Did your ex hurt you in order to feel good herself?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've noticed my ex could never let me be happy for too long, she seemed to be in a state of power whenever I was in pain, she once even admitted that she liked the reaction she got off me when she caused me pain, and one time she even flat out said, "I want to hurt you, I want you to feel pain"

[bungenstein]

I've noticed my ex could never let me be happy for too long, she seemed to be in a state of power whenever I was in pain, she once even admitted that she liked the reaction she got off me when she caused me pain, and one time she even flat out said, "I want to hurt you, I want you to feel pain"

[Turkish]

When my Ex was at her emotional baseline, I asked her what she was thinking when she was acting out in anger. She said, "I just want everyone else to feel my pain."

From a moral standpoint, that didn't compute with me, but it made sense. It goes back to my values differing from hers.

[Pingo]

Interesting, maybe so.  Never really thought of it that way.  Mine was really intent on ruining many things for me, such as much needed vacations, Christmas, time with my friends, etc.  I hadn't seen my daughter for 10 mths and was so excited when she was coming home and he acted so miserable the entire time after she arrived, he really wanted to ruin it for me I think.  I even begged him, could he please just let me enjoy her but nope, he just couldn't do it.  Picked her apart, everything she said or did, it was awful.  I think mine was more bc he was jealous of me having a good time, especially with others.  Sick.

[fromheeltoheal]

"I just want everyone else to feel my pain."

Mine said that too and at first I thought it was mean, but after a while I came to realize she was looking for connection.  She knew something was 'off' with her and didn't know what, felt that no one understood, and if someone could just meet her at her pain there'd be a connection, at last.  It's lonely inside that disorder.  Of course, why don't you just feel my happiness sweetheart?  Not an option.

[CareTaker]

Mine tried her best to ruin and spite everything in my life. All that mattered was that I always give her what she demanded.

Our first evening with my friends she got upset about a little joke on her, and spent the rest of the evening ignoring every one. My birthdays where ruined. My last birthday with her this year, she broke up a day before just because I never gave her money to have her hair done.

Our weekends away always ended up in a huge fight over something stupid.

Geez, why did I stick around for 3 years. These people are seriously sick, and I have had such great relationships in my life. Why waste this time with this monster?

[Infern0]

One thing I noticed was that when I was upset she seemed happy and when I was happy she was upset.

It rarely was a case of us both being happy. And obviously I could never go to her for support if I was having a tough time of it so I'd bury my pain and put on a brave face so I could support her better.  But she'd push buttons until I couldn't keep up the act.

[Aussie0zborn]

Mine said almost those exact same words. "I want you to feel what I feel". And yes, she was referring to the pain and agony she was suffering.

When a medical test showed she would need at least two operations, she said, "Why me. Why me and not you?" I couldn't believe it. She justified it by saying, " I only eat healthy foods and you eat McDonalds three times a day".

I explained that nobody wishes an operation upon anyone and it's not my fault her condition was hereditary (thanks, Mom). It seems than whatever they feel has to be imparted to their victim.

PS : Since separation, I stopped eating McDonalds just to spite her. Hehe. Just the thought of eating McD now makes me sick.

[Infern0]

Mine said almost those exact same words. "I want you to feel what I feel". And yes, she was referring to the pain and agony she was suffering.

When a medical test showed she would need at least two operations, she said, "Why me. Why me and not you?" I couldn't believe it. She justified it by saying, " I only eat healthy foods and you eat McDonalds three times a day".

I explained that nobody wishes an operation upon anyone and it's not my fault her condition was hereditary (thanks, Mom). It seems than whatever they feel has to be imparted to their victim.

PS : Since separation, I stopped eating McDonalds just to spite her. Hehe. Just the thought of eating McD now makes me sick.

It's funny you mention mcdonalds,  when I was with mine the stress caused me to lose my appetite to the point where the only thing I could stomach was a big Mac at lunch,  which I only ate to get some calories in. McDonald's saved my life

[CareTaker]

I lost about 10kg in 3 years. I was really starting to show signs of serious physical sickness.

Now all that has changed. I date, go to gym, sleep well and live a good life. Nothing nicer than having ME back again. No more demands I must meet, fights, and pressure.

This life is just too good to waste.

[Infared]

I am certain that my ex "got off" on causing me pain after she was sure that she had the safety of the new supply. They both did many cruel things (quite immature as well) in public to try and hurt me emotionally. I was usually alone or with new (not mutual) friends, totally minding my own business. The look of total power and enjoyment on their faces was kind of hard to miss.  Very sick stuff.

[Blimblam]

My ex told me she treated others how she wanted to be treated. I realized this sort of applied to when she treated me badly.  It began with her rebelling against me like i was a controlling father.  I didn't get sucked into that and pointed it out to her.  But by not taking the role of persecuter she just found enabling friends (rescuers) and assumed that role herself. 

[Pieter2]

I do not think it is pain per se, rather it is about control and punishment. They have an uncanny lust for revenge and this together with the controlling behaviour means that they have to inflict pain on you to control you and also to punish you for all the "wrongs" you did to them.

[Aussie0zborn]

I am certain that my ex "got off" on causing me pain after she was sure that she had the safety of the new supply.

Wow. My ex did the same thing. During the most god-awful devaluation I didn't know she had already lined up the next guy but I remember thinking, "wow she must be standing on some pretty broad shoulders to be doing that to me".  I knew there was an explosion coming... .I just didn't know how big.

[Blimblam]

A lot of the dynamics of this are covered in transactional analysis, where I believe the karpman drama triangle comes from, and I think is worth investigating.

[Infared]

I do not think it is pain per se, rather it is about control and punishment. They have an uncanny lust for revenge and this together with the controlling behaviour means that they have to inflict pain on you to control you and also to punish you for all the "wrongs" you did to them.

Yes... .yes... that is what I "think" that I experienced. 

[freedom33]

I've noticed my ex could never let me be happy for too long, she seemed to be in a state of power whenever I was in pain, she once even admitted that she liked the reaction she got off me when she caused me pain, and one time she even flat out said, "I want to hurt you, I want you to feel pain"

My ex said "Borderline people hurt others because they want to make them feel how they feel... ." In their mind it is always an eye for an eye. I read something some time ago about Talionic rage that explains this. I think A.J. Mahari has written something about it.

[CareTaker]

I do not think it is pain per se, rather it is about control and punishment. They have an uncanny lust for revenge and this together with the controlling behaviour means that they have to inflict pain on you to control you and also to punish you for all the "wrongs" you did to them.

Very true words. It was scary the amount of pain my ex carried with her on a daily basis. And the extremes she would go to, just to hurt me and spite me. If I did something wrong in her eyes, or never lived up to one of her unreasonable demands, expect revenge.

I think her greatest revenge is replacing me, yet I never made contact after walking out. Realizing she has a speech prepared just for me. I will not give her that satisfaction.

[Infared]

I do not think it is pain per se, rather it is about control and punishment. They have an uncanny lust for revenge and this together with the controlling behaviour means that they have to inflict pain on you to control you and also to punish you for all the "wrongs" you did to them.

Very true words. It was scary the amount of pain my ex carried with her on a daily basis. And the extremes she would go to, just to hurt me and spite me. If I did something wrong in her eyes, or never lived up to one of her unreasonable demands, expect revenge.

I think her greatest revenge is replacing me, yet I never made contact after walking out. Realizing she has a speech prepared just for me. I will not give her that satisfaction.

Yes... I believe this is what I experienced, too. I think getting the replacement was revenge for who knows what? Just being in a relationship with her I guess? It could have been faux revenge as that card was just played to justify her infidelity and a role to act out making me the villian and him the new knight in shining armor for the poor, poor victim.

[whirlpoollife]

I do not think it is pain per se, rather it is about control and punishment. They have an uncanny lust for revenge and this together with the controlling behaviour means that they have to inflict pain on you to control you and also to punish you for all the "wrongs" you did to them.

Yep and was one of the fears of divorcing h.  He has a lust for revenge.

[vortex of confusion]

I had a different experience. I feel like mine is and was so self absorbed that he is oblivious to any pain that he may cause. He doesn't feel good or bad about it as it is not about him. I remember telling him one time that I was at the end of my rope and was thinking dark thoughts. He seemed totally non-plussed by it. I did want him to feel what I was feeling, not to make me feel good but to get some kind of validation since he has a penchant for invalidating pretty much anything. I wonder if some of them are simply looking for validation so they don't feel quite so crazy.

In my case, my husband is too self centered to notice whether or not he is causing other people pain. His only concern is himself and what he is feeling and wanting. If I were to say, "Stop, it hurts" his response would be, "It wasn't that bad" or "I didn't realize it" or some other BS response to completely avoid any kind of responsibility for the pain he was causing. It is all about him.

[Raybo48]

I did notice if I was really happy about something it wouldn't take long for my BPDxgf to either start an argument or have a crisis of her own to take the attention away from me. 

I don't know if  she didn't want me to be happy or if it was she wasn't getting attention focused on her.  I prefer to think it was attention based because of her needs to be 'the center of attention' rather than wanting me to be unhappy.  I don't think they really think like that more than they feel empty pretty quickly if they are not getting 100% attention 24/7.

[Fluff]

After getting back home from visiting my ex in her country the last time, I told her I was slowly getting after the traumatic experience over there. She then asks me, "How did it feel?" I've wondered if she wanted my to describe the pain, for her pleasure.

[Sluggo]

"I want to hurt you, I want you to feel pain"

My wife routinely says... .I want you to know (feel and experience) what I feel. She does that in her words and actions.  

Just one example she has done a few times.  She did in the past not picked up our kids at school and I got a call from the principle who was with them already over an hour after dismissal.  Wife was at house and said you go pick them up to see what my life is like.  She wanted to give me the sense of what it feels like to be over burdened.  That is not the first time she did that.  Has done it with doctor appointments, etc.    

[Pingo]

In my case, my husband is too self centered to notice whether or not he is causing other people pain. His only concern is himself and what he is feeling and wanting. If I were to say, "Stop, it hurts" his response would be, "It wasn't that bad" or "I didn't realize it" or some other BS response to completely avoid any kind of responsibility for the pain he was causing. It is all about him.

I can relate to this in 'good' times... .he'd play fight rough and I'd inevitably get hurt.  He'd apologise only to do it again or he'd apologise and if I didn't stop being hurt and didn't let it go immediately he'd get all pouty.  But when things were not good, when I had done something to 'cross' him (it could be anything!) he was out for revenge.  He loved the ST as he knew it would be upsetting as that's what my mom did to me and then he'd say I was being 'over sensitive'... .Gahhh! What an a$$!  Since our split I believe he'd love to hurt me any way possible for revenge and I still look over my shoulder.

[OutOfEgypt]

My ex admitted to punishing me intentionally for about a decade and to getting pleasure out of intentionally doing things that caused me suffering.  She also admitted to me that she gets a sexual rush out of knowing that men want to have sex with her and then rejecting them.

[vortex of confusion]

I can relate to this in 'good' times... .he'd play fight rough and I'd inevitably get hurt.  He'd apologise only to do it again or he'd apologise and if I didn't stop being hurt and didn't let it go immediately he'd get all pouty.  But when things were not good, when I had done something to 'cross' him (it could be anything!) he was out for revenge.  He loved the ST as he knew it would be upsetting as that's what my mom did to me and then he'd say I was being 'over sensitive'... .Gahhh! What an a$$!  Since our split I believe he'd love to hurt me any way possible for revenge and I still look over my shoulder.

See, I don't even think mine would want revenge. It would take too much effort and it would mean that he would have to think about somebody other than himself. Not only that, it would interfere with the image he tries to project. He isn't really a vengeful person. Selfish, self centered, self absorbed. . .but not vengeful. Anything that would require him to put forth effort is pretty much off the table with him unless it will provide some kind of direct benefit to him. Besides, I don't think my husband has the balls to try to get revenge on me. He acts like a scared little child at times. It is really quite entertaining as he acts like I am the boogeyman or something.

[Skip]

We may be talking about several things here and rolling them into one.

My ex said "Borderline people hurt others because they want to make them feel how they feel... ." In their mind it is always an eye for an eye. I read something some time ago about Talionic rage that explains this. I think A.J. Mahari has written something about it.

This is a concept of James F. Masterson, M.D...  I believe its a rage, when wounded, intended to make the other party attend to the wound.

"I just want everyone else to feel my pain."

I had a different experience. I feel like mine is and was so self absorbed that he is oblivious to any pain that he may cause. He doesn't feel good or bad about it as it is not about him.

I think both of these are true with many of our exs... .and we really know which one is at play at any one time... .but they are vastly different.

Is this BPD?  I think these things go beyond BPD.

Oce we get a sense that our partner or parent is willing to intentionally hurt us... .it really changes things.

[Deeno02]

We may be talking about several things here and rolling them into one.

My ex said "Borderline people hurt others because they want to make them feel how they feel... ." In their mind it is always an eye for an eye. I read something some time ago about Talionic rage that explains this. I think A.J. Mahari has written something about it.

This is a concept of James F. Masterson, M.D...  I believe its a rage, when wounded, intended to make the other party attend to the wound.

"I just want everyone else to feel my pain."

I had a different experience. I feel like mine is and was so self absorbed that he is oblivious to any pain that he may cause. He doesn't feel good or bad about it as it is not about him.

I think both of these are true with many of our exs... .and we really know which one is at play at any one time... .but they are vastly different.

Is this BPD?  I think these things go beyond BPD.

Oce we get a sense that our partner or parent is willing to intentionally hurt us... .it really changes things.

I dont know... hard to figure out. All I know is that I was the replacement to her husband leaving her and, no matter what I did it was wrong and I recieved the verbal (but oh so subtle) ass kicking that I had to stop and think if it was truly an ass kicking. She was very good at making you feel like ___ without making you feel like ___. Of course she could histrionic with the best of them, but not often.

[Pingo]

Oce we get a sense that our partner or parent is willing to intentionally hurt us... .it really changes things.

This is a good point.  As much as I believe my ex was acting out to hurt me, it was more like a 3 yr old acts out by clobbering another kid because he takes his toy. It's self serving, reactive.  Not a lot of thought put into it I don't believe.  I do believe there was thought into the subtle and not so subtle intimidations though.  It was his way of getting the upper hand.  And it worked.  I'm still scared of him and I'm pretty sure I'm not just being paranoid.  This may have nothing to do with BPD and everything to do with the fact he has violent values.

[Skip]

I didn't mean to imply that these actions are not associated with BPD - I was trying to say that more than just pwBPD do these things.