Our relationship survived more than most, in just the two years we were together.

He's still on mind mind every minute. I keep replaying the things he said and our memories together.

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Deeno02
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« Reply #77 on: November 05, 2014, 12:43:58 PM »

Do you think they miss us or care?

He must remember. He doesn't have amnesia?

I dont know... .yet. Shes with the new guy enjoying the new supply of idealization, and being rescued by him from me, so I doubt she's giving me a second thought right now. Whatever... .
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Raybo48
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« Reply #78 on: November 05, 2014, 12:50:02 PM »

I have been on and off these boards since my own crash and burn in the summer of last year.  It has taken me a full year of time, therapy and mourning to FINALLY wake the hell up and move forward.

What I want to say to you is this.  It doesn't matter if it meant anything to him.  If he is mad at you, painted you black, painted you purple.  What matters is that you realize what has happened.  Take it at face value, don't color it with a pretty brush, etc.

REALITY:  Their feelings and thoughts are fleeting.  You meant something to him at the time, that time is past.  You served a purpose.  Now someone else is serving the need.  I know this is painful to accept.  It was for me too.  I was suicidal over my ex and if you knew me you would have been stunned at how low I got. So I know all too well where you are.

But understand that it IS the way it IS.  Mine called off a wedding two days prior.  In the end, he said to me after one recycle (or what I thought was a recycle) "thanks for the sex and good company... "  WTH?  I answered, "what in hell are you saying, you said you missed me, love me... ".  His response was, "look sometimes things don't work out.  I miss you sometimes, but I should have told you before that I just don't FEEL deeply for people, I can't get attached.  Nothing personal, it just never works out for me.  I like the dating sites and the attention.  I get winks and women chat me up and tell me I'm good looking and it's a rush... "

This from the man that RUSHED a relationship with me.  That said on date three that if I wasn't willing to entertain marriage, he couldn't see me anymore.  That his life had been so much drama and he had been taken advantage of so many times and he only wants a partner and a stable life!  I gave him that and much more and come to find out he was cheating on some level from the time I met him. Hell, I was the replacement and didn't know it!  He was on a dating site claiming to be single when he was sleeping with and dating another gal he promptly dumped as soon  as he got me firmly hooked.  He slept with her until the third week of seeing me. And how did he end it with her?  He told her he wasn't financially stable enough to be with her.  She was TOO GOOD for him to be with.  He wanted to step away and get his house in order and he would circle back around.  Really?

Look, they are all basically the same. Its like they get issued a damn playbook or something at birth.

Right now my focus (and yours should be as well, by the way) is to work on me.  I am not dating or looking in any way shape or form.  Once I figured this all out and took a glance over my shoulder I realized this wasn't my first rodeo with this type of guy. And my childhood issues had left a scent on me the PD types can smell 100 miles away.

Get a therapist.  best advice I could give.  Allow yourself to mourn.  lean on friends that won't judge and will allow you to vent and/or grieve on YOUR timeline as these relationships are unlike anything else and the grieving period is longer.

READ, READ, READ.  Renew interest in old hobbies or create new ones.  Reinvent yourself.  Use this to grow YOU better, not leave you broken and bitter.

And most importantly, understand you can't fix him and it take a miracle to fix these people if at all.  Ask any therapist worth their salt about recovery rates for BPD individuals and they will tell you they would rather walk in traffic than have them as patients.  They lie and manipulate the way we take a breath.  It just comes naturally.

I wish you luck.  The road ahead is rocky.  But trust me, if I can walk back into the light, so can you.  Love yourself more than you loved him.  Put you FIRST>

Well, if this doesn't get me motivated to heal and move on nothing else will.  Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!   
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #79 on: November 05, 2014, 01:04:52 PM »

I appreciate all the input! It helps to not feel so alone during this painful process... .

I think it's safe to say that the general consensus is to do nothing and get on with my life?

I guess there is nothing I can do, to make him see or feel or understand my pain and the last thing I want to do is push him further away. I'll have to deal with "being painted black" and hope that those feelings are fleeting, so I can be at least a distant, good, memory.

At day 14, I think I've finally stopped waiting for him to text/call me. Everytime my phone buzzes, I know it's not and won't be him.

He's a coward.
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« Reply #80 on: November 05, 2014, 01:10:58 PM »

Yes, he did contact me.  I had blocked him everywhere but LinkedIn and he saw I got a promotion and sent me a message saying, "congratulations... "  This was 9 months after the initial crash and burn.

I did engage, and almost met him.  He said he was "dating someone", and I knew she was the front person but he always has "admirers".  He asked me to just come to his home.  I said, "no way... ."  I knew I would risk being overcome by possible emotion that he so seamlessly plays upon.  When I decided against THAT offer and asked that we meet for coffee, he blew me off.  Why you ask?  Because I wasn't playing the game.

I know if I text him right now and said I wanted to see him, he would gladly have sex with me because it is a rush to him that someone ANYONE wants him.  It's all about HIM and how he NEEDS to be desired.  Sadly, he has performance issues (and we all know that this is to be true with male BPD's when true intimacy is involved.)

So, do I engage with him anymore? No.  I know that no amount of sacrificial virgins you throw into that empty, black soul of his will not soothe the BPD Gods.  He is destined to do this forever.  I contacted the last three girlfriends before me after we split for closure.  It was brutal but healing for all of us to hear that he did the exact same thing to all of us.  Right down to what he says in bed, the facial expressions, the lies... .all of it.  A well crafted, time tested game of lies he is LIVING.  This IS his reality.  He will die and old man alone, or with someone who just allows him to spoon feed them his garbage and this too will make him disgusted and depressed... .good, I hope it does.  I'm not bitter really, but he has enough where with all to know he does what he does.  He has had moments of total transparency where he has said the most disturbing and cruel facts in a matter of fact manner.  Like a serial killer,it is just what they do. Except instead of physical murder, they just murder the hearts and souls of kind people with no boundaries.  And they look at us as the problem.  Sure they level the boom, but we let them.  Therefore, they feel we had it coming.

I'm done being a victim... I'm focusing on the VICTORY.
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #81 on: November 05, 2014, 01:17:28 PM »

I appreciate all the input! It helps to not feel so alone during this painful process... .

I think it's safe to say that the general consensus is to do nothing and get on with my life?

I guess there is nothing I can do, to make him see or feel or understand my pain and the last thing I want to do is push him further away. I'll have to deal with "being painted black" and hope that those feelings are fleeting, so I can be at least a distant, good, memory.

At day 14, I think I've finally stopped waiting for him to text/call me. Everytime my phone buzzes, I know it's not and won't be him.

He's a coward.

I realize you are hurt and shocked.  I have been right where you are.  Just shocked and asking the very same questions.  Over and over.

Are you able to see that your giving him power over your happiness?  That your happiness depends on his happiness? On " fixing" him. 

What do you think you will gain from this r/s, with the shared experiences of so many members here recanting how things went with each recycle.

You asked me what you should do.  I will first ask you, what is it you want?  Not for him.  For you.

You must remember that we all want/wanted the idealization  back. That man/ woman.   This is when we nons began to feel love.  But that phase is not coming back.  For any of us.

So, in knowing how much work this type of r/s would be and what you would have to tolerate given the chance to recycle,  tell me what you want.
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« Reply #82 on: November 05, 2014, 01:18:26 PM »

I have been on and off these boards since my own crash and burn in the summer of last year.  It has taken me a full year of time, therapy and mourning to FINALLY wake the hell up and move forward.

What I want to say to you is this.  It doesn't matter if it meant anything to him.  If he is mad at you, painted you black, painted you purple.  What matters is that you realize what has happened.  Take it at face value, don't color it with a pretty brush, etc.

REALITY:  Their feelings and thoughts are fleeting.  You meant something to him at the time, that time is past.  You served a purpose.  Now someone else is serving the need.  I know this is painful to accept.  It was for me too.  I was suicidal over my ex and if you knew me you would have been stunned at how low I got. So I know all too well where you are.

But understand that it IS the way it IS.  Mine called off a wedding two days prior.  In the end, he said to me after one recycle (or what I thought was a recycle) "thanks for the sex and good company... "  WTH?  I answered, "what in hell are you saying, you said you missed me, love me... ".  His response was, "look sometimes things don't work out.  I miss you sometimes, but I should have told you before that I just don't FEEL deeply for people, I can't get attached.  Nothing personal, it just never works out for me.  I like the dating sites and the attention.  I get winks and women chat me up and tell me I'm good looking and it's a rush... "

This from the man that RUSHED a relationship with me.  That said on date three that if I wasn't willing to entertain marriage, he couldn't see me anymore.  That his life had been so much drama and he had been taken advantage of so many times and he only wants a partner and a stable life!  I gave him that and much more and come to find out he was cheating on some level from the time I met him. Hell, I was the replacement and didn't know it!  He was on a dating site claiming to be single when he was sleeping with and dating another gal he promptly dumped as soon  as he got me firmly hooked.  He slept with her until the third week of seeing me. And how did he end it with her?  He told her he wasn't financially stable enough to be with her.  She was TOO GOOD for him to be with.  He wanted to step away and get his house in order and he would circle back around.  Really?

Look, they are all basically the same. Its like they get issued a damn playbook or something at birth.

Right now my focus (and yours should be as well, by the way) is to work on me.  I am not dating or looking in any way shape or form.  Once I figured this all out and took a glance over my shoulder I realized this wasn't my first rodeo with this type of guy. And my childhood issues had left a scent on me the PD types can smell 100 miles away.

Get a therapist.  best advice I could give.  Allow yourself to mourn.  lean on friends that won't judge and will allow you to vent and/or grieve on YOUR timeline as these relationships are unlike anything else and the grieving period is longer.

READ, READ, READ.  Renew interest in old hobbies or create new ones.  Reinvent yourself.  Use this to grow YOU better, not leave you broken and bitter.

And most importantly, understand you can't fix him and it take a miracle to fix these people if at all.  Ask any therapist worth their salt about recovery rates for BPD individuals and they will tell you they would rather walk in traffic than have them as patients.  They lie and manipulate the way we take a breath.  It just comes naturally.

I wish you luck.  The road ahead is rocky.  But trust me, if I can walk back into the light, so can you.  Love yourself more than you loved him.  Put you FIRST>

This is the best thing I have read in a while... .Thanks Siren... .
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #83 on: November 05, 2014, 01:24:46 PM »

Siren:

That was so powerful and moving.

Was your ex every officially diagnosed?

Ethan never was, although he fits it to a T. I too believe that he will continue to repeat the cycle again and again.

It just hurts because we had all these plans and dreams together. I couldn't have asked for a better relationship and in a matter of a month, it all went to Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#$%.

I wish I was at your point, where I didn't want to initiate contact.  After all, we spoke 24/7 for two years down to zero contact. Like I said earlier, I tried and got no where and our last phone conversation he was viscious and mean. Splitting. Projection. Blaming. Lies.

I know somewhere deep inside that he does care, but I just don't think he can show it any longer after the shame and the guilt that he is repressing.

I hate that this is what it's all come down too. I feel like I didn't matter, and like it didn't matter.

Caredtoomuch:

I want to be happy again. It's hard to not allow him to effect my happiness after the way things ended... .so badly. It was like he was a different person on the phone... .someone who I didn't know.

I know regardless of any of my behavior, I deserve better than someone who could create a secret e-mail account, message women on Craigslist and continuously lie to me. I deserve to be in a relationship with mutual trust and he has destroyed that.

This would be SO MUCH easier to deal with if I felt as if he cared, even in the slightest.
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outside9x
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« Reply #84 on: November 05, 2014, 01:27:58 PM »

Hi lovethe beach,

I only read the 1st 4 or 5 texts back and they are excellent and true. and oh by the way caugh my exBPDgf red handed and very active on the dating site by acccident and they just deflect etc, like others say and start into you.  They can't take blame.  Can't deal with truth but want it from you but then they start projection there stuff on you, which is insane but hurtful .

Hang in there!  :)ump him, I know you are so much in love with him but he cannot love no matter what he says.  

Plus more importantly, that's not love.  Think is this what you imagine love to be like.  Was this your dream.  You are now addicted and tryign to prove to him you love him, because he is pushing back and now accusing you of this or that.  It's terrible, and you feel you need to show him he not lookign at it right.  He is, trust me, in his own distorted way.  It;s not healthy or loving trust me and trust you intuition.  You emotions right now, like mine at times, are just not seeing it correctly.  



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sirensong65
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« Reply #85 on: November 05, 2014, 01:41:00 PM »

No, not formally diagnosed with BPD but after we were done he was diagnosed SCREAMING Bi Polar (his words).  He also has ADD.  I have found in my reading on this subject the comorbidity rates with Bi Polar and ADD or ADHD are very high.  After I read on BPD I mentioned it to him and he even agreed he DOES fit the profile.

The dating sites, facebook, basically this new technology playground the internet has created is a field day for these people.  PLENTY of supply, a way to appear to be anyway they chose, and the ability to seek it out all from the comfort of their homes undetected.  He was and is a selfie KING.  As a matter of fact, when he got back in touch, the first damn thing he did was send me a selfie?  I was like, "what the hell is this?"  He responded, "oh just a goofy picture I took the other day (and you can bet has been circulating through his fan club... )".  He then said, "send me one."  To which I responded, why?  you know what I look like and I know what you look like... .what's the point?"  Again... .he went dead for a day or two... .wounded that I didn't give him the gratification his pathetic soul is searching for.

I don't think about who he is dating, other than to feel pity cause she has NO IDEA where she's headed.  I keep myself public on facebook just in case one of the cast offs is wise like I was and remembers the exes names (cause he spills ALL) and searches me up.  I want to be able to pay it forward cause without each other, none of the four of us exes would have come out of this the way we did.  Knowledge is power.  Knowing about BPD and that we were not at fault or bad partners was the first step in reclaiming ourselves.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #86 on: November 05, 2014, 01:56:24 PM »

No, not formally diagnosed with BPD but after we were done he was diagnosed SCREAMING Bi Polar (his words).  He also has ADD.  I have found in my reading on this subject the comorbidity rates with Bi Polar and ADD or ADHD are very high.  After I read on BPD I mentioned it to him and he even agreed he DOES fit the profile.

The dating sites, facebook, basically this new technology playground the internet has created is a field day for these people.  PLENTY of supply, a way to appear to be anyway they chose, and the ability to seek it out all from the comfort of their homes undetected. Welcome  He was and is a selfie KING.  As a matter of fact, when he got back in touch, the first damn thing he did was send me a selfie?  I was like, "what the hell is this?"  He responded, "oh just a goofy picture I took the other day (and you can bet has been circulating through his fan club... )".  He then said, "send me one."  To which I responded, why?  you know what I look like and I know what you look like... .what's the point?"  Again... .he went dead for a day or two... .wounded that I didn't give him the gratification his pathetic soul is searching for.

I don't think about who he is dating, other than to feel pity cause she has NO IDEA where she's headed.  I keep myself public on facebook just in case one of the cast offs is wise like I was and remembers the exes names (cause he spills ALL) and searches me up.  I want to be able to pay it forward cause without each other, none of the four of us exes would have come out of this the way we did.  Knowledge is power.  Knowing about BPD and that we were not at fault or bad partners was the first step in reclaiming ourselves.

This is exactly what my BPDx does ALL-DAY-LONG...  I knew when I met her something was off with the tremendous amount of guy friends on her Facebook... Then guess what happened after I questioned her about it?  She hid the ability for anyone to see her friends on there.  Facebook is a virtual match.com for these people and a perfect way to paint their FALSE SELF any way they want to.   They meet people on the dating sites and then their friends on FB increase ten fold because hey if you can't date all of them might as well have attention/supply from them right?  It makes me sick when I think about it.    She actually tried to get back with me three weeks ago and even told me she was on those sites and she still expected me to recue her and fly out to AZ from Chicago.  When I flipped my lid and told her sorry she painted me  black as the ace of spades and threatened a restraining order on me a week later!   I thought good I'm off her radar now so I can heal, but nope.  She got drunk (horrible alcoholic) and called me this past Sunday twice.  I didn't answer, but then she went off on her Facebook about me stalking her and posted my picture up there twice and had all her FB friends supporting her for having such a psycho exboyfriend!  Then she deleted the entire post a couple hours later.  
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #87 on: November 05, 2014, 02:25:30 PM »

God. I opened my old e-mail account which had backed up all of our messages from months ago.

Now, I'm crying my eyes out and just want to call him. I miss him so much it hurts.

All of the time in the military, and everyday of him telling me "he knows he needs help" "I've always been what he needed."

How did we get here? How did this happen?

2 Steps forward, 1 step back.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #88 on: November 05, 2014, 02:28:33 PM »

God. I opened my old e-mail account which had backed up all of our messages from months ago.

Now, I'm crying my eyes out and just want to call him. I miss him so much it hurts.

All of the time in the military, and everyday of him telling me "he knows he needs help" "I've always been what he needed."

How did we get here? How did this happen?

2 Steps forward, 1 step back.

Delete, block, delete... .rinse and repeat as necessary. Same thing happened to me. I read them, blew snot bubbles over them and deleted them. Mission accomplished. It hurt, not gonna lie, but it had to be done.
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #89 on: November 05, 2014, 02:31:22 PM »

How is it that the same person who said all of those things to me? Needed to be in constant contact with me. Couldn't live without me... .

Is now the same person who is perfectly fine without me?

Who is as cold as stone and doesnt seem to care.
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