Why cut me out but not others?

[Butterfly44]

I'm confused and hurting again. Went NC for just over ten days and then failed miserably this last week. Had some stuff to sort out over finances from the flat and contacted her in relation to money owing. I called and she answered and I got as far as saying her name before a few seconds went by and she put the phone down on me without a word. It sent me straight back to square one again and made me feel dreadful.

I know she is still in touch with other people she has been out with but with me she refuses to even talk. She hasn't said one word to me since we finally broke up and yet she has always kept others in her life in some respect. I know she answers other exes when they send emails or call her (I've been there when she's done it) but I have been cut dead... .completely. She won't even acknowledge my existence now but from what I've seen previously, she is always willing to hear from and communicate with people who she always said, didn't mean that much to her as I did?

Why is she willing to have conversations with and accept messages from all these other "old flames" but not me? She treated me really badly before we broke up and as some of you know, had me falsely arrested for DV, which was dropped. She left the same night whilst I was being questioned by the police and she has not made one attempt to contact me ever since? It's been two months now since she left and I truly believed that by now she may have been able to at least hold a conversation with me, even if it was only about practical things.

How come all these other people from her past have contact and get responses from her when they call or email etc... .but I have been completely blanked, ignored and treated as though I'm now nothing? It really hurts that it's like this... .will it ever get better? Any ideas?

 

[Waifed]

You are probably a trigger for her.  From what I have been told by my P and also read pwBPD contact the police for a few different reasons.  They are angry, feel like they are losing or have lost control, too turn up manipulation a notch, or they are hurt and feel abandonment coming on.  I am sure that she had a "grace" period with her other partners before they started communicating again.  As long as you are contacting her she probably believes that she has control over you.  Try going NC and see if that provokes her to call (if that is what you truly want).

[myself]

Because she can't/doesn't really face it?

Maybe she feels too much shame?

It's easier to let herself off the hook?

[Raybo48]

I'm confused and hurting again. Went NC for just over ten days and then failed miserably this last week. Had some stuff to sort out over finances from the flat and contacted her in relation to money owing. I called and she answered and I got as far as saying her name before a few seconds went by and she put the phone down on me without a word. It sent me straight back to square one again and made me feel dreadful.

I know she is still in touch with other people she has been out with but with me she refuses to even talk. She hasn't said one word to me since we finally broke up and yet she has always kept others in her life in some respect. I know she answers other exes when they send emails or call her (I've been there when she's done it) but I have been cut dead... .completely. She won't even acknowledge my existence now but from what I've seen previously, she is always willing to hear from and communicate with people who she always said, didn't mean that much to her as I did?

Why is she willing to have conversations with and accept messages from all these other "old flames" but not me? She treated me really badly before we broke up and as some of you know, had me falsely arrested for DV, which was dropped. She left the same night whilst I was being questioned by the police and she has not made one attempt to contact me ever since? It's been two months now since she left and I truly believed that by now she may have been able to at least hold a conversation with me, even if it was only about practical things.

How come all these other people from her past have contact and get responses from her when they call or email etc... .but I have been completely blanked, ignored and treated as though I'm now nothing? It really hurts that it's like this... .will it ever get better? Any ideas?

 

I'm right there with you Butterfly... .As far as I can tell I am the only outcast in her life at the present time, which I think makes it doubly hard for us don't you think?  Personally I feel like I  can't sit there  and go well she does this with everyone at the end so I shouldn't be surprised. Nope as far as I can tell I'm the only one painted black.  I'm not real up on splitting and the whole black/white dance they do, but do they only paint  one person black at a time?   

[Raybo48]

You are probably a trigger for her.  From what I have been told by my P and also read pwBPD contact the police for a few different reasons.  They are angry, feel like they are losing or have lost control, too turn up manipulation a notch, or they are hurt and feel abandonment coming on.  I am sure that she had a "grace" period with her other partners before they started communicating again.  As long as you are contacting her she probably believes that she has control over you.  Try going NC and see if that provokes her to call (if that is what you truly want).

This makes sense, and I definitely think I'm a trigger for my BPDxf.  The  last few times she has  gotten super angry at me after I basically rejected her when she initiated contact and then she ended up being super vindictive.   Trust me when I tell you she was vindictive to begin with, but she's taken it to a whole new level... threatening restraining orders, going on her fb  and posting my picture calling me psycho, a stalker etc. She's the one contacting me and I've stayed NC so none of that makes sense logically, but she's majorly raging and the shame of being rejected must be off the charts or something. She's also been intoxicated while she has done this so it makes her twice as dangerous.  

[Butterfly44]

I've thought about this a lot. The whole idea of the shame. I realise that I must be a trigger for her negative emotions or whatever feelings she has about what happened between us. The ending was really hideous and maybe she just can't deal with the fact she had me falsely arrested, put me through hell and then just left without a word. I do feel that she can't face me. The night she left I also found out quite a few things I didn't know. Really horrible things she had been saying about me behind my back (that I was abusive and violent and controlling etc... .) plus she slipped up when on the phone to a friend about something she had done that was really manipulative and underhand in regards to someone we both knew. I think she also knew her "true" self was really starting to show and the more she was getting caught out, the more panicked and irrational and nasty she was becoming towards me. The persona she had created was slipping and I made it very clear that I didn't like this side of her at all. Granted, when I found out what she had done in regards to our mutual acquaintance, I was fuming and told her I hated her. I also told her she was an ugly person (not good I know) but I was livid at the time: I felt betrayed and realised just how much she had been b___ing about me behind my back to anyone who would listen. The more I questioned her about her behaviour, the more vicious she would get with me.

I don't think the other people she has kept in her life ever got so close to revealing how she really can be or if they did, they didn't react in the way I did to it? I don't know. She only wants to be seen as this beautiful, intelligent, caring woman who can do no wrong but it's rubbish? She only seems to keep the sycophants around; the people who don't see or refuse to question her behaviour. All these people she has contact with adore her and think butter wouldn't melt etc... .they're always the ones who will reiterate everything she says and even agree with all her damning opinions too. Anyone who doesn't agree with her or basically stay one of her allies, gets the cold shoulder.

The thing is, despite everything I know and have seen and despite every hideous thing she has ever said to me, I still made it clear to her in my contact (email and voicemail) that I cared... .that I was sorry for the things I said that night and that I was angry and hurting at the time. I admitted my part, apologised and tried to be grown up about things but I've still had absolutely no response... .nothing. The phone being put down as soon as she heard my voice was really cutting   I seem to have been painted blacker than black? I feel I can't move on or be happy knowing this is the case; that she hates me more than anyone she's ever had previously in her life (even though a couple of them have cheated on her: I never did) yet she still keeps these people around? All I ever did was stand up for myself and call her out for her crap. I took so much abuse from her and yet she refuses to have anything to do with me? I just don't get how she can cut me out so coldly when I've tried to reach out and be rational... .even about her having me arrested? I've forgiven her for that too because I know it was her majorly acting out. All I want is for things to be left in a better way than this; she's making me feel as though I did something absolutely horrific to her? I know she was severely abused as a child and as horrible as it sounds, I feel she has put me in the same "box" in her head as these vile monsters? It's crippling me to think that's where I've ended up when all I did was try to understand and love her? I have absolutely no idea what to do at all... .will it ever change? I'm miserable :-(

[FoolishMan]

She is actually doing you a favour by enforcing NC. I was at the same place you are months ago. It gets better. You will be thankful for her showing her true colors soon, believe me. Maintain NC and hold no hope for reconciliation or predictable behaviour from her and you will be fine in time.

[Butterfly44]

Foolishman... .what do you mean by predictable behaviour? You mean the predictable behaviour of a typical pwBPD and the coming back into my life at some point? I just don't want to be hated when I did none of the things she's accused me of... .they were all outlandish and so untrue? 

[Blimblam]

Butterfly

I can really relate to not wanting to be paints black. It's not fair and it sucks. Like waifed said their is typically a grace period before you are painted white again. Durring this time she probably has been through one or more replacements also durring this time if she feels you had moved on without being hurt this makes you more attractive to her. She wants to have to sort of win you back under her control. She likes the chase and once she feels she has you she will feel engulfed and the the cycle she is always in will repeat itself. 

But you are in the detaching board so a part of your knows it won't work out yet you still crave the validation she once gave you.

It's the FOG it sure gets thick and even once you begin to see you have your own issues that you are working through. No contact is a great tool to work through it. You can read everything in the world to understand the disorder but when your in the place you are at now, it's the heart that needs to catch up. Keep reading about the disorder though it sure helps.

[Raybo48]

Butterfly, you and I are in the same boat so you are not alone.  I'm very hated right now, have been threatened and she has/had said horrible things behind my back to anyone who will listen. Even when things were going just OK with us shed say things behind my back.  It's a very strange behavior pattern. Telling you they love you and want to be with you and painting you black to friends and family. Now I'm just pained black to everyone including her and I watched lies unfold about me on her FB last Sunday after she contacted me intoxicated and I ignored and rejected her again. NC has to to be our mode of operation in all this, and you can't worry about what she thinks of you. In the end it doesn't matter because neither one of us really ever truly knew these people with all their props and dreams of fantasy love.  I'm coming to accept those details as fact... .It makes it very difficult because our feelings were very real and so is the pain we are now in, and the withdrawals of not having them in our life. 

[lm911]

Foolishman... .what do you mean by predictable behaviour? You mean the predictable behaviour of a typical pwBPD and the coming back into my life at some point? I just don't want to be hated when I did none of the things she's accused me of... .they were all outlandish and so untrue? 

Same here, but honestly we can't do anything to change that. It is all in their mind, they may change it or not.

[FoolishMan]

Foolishman... .what do you mean by predictable behaviour? You mean the predictable behaviour of a typical pwBPD and the coming back into my life at some point? I just don't want to be hated when I did none of the things she's accused me of... .they were all outlandish and so untrue? 

I mean in a relationship with a healthy person, after a while, behaviour becomes predictable. Not so with a pwBPD. They might say one thing and do the complete opposite. You can never win.

I don't mean about them coming back for a little taste of your supply. If you want that I suggest you read the forum topics regarding this recycle after serious B/U. It never seems to end well. Same as marriages and having kids with them. Terrible outcomes seem the norm.

[FoolishMan]

Foolishman... .what do you mean by predictable behaviour? You mean the predictable behaviour of a typical pwBPD and the coming back into my life at some point? I just don't want to be hated when I did none of the things she's accused me of... .they were all outlandish and so untrue? 

Same here, but honestly we can't do anything to change that. It is all in their mind, they may change it or not.

They could come back, loving and praising you and still be sleeping with multiple others and blackening your name behind your back. You wouldn't ever know until you caught them red handed. You would then be hated again for simply catching them out. No win. NC is the best option I believe.

[SlyQQ]

She can feel your pain an feeds on it while simultaneously blaming you for not leaving her in peace an alone while feeling guilty about hurting you so much but enjoying it at the same time ( because of the attention ( all BPD secretly wish there exs will never recover it is a power trip ) the more you try the more she will hurt you unless you let go completely an ignore her an she truly knows she has lost you forever

[Butterfly44]

Thanks Sly and Foolishman... .God, I'm so up and down it's unreal? One day I think I understand and then the next I don't. I wake up feeling stressed and anxious? I know I'm a good person but why do I feel so awful about every tiny mistake I feel I made? I didn't even know she had BPD so I just didn't know how to handle the vicious words and nasty behaviour. She pushed and pushed and pushed me to levels of frustration and hurt I've never felt before and then to have me thrown in a cell? How and why can I blame myself for that?

This cutting me out has made me feel I'm worthless but I agree, I think she's feeding on my pain (as I keep reaching out) I think she can manage just fine without me (obviously) but she dips in and out of my FB and hasn't blocked my mobile number or changed hers so I'm not sure what it is she's trying to make me do? She has still left a very personal photo up which is to with us on her Skype profile too? Yet I know she's been on there? Why hasn't she taken it down or changed it this last two months?

Even though she refuses contact, some of her behaviour is really not helping me at all :-(

[FoolishMan]

Thanks Sly and Foolishman... .God, I'm so up and down it's unreal? One day I think I understand and then the next I don't. I wake up feeling stressed and anxious? I know I'm a good person but why do I feel so awful about every tiny mistake I feel I made? I didn't even know she had BPD so I just didn't know how to handle the vicious words and nasty behaviour. She pushed and pushed and pushed me to levels of frustration and hurt I've never felt before and then to have me thrown in a cell? How and why can I blame myself for that?

This cutting me out has made me feel I'm worthless but I agree, I think she's feeding on my pain (as I keep reaching out) I think she can manage just fine without me (obviously) but she dips in and out of my FB and hasn't blocked my mobile number or changed hers so I'm not sure what it is she's trying to make me do? She has still left a very personal photo up which is to with us on her Skype profile too? Yet I know she's been on there? Why hasn't she taken it down or changed it this last two months?

Even though she refuses contact, some of her behaviour is really not helping me at all :-(

I know how you feel. She's leaving crumbs for you so that you feel this way. It's terrible behaviour, only a very sick person can do this to someone they supposedly care about. Honestly nothing anyone will say can help. I was the exact same as you for months. It was tough but after a while it will wear off. I couldn't even see her at a distance without getting agitated and desperate. Now I can brush her off and ignore her just fine.

All you can do is try to forget the good times and focus on the bad. Remember all the things they did or said that made the relationship crap.

I had all these good times playing over and over in my head for months. Now I can see the lies, manipulation, gas lighting, projection for what it was. A ruse to get what she wanted at the time.

[Blimblam]

Butterfly

I remember feeling vulnerable like this and wanting some form of validation.  This is in my opinion the worst time to contact the ex. The worst!  As stated it will trigger her shame for hurting you if she senses you are hurt and hurt you more yet she will leave you crumbs to keep you on the hook.  This confusion is unfortunately just part of the process. Just try to feel these emotions fully and let the heart process it to catch up with what you have learned it will take some time and no contact is an extremely effective tool in this process.  Nothing anyone tells you or any information will make this click untill you either process this truama with your heart or find a way to compartmentalize the trauma and run away from it. In truth it tends to be a combination of the two. I'm sorry it sucks. It's going to most likely suck for a while

[Butterfly44]

Blimblam... .why is this the worst time to contact my ex? Sorry if I sound a bit dim about this but why now in particular? Is it because she's still in the frame of mind to hurt me further? All I've done is try to be reasonable; I haven't particularly sucked up to her although I have made it clear that I still care despite everything she's done and said. Please can you explain?

[FoolishMan]

Blimblam... .why is this the worst time to contact my ex? Sorry if I sound a bit dim about this but why now in particular? Is it because she's still in the frame of mind to hurt me further? All I've done is try to be reasonable; I haven't particularly sucked up to her although I have made it clear that I still care despite everything she's done and said. Please can you explain?

You are at your most vulnerable. You will give her all the power if you contact her now and of course she will abuse it. That's the message you can find on these forums. I've never read anything different from peoples first hand experience. It was the same in my own 'R/S.

If you want her back, for whatever reason, go NC. You won't stop her exploring and hurting you by letting her know that despite what she does to you, you are still waiting patiently for her return. I've seen my exs face light up when she's hurt me really bad before. In a way that nothing else does. Just expect the absolute worst and you shouldn't be too shocked.

[Butterfly44]

Hello again Foolishman... .thank you. Yes, I am really vulnerable right now and especially with trying and trying to understand how she could have gone so far as to have me arrested. Only two days earlier, she had been telling me how she wanted us to get back to our happy little place? It's just so confusing and I'm exhausted with beating myself up about the things I said that night. It was the first time I'd really said some nasty things but she was goading me and pushing me and going on about other people she could easily go to because I was useless and crap etc... .it's all made me feel so worthless?

I feel I'm hated and I can't handle it, especially when all I did was try my best and try so hard to stand up for myself against all her awful false accusations. I also know she's gone to someone else; someone who was in the background (or not) all the time and it's the same person she used to antagonise me about constantly.

When is a right time to try to talk or explain or expect any kind of reasoning? She promised me we would always be in each other's lives no matter what and I feel completely abandoned by her? I even moved cities to be with her and I've been left in a place where I don't even know anyone? I just don't know how she can be so cruel as to act as if I don't exist now? And as someone said... .these crumbs she leaves behind like popping onto FB and sneaking peeks and not changing her Skype profile picture are really messing with my head. Is it all really just a power game to her? I'm all over the place... .no matter what approach I take, she is completely ignoring everything? I never thought she'd be like this. A friend said to me only this morning "It's about control, it's a way of getting you to think about her and it's working... .she knows it" My friend said a normal person would text back and say look, it's over... .I care but I've moved on and you should do the same. That's how people end things in a decent way and how people who do not want to continue a game as such will and do respond... .especially if someone is texting and calling and they don't want them to. Most people would reply and make it clear they don't want any further contact.

Is she still playing games with me... .a silent and cruel one? It's almost as if she wants me to continue trying just to see how much I'm hurting. I know NC is the way to go again but I'm almost scared of this too as I think she'll just move on and completely forget about me :-( God, I wish these feelings would stop.

[Aussie0zborn]

She got you arrested? My friend got arrested last week and I asked him is he was going to succumb like a pussy and take her back again. His reply... ."Are you serious? She got me ARRESTED!" She changed her story and he was released without charge but next time he might not be so lucky. And maybe neither will you.

Yes, she is playing games with you. Silent and cruel ones and maybe even more that you haven't even realised yet. But they didn't just start now, it's been like that for a long time and you don't deserve it. You can actually make this stop. Right now.

Why dont you try NC so that you can process all this, weigh up the damage she has done to you and find the best solution for you to get over this? Forget about any money owed to you and chalk it up to experience.

Your peace of mind and freedom from somebody else's emotional turmoil is more important than money or wanting to be seen as the good caring guy that you are etc etc. If you're a good guy, people will see that for themselves - you don't need  a BPDx to validate you, if that's what you're looking for, as this is unlikely to happen.

One thing that is quite common here, is the lack of closure. Your friend was quite right, but this is not a normal relationship. You will have to find closure yourself and this will come when you weigh up the damage done and see her actions for what they are.  NC, my friend, NC.

[Butterfly44]

She got you arrested? My friend got arrested last week and I asked him is he was going to succumb like a pussy and take her back again. His reply... ."Are you serious? She got me ARRESTED!" She changed her story and he was released without charge but next time he might not be so lucky. And maybe neither will you.

Yes, she is playing games with you. Silent and cruel ones and maybe even more that you haven't even realised yet. But they didn't just start now, it's been like that for a long time and you don't deserve it. You can actually make this stop. Right now.

Why dont you try NC so that you can process all this, weigh up the damage she has done to you and find the best solution for you to get over this? Forget about any money owed to you and chalk it up to experience.

Your peace of mind and freedom from somebody else's emotional turmoil is more important than money or wanting to be seen as the good caring guy that you are etc etc. If you're a good guy, people will see that for themselves - you don't need  a BPDx to validate you, if that's what you're looking for, as this is unlikely to happen.

One thing that is quite common here, is the lack of closure. Your friend was quite right, but this is not a normal relationship. You will have to find closure yourself and this will come when you weigh up the damage done and see her actions for what they are.  NC, my friend, NC.

Thank you Aussie. Yes, she had me arrested on a false charge of DV and whilst I was at the police station she packed and left. She left me with nothing and in a place I don't really know anyone. She refused to make any statement of course and after 6 weeks of waiting I was told it wasn't going any further. It was an awful experience. You're right, the money doesn't matter; it actually really doesn't but it's crap from where we lived that I've been left to deal with. She won't even respond in regards to the finances which does lead me to believe she either can't face me (ashamed) or she's just playing some mind game and ignoring me because it's another form of control. Any other normal adult would be grown up and respond no matter how cold the response and just deal with what needs to be dealt with?

And you're right... .the games have been going on for a long time. The devaluing, threatening me with this other person, disappearing for days, telling me how useless I am, talking to me like dirt etc... .but then dropping a music video into my email at 4am but never actually saying anything herself. She also has never said sorry to me once in our entire relationship... .I have no idea why I'm expecting anything now to be honest. I just can't believe she turned out to be so selfish and cruel and still to be plaguing me with these odd little "things" on top is just unfair and doing my head in. I'll try NC again and see how I go... .but thank you for your kind and wise words.

[Raybo48]

I believe without a doubt once you are painted black and are on their S-list the BPD mindset is capable of anything, and I mean anything.  My BPDxgf threatened a restraining order on me a week after she professed her love and undying devotion.  These people DO NOT think like we do, not with their disorder in full operation.   You can't trust anything they say.  She called me and when I told her a week later she did she said "what are you talking about I never called you, I'm filing a restraining order now".  That was AFTER I told her I phone records that she called.  100% NC is the only way to protect yourself.  It took some time for that to get into my thick skull, but when they want you out of their life they will stop at nothing to do it. It's about control and they will attain that through any means!