Recycles vs No recycles

[fred6]

I was reading Algae's thread and it got me thinking. I borrowed a couple quotes from that thread as to not derail his thread.

Me and my ex were together for 3 years. We never officially broke up or recycled. But at times when we had issues and she raged and shut down, it felt like we were broken up for 3-4 days but still living in the same home. There was still the push/pull dynamic. But as far as I'm concerned, we never broke up or recycled in the traditional sense. I'm not sure how she viewed it.

I think the thing that bothers me is that most people on this site had the more traditional split and recycle that's talked about here. I still don't know what the problem was in her mind. She never addressed or conveyed to me anything that was on the level of ending the relationship. Even after she cheated, lied, and broke up with me she couldn't give me any "real" reasons why all this happened.

As far as I know, she hasn't recycled anyone in probably the past 10 years. However, from what I'm told, she did recycle multiple times in 2 r/s where her partners were physically abusive to her a long time ago. In my situation I kind of feel like I never had a chance to work on whatever the problem actually was, even though it probably wouldn't have worked out. But the 2 guys that were abusive to her got many chances. Did she learn not to recycle or have hope because of those 2 abusive relationships? I feel such a sense of unresolved business between us, like I had no chance. But did any of us really have a chance? The overwhelming consensus that I've come across is NO.

I knew this day would come AGAIN.  But I know she'll hurt me again.

I rarely say "no hope" - but 7 outbound relationships is up there with domestic violence.  She is going to keep trying until she finally hits on one that sticks.

Many people here kind of "know" that their ex will be back to recycled. I kind of "know" that my ex won't be back to recycle. But like skip said, "he rarely says no hope". After we split but while I was still living with her, she was treating me so coldly and harshly. I told her that I knew that the r/s was over and that I was leaving, but that she didn't have to treat me so badly and keep twisting the knife. Her reply was something like, "I don't want to give you any hope, this is who I am". I told her that I didn't want her hope or pity, that I just wanted to feel like she gave a $hit about me. She just walked away.

I know that it's out of my hands now and it's over, and at this point I'm definitely not looking to recycle and go through this again. But when in a relationship with a pwBPD, is it a good thing to attempt to recycle once or twice if you have the opportunity? Is there ever hope or is it just best to walk away and be done with it. Given that most recycles don't work out, is there even a reason to recycle? Hope vs statistics... .

[guy4caligirl]

I think no one knows how they flip and maybe want to recycle , but what their action shows and their harsh words gets into your heart like a sharp knife .God only knows what is in their mind no one else but themselves .

I started a thread today about my ex and I are working together from a distance she refuse to talk about any relationship , I agreed and now I am learning the steps to deal with her issues and accept it's not her she doesn't know any better , I agree but why are we still here , regular RS brakes and it hurts too , I think time is the essences

[Pingo]

Hi Fred, I don't know if my situation applies b/c I asked him to leave.  I had asked him to leave a yr prior to our split but we both decided to keep trying to work on things and we ended up in another honeymoon phase which led to us eloping. :'( Then about 9 mths later, we split.  We were NC once he realised I wasn't bluffing and he went about moving out and actually left the province.  He texted me while he was leaving about something and then I texted back and next thing we were texting/talking and next thing he had talked his way back into my home.  I wasn't ready for it but I didn't stop it either.  Nothing was ever right after that, the trust issues we had before the split were amplified as well as all the control/possessiveness, lying etc.  Two mths later I asked him to leave again after a days long ST followed by a rage and him trying to physically toss me out of the bed and blocking my exit.  It scared the crap out of me.  I truly believe he will not contact me again.  It's like a switch went off when he realised I wasn't going to recycle again.  Funny enough he had someone else lined up immediately so my suspicion is he was already looking before the second split.  I so wish I could go back a yr and a half ago and just have let him go and not married him.  In Canada, we cannot even apply for divorce until after 1 yr separated so I still have 7+ mths to go! :'(

[Waifed]

Fred

I never recycled in the traditional sense either during my 3 year relationship.  We would argue (a lot) and not talk for a day or two but never formally broke it off until i finally left.  We did hook up a couple of times after we broke it off but it was just for a night, no recycle.  I didn't want to recycle because she cheated on me, and I also found out she was talking to other guys and had gone out with one behind my back.  It was what I needed to finally pull the plug on the relationship and get my life back.

I think every situation is different so you can't say a recycle won't work out.  If the person has strong BPD traits then the odds are not in your favor and you are likely prolonging the inevitable. 

[Mutt]

In Canada, we cannot even apply for divorce until after 1 yr separated so I still have 7+ mths to go! cry :'(

You can start the divorce proceedings at any time. You cannot get a divorce decree before 12 months yes.

Given that most recycles don't work out, is there even a reason to recycle?

I look at my boundaries and values. My ex crossed a line. We were married with children and she was having an emotional and physical affair for roughly a year. She was also devaluing dad in front of the kids. I don't want to set an example to my kids that it's OK for dad to be devalued and mom left with her boyfriend and dad takes her back.

[Caredverymuch]

I was reading Algae's thread and it got me thinking. I borrowed a couple quotes from that thread as to not derail his thread.

Me and my ex were together for 3 years. We never officially broke up or recycled. But at times when we had issues and she raged and shut down, it felt like we were broken up for 3-4 days but still living in the same home. There was still the push/pull dynamic. But as far as I'm concerned, we never broke up or recycled in the traditional sense. I'm not sure how she viewed it.

I think the thing that bothers me is that most people on this site had the more traditional split and recycle that's talked about here. I still don't know what the problem was in her mind. She never addressed or conveyed to me anything that was on the level of ending the relationship. Even after she cheated, lied, and broke up with me she couldn't give me any "real" reasons why all this happened.

As far as I know, she hasn't recycled anyone in probably the past 10 years. However, from what I'm told, she did recycle multiple times in 2 r/s where her partners were physically abusive to her a long time ago. In my situation I kind of feel like I never had a chance to work on whatever the problem actually was, even though it probably wouldn't have worked out. But the 2 guys that were abusive to her got many chances. Did she learn not to recycle or have hope because of those 2 abusive relationships? I feel such a sense of unresolved business between us, like I had no chance. But did any of us really have a chance? The overwhelming consensus that I've come across is NO.

I knew this day would come AGAIN.  But I know she'll hurt me again.

I rarely say "no hope" - but 7 outbound relationships is up there with domestic violence.  She is going to keep trying until she finally hits on one that sticks.

Many people here kind of "know" that their ex will be back to recycled. I kind of "know" that my ex won't be back to recycle. But like skip said, "he rarely says no hope". After we split but while I was still living with her, she was treating me so coldly and harshly. I told her that I knew that the r/s was over and that I was leaving, but that she didn't have to treat me so badly and keep twisting the knife. Her reply was something like, "I don't want to give you any hope, this is who I am". I told her that I didn't want her hope or pity, that I just wanted to feel like she gave a $hit about me. She just walked away.

I know that it's out of my hands now and it's over, and at this point I'm definitely not looking to recycle and go through this again. But when in a relationship with a pwBPD, is it a good thing to attempt to recycle once or twice if you have the opportunity? Is there ever hope or is it just best to walk away and be done with it. Given that most recycles don't work out, is there even a reason to recycle? Hope vs statistics... .

Fred, I think the reason many of us accepted a recycle was in attempt for answers.  When a r /s is as intense as a BPD r/s is, there is a great deal of emotional activity, good and bad. And confusion.  Peppered with hurt.  And for many, absolutely no closure.  Just radio silent absence.  And we of course hold onto hope during this time.

I think Skip made a really good point on another thread recently.  If you are going to go back and re engage, something has to be done differently. 

I really wanted/ needed closure. Im fairly logical that way.  I did recycle seeking that several times.  It just was not a possibility.  And of course I missed him.  Its human to miss someone you were in a loving r/s w who just disappears for no reason understandable.

I can tell you that every time I recycled which were only  for these reasons, I immediately felt far worse hit with harsher devaluation and projections.

So much which we seek in the " whys" will never come from re engagement.

[SickofMe]

I had one reconciliation with my ex but it was really bc I reached out to him and he took me back, sorta reluctantly.  I'm not even really sure how it happened, but I do know I initiated the first contact.  It didn't last very long.  The breakup hadn't been all that dramatic--I initiated it while he was stonewalling... .after his refusal to engage with me for several days, except through the most cryptic texts, I finally texted back and said:  I don't want this, blah blah blah, wish you well, etc.

The second breakup was much more dramatic, with my losing my mind, yelling at him, trying to get him to listen to me, nothing graceful AT ALL.  This time he ignored me for several days and I gave up--quit trying to get him to talk to me.  And finally he sent me a FB msg telling me it was over.  This time, I said FINE.  I was angry.

Just recently there has been a little bit of contact.  I emailed him telling him my boss at work was going to email him about something professional (boss had asked me for his email) they had discussed previously, boss doesn't know we've split up, it was a "heads up."

Then I received a half-baked apology and what I have interpreted as an invitation to re-engage, but am not doing it.  Not because I don't want to, but because I think it's dangerous for me.  It's been difficult to resist, honestly, especially bc I feel like so much of what he's said/done has been horrible and I'd like to tell him so.

My (long-winded) point is:  sometimes, there is no recycle because you aren't the one approaching.  Not all people with BPD traits throw themselves willy-nilly at their targets.  Some are more reserved, cautious, prideful, whatever.  I don't know this for a fact, but I'd wager many of these "recycles" are initiated by the (hurt, bewildered, heartbroken) "non" and not the pwBPD.  It's probably some sort of dysfunctional dance when that happens.

I am NOT suggesting that you reach out!  Just suggesting that it's possible you haven't been recycled because you haven't offered yourself at the right time and place.  I think these folks are opportunistic, unaware, and willing to use you if the timing is right.

[fred6]

Fred, I think the reason many of us accepted a recycle was in attempt for answers.  When a r /s is as intense as a BPD r/s is, there is a great deal of emotional activity, good and bad. And confusion.  Peppered with hurt.  And for many, absolutely no closure.  Just radio silent absence.  And we of course hold onto hope during this time.

I think Skip made a really good point on another thread recently.  If you are going to go back and re engage, something has to be done differently. 

I really wanted/ needed closure. Im fairly logical that way.  I did recycle seeking that several times.  It just was not a possibility.  And of course I missed him.  Its human to miss someone you were in a loving r/s w who just disappears for no reason understandable.

I can tell you that every time I recycled which were only  for these reasons, I immediately felt far worse hit with harsher devaluation and projections.

So much which we seek in the " whys" will never come from re engagement.

Please don't take my post as judging people who recycle. When Skip said "I rarely say no hope", it got me thinking that we never even got a second chance to address our issues, it was just over. In a way I wish that I would have had the opportunity before it got to this point. It's out of my hands at this point anyhow, I doubt that I'll never hear from her again. I don't her back anyhow.

But you know, it's easy to say that and talk tough on the internet. But like I said in another thread a few minutes ago. "If my ex showed up at my house and started taking off her clothes, I would probably crumble like a stale cracker" ... .

[fred6]

My (long-winded) point is:  sometimes, there is no recycle because you aren't the one approaching.  Not all people with BPD traits throw themselves willy-nilly at their targets.  Some are more reserved, cautious, prideful, whatever.  I don't know this for a fact, but I'd wager many of these "recycles" are initiated by the (hurt, bewildered, heartbroken) "non" and not the pwBPD.  It's probably some sort of dysfunctional dance when that happens.

I am NOT suggesting that you reach out!  Just suggesting that it's possible you haven't been recycled because you haven't offered yourself at the right time and place.  I think these folks are opportunistic, unaware, and willing to use you if the timing is right.

That makes sense with my ex. She never initiated really anything. Even with sex, she never once initiated it in 3 years. I always had to ask her if she wanted to go here or there on vacation, or out to eat, or really anything. She has this reserved, prideful independence type of thing going on. I think with my ex, initiating things equaled weakness in her mind. Kind of strange. Don't worry, I won't be reaching out to her to recycle. 

[SickofMe]

I think with my ex, initiating things equaled weakness in her mind.

My ex (who is a 48 year old man, btw!) told me he had never once asked a woman out first.  Ironically, I asked him to a party to get to know him which was the first time I've ever initiated anything.  I say it's ironic bc I was trying for a different type, less alpha, sweeter, more gentle.  LOL!  He was all of those things and more.  

So I'm guessing there is a "type" that is fiercely independent and prideful.  

P.S.  Next time--if there is a next time--I'm not throwing out the baby with the bathwater.  :)uh!  Of course I want to be pursued, at least some of the time!  :)on't we all?

P.P.S.  By next time, I meant with someone different!

[Deeno02]

I was reading Algae's thread and it got me thinking. I borrowed a couple quotes from that thread as to not derail his thread.

Me and my ex were together for 3 years. We never officially broke up or recycled. But at times when we had issues and she raged and shut down, it felt like we were broken up for 3-4 days but still living in the same home. There was still the push/pull dynamic. But as far as I'm concerned, we never broke up or recycled in the traditional sense. I'm not sure how she viewed it.

I think the thing that bothers me is that most people on this site had the more traditional split and recycle that's talked about here. I still don't know what the problem was in her mind. She never addressed or conveyed to me anything that was on the level of ending the relationship. Even after she cheated, lied, and broke up with me she couldn't give me any "real" reasons why all this happened.

As far as I know, she hasn't recycled anyone in probably the past 10 years. However, from what I'm told, she did recycle multiple times in 2 r/s where her partners were physically abusive to her a long time ago. In my situation I kind of feel like I never had a chance to work on whatever the problem actually was, even though it probably wouldn't have worked out. But the 2 guys that were abusive to her got many chances. Did she learn not to recycle or have hope because of those 2 abusive relationships? I feel such a sense of unresolved business between us, like I had no chance. But did any of us really have a chance? The overwhelming consensus that I've come across is NO.

I knew this day would come AGAIN.  But I know she'll hurt me again.

I rarely say "no hope" - but 7 outbound relationships is up there with domestic violence.  She is going to keep trying until she finally hits on one that sticks.

Many people here kind of "know" that their ex will be back to recycled. I kind of "know" that my ex won't be back to recycle. But like skip said, "he rarely says no hope". After we split but while I was still living with her, she was treating me so coldly and harshly. I told her that I knew that the r/s was over and that I was leaving, but that she didn't have to treat me so badly and keep twisting the knife. Her reply was something like, "I don't want to give you any hope, this is who I am". I told her that I didn't want her hope or pity, that I just wanted to feel like she gave a $hit about me. She just walked away.

I know that it's out of my hands now and it's over, and at this point I'm definitely not looking to recycle and go through this again. But when in a relationship with a pwBPD, is it a good thing to attempt to recycle once or twice if you have the opportunity? Is there ever hope or is it just best to walk away and be done with it. Given that most recycles don't work out, is there even a reason to recycle? Hope vs statistics... .

Fred, I think the reason many of us accepted a recycle was in attempt for answers.  When a r /s is as intense as a BPD r/s is, there is a great deal of emotional activity, good and bad. And confusion.  Peppered with hurt.  And for many, absolutely no closure.  Just radio silent absence.  And we of course hold onto hope during this time.

I think Skip made a really good point on another thread recently.  If you are going to go back and re engage, something has to be done differently. 

I really wanted/ needed closure. Im fairly logical that way.  I did recycle seeking that several times.  It just was not a possibility.  And of course I missed him.  Its human to miss someone you were in a loving r/s w who just disappears for no reason understandable.

I can tell you that every time I recycled which were only  for these reasons, I immediately felt far worse hit with harsher devaluation and projections.

So much which we seek in the " whys" will never come from re engagement.

I will never recycle. As much as I still love her, she said horrible things about my kids. I feel I would be setting a bad example taking this woman back. Abuse isnt ok... .at all.

[Infern0]

I'm currently in a situation where I am staring down the barrel of a recycle. In fact last night I only had to say the word and I could have had her.  And her attempts are picking up steam.

Look the thing is this isn't going to work,  I know that and sure I could fall off the wagon,  last night good god it was all I could do to not go there even though I dipped my toe in the emotional waters and it felt so good but as soon as I cleared my head I had to be realistic,  the same thing would just happen again.

I think it depends on the circumstances but for me resisting this strong recycle attempt is the best choice.

[Deeno02]

I'm currently in a situation where I am staring down the barrel of a recycle. In fact last night I only had to say the word and I could have had her.  And her attempts are picking up steam.

Look the thing is this isn't going to work,  I know that and sure I could fall off the wagon,  last night good god it was all I could do to not go there even though I dipped my toe in the emotional waters and it felt so good but as soon as I cleared my head I had to be realistic,  the same thing would just happen again.

I think it depends on the circumstances but for me resisting this strong recycle attempt is the best choice.

Nothing would give me more pleasure(I think?) then to get her back into bed one time and walk away when I'm done. Foolish fantasy and something I'm not built to do as I'm not an evil guy like that. But that would only lead to me falling off the wagon... .no damn way that's happening.

[Infern0]

I'm currently in a situation where I am staring down the barrel of a recycle. In fact last night I only had to say the word and I could have had her.  And her attempts are picking up steam.

Look the thing is this isn't going to work,  I know that and sure I could fall off the wagon,  last night good god it was all I could do to not go there even though I dipped my toe in the emotional waters and it felt so good but as soon as I cleared my head I had to be realistic,  the same thing would just happen again.

I think it depends on the circumstances but for me resisting this strong recycle attempt is the best choice.

Nothing would give me more pleasure(I think?) then to get her back into bed one time and walk away when I'm done. Foolish fantasy and something I'm not built to do as I'm not an evil guy like that. But that would only lead to me falling off the wagon... .no damn way that's happening.

I could have done that last night,  she came over because of some stuff that's gone down and ended up spending the night here (mental I know) she slept in my bed and I took the couch although she came out because she had a nightmare and fell asleep in my arms.

I could have done whatever I wanted to her last night but what would that make me?  Now I understand the disorder and why she is how she is? I just haven't got it in me. I gave her sanctuary,  looked after her and sent her home. At least I can say I did what was right and controlled myself.

If you did what you say you'd like to you would feel good for about 5 seconds and then it'd be a case of oh my god what have I done.

[Deeno02]

I'm currently in a situation where I am staring down the barrel of a recycle. In fact last night I only had to say the word and I could have had her.  And her attempts are picking up steam.

Look the thing is this isn't going to work,  I know that and sure I could fall off the wagon,  last night good god it was all I could do to not go there even though I dipped my toe in the emotional waters and it felt so good but as soon as I cleared my head I had to be realistic,  the same thing would just happen again.

I think it depends on the circumstances but for me resisting this strong recycle attempt is the best choice.

Nothing would give me more pleasure(I think?) then to get her back into bed one time and walk away when I'm done. Foolish fantasy and something I'm not built to do as I'm not an evil guy like that. But that would only lead to me falling off the wagon... .no damn way that's happening.

I could have done that last night,  she came over because of some stuff that's gone down and ended up spending the night here (mental I know) she slept in my bed and I took the couch although she came out because she had a nightmare and fell asleep in my arms.

I could have done whatever I wanted to her last night but what would that make me?  Now I understand the disorder and why she is how she is? I just haven't got it in me. I gave her sanctuary,  looked after her and sent her home. At least I can say I did what was right and controlled myself.

If you did what you say you'd like to you would feel good for about 5 seconds and then it'd be a case of oh my god what have I done.

Exactly... .I couldn't do it. The thought is there, however fleeting, but I just couldn't do it. It was to bad a mentally, verbally abusive r/s to make it that I never want to see her again.

[Lion Fire]

I had one recycle that lasted 4 days... .we went away for a weekend to patch things up after a dreadful fall out.

It went like this... .

DAY 1

-we met at the train station... she was tearful

-we caught a train and ferry... .she was tearful and wanted to know where she stood with me

-we reached our destination... .she raged at me and told me I was sick

-we went for a walk... .she ignored me, then told me she loved me, let's go back and make some babies  

-we had a lovely night... .physical and emotional intimacy

DAY 2

-we had breakfast together the next day... .all good

-we went for lunch... .the storm clouds gathered for no reason imo

-she burst into tears in the afternoon... .told me that I cannot give her what she "NEEDS"

-I gave her space... .the evening was tense but quiet

DAY 3:

-the morning mood was light

-we hired bicycles and did a cycle tour... stopped at a beautiful lookout and even prayed together

-we took a nap in the afternoon- the storm clouds gathered for no reason imo

-she completely exploded, verbally abusing me for a straight hour (I set my phone to record the vitriol) when I told her I was uncomfortable about her incessantly texting a guy who was in love with her and she had feelings for

-she packed her bags, left on the ferry, got stuck on the mainland w/o accommodation and came back. She told me to sleep elsewhere and leave her the F*** alone.

-I slept in the lounge and left her the F*** alone.

-she came in 3 times during the night to ask me to come through and talk to her about stuff. I went back to sleep.

Day 4:

-we woke up and headed for the Ferry together

-she spoke at me for an hour telling me what a loser, cheat and con-artist I am

-we caught the train together, separate seats, she was in tears the whole way

-I helped her off at her stop. I was dispassionate (or was it shock?)


That was my 1st and only recycle experience. It was insane. I never gave her another chance to get close to me despite several onslaughts.

6 months out and over 4 months strict NC

[Mr.Downtrodden]

The hardest lesson to have learned:

It is not what they say, it is what they do.

[DangIthurts]

The hardest lesson to have learned:

It is not what they say, it is what they do.

I don't know how for so many months I talked myself out of getting blown off and the excuses (Like she had to clean toilets and couldn't see me one day... .They literally have two bathrooms it should take 30 minutes to an hr and a half )