I am afraid of my BPDw

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I wish to admit to you that I am afraid of my BPDw and even her D18. She has not been physically abusive, at least not yet; however, she definitely has been verbally and emotionally abusive. The very few times that I have retorted due to her being so absurd, she definitely makes me remember literally for years. Just one example of her being so absurd was when I was at a stoplight and she was not in the car. A car hit me from the rear, and she proclaimed that I caused the accident due to my negative attitude. After all was said and done, both insurance companies saw that the other driver was in the wrong. I had physical therapy for a whiplash, and I was paid for the therapy and the pain and suffering. Of course, my BPDw didn't mind the money, but never once asked about how I felt. Sorry for the digression, but all of you can relate.

At any rate, I am most of the time afraid of my BPDw. I have a major medical concern of either a blockage in my neck or possibly even cancer. I am getting medical attention. It scares the living daylights out of me. I had mentioned about the initial pain and that I was going to the doctor, much to the chagrin of my BPDw. Subsequent tests and appointments I have not shared with her due to complete belief in acupuncture and the put down of western medicine. BTW, I have had 3 acupuncture appointments as well, but they haven't helped at all.

So, how do you folks cope with your BPDs' behavior? How many of you are afraid? If you have gotten over your fear of them, what helped you to do so? Sure, I've read "Walking on Eggshells" and have gotten therapy, but my BPDw can be a complete bully. Bottom line, I don't know how to cope with my fear of her.

[Samuel S.]

I wish to admit to you that I am afraid of my BPDw and even her D18. She has not been physically abusive, at least not yet; however, she definitely has been verbally and emotionally abusive. The very few times that I have retorted due to her being so absurd, she definitely makes me remember literally for years. Just one example of her being so absurd was when I was at a stoplight and she was not in the car. A car hit me from the rear, and she proclaimed that I caused the accident due to my negative attitude. After all was said and done, both insurance companies saw that the other driver was in the wrong. I had physical therapy for a whiplash, and I was paid for the therapy and the pain and suffering. Of course, my BPDw didn't mind the money, but never once asked about how I felt. Sorry for the digression, but all of you can relate.

At any rate, I am most of the time afraid of my BPDw. I have a major medical concern of either a blockage in my neck or possibly even cancer. I am getting medical attention. It scares the living daylights out of me. I had mentioned about the initial pain and that I was going to the doctor, much to the chagrin of my BPDw. Subsequent tests and appointments I have not shared with her due to complete belief in acupuncture and the put down of western medicine. BTW, I have had 3 acupuncture appointments as well, but they haven't helped at all.

So, how do you folks cope with your BPDs' behavior? How many of you are afraid? If you have gotten over your fear of them, what helped you to do so? Sure, I've read "Walking on Eggshells" and have gotten therapy, but my BPDw can be a complete bully. Bottom line, I don't know how to cope with my fear of her.

[Samuel S.]

What I don't understand is how my love for my BPDw and how I have always been flexible for her due to validating and being compassionate for her turned into fearing her, at least most of the time. Maybe, the strong-willed person who she is underneath that artificial exterior saw this as a weakness instead of love. Who knows?

At any rate, I shared with her last night an update of the tests that have been normal so far and that I have more doctor appointments and tests to deal with. In typical form, she retorted not with validation or with compassion, but as the sterile medical professional: "Well, your medical conditions were much more severe before I met you. I have helped you become better. You would be much worse, if I wouldn't have helped you. You had your benign tumor removed the same month that my oldest daughter passed away. You probably might have surgery again, or you might be given more medications, etc." I said I am getting the tests and the doctor appointments done.

So, while what she said was true and I thanked her for her help, her monologue didn't release any of my physical pain. I kissed her good night and went to bed while she continued her studies. It was like I was one of her customers. She gives advice, and she goes on to the next customer. Very sterile!

[EaglesJuju]

It really stinks  to not be validated while going through medical issues.    My bf seemed indifferent and cold when I was going through extensive medical testing. Similar to you, I updated him with all the tests and results and got the same responses.  Once I finally was diagnosed, I asked him why he acted like that.  He told me that he did not know how to respond.  Also, he thought that showing no emotion would help me more because, he did not want to get me more upset. Regardless of his irrationality, it is incredibly frustrating and invalidating.

[Samuel S.]

EaglesJuju, thank you for your validation of what I am going through.

How are you doing now? What is the status of your medical issues? Are you getting emotional support?

A major part of why my BPDw is so sterile about my medical issues is due to the loss of her D 71/2 just about 16 years ago due to a mosquito bite. She would never admit it to me that this is the case, but this is a major reason for her irrationality. While my BPDw is doing better professionally, it probably scares her as to what I am going through. So, she invalidates. Like you say, it is incredibly frustrating and invalidating.

[Waddams]

I noticed with my uPDxw and uBPDxgf that if I expressed a lot of empathy for physical maladies, they sank further into depression.  It was kind of a misery loves company interaction.  So I started expressing empathy but also encouraging them to get up and keep chugging, trying to provide reassurance they would get better.  Which was received as not caring about them. 

All they really wanted was the "poor little you" attention and to be fawned over like a barfing 4 year old.  If they didn't get it, boy did they get mad.  Unless some other person was around that they were interested in.  Then they'd perk up like an angel had healed them miraculously.  And then be right back to pathetically sick when it was just me and them again.

And if I were ever sick or dealing with an injury, heaven help me if I said one word or made a allowance for it.  Then I was just trying to get out of caring for them, or it wasn't as bad as I mad out, stop being such a wimp, etc.  In other words if it interfered in my attention towards them, I was faking on purpose because I didn't really love them and was planning on leaving them.  Or a number of other more outrageous accusations.

It's enough to make you keep it all to yourself because you know you won't get any support, and the rejection when you do reach out makes it worse.

[EaglesJuju]

Samuel, Thank you  I have good days and bad days with my illness.  He can be supportive for the most part. When I bring up the severity of it or certain medications, he becomes distant.  Like your wife, he had a traumatic experience with medical issues.

Waddams, I agree with you.  When he is sick or having "intense emotions," he expects to be catered to completely. If I do not do that, I become selfish and not understanding.   

It is really frustrating in general.

[Samuel S.]

Today is a special day without my BPDw! I get to see both of my daughters and their families together for the first time in eleven years. I have seen them separately, but not all together like this for eleven years. I am so excited to see all of them and to have a full day with them. I have to travel a couple of hours away, but it will be worth it.

Even though I tremendously looking forward to this day, I have had to tone down my excitement due to my BPDw. When I mentioned that I am visiting with them, she said: "Well, you know where I will be." She will be at work. No validation. No saying: "I am happy for you". Well, you get the picture. From what you folks have been saying about illness, it is the same about happiness. If it is not about them, they are the permanent Scrooges of the world. If they are not getting all the attention or if they are not happy, we nonBPDs are non-existent, because they want all the attention.

No matter what, this wonderful day proceeds for my family and me, and my BPDw's Scrooge attitude can lurk within her and not me!

[Samuel S.]

Indeed, yesterday was a special, divine, heartwarming family reunion without my BPDw! Family members from Australia, from Idaho, and from the state where I live all got together for the first time in eleven years, eleven long years! I stayed with them for eleven hours before making the trek back where I am living.

In perfect BPDw fashion, she asked how my day was, and I said I had a great time. It was late. So, I asked her today, if she would see some photos. She said yes, but she wanted me to hurry it on, even though she asked me to look at a YouTube video for about fifteen minutes. During this inspirational video, the priest talked about living one's life to the fullest. At that point, she asked me if I have given up probably. I am seventy years YOUNG with LOADS of ideas and enthusiasm and still making a difference with many people, including writing and publishing books and giving workshops. I responded with a simple "no", but I was fuming inside. If I were to ask her such a stupid question, I would deserve to be slapped. She just did not say anything. No matter what her intention was and no matter how she reacted, this was verbal abuse, implying that I should roll over and die.

Granted, I have some health issues that I am facing which, by the way, she says I should only take care of with acupuncture; however, because I am alive, I am concerned and worried, but I am getting checked out and hope to have answers this week.

I just never would have expected her to say something like this. If she said something like this during our courtship, adiós!

Later, I shared the photos. I also mentioned that my older daughter and her two sons would like to come here to see her. She said she was touched. Yet, due to our past history with my younger daughter and her then fiancee and due to the fact that my older daughter has two sons, my BPDw has conflicting emotions. She is touched by my older daughter's request to come here, but to quote my BPDw, she is "triggered".

I validated her conflicting emotions, and I suggested that since it is bringing up conflicting emotions, it sounds like she doesn't want them to come, which is perfectly fine with me. I can see my side of the family by me driving to them. Then, my BPDw said that she needs time to figure out her own emotions and will give me an answers later. After saying that is fine, she still kept saying the same things over and over again.

Then, she told me how her D18 has decided on one particular roommate for next year, because the two of them have one thing in common. Her father and my BPDw got a divorce. The future roommate's father passed away, and her mother remarried. Thus, she now has a step-father. So, the two of them have something in common. Why this was important for my BPDw to share with me is troublesome, even if it is true. BTW, I have loved her D18 ever since she was four. She had a hard time with her father for a long time, but they get along fine now, and she gets along with me fine.

Considering my BPDw's verbal abuse and considering the subsequent conversation, she had to go out of town for the afternoon. I took in a movie just to escape from this hell hole.

When she got back and when I returned, I haven't looked at her. I just asked about her afternoon, and she asked me about my movie. I answered, but I haven't looked at her. Now, she is at the gym working out which is good. Then, for the next three days, she is busy with her studies out of town which is perfectly fine with me.

After all is said and done, I need to move on and out! Financially, though, I am trapped, at least for now!

What will not be lost is the love and the experience my side of the family experienced yesterday, although it truly has been blemished by my BPDw! I frankly believe amongst all the emotions she is feeling, she is jealous that I have two daughters, both married, and both having two children.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Samuel S., I can definitely relate to your fears and am sorry to learn what you are going through with your BPDw.  Fear, of course, is part of F-O-G, which is what those w/BPD use to manipulate and control us Nons.  Unfortunately we Nons seem particularly susceptible to the effects of FOG, due to our caring nature.  Ordinarily, this is an admirable quality but works to our disadvantage in a BPD r/s, in my view.  I suspect that, on some level, you already realize that a r/s based on fear is unhealthy for you.  The question is what you are going to do about it?  I realize there is no easy answer.  Hang in there, LuckyJim