How long have I been like this?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Lately, when I think back on the last four or so years, everything feels like kind of a blur.

I look back even further (before my relationship) and realize that I've been depressed for maybe 10 years now. I've thought of suicide since I was 15, and I binge-drank when I was 17. Back then there was maybe one thing that was different. Back then I thought I can change the way I look, that I could get myself out of the funk and that I'd emerge a better person. It's been ten years and I've accomplished none of that, no matter how I tried.

Over the last year I've had suicidal thoughts probably every week. Sometimes for weeks on end. Before, I thought... ."If I kill myself, they win." So I wouldn't do it. My unfaithful, abusive, too-good-looking for me BPDSO has moved on. While I'm still a disgusting pr*ck that I've always been, alone. But I'm on the losing end of my 20's and if I hadn't fixed my issues already, there's little chance. There's no winning. My pain is just the byproduct of natural selection. I'm being selected out, removed from the gene pool. It's a subtle thing sometimes.

Statistically speaking, people don't really improve drastically, and they don't change. I probably won't go from human-garbage to "normal." The best I can hope for is that ugly guy you see at work, who you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, and wonder how it is he lives his life. That's the best I can hope for. She left me because I am depressed and therefore depressing to be around. She cheated on me because I am ugly. She abused me because I am weak. I deserved all of it.

I don't know when, and it may be years... .but there's a possibility that I'll kill myself someday. If cancer doesn't get me, it will be my own doing. I'm less angry about the prospect now, and I'm understanding that this may just be how things are supposed to play out for me. Life is *NOT* precious, mine is no exception.

I have no friends whom I feel comfortable sharing this with. I rather not bother them with my problems and dump this on them.

Can't tell my shrink because I'll end up in a hospital and I can't afford that. I have a job, and I haven't the guts to do it just now. I hate myself for this, that I can't just go ahead and *do* it already. Death still scares me which I think is a sign that it may be YEARS until I actually go through with it. What's really strange is that when I think of killing myself, I don't picture a specific way. Maybe a "skydiving accident." But when I think of death by cancer, or getting shot, or something like that, it's so scary. Probably because I have no control. I don't *want* to die, but at the same time I'm not really living. I've been fighting my depression and self-loathing for years. I'm going to lose someday. If it hasn't been dealt with by now, there's next to no chance of it going any other way.

Why post here? I don't know. Maybe part of me is trying to reach out. Honestly, I'm ashamed to be taking up the time of whoever reads this. I'm not a strong person, I wish I were a better person. Instead I'm talking about my bull___ here. I'm so sorry.

[Vatz]

Lately, when I think back on the last four or so years, everything feels like kind of a blur.

I look back even further (before my relationship) and realize that I've been depressed for maybe 10 years now. I've thought of suicide since I was 15, and I binge-drank when I was 17. Back then there was maybe one thing that was different. Back then I thought I can change the way I look, that I could get myself out of the funk and that I'd emerge a better person. It's been ten years and I've accomplished none of that, no matter how I tried.

Over the last year I've had suicidal thoughts probably every week. Sometimes for weeks on end. Before, I thought... ."If I kill myself, they win." So I wouldn't do it. My unfaithful, abusive, too-good-looking for me BPDSO has moved on. While I'm still a disgusting pr*ck that I've always been, alone. But I'm on the losing end of my 20's and if I hadn't fixed my issues already, there's little chance. There's no winning. My pain is just the byproduct of natural selection. I'm being selected out, removed from the gene pool. It's a subtle thing sometimes.

Statistically speaking, people don't really improve drastically, and they don't change. I probably won't go from human-garbage to "normal." The best I can hope for is that ugly guy you see at work, who you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole, and wonder how it is he lives his life. That's the best I can hope for. She left me because I am depressed and therefore depressing to be around. She cheated on me because I am ugly. She abused me because I am weak. I deserved all of it.

I don't know when, and it may be years... .but there's a possibility that I'll kill myself someday. If cancer doesn't get me, it will be my own doing. I'm less angry about the prospect now, and I'm understanding that this may just be how things are supposed to play out for me. Life is *NOT* precious, mine is no exception.

I have no friends whom I feel comfortable sharing this with. I rather not bother them with my problems and dump this on them.

Can't tell my shrink because I'll end up in a hospital and I can't afford that. I have a job, and I haven't the guts to do it just now. I hate myself for this, that I can't just go ahead and *do* it already. Death still scares me which I think is a sign that it may be YEARS until I actually go through with it. What's really strange is that when I think of killing myself, I don't picture a specific way. Maybe a "skydiving accident." But when I think of death by cancer, or getting shot, or something like that, it's so scary. Probably because I have no control. I don't *want* to die, but at the same time I'm not really living. I've been fighting my depression and self-loathing for years. I'm going to lose someday. If it hasn't been dealt with by now, there's next to no chance of it going any other way.

Why post here? I don't know. Maybe part of me is trying to reach out. Honestly, I'm ashamed to be taking up the time of whoever reads this. I'm not a strong person, I wish I were a better person. Instead I'm talking about my bull___ here. I'm so sorry.

[Pingo]

Vatz,  my heart goes out to you  , I am so sorry to hear the pain you are in.  I think you are wrong though, people can most certainly change so please don't give up.  I was very depressed as a young person and into my late twenties.  I'm 44 now and there have been many ups and downs but life is so much brighter now.  I'm sorry you feel you cannot talk to your shrink for fear of hospitalisation.  Being honest with them is what you need to be to get the support you need. 

Please don't feel ashamed for reaching out, we are all here in different places of our healing but pain is the one thing we can all relate to. 

[Ihope2]

Vatz, my heart also hurts for you when I read your post.  Do you think your issues stem from clinical depression, or is there this deep, toxic shame that you are struggling with?  Please reach out to others for help and just give it a chance. 

I've read some of your previous posts on this website, and you seem like a really emotionally intelligent person.  The world needs more Vatz's, I can assure you.

You do not sound like a loser to me, just someone who seems to have a deep shame about something and someone who is perhaps too preoccupied with outer appearances.

We are all here to talk about our bullsh1t by the way - no need for apologies. 

[Kwamina]

Hi Vatz,

You were having a very difficult day yesterday, how are you feeling now?

I don't *want* to die, but at the same time I'm not really living. I've been fighting my depression and self-loathing for years. I'm going to lose someday. If it hasn't been dealt with by now, there's next to no chance of it going any other way.

I find the the highlighted part of your above quote very encouraging. It shows me that what you're really looking for is an end to the pain so you can enjoy your life more fully. Based on your post it's clear that you are in a bad place emotionally but I want to tell you that no matter how intense or real our emotions may feel sometimes, they aren't always an accurate reflection of reality. The fact that you feel like there's no chance of things getting better, doesn't necessarily mean that this is true.

Why post here? I don't know. Maybe part of me is trying to reach out. Honestly, I'm ashamed to be taking up the time of whoever reads this. I'm not a strong person, I wish I were a better person. Instead I'm talking about my bull___ here. I'm so sorry.

It took tremendous courage and strength to get this difficult story out here so I would say that you definitely are a strong person. You might not feel so strong because you're struggling so but please also remember that it really takes a lot of strength to be able to admit your struggles like you have done here You made it this far in spite of all your struggles and you deserve a lot of credit for being a survivor.

[Vatz]

Okay. . .

Thanks everyone who took the time to respond.

Pingo:

I'm sorry to hear you suffered with depression in your 20's. I'm glad you're doing better. I don't know, there have been so many studies that pretty much prove that once you're a certain way by your mid-twenties, any significant change is next to impossible. Physical and mental.

Ihope2:

I think it's a combination of a depression and the other thing. But I think "shame" doesn't quite describe it. I've talked to my shrink and he noticed that I abhor weakness, especially in myself. I was beaten without end by two older kids when I was little. One of them wasn't going to stop. My dad got outside after a neighbor witnessed it and told him about it. If I was less lucky, I'd be dead. There's a lesson in this. The weak die. It doesn't matter if that other kid went to jail, I wouldn't be alive to see it. Justice means nothing to the dead. So if you're too weak to stop someone, too ugly to attract someone, then you deserve whatever suffering is inflicted on you. You can talk about how people aren't really like that, or that it's not *that* bad. But it is. The depression comes in knowing that I am not strong, that I've earned every nickname, every punch, and every rejection. Doesn't matter that I'm "emotionally intelligent," if the world needs more of such people it simply means that such people aren't valued in a Darwinian perspective, and it is the only one that matters. Even if they are, there are better versions of me which makes my existence moot.

Kwamina:

The day after posting, I still felt pretty bad.

Today, it's still there. It doesn't burn as much as before, but the thoughts are still there. Can't remember a time where I just stopped thinking about it. I'm not really a survivor of anything though. No major wars, no conflicts, no disease. I "survived" an abusive person, but that's really not surviving. If I were better, I would have attracted someone better, I wouldn't have had to "survive" anything. It always comes back to my earlier point. It always does.

I can't tell friends about it because, my philosophy might drive a few people away. I don't tell my parents because they don't really validate it. They just say "No, you look good. You're smart. Blah blah blah." If I were those things, I wouldn't be complaining about not being those things. I'd simply live the life of someone who has those attributes, and yes, one's appearance dictates how one lives. So does intelligence to a degree.

Don't want to go to a hospital because there's really nothing they can do. It's not just some toxic shame, or depression. It's a point of view, a philosophy. It's ingrained in the way I see and process things. "The strong take what they want, while the weak are at their mercy" is life, I'm just aware of my place in this hierarchy. So why not just end it all if I'm so aware of my position? I lack the fortitude, how fitting is that?

Stranger still, I don't even know why I'm arguing the point with people who are just trying to be supportive. I guess this optimistic view of things is just foreign to me. It's like saying the sky is blue, and someone else sees it differently and I can't quite see HOW they can. Like that sailboat if you look at it long enough. I reach out, yet resist. This behavior is particularly bothersome, as sometimes I feel it makes me appear like a flip-flop, or a hypocrite. Two things I don't care for.

Maybe I'm the one with the disorder.

[Ihope2]

Gee Vatz, I feel like I'm reading Nietzsche here.   But I have no right to judge, your views are your views.

I think weakness can give rise to great strength.  I believe things are not always as they seem.

I believe in transformation and the power of alchemy.  Everything is not lost.

[Vatz]

Maybe you're right. The only thing I can really do is continue to work on myself and keep living.

Today is a better day for me. I'm often better when I just submit to the present and just *do.* I think too far ahead, my T says.

Although at the moment I'm not having suicidal thoughts. It's subsided for now. In all likelihood it will be back. Maybe I should meet with a support group (in person) regularly. Might give me something to look forward to. A group where I can bring these things up and it wouldn't make things awkward.

[Pingo]

Glad today is a better day for you Vatz!  I agree with your T not getting too far ahead of yourself, I do that as well and then become overwhelmed at all the possibilities (usually negative).

A support group is something I've thought about as well as I've been quite the hermit lately with no desire to be social. If you join one, keep us posted!  All the best in your continued healing!

[Kwamina]

Hi again Vatz

I am also very happy to read that it was a better day for you!

The only thing I can really do is continue to work on myself and keep living.

Today is a better day for me. I'm often better when I just submit to the present and just *do.* I think too far ahead, my T says.

I totally agree. That sounds like an excellent plan to me Taking it one step at a time can really help to keep you in the present and prevent yourself from getting overwhelmed. Good that you have a T to help you deal with this. Do you have regular meetings with him/her?

Maybe I should meet with a support group (in person) regularly. Might give me something to look forward to. A group where I can bring these things up and it wouldn't make things awkward.

Having a support group (in person) can be helpful, especially when you feel the need to talk to someone in person about these things. Your T can also be someone to turn to when you need someone to talk to in person. Take care and know that you have a bpdfamily here

[Ihope2]

Hi Vatz, earlier in this thread you wrote "I've talked to my shrink and he noticed that I abhor weakness, especially in myself. I was beaten without end by two older kids when I was little. One of them wasn't going to stop. My dad got outside after a neighbor witnessed it and told him about it. If I was less lucky, I'd be dead. There's a lesson in this. The weak die." 

Something in this just shouts out to me that you didn't have much protection as a kid from those who were meant to protect you.  So your dad had to be informed by a neighbour that hey, by the way, your child is being pummelled to pieces outside by two older children... .And how did he react?  Did he scold you for being such a little loser, a little wussy? 

As a little girl, I obviously wasn't in so much danger to get into physical fights with other children, so I didn't experience that type of trauma. But, I did have a stepfather who was also a bit of a ass.  Actually, he was just a damaged person himself, but he had no proper parenting skills to speak of.  That does a young child a lot of damage.  To be scolded for being hurt, instead of being rescued, defended, understood, comforted and shown warmth and love. My stepfather used to ridicule my sister, brother and I.  He used to belittle us and harp on our weaknesses.  And my mom just let him.  This has had a profound effect on me to this day, and I am 45years of age.  It took me a long time to realise how much pain I was carrying around in side me about feeling so betrayed as a child!

But, once you recognise and acknowledge and give expression to this type of betrayal pain from so long ago, it does eventually lose its intensity. 

And  thoughts of suicide, aren't they the expression of a deep wish to be rid of all the psychological pain that one carries around all the time?  It's ok to want pain to end.  It would be a great pity if there was no other way of easing the pain than ending a life prematurely.  But ultimately it is the most personal choice any of us can make.  I hope you find another way to ease the pain. 

[hergestridge]

I realize this might your darkest hour Vatz, but I think you have something to gain from challenging your world view on every level. Your cosmology involves thoughts that people "deserve" the right to live through various actions and that mental illness happens for a reason. You may think these thoughts are derived from some evolutionary theory, but they're more like wishes for some twisted divine justice that comes from above and cleanses the world of weakness and suffering. The world is not like that. It's full of pain and and struggle. Life is flawed and most people fight all their lives and gain very little.

The thing is - to the depressed and melancholic, it doesn't seem worth it.