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Author Topic: Did your ex hurt you in order to feel good herself?  (Read 1234 times)
OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #30 on: November 17, 2014, 10:49:52 AM »

Mine was both, too.  On one hand, she would intentionally hurt me and enjoy watching me suffer.  On the other hand, she was clueless to how much she hurt me and others.  The first was like a compulsion for her.  She even described it that way... .like she "has to" punish me... .punish me for, in her mind, not completely satisfying her black-hole of neediness and thereby wounding her beyond toleration.  The second was just part of her projection, I believe.  :)o cruel and insensitive things to others, but turn it around like they are just overly-sensitive when they are hurt by it.  Truly amazing the kinds of damage these people cause, and they will never change.
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« Reply #31 on: November 17, 2014, 10:54:11 AM »

Excerpt
In their mind it is always an eye for an eye

My wife says this often to me... .  It is eye for eye .

I have said lets start for forgiveness.  She says  'it hurts to much to forgive you because I do not want to be hurt again.  How can you prove to me you won't hurt me again'.   I don't know how to respond to that.   
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« Reply #32 on: November 17, 2014, 10:55:54 AM »

I didn't mean to imply that these actions are not associated with BPD - I was trying to say that more than just pwBPD do these things.

Could be Transference involved (the inappropriate repetition in the present of a relationship that was important in a person's childhood). My Ex said in the end that I reminded her of her father (the pain of emotional abandonment). For my part, I did detach from her emotionally, because her anger and emotional immaturity reminded me of my mother. So my dysfunctional coping mechanism was avoidance. In doing this, I caused her pain. I'm not BPD, even if I do have some fleas. I don't remember consciously doing it; it was just an ingrained survival mechanism.
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« Reply #33 on: November 17, 2014, 11:01:12 AM »

Mine was both, too.  On one hand, she would intentionally hurt me and enjoy watching me suffer.  On the other hand, she was clueless to how much she hurt me and others.  The first was like a compulsion for her.  She even described it that way... .like she "has to" punish me... .punish me for, in her mind, not completely satisfying her black-hole of neediness and thereby wounding her beyond toleration.  The second was just part of her projection, I believe.  :)o cruel and insensitive things to others, but turn it around like they are just overly-sensitive when they are hurt by it.  Truly amazing the kinds of damage these people cause, and they will never change.

Well mine would never admit to trying to hurt me and when I accused him of this he turned it around, like I was over sensitive and he was a saint.  He pretended to be such a sensitive guy in what he said but what he did was entirely different.  He even told me on our 5th date (first time we were intimate) that "he would never hurt me"... .which I found to be an extremely odd thing to say.  Like he was going to be my protector or something.  Which is ironic considering I needed protection from only one person - him!

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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #34 on: November 17, 2014, 11:02:11 AM »

Excerpt
I have said lets start for forgiveness.  She says  'it hurts to much to forgive you because I do not want to be hurt again.  How can you prove to me you won't hurt me again'.   I don't know how to respond to that.  

That's the impossible trap of it all.  You could accidentally pass gas in her direction, and if it struck her in that particular moment as some kind of rejection or indication that you don't care, it will be like you scarred her for life.  You can run around in circles for years trying to make up for your "wrong" and trying to explain how you weren't rejecting her... .all to no avail.  

In marriage, we say vows to each other because we *know* the other person will let us down, and we will let them down, too.  That doesn't really work in a pwBPD's universe, though.  Nothing was enough for my ex wife.  I always felt like a deer in headlights, waiting for when those headlights meant I was being run over again.  That was a terrible, terrible way to live, and I have to remind myself of that every time I start getting that "deer-in-headlights" fear about what crazy problem she is going to invent as we try to co-parent our children.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #35 on: November 17, 2014, 11:15:41 AM »

Excerpt
He even told me on our 5th date (first time we were intimate) that "he would never hurt me"... .which I found to be an extremely odd thing to say.  Like he was going to be my protector or something.  Which is ironic considering I needed protection from only one person - him!

My ex said something similar.  She was going to "protect" me from all the bad things that ever happened to her, since I was so "innocent" and "pure."  The irony is that, in some form, she did everything that ever happened to her to me.  She realized this during one of our divorce attempts.  She had a lucid moment and realized how things had turned out the opposite of what she originally pledged.
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« Reply #36 on: November 17, 2014, 11:33:35 AM »

One thing I noticed was that when I was upset she seemed happy and when I was happy she was upset.

This.

It seemed she loved me the most, when I was at my worst.
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« Reply #37 on: November 17, 2014, 12:22:42 PM »

I did notice if I was really happy about something it wouldn't take long for my BPDxgf to either start an argument or have a crisis of her own to take the attention away from me. 

I don't know if  she didn't want me to be happy or if it was she wasn't getting attention focused on her.  I prefer to think it was attention based because of her needs to be 'the center of attention' rather than wanting me to be unhappy.  I don't think they really think like that more than they feel empty pretty quickly if they are not getting 100% attention 24/7.

I got two new jobs in the last 15 months. She was still stuck at hers. When I got job #2, I was actually afraid to tell her, and for good reason. She actually got MAD that I had gotten Job #2 by then and said it wasn't fair.

Like others, she was at her best when I was at my worst.

Sick part was that sometimes during arguments, if I shifted the scope to something else happening to me that was BAD, she would forget the argument and then seem happy to be there for me... .but she wasn't being supportive, she was just glad I was in a crappy situation.
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« Reply #38 on: November 17, 2014, 01:02:12 PM »

why don't you just feel my happiness sweetheart?

This is where I was much of the time. Knowing she was uncomfortable, upset, worried, whatever, when I usually wasn't, I shared my better moods with her and offered to do so any time. Sometimes she took me up on it. More often tore me down, changed the overall feel of things, and disappeared. You would think a chance at something better would be like an antidote, but it was more like extra poison. Such a strange disorder.
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« Reply #39 on: November 17, 2014, 01:08:33 PM »

My BPx ‘hurt me’ in order to lessen my credibility.  Realizing she’s deeply messed up PD traits she seemed compelled to bring me down to her level.  And, she appeared to have enjoyed the company!
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« Reply #40 on: November 17, 2014, 01:45:24 PM »

It is usually only when I have been completely broken down - by her anger, her silence, by the loneliness, rage, belittling- that she will stop "squeezing my throat".   

As I have been better at not being affected by all the above (able to hold my breath longer)... .it just drags the process out longer (days have turned into weeks).  Because she has more stamina than i do.  That is she can inflict the pain longer than I can take it.

Then in the end... .I feel lousy and she feels better.   
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #41 on: November 17, 2014, 01:57:36 PM »

It is usually only when I have been completely broken down - by her anger, her silence, by the loneliness, rage, belittling- that she will stop "squeezing my throat".   

As I have been better at not being affected by all the above (able to hold my breath longer)... .it just drags the process out longer (days have turned into weeks).  Because she has more stamina than i do.  That is she can inflict the pain longer than I can take it.

Then in the end... .I feel lousy and she feels better.   

That describes how I feel. He is oblivious and in his own little world while I am on the sidelines trying to get his attention. It is only after I have snapped and acted like a crazy woman that he will say or do anything. And then, it is usually this really pathetic "oh I deserved it" or "I didn't realize you were hurting." I am not one to tip toe around stuff. I tend to be pretty direct so I have a really difficult time believing that he just didn't know. I tend to think that he just doesn't care. And when I walk away from it all, I feel like the a$$hole.

Like somebody (Skip I think) said further up in the thread, it adds a whole knew dimension when you think somebody that you love can deliberately hurt you. Maybe I am delusional and am being naive but I don't think he is doing things deliberately.
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« Reply #42 on: November 17, 2014, 02:18:46 PM »

Excerpt
e is oblivious and in his own little world while I am on the sidelines trying to get his attention. It is only after I have snapped... .Then I feel like the a$$hole

Dittos  Vortex. 



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Sluggo
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« Reply #43 on: November 17, 2014, 02:24:33 PM »

Excerpt
And when I walk away from it all, I feel like the a$$hole.

then it seems like I should be the one to apologize because I snapped.  I end up apologizing for my reaction and she says better not happen again with no thought or understanding what I went through to get to that point of snapping.   
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« Reply #44 on: November 17, 2014, 02:34:25 PM »

then it seems like I should be the one to apologize because I snapped.  I end up apologizing for my reaction and she says better not happen again with no thought or understanding what I went through to get to that point of snapping.   

yes, that's a common experience here.

i didn't have the skills i might have learned at this site, during my marriage. it's not that i would have said anything different, but i would have said it differently. i was, without knowing it, setting boundaries. but why was i so uncomfortable doing that? how do we state out interests without becoming embroiled in their emotional mishegas?
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« Reply #45 on: November 17, 2014, 04:13:45 PM »

Well, my husband just left me, so I'm still processing all this. I lived with the awareness that he liked to hurt me. He even liked to hurt me physically during sex. Once, he threw how I'd been date raped in my face during an argument. I wish I'd never told him. His therapist told him that was a "low blow", but I'm sure that made it even more enjoyable to him.

He's justified hurting me physically too. So much for those hollow apologies. Now, he's playing noble, like he has left me because of how badly he treats me. I don't buy it. Other times he said things like "I notice other beautiful women lately", and "I don't want to have to worry about your feelings". For two years he actually said "I don't care about your feelings, and keep your blank blank opinions to yourself". I should have left right then.

Does this ever stop hurting? Why is it so hard for me to not text him? I tried radical acceptance, he was diagnosed, but I wanted to make it work, but really never got a chance because only I expended any effort. I wish I'd never met him.
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« Reply #46 on: November 17, 2014, 04:23:15 PM »

Vortex of Confusion:

Like you, I didn't want to think my husband was doing this stuff on purpose, but I fully believe now, that he was. Also like you, I was pretty direct, not one to make a guy guess, and am a straight shooter. I'll be tactful, and mindful of feelings, but I'm honest, and always want to work things out, so they don't keep happening. He was unable to do that, because he was unable to have a civil conversation most times. It just ramped up his rage/dyregulation.

He vented, was angry, was blaming, and several times physical, and often aggressive, just because after he blows, HE felt better. I think part of why he left, other than due to his three PD adult daughters(those apples didn't fall far from the tree), is because he doesn't really want to face what his is. He's been diagnosed, is on meds, but I'm sure he'll lie to the next victim, just like he did me. I was willing to stay, radically accept what he couldn't change, but he just wanted out, because I wasn't letting him blame the mental issue on me. HIS shrink didn't diagnose ME with anything, and it burst his little bubble.

People with bad borderline behaviors, or antisocial behaviors, just seem to need a person to unload their angst on. As sad as I am, I'm hoping that after a while, I see that it's a trade off. I'm sad to lose him, because I love him, but I'm no longer in daily fear or torment, although being left in itself is always hard.
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antelope
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« Reply #47 on: November 17, 2014, 04:33:42 PM »

I lived with the awareness that he liked to hurt me.

^^start your detachment/healing with this statement... .is that what you really meant to say, or, as hard as it may be to admit it, maybe you were actually trying to say:

"I feel I deserve to be punished."

after we spend months and then years in these dysfunctional scenarios, the relationship really becomes about us, and what we are running away from by staying enmeshed in such bizarre and destructive behavior.

someone f&cks you over once, twice, five times... .ok

but after years and hundreds of episodes of twisted, rude, hurtful, deceptive behavior, the issue isn't them anymore, but why we choose to tolerate it, and why we believe we can fix it

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« Reply #48 on: November 17, 2014, 04:47:57 PM »

Oce we get a sense that our partner or parent is willing to intentionally hurt us... .it really changes things.

Spot on... .This is what did it for me. I went through a lot of abuse but didn't end it. Because what she was doing was not clearly malicious. She was just very sensitive - that is how I 'd put it without pathologising her - and I did truly love her. She had some wonderful qualities - she was artistic, spiritual, adventurous, passionate. We share some of these qualities and in that sense made a good match so I hung in there. Now that I have a clear head I can see that it was not all mirroring as some post in these forum (incl myself in the early days when my wounds were sore).

So I put up with it... .however, it was only after we had an argument and I saw her looking at me with a sadistic smile pleased that a misfortune had befallen me, that I ended things. She was pleased with my suffering. I realised that this person is not my friend. This person - or at least the person that she was that day - hates me.  I couldn't stay with her after that. I left, went NC all the way and never turned back.

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« Reply #49 on: November 17, 2014, 05:06:26 PM »

Antelope:

Never for a minute, did I ever think I deserved how he treated me. Which is why we fought. He wanted me to just take it, be totally passive. I came into this relationship, with strong boundaries, and good self esteem. If he'd valued me half as highly as I value myself, or my feelings, we wouldn't be in this predicament.

That's not something you can expect with a fullblown, untreated BPD though. They don't care what YOU think of yourself, it's all based on their projection, and their skewed perception of you, even if it's not fact based. His world was based on his own chosen reality, and nothing I could say, or do would change that. He'd take totally GOOD things I did, and look for some nefarious motive, purpose, or turn it into the complete opposite. After a while, I just let him think what he wanted, because he was going to anyway. After a while, you have to learn to save yourself.

I'm a nice person, who is kind, caring, understanding, and accepting of others. In the end, it was him who couldn't accept me. I accepted his personality disorder, but he couldn't accept that I could never be exactly what he wanted, or fix what felt broken inside himself. He wanted to be totally selfish, and in relationships, that just doesn't work out very well.
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« Reply #50 on: November 17, 2014, 05:14:48 PM »

Never for a minute, did I ever think I deserved how he treated me. Which is why we fought. He wanted me to just take it, be totally passive. I came into this relationship, with strong boundaries, and good self esteem. If he'd valued me half as highly as I value myself, or my feelings, we wouldn't be in this predicament.

That's not something you can expect with a fullblown, untreated BPD though. They don't care what YOU think of yourself, it's all based on their projection, and their skewed perception of you, even if it's not fact based. His world was based on his own chosen reality, and nothing I could say, or do would change that. He'd take totally GOOD things I did, and look for some nefarious motive, purpose, or turn it into the complete opposite. After a while, I just let him think what he wanted, because he was going to anyway. After a while, you have to learn to save yourself.

I'm a nice person, who is kind, caring, understanding, and accepting of others. In the end, it was him who couldn't accept me. I accepted his personality disorder, but he couldn't accept that I could never be exactly what he wanted, or fix what felt broken inside himself. He wanted to be totally selfish, and in relationships, that just doesn't work out very well.

Thank you so much for this Cerulean blue! I needed to hear this today.
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« Reply #51 on: November 17, 2014, 05:41:13 PM »

Antelope:

Never for a minute, did I ever think I deserved how he treated me. Which is why we fought. He wanted me to just take it, be totally passive. I came into this relationship, with strong boundaries, and good self esteem. If he'd valued me half as highly as I value myself, or my feelings, we wouldn't be in this predicament.

That's not something you can expect with a fullblown, untreated BPD though. They don't care what YOU think of yourself, it's all based on their projection, and their skewed perception of you, even if it's not fact based. His world was based on his own chosen reality, and nothing I could say, or do would change that. He'd take totally GOOD things I did, and look for some nefarious motive, purpose, or turn it into the complete opposite. After a while, I just let him think what he wanted, because he was going to anyway. After a while, you have to learn to save yourself.

I'm a nice person, who is kind, caring, understanding, and accepting of others. In the end, it was him who couldn't accept me. I accepted his personality disorder, but he couldn't accept that I could never be exactly what he wanted, or fix what felt broken inside himself. He wanted to be totally selfish, and in relationships, that just doesn't work out very well.

yeah, as Ive mentioned before of the snarky digs at me, couldnt do anything right. Couldnt plan, didnt plan enough and so on. My biggest regret was allowing her to say bad stuff about my daughter and then stand there and ask if i had a problem with it. Her and her toxic neighbor  (both who have daughters) calked my daughter a cock block(not to her face, just among them and their friends)and i did nothing. Nothing.
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« Reply #52 on: November 17, 2014, 09:55:16 PM »

Deeno02:

Does this sound familiar. My husband would let his daughters say horrible things to my face, and did nothing. In an effort to make peace, I did a therapy session with his daughter, and she was absolutely hateful, he sat and did nothing. His therapist had to come right out and tell him that his daughter "acted crappy" to your wife, but he didn't care. Of course he didn't care. The day we got married, his other daughter called hours after we got married, saying awful things about me, and all he could manage was "I'm so sorry you feel that way, daughter". My therapist said, in the Catholic church(I'm not catholic), that would probably be grounds for annulment. His daughter was saying "she'll ruin your life", "you are making a bad choice"... .blah, blah... .all because they'd gotten mad at me over nothing.


They knew of their Dad's anger issues, and he's now diagnosed PD, and has put me through hell, so WHO is the one who should have regrets? ME! We put up, and shut up, like you did with your wife, because we fear all hell will break loose if we defend others or ourselves. I learned to just take the hatefulness that his kids flung my way, but I simmered with loathing of them under the surface. They are mean, vengeful, and personality disordered, I'm sure, just like their parents. They can have their not so nice, dysfunctional family back. I'm hurting, but I know I'm better off.
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« Reply #53 on: November 17, 2014, 10:04:52 PM »

In my BPDh's words: "I'm gonna make you suffer"

He doesn't want me to be happy. Misery loves company
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« Reply #54 on: November 18, 2014, 05:12:14 AM »

Deeno02:

Does this sound familiar. My husband would let his daughters say horrible things to my face, and did nothing. In an effort to make peace, I did a therapy session with his daughter, and she was absolutely hateful, he sat and did nothing. His therapist had to come right out and tell him that his daughter "acted crappy" to your wife, but he didn't care. Of course he didn't care. The day we got married, his other daughter called hours after we got married, saying awful things about me, and all he could manage was "I'm so sorry you feel that way, daughter". My therapist said, in the Catholic church(I'm not catholic), that would probably be grounds for annulment. His daughter was saying "she'll ruin your life", "you are making a bad choice"... .blah, blah... .all because they'd gotten mad at me over nothing.


They knew of their Dad's anger issues, and he's now diagnosed PD, and has put me through hell, so WHO is the one who should have regrets? ME! We put up, and shut up, like you did with your wife, because we fear all hell will break loose if we defend others or ourselves. I learned to just take the hatefulness that his kids flung my way, but I simmered with loathing of them under the surface. They are mean, vengeful, and personality disordered, I'm sure, just like their parents. They can have their not so nice, dysfunctional family back. I'm hurting, but I know I'm better off.

Thank god I never married that person. I couldn't even imagine what you went through. My daughter and her were like mother and daughter... .until my daughter moved back home from college to attend a closer college. I think my gf was jealous of my daughter taking time away from my gf. Hence the beginning of her anger towards my daughter and I.
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« Reply #55 on: November 18, 2014, 05:23:45 AM »

Antelope:

Never for a minute, did I ever think I deserved how he treated me. Which is why we fought. He wanted me to just take it, be totally passive. I came into this relationship, with strong boundaries, and good self esteem. If he'd valued me half as highly as I value myself, or my feelings, we wouldn't be in this predicament.

That's not something you can expect with a fullblown, untreated BPD though. They don't care what YOU think of yourself, it's all based on their projection, and their skewed perception of you, even if it's not fact based. His world was based on his own chosen reality, and nothing I could say, or do would change that. He'd take totally GOOD things I did, and look for some nefarious motive, purpose, or turn it into the complete opposite. After a while, I just let him think what he wanted, because he was going to anyway. After a while, you have to learn to save yourself.

I'm a nice person, who is kind, caring, understanding, and accepting of others. In the end, it was him who couldn't accept me. I accepted his personality disorder, but he couldn't accept that I could never be exactly what he wanted, or fix what felt broken inside himself. He wanted to be totally selfish, and in relationships, that just doesn't work out very well.

EXACTLY... .
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