Bridge-burners vs. Recyclers

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It sounds like a majority of people on the forums have exes who have returned to their lives off and on. This might be be a mixed blessing depending on the condition of your self-esteem.

As for my ex - she seemed to have no compassion for the people she'd dated prior to me, all of whom she dumped abruptly after getting overwhelmed or scared or "bored." I would ask, ":)o you still communicate with them?" and she'd wrinkle her nose and say No. But I also know that they were good to her and there generally wasn't a lot of drama, other than her being an erratic, unsettled, self-absorbed waif.

But once we'd broken up the final time, despite telling me I was the first man she loved, I knew in my heart I would never hear from her again. I was reduced to Just Another Ex. I had been nothing but nice to her. But my mere existence after the breakup seems like a trigger for her shame. I think deep down she knows how she's treated people and sabotaged relationships. I have to believe on some level, she knows it's highly dysfunctional.

Anyway. The bridge-burner and total lack of silence vs. a crazy ex who resurfaces occasionally. Which is worse?

[divinehammer]

It sounds like a majority of people on the forums have exes who have returned to their lives off and on. This might be be a mixed blessing depending on the condition of your self-esteem.

As for my ex - she seemed to have no compassion for the people she'd dated prior to me, all of whom she dumped abruptly after getting overwhelmed or scared or "bored." I would ask, ":)o you still communicate with them?" and she'd wrinkle her nose and say No. But I also know that they were good to her and there generally wasn't a lot of drama, other than her being an erratic, unsettled, self-absorbed waif.

But once we'd broken up the final time, despite telling me I was the first man she loved, I knew in my heart I would never hear from her again. I was reduced to Just Another Ex. I had been nothing but nice to her. But my mere existence after the breakup seems like a trigger for her shame. I think deep down she knows how she's treated people and sabotaged relationships. I have to believe on some level, she knows it's highly dysfunctional.

Anyway. The bridge-burner and total lack of silence vs. a crazy ex who resurfaces occasionally. Which is worse?

[Blimblam]

I'm not sure what you went through devaluing wise.  My ex sort if dissapeared but was willing to reconnect. Reconnecting after she had left and going through push pull triangulation with no restraints had to be the worst experience if my life. If they just dissapear that would hurt really badly but I put my money on the push pull friendzone dynamics of post break up.

[Deeno02]

 

It sounds like a majority of people on the forums have exes who have returned to their lives off and on. This might be be a mixed blessing depending on the condition of your self-esteem.

As for my ex - she seemed to have no compassion for the people she'd dated prior to me, all of whom she dumped abruptly after getting overwhelmed or scared or "bored." I would ask, ":)o you still communicate with them?" and she'd wrinkle her nose and say No. But I also know that they were good to her and there generally wasn't a lot of drama, other than her being an erratic, unsettled, self-absorbed waif.

But once we'd broken up the final time, despite telling me I was the first man she loved, I knew in my heart I would never hear from her again. I was reduced to Just Another Ex. I had been nothing but nice to her. But my mere existence after the breakup seems like a trigger for her shame. I think deep down she knows how she's treated people and sabotaged relationships. I have to believe on some level, she knows it's highly dysfunctional.

Anyway. The bridge-burner and total lack of silence vs. a crazy ex who resurfaces occasionally. Which is worse?

For my sanity, I hope it's a bridge burner. I really don't want to have anything to do with her. However, as she puts it, once I'm done, I'm done. This from the lady who still stalks her ex husband on FB and Instagram. I was her first guy after her separation/divorce so it was probably doomed anyway. We lasted 16 months and we've been b/u just over 2 months. She had her old college buddy of 20 something years ready to go 2.5 minutes after dumping me. Whatever. I'll save him a spot. So, in short, I don't know what she'll do. I'm going to see her again eventually because she coaches my sons HS volleyball team so who the fu*k knows. The only for sure thing is she can go to hell.

[Mutt]

divinehammer,

I think you got a point with your ex feeling shame and not being able to cope.

I experienced burning bridges because of her maladaptive coping skills ( scorched earth ) followed with the silent treatment afterward because it triggered feelings having to see me.

It's like if you accidently cut someone's arm, it's hard to see them because it triggers feelings of guilt.

[divinehammer]

I've experienced similar things on the soccer field. There was a guy who maliciously tackled me, tore my ACL and then would see me around town on crutches. He always had the weirdest expression on his face when I saw him, total denial, and he basically told mutual friends of ours the whole thing had never happened. The power of Shame was able to transform that aggression into something else. Like a Jedi mind-trick.

I should have seen the red flags early on. I tend to keep in touch with exes, on good terms, as friends, we can joke, and that's always felt healthy. She was a cynical, sour Eastern European girl who did an amazing job acting in those first few months, mirroring me, telling me incredibly intense things, but after 5 months I could tell if I wasn't waiting on her hand and foot, there would be hell to pay. And I could tell from every previous relationship she'd described, the men had been hurt and confused, and few reasons had been given. Each time she'd just announce, "I can't do this, it's over." Scorched earth.

[Mutt]

I've experienced similar things on the soccer field. There was a guy who maliciously tackled me, tore my ACL and then would see me around town on crutches. He always had the weirdest expression on his face when I saw him, total denial, and he basically told mutual friends of ours the whole thing had never happened. The power of Shame was able to transform that aggression into something else. Like a Jedi mind-trick.

I'm sorry that's terrible. It could be Jedi powers or it could be dissociations. Changing reality because he felt guilt.

I should have seen the red flags early on. I tend to keep in touch with exes, on good terms, as friends, we can joke, and that's always felt healthy. She was a cynical, sour Eastern European girl who did an amazing job acting in those first few months, mirroring me, telling me incredibly intense things, but after 5 months I could tell if I wasn't waiting on her hand and foot, there would be hell to pay. And I could tell from every previous relationship she'd described, the men had been hurt and confused, and few reasons had been given. Each time she'd just announce, "I can't do this, it's over." Scorched earth.

A lot of people on this board including me should have seen the red flags. What's important is learning from this experience and grow. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Don't beat yourself up.

[Infern0]

Honestly I'd have rather been bridge burned I think.

I went through a month of hell when she left but I was slowly starting to get better when she reappeared for round 2 which had almost finished me off.

I actually envy the guys and girls on here who were left alone. The recycles do nothing but mess you up even worse.

[thatwasthat]

"Mine" is definitely a bridge burner.

Well. While she was still sinking her hooks in the replacement (which went over quick, she's obviously really good at it,) she was gone.

Couldn't wait to cut all ties as fast as possible. For instance when the attorney sent me the divorce paperwork she called me and I said "Yeah, looks good. But I will have my lawyer have a look into it."

This made her go apesheet.

The following sentence was, even after all the abuse i had endured, one of the worst things a loved one has ever told me. I was shocked (but in the end it helped me detach.) She said:

"Sign it immediately and send the email back or i will destroy your life."

WOW.

Anyways. from what I found out about her... .she definitely keeps tabs on her exes, but doesn't initiate contact once the destruction is finalized.

[letmeout]

Bridge-burner is better; I wouldn't be able to sleep at night thinking my crazy ex is waiting to pounce again.

[Infern0]

Bridge-burner is better; I wouldn't be able to sleep at night thinking my crazy ex is waiting to pounce again.

I deal with that every day and she does it every chance she gets.  Weather it be I hate you,  you ruined my life,  or weather it be you are the love of my life or weather it be I want to sleep with you or I need your help I'm dying.

[thatwasthat]

Bridge-burner is better; I wouldn't be able to sleep at night thinking my crazy ex is waiting to pounce again.

I deal with that every day and she does it every chance she gets.  Weather it be I hate you,  you ruined my life,  or weather it be you are the love of my life or weather it be I want to sleep with you or I need your help I'm dying.

Wow.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Muse be incredibly difficult.

[Tiepje3]

I'm dealing with a 'bridge-burner' so I cannot tell you which is better. For me it's peace and quiet on the one hand, but total surprise and wondering why/what/how and being left with a lot of questions and no closure on the other.

My uBPD/NPDstbxh moved to my country with just one container of stuff (BBQ, car, tools, kitchen utensils and some personal stuff) and now he doesn't even have that, because he has not proposed yet to pick anything up. He's missing out on a r/s with my children, my parents, some mutual friends. He's living in another village now (don't know where). His old friends haven't seen him around anymore. I guess he's reinventing his life and cutting all cords is part of that process.

But at least I have more time to focus on me and my healing process.

Still... .like most people on this board... .I miss him like crazy (or the 'former' him) and I wish he would just contact me and tell me that he misses me too.

[Infern0]

Bridge-burner is better; I wouldn't be able to sleep at night thinking my crazy ex is waiting to pounce again.

I deal with that every day and she does it every chance she gets.  Weather it be I hate you,  you ruined my life,  or weather it be you are the love of my life or weather it be I want to sleep with you or I need your help I'm dying.

Wow.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Muse be incredibly difficult.

Yeah difficult doesn't really cover it tbh. The ending of the relationship was damaging,  the after effects have ruined me.

I see guys on here upset that they weren't recycled,  I compare that to say you get kicked in the nuts and then complaining that they only got kicked in the nuts once.

Be glad and move on, your free.

[Bak86]

Not sure about my ex. She said "done is done". Yes, she never reached out via text/phone etc. And no she never said she wants me back. But when we're at work i always feel a push/pull behavior. Currently she is being nice to me and laughs at everything i say. And im not sure what she wants. I dont think she knows either. It pisses me off. Take me back or leave me the ___ alone

[enlighten me]

Im in a tricky situation as I have two uBPDexs and children with both. The ex wife has painted me white and is always messaging me. The ex has me painted black and seems to be a bridge burner. She said I was the only ex she ever went back to. I think she cannot face her shameful actions so rather than reconnect she keeps moving forward. I have to deal with her weekly over our son but apart from that I avoid all contact. It has been interesting for me yo see the different dynamics between a waif and a queen.

[captainp]

I'm dealing with a 'bridge-burner' so I cannot tell you which is better. For me it's peace and quiet on the one hand, but total surprise and wondering why/what/how and being left with a lot of questions and no closure on the other.

Wow, I wish that all I was left with was questions and no closure.  My exBPDgf is a bridge-burner, but she is getting way out of control with it, and it's pretty scary.  She sent me a bunch of accusatory text messages, and then filed a police report when I responded claiming that I was harassing her.  She is currently engaged in a distortion/smear campaign against me with every mutual acquaintance we have.  It's kind of disheartening to hear every nice deed you did for someone being twisted into something awful. 

She already knew I didn't want to talk to her again.  I don't understand the need to take things to this level. 

I just want this girl to go away and let me go on with my life.  This is turning into a ___ing nightmare.  We broke up 3 weeks ago, and I'm over it.  I don't know why she has to keep going. 

[Blimblam]

Im in a tricky situation as I have two uBPDexs and children with both. The ex wife has painted me white and is always messaging me. The ex has me painted black and seems to be a bridge burner. She said I was the only ex she ever went back to. I think she cannot face her shameful actions so rather than reconnect she keeps moving forward. I have to deal with her weekly over our son but apart from that I avoid all contact. It has been interesting for me yo see the different dynamics between a waif and a queen.

Wait which is the waif and which the queen?  And who tugged at your heart strings deeper and devestated you the most?

[enlighten me]

The ex wife is the waif. Hard to say who did the most damage. The ex gf was my first love from over twenty years ago. Every woman since was compared to her. I was devalued over time so when I left it was a relief but has left me with a lifetime of false memories. The ex wife left without warning so was more of a shock.

[guy4caligirl]

I'm dealing with a 'bridge-burner' so I cannot tell you which is better. For me it's peace and quiet on the one hand, but total surprise and wondering why/what/how and being left with a lot of questions and no closure on the other.

My uBPD/NPDstbxh moved to my country with just one container of stuff (BBQ, car, tools, kitchen utensils and some personal stuff) and now he doesn't even have that, because he has not proposed yet to pick anything up. He's missing out on a r/s with my children, my parents, some mutual friends. He's living in another village now (don't know where). His old friends haven't seen him around anymore. I guess he's reinventing his life and cutting all cords is part of that process.

But at least I have more time to focus on me and my healing process.

Still... .like most people on this board... .I miss him like crazy (or the 'former' him) and I wish he would just contact me and tell me that he misses me too.

[guy4caligirl]

Hi to ease your pain , I went through this pain of asking why did she do that for or how could she cut me off in such a brutal way after 5 years RS and 4 months gone .

No one knows what's going in their head all  I know that "why " is actually a painful process to endure , in my opinion most of the time when they find a replacement that quick , is to get rid of us quick ,they do that cause they have no conscience but we nones don't use this method of rebounding because we can't , simply we are normal and  have dignity and must go through this  nasty process of grieving , not fair they are criminals towards our emotions !

[Blimblam]

The ex wife is the waif. Hard to say who did the most damage. The ex gf was my first love from over twenty years ago. Every woman since was compared to her. I was devalued over time so when I left it was a relief but has left me with a lifetime of false memories. The ex wife left without warning so was more of a shock.

Ah I see.  My ex was a waif my first ex was borderline also.  The waif got to me though like nothing ever.  She was so kind so compassionate so giving like to a level I couldn't help but fall in love with.  I think if she didn't have the disorder she would be an extremely sensitive. Kind person but she just got traumatized.

[Deeno02]

Hi to ease your pain , I went through this pain of asking why did she do that for or how could she cut me off in such a brutal way after 5 years RS and 4 months gone .

No one knows what's going in their head all  I know that "why " is actually a painful process to endure , in my opinion most of the time when they find a replacement that quick , is to get rid of us quick ,they do that cause they have no conscience but we nones don't use this method of rebounding because we can't , simply we are normal and  have dignity and must go through this  nasty process of grieving , not fair they are criminals towards our emotions !

Guy, how true. That is probably the biggest thing I have a problem with and, leads to the other parts of my problem with this, the ruminations of her and him. Its ths SPEED with which I was replaced, mere days. I feel bad for her kids because literally I was there one day, hes there a couple days later. Nons are nog so innocent either when it comes to this, but overall, we mourn the loss of a relationship. Its amazing how BPD'ers are so quick  with this. Its been over 2 months and i still cant wrap my head around it.

[enlighten me]

Its because she had already devalued you long before ending it. Thats why it seems so quick. They have already mourned the loss of the relationship so appear to move on more quickly.

[Deeno02]

Its because she had already devalued you long before ending it. Thats why it seems so quick. They have already mourned the loss of the relationship so appear to move on more quickly.

I see. That explains her oh so kind words of "I should have ended this in May when I wanted to" this was said to me in September... .nice...

[guy4caligirl]

I totally agree with that she did that a year ago while still lived with me when the opportunity came available to her a nice gay guy a friend of hers opened the door to give her a roof over her head ,  then a miracle happened to her as she said when she got there and he said I don't know if I can let you stay my boyfriend is not aware yet about you moving in ,that happened while a friend of her friend was also present at that moment  seeing her disappointed so he offered her she can stay with him instead if she wants and not to worry he will be there for her !

(she is gorgeous Why not ?He must have been lonely and watching porn )  that's how she found my replacement 3 days after she left .

But she still says she's living at her friend's house not my replacement and wanting me to help with her with her bills as she doesn't have a dime to her name . 

She denied that she was in a relation until 4 days ago , but I knew that she was from that third day she was gone .she went NC ST quick.

I am I say done but ,I told her two days ago I am no longer in love with you nor love you leave me alone .

[fred6]

I see guys on here upset that they weren't recycled,  I compare that to say you get kicked in the nuts and then complaining that they only got kicked in the nuts once.

Be glad and move on, your free.

I think for us non's bridge burners and recyclers have their own different set of problems that they cause for us. Bridge burners open up a whole different can of worms to deal with. They make you think that they never cared about you at all. They make you feel like a total piece of $hit not worthy of a call just to see if you are doing OK. With recyclers, even if the recycle doesn't work out, at least you can say that you gave it another try. They make it seem like they care, they came back to some extent. I think that recyclers give more a sense of closure, but that second chance comes with a price.

I don't think that I'm upset that I didn't get a recycle. For me, it's just the fact that a person that I shared a bed with for 3 years won't even talk to me, even though I didn't do anything wrong to warrant that kind of treatment. So I wouldn't say that one is worse than the other, I think that they each present their own unique set of obstacles for us to overcome.

[Sandman1881]

I have a no contact order against her. I'm in month 2 out. I don't know what to think. I took away her ability to triangulate. She had been working her new man for some time and I was in complete denial.

Mine did try to take my life in the end with a suffocation attempt on my last night in "her" apartment. If I didn't file those charges, if there were no OP in place, I would be the third leg.

Glad I got out, but you know sometimes when you get off of an amusement ride and you feel like your still on it? Well that's me right now. Having trouble finding my way because I was looking for someone to direct (run) my life and man I sure did find her. I knew something wasn't right, but I had no idea it was this. Very powerful stuff.

[Deeno02]

I see guys on here upset that they weren't recycled,  I compare that to say you get kicked in the nuts and then complaining that they only got kicked in the nuts once.

Be glad and move on, your free.

I think for us non's bridge burners and recyclers have their own different set of problems that they cause for us. Bridge burners open up a whole different can of worms to deal with. They make you think that they never cared about you at all. They make you feel like a total piece of $hit not worthy of a call just to see if you are doing OK. With recyclers, even if the recycle doesn't work out, at least you can say that you gave it another try. They make it seem like they care, they came back to some extent. I think that recyclers give more a sense of closure, but that second chance comes with a price.

I don't think that I'm upset that I didn't get a recycle. For me, it's just the fact that a person that I shared a bed with for 3 years won't even talk to me, even though I didn't do anything wrong to warrant that kind of treatment. So I wouldn't say that one is worse than the other, I think that they each present their own unique set of obstacles for us to overcome.

Im not upset about a recycle. I pray I never get one. But your right about the feeling of not being worthy after being dumped by a bridge burner type. But, yet again, Im only 2 months into b/u and shes still in honeymoon phase. I will be honest. Im scared to death of a recycle attempt down the line. I really am. I have my sons VB season coming up and im afraid. I look a hell of alot better now and definitely better than the bald ass replacement. I dont want to be on her radar anymore... .ever

[Deeno02]

I have a no contact order against her. I'm in month 2 out. I don't know what to think. I took away her ability to triangulate. She had been working her new man for some time and I was in complete denial.

Mine did try to take my life in the end with a suffocation attempt on my last night in "her" apartment. If I didn't file those charges, if there were no OP in place, I would be the third leg.

Glad I got out, but you know sometimes when you get off of an amusement ride and you feel like your still on it? Well that's me right now. Having trouble finding my way because I was looking for someone to direct (run) my life and man I sure did find her. I knew something wasn't right, but I had no idea it was this. Very powerful stuff.

You are so right. I didnt know anything about BPD until after being dumped. Valuable lesson for sure... .painful as well.

[Earthbayne]

I'm a bridge burner myself, so I'd rather her be that way. I don't think that's going to happen long-term though. It's been two weeks and I am dreading the moment she'll contact me again for whatever reason.

Last time we "broke up" in August, she waited 5 days. Wrote a long email and convinced me to try. I warned her it was our last shot at it. I think the ultimatum started the devaluing. Shortly after I noticed her activity with text messages started increasing. I think she was ready to swing on over to the next person.

My problem is knowing that I KNOW that it won't be permanent. I think there's a 10% chance of it. I don't want to deal with it. But if it happens, I hope I am ready.