Alienated from humanity

[Mercury2Pluto]

This is my first post.  I was divorced from uBPDw earlier this year, no children, very limited polite contact.  The current focus is on recovery.  If that is even possible. 

Without skills to cope with the rage, marriage was the worst experience of my life.  My reaction was to freeze, live in constant fear, become deeply enmeshed, and absorb the rage poured in my direction.  Suicide seemed like the only way out; a thought that frequently entered my mind as those lost years passed in a haze of depression. 

The experience was quite the wake up call regarding my lack of emotional and relationship skills.  I feel great shame about reacting to that frightening situation with hopelessness and helplessness for several years before building up the courage to leave.

The concept of marriage is now such an overwhelmingly negative association that I experienced shock at work recently when coworkers mentioned plans for the weekend with their spouses.  It sounded like they actually enjoyed spending time with their spouses.   This thought was a stab of pain because I cannot relate.  I am no longer human.  I am so different from them, I am an alien. 

It is difficult to imagine being able to relate to humanity again.  Maybe someday.  Maybe not.

[Faith1520]

Welcome, Mercury. I'm so sorry for what you've been through and continue to go through in the healing process.

You are not alone! If you are an alien, then the rest of us here are right along with you. I hope being here will be helpful to you. It has been for me.

Have you seen a therapist? That's been something that has also helped me in dealing with all of this.

[Infern0]

Don't worry you aren't an alien. All of us on here are in the same boat and plenty more arrive each day confused and messed up.

Therapy is a great option, it clears your head and gives you some great insight into yourself and the changes you can make to be sure that this doesn't happen again and that you can have healthy relationship in the future.

[Mercury2Pluto]

Thank you.  I was in therapy during the marriage but not currently.  I moved after the divorce and would like to find a new one.