Confessions from a well intentioned parent

[Rlsmith2]

Well today I really messed up with my DD 21 with BPD. She overheard me talking to my best friend about Her and got pretty upset. I voiced concerns to my friend about Her being so introverted, my worries about her not having friends and yes I did read her journal. Oh my! So, I did admit my mistake, apologized and tried to explain myself. Boy, was that hard! I never know what is going on with her, when they close themselves off you're left with just hoping for answers. The positive thing, if there was one, was that she revealed that she was okay, going to therapy, not taking Meds (but I knew this), had friends at school and promised to let me know when she was in trouble and will seek help. When does this get easier? When do I stop worrying that she is going to harm herself ? I feel so upset and scared that I caused her more pain and my intentions were in the right place. What happens if she stops writing and I never know what is going on with her? When does the guilt over messing up stop?

Thanks for your support and advice!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Rlsmith2,

It appears that after you apologized all is well for the moment? If so, pat yourself on the back and please don't beat yourself up. I'm sure that next time you talk about your dd, you will make sure she is nowhere in ear-shot. 

The positive thing, if there was one, was that she revealed that she was okay, going to therapy, not taking Meds (but I knew this), had friends at school and promised to let me know when she was in trouble and will seek help.

Did she say this to you after you talked? That seems like a really good result!

When does this get easier? When do I stop worrying that she is going to harm herself ? I feel so upset and scared that I caused her more pain and my intentions were in the right place. What happens if she stops writing and I never know what is going on with her? When does the guilt over messing up stop?

Please be kind to yourself... .We are all human and we all make mistakes. It would be a different story if you hurt her on purpose.

As a parent, you will always worry to some extent, but it gets better with time as you get the hang of the tools, and know what you can do to make things better and also learn to let go when you know it's out of your hands... .

What can you do for yourself to soothe your senses a bit? (a bubble bath? a glass of wine and some quiet music?... .)

[nzmum]

  Rlsmith2

my intentions were in the right place.

HOLD ONTO THAT THOUGHT!    

[qcarolr]

Rlsmith2

Hang in there, and be kind to yourself. I sometimes realize that my guilty feelings get in the way of seeing my DD28 reaching out to me for a moment in honesty. Telling you what she is doing right in her life - she can do this if she knows you love her, care about her, and she can trust you to be there when she needs you. Of course she was angry initially - I would be in the moments of feeling betrayed.

  So, I did admit my mistake, apologized and tried to explain myself. Boy, was that hard! I never know what is going on with her, when they close themselves off you're left with just hoping for answers. The positive thing, if there was one, was that she revealed that she was okay, going to therapy, not taking Meds (but I knew this), had friends at school and promised to let me know when she was in trouble and will seek help.

Can you feel the hope and love your DD is sharing with you in accepting your apology and then reassuring you that she is OK, and she will let you know when she is in trouble and she will seek help.

Maybe she heard the truth in your sincere comments shared with your friend. This is a good bit of self-refection, a valuable step toward healing for her.

With my DD28 I have found when I am able to manage my guilt, lose my anger, find my empathy and validation for her then she is better able to hear what she needs to hear to feel less lonely or abandoned.

Does any of this ring true with you?

qcr

[SlyQQ]

It is good to remeber they have supersonic hearing ( not kidding ) and she had every right to be upset and do you really intend to keep reading her journal ! It is not cool your daughter will now certainly bait you with it and frankly you deserve it

[Rlsmith2]

Hi,

Thank you for the comments and insights. I will take the advice of all you. Yes, she did seem to accept my apology.  She wasn't in a rage and our talk was good. I remembered the stuff I read, validated her feelings and asked her to forgive me. It was sincere and I completely understand I violated her privacy. I have no intention of reading her journal again and it happened after she was admitted to the hospital during a relapse. I just wanted answers and to be able to help.  i never want to loose my daughter and I am still fearful of that happening. I still remember that phone call, dropping to my knees and in utter sadness. Questioning what I had done or hadn't done.   

I called her dad later and we chatted about the incident too. He said basically the same thing, to quit beating myself up, watch what I say when talking on the phone and to trust her to come to me if there is something wrong.  He was going to call her. His approach is much different than mine and she seems to respond to him better.

So, today I am going to church, moving forward with lessons learned, work on a better relationship with my daughter and try not to feel so guilty for messing up. 

[chooselove]

I actually had a therapist tell me that I should read my BPD's journal as a means for insight and to help protect us both during risky times.  I don't believe any parent should be shamed for trying to find out what is going on with their very ill loved one.

[nzmum]

I don't believe any parent should be shamed for trying to find out what is going on with their very ill loved one.

We read DD's blog from time to time (she has no clue we have the URL for it  ) - again we do this for an insight into the current thought process of DD.  We have been told not to as it is information we can not use   - that was the Social Worker & Psychologist talking. Please bear in mind that DD has over 1200 followers    now all validating her feelings and thoughts - this is her main outlet/distraction.

Well guess what!  Time and agian the information/state of mind we have found has proved invaluable in finding and helping DD17 through her crisis!  How can that be bad for her? 

We now figure that once DD is safer & healthier I should have no need to 'invade' her privacy.  Until then we will do anything we have to do to keep her safe. 

So keep shamelessly reading would be my advice.

[SlyQQ]

If you did not get caught there would not be a problem you were that puts everything in a much different perspective 

[qcarolr]

I don't believe any parent should be shamed for trying to find out what is going on with their very ill loved one.

We now figure that once DD is safer & healthier I should have no need to 'invade' her privacy.  Until then we will do anything we have to do to keep her safe. 

I have been overheard by DD28 in sharing information that she knows I could only have found out from stuff in her room. If it is there in front of me, I read it. If she calls me on it, I tell the truth about it. It does help to know what is going on with her and her friends. The respect that DD needs is for me to restrict any conversations I have about her stuff to those that have a need to know. If it about my need to tell the story, that is what my T and mentor/sponsor are for. And my dh.

This has been a hard lesson to learn. To understand who has earned the right to here my story, and what do I feel the right to share about DD's story.

qcr

[Rlsmith2]

Just a quick update. Since this incident things have gotten better. She appears more engaged in the house and is encouraging her sibling who is going through a difficult time. She even called me on the way home to let me know she was stuck in traffic. So for now I am enjoying the moment.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Rlsmith2

I will hope along with you that this positive time will hold some long-term benefits for your DD. As my DD28 has cycled recently she seems to be keeping some of her self-reflective awarenesses even in her times of trouble.

qcr

[AZGranny]

Oh boy, I have been in your shoes.  My GD was in the hospital (stomach issues) 4 weeks ago and when I looked through her gym bag I found she had packed a razor to cut. I confronted her and even though she initially denied cutting, she eventually admitted to it.   I was shocked as I had not picked up on any distress from her.  I went home and went through her room and read her journal (I was later scolded by her therapist and case manager).  I found out that she had been cutting since school started and she was planning her suicide at school.    I immediately let her team know and one of them inadvertently told her that I had read her journal.  She had a major meltdown in the hospital and even though I apologized and explained that I was concerned for her health she didn't want me at the hospital and wouldn't talk to me about it.   I find myself in a constant struggle between respecting her privacy and keeping her safe.   What is scary now is that I am unable to determine when she is in great distress.  To find out she had been cutting since school started was very upsetting to me.  In the past she would come to talk to me (she didn't this time) or she would be visually very anxious or upset (none of these syptoms)

I've asked myself the same questions about when do we stop worrying, watching and monitoring everything.  My GD was just recently admitted into a Residential Facility  (today is day 2) and I am praying that she will get the help she needs.   

Hang in there. I am not sure what the answer is.  Bpd isn't easy for anyone involved, including caring/loving parents and family members.