Setting Boundaries

[cleotokos]

Hi Everyone. I need help with determining if I'm acting correctly or not. It can get very confusing when trying to set boundaries with someone with BPD, as you all know.

So, the boundary I've been trying to set is that I don't want my mother to mention me to my brother. First of all, I realize that this is a boundary I'm trying to put on her behaviour instead of mine. Maybe I've just answered my own question here, haha! Anyways, this is because he has a drug addiction and a mental illness. She tends to hide behind me (ie. "your sister and I feel that x" about him or his behaviour) and this causes him to rage at me, and saves her from his criticism. He's left death threats and even broken into my house because she mentions something I said and he didn't like it. So I flat out said, don't mention me AT ALL. It was very scary at that time, I actually thought he might hurt me. As if robbing my house wasn't enough. I feared for my safety. She would always "forget" and I had to go NC for a while, over that and other things. He is currently taking care of himself, is not on drugs and is taking medication for his mental illness. This doesn't mean I trust him not to go back to that place he was in before. Recently she told me he was asking about a medical condition I'd told her about. At first I was mad she was discussing my personal details with him and didn't respond. Then I decided to tell her this made me feel disrespected, as I've made it VERY CLEAR in the past that I don't want her to discuss me with him AT ALL, EVER! Of course, oops, she "forgot". It's just such a burden for her to have to always remember to censor herself, she says. I told her it was my opinion that she just didn't care to remember. Her response was to ask about my medical condition again. Oh, the poor woman is just trying to find out about her daughter's illness, but crazy daughter just wants to fight and won't tell her! Boo hoo! Mind you, she had totally forgotten I even had this issue until my brother asked her about it. It's very minor anyways.

I feel like I'm getting sucked in to one of her stupid, boring pity parties and I almost didn't even see it coming. I'm just very mad and don't know where to go from here. I was going to invite her to come stay the night at my new house for the first time in years (she lives out of town) but now I just don't want to be around her. I just want her to acknowledge that she doesn't understand why I don't want her to speak about me, therefore she chooses not to honour my request. Instead of pretending she "forgets" all the time. Well, I think she does forget - because it's not important to her, she doesn't agree with it, and it doesn't make sense to her. She also tends to live in the moment - RIGHT NOW brother is not on drugs, therefore everything's hunky dory.

What do I do? Tell her I'll no longer be telling her any personal information since she can't respect my request? I've been working on building trust and a relationship with her since coming off NC about a year ago, and I feel like this is a major step back.  

[clljhns]

Hi cleotokos,

I agree with you that boundaries are VERY important. I also agree that they are probably not as important to anyone with BPD. 

Well, I think she does forget - because it's not important to her, she doesn't agree with it, and it doesn't make sense to her. She also tends to live in the moment - RIGHT NOW brother is not on drugs, therefore everything's hunky dory.

What do I do? Tell her I'll no longer be telling her any personal information since she can't respect my request? I've been working on building trust and a relationship with her since coming off NC about a year ago, and I feel like this is a major step back.  huh

This is a great question. I wonder if perhaps you are still hoping that she might "wake up" one day and realize what she has done to you by sharing your personal information and in ignoring your request to not include your name when talking with brother. I think we all hope that there will be a moment of clarity for our loved ones with BPD and they will apologize for every time they betrayed our trust and hurt us. I know that deep down inside, I would love for this to happen. The reality speaks loudly, though, since I have not had any contact with my parents in a long time, and they have made no attempt to contact me.

. First of all, I realize that this is a boundary I'm trying to put on her behaviour instead of mine. Maybe I've just answered my own question here,

You are right that you cannot tell mom what to do with the information once she has it, she has proven to you in the past that she cannot be trusted to honor your wishes and privacy. I like your idea of just not sharing anymore personal information with her to protect your privacy. Unfortunately this means that you will not have the close and intimate relationship that you are trying to build with mom. It may be that you will have to be guarded with mom. I wish I had a more positive response to your situation.

Please let us know what you decide and how you are doing. 

Peace and blessings. 

[cleotokos]

Hi clljhns, thanks for your reply. I think I know that I just can't share details of my life with her, and it makes me sad. I had been being pretty good about doing that but I guess I slipped up. Our relationship had improved greatly after NC, I felt that she wasn't being so demanding of me and was having some respect for my boundaries. She recently lost her common law husband to leukemia and I think may be baiting me because she wants to wallow in the sadness of it all, if that makes sense. I know she must be having an awful time and maybe she's losing control of herself where it comes to me due to that situation. I think I won't bother to tell her I'm not sharing anymore personal info, I just won't.

[clljhns]

Hi cleotokos,


Probably a good idea to not share personal information with mom. It is unfortunate that this is reality of the situation, and I am sorry that you don't have the relationship you want so badly. I understand completely the need to have a close and personal relationship with your mom. I thought that I had this, until I finally awakened from the FOG and realized that everything I said was  being repeated and even twisted to suit her needs. My mom once called my oldest sister a "holy roller" referring to her religious conviction. I didn't repeat this to my sister, but my mom told her that I had made the statement. It just never ended while I was in contact with her.

Wishing you all the best!