What ways did they hide cheating?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The BPDx is very clever. She hardly ever communicated with the guys she was cheating with via text message as i was the one that got the Bill. She would chat via facebook then delete the messages since that isnt tracable. The problem was further extended when we both got iphones as iphone to iphone messages are sent via internet connection and aren't tracable either because they dont appear on the phone bill.

[clydegriffith]

The BPDx is very clever. She hardly ever communicated with the guys she was cheating with via text message as i was the one that got the Bill. She would chat via facebook then delete the messages since that isnt tracable. The problem was further extended when we both got iphones as iphone to iphone messages are sent via internet connection and aren't tracable either because they dont appear on the phone bill.

[DangIthurts]

For our initial happy phase, she would throw her phone at me to check it to prove she wasn't doing anything, after our cycles started she got more and more protective of her "privacy" and while there wasn't anything directly that I ever saw until the dating site. I'm betting there was plenty I didn't see.

[Raybo48]

I don't know that mine tried to hide anything really.  She left her phone laying around and I know she got texts so I'm sure many of those were guys. She was also great for PM on Facebook so I had no clue about that.  We also lived 85 miles apart so there was no way for me to check up on her. 

I think the biggest thing she did was put on a huge campaign about how she hated cheaters and liars when I met her.  The seed she planted in my mind allowed me to trust her right away and not question her actions down the road when my gut said otherwise. 

[enlighten me]

Mine also made a big thing about liars and cheaters.

[imstronghere2]

Mine also made a big thing about liars and cheaters.

Ditto here too.   And in the end my exwBPD turned out to be the biggest liar and cheat I've ever met.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Same here.

She promised me and i quote "Id rather just break up with somebody before id cheat on them."

Mhmm... guess thats why she got me sent to jail and went on a break both times she cheated on me.  

Though theres a few other instances that this doesnt account for. Probably many more im unaware of with all of the male "friends" she had... oh the world of texting and social media is grand isnt it.

My favorite part was her asking for opinions on editing her selfies from me... which shed post on her social media so her other supply could fawn and pine over her. Kinda like her asking how she looked before going to work when she was getting all dolled up for one of my replacements.

Shes got some guts ill give her that or maybe its just the narcissistic grandiosity in play... meh whatever.  

[DangIthurts]

Same her family repeatedly beat on me that although they've got some issues their loyalty is unmatched... So I never questioned it until proof was absolute. That and a month or two before I found out the tirades she would go on about me being a cheater and I'm out banging girls and we're all the same when I was basically playing xbox or something ... .So usually the accuser is the one doing it

[peiper]

Mine also made a big thing about liars and cheaters.

Mine did the same. She had me so conned. A smart flight attendant doesn't mess around with the pilots yada yada,  and I believed her. Now she's shacked up with a pilot. But in the long run it was worth it as it put me in the position to meet a beautiful healthy lady.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

So usually the accuser is the one doing it

Yep the wonderful world of borderline projections! 

[Targeted]

Same with mine,  had all guy friends, gave me the speech about how she hated liars and cheaters, told me in the beginning that if we were going to make it in a relationship there must never be one lie no matter how big or small, omitting was another big thing as well, and very serious to the point that if I forgot to mention that my mother called in the morning this was a  omission which justifies her in calling me a habitual liar. I was accused of cheating all the time,  she admitted once to a incident but where does her big agenda of omission come into play now?      I'm gone!

[Popcorn71]

Mine also made a big thing about liars and cheaters.

Ditto here too.   And in the end my exwBPD turned out to be the biggest liar and cheat I've ever met.

Same here too.  He really had me fooled.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife also got me to approve her selfies which ended up on a dating site.

Another thing my exgf did was ommit one of her exs visiting. She told me after both weekends he visited.

she also asked if I could ever forgive infidelity then gave a what if I had taken that guy back from the festival and had him f my brains out . A little too much detail for a what if.

I also returned home from working away to have her daughter tell me. Mummys got a new boyfriend.

so many things that were lost in the fog at the time.

[Capo]

My ex had en emotional affair with a colleague who she eventually left me for. When I raised suspicions about him, she accused me of not trusting her - which she said she found "shocking" - despite the fact she had physically cheated on me before. She threw me off the scent knowing that my intuition was 100% right and she made me doubt myself. Very manipulative.

[DangIthurts]

My ex had en emotional affair with a colleague who she eventually left me for. When I raised suspicions about him, she accused me of not trusting her - which she said she found "shocking" - despite the fact she had physically cheated on me before. She threw me off the scent knowing that my intuition was 100% right and she made me doubt myself. Very manipulative.

I was helping mine once write a paper, and when I jumped on the bed bc she couldn't find a saved draft and peaked to help her find it she closed the computer and said "excuse me I talk to people privately" anytime I made an accusation or had a suspicion, it was met with "well I'll leave if you don't trust me, this won't work since you don't trust me" but she was perfectly fine when having to avoid emotional conversations saying "well I don't trust you and probably never will"

[clydegriffith]

My ex had en emotional affair with a colleague who she eventually left me for. When I raised suspicions about him, she accused me of not trusting her - which she said she found "shocking" - despite the fact she had physically cheated on me before. She threw me off the scent knowing that my intuition was 100% right and she made me doubt myself. Very manipulative.

The very first time i confronted her about suspected cheating there wasn all out BPD episode. Screaming, yelling, punching, the whole 9. Not pretty. So many bad memories. Wish they can all go away.

[fred6]

Mine also made a big thing about liars and cheaters.

Ditto here too.   And in the end my exwBPD turned out to be the biggest liar and cheat I've ever met.

Same here too.  He really had me fooled.

Good fcuking god, do they all read from the same script? Over a 3 year r/s me and my ex talked about cheating and fidelity 4-5 times. Each time I told her that "I've been cheated on before and it wasn't fun. If you ever think that you're interested in someone else. Just end our relationship and let me move out. Then go do what you want to".

Her reply was always the same. "I hate cheaters. I've never cheated on anyone, but I've been cheated on and know how bad it feels. I would never cheat on anyone. Once a cheater, always a cheater".

Just typing her reply gets me so pissed off thinking about it. That b___ had me 100% fooled thinking that she had some sort of integrity and character. I mean, I trusted her 100%. When she finally admitted that she cheated on me. I said, "what about once a cheater, always a cheater? Doesn't that apply to you now?"

All I got was a cold remorseless "YES" and a disgusted look. Then she just walked away. The way she acted, you would have thought that I cheated on her instead of her cheating on me.  I guess that's why she'll never contact me again and won't talk to me. Because she's a cheater, makes sense to me. NOT, bwahahahahahaha

[Climbmountains91]

Mine also made a big thing about liars and cheaters.

Ditto to this aswell. There such good liars its believable. But i know what is true. He even had an exgf cheat on him which screwed him up but doesn't still get it. Urghh!

[lovethebeach]

Secret e-mail account... .Messaging women on Craigslist for sexually explicit content.

Dating website (while trying to WORK on things).

Two days later... .caught him at an Italian restaurant (with god knows who) while he said he was at school. He's been cold and distant since. He knows "the game is up." I caught him too many times and removed his "mask".

The stories are all so similar. They constantly need to fill the void inside and they'll do it at any expense.

[Climbmountains91]

Secret e-mail account... .Messaging women on Craigslist for sexually explicit content.

Dating website (while trying to WORK on things).

Two days later... .caught him at an Italian restaurant (with god knows who) while he said he was at school. He's been cold and distant since. He knows "the game is up." I caught him too many times and removed his "mask".

The stories are all so similar. They constantly need to fill the void inside and they'll do it at any expense.

Im in this right now, his still on dating websites and fetish websites and has overwhelming feelings for his friend (whose already in a relationship and who ex BPD is very good friends with her bf, so laughable. And app has overwhelming for feelings for me as well, he don't know where his heart lies. BS!

[lovethebeach]

For them, it's just a way of survival.

I dont think they are malicious, at least my ex wasn't. He just needed the validation and had no impulse control... .like a child!

In the end, it didn't matter. It wasn't okay with me and it will never be. It's cheating! I tried to work on things while he continued to make a dating website profile.

And after EVERYTHING I did and gave to him, I didn't deserve that. But thats just it ... .it isn't personal. It will continue to happen until he is committed to treatment.

After I caught him, he turned into a different person. He always used to come begging for me back ... the last time, it was different. He knew the games were up and he was no longer "ten feet tall in my eyes." The mask fell off and he just left and never looked back.

It's sad really but it's a true testament to the disorder.

[thatwasthat]

"I hate cheaters. I've never cheated on anyone, but I've been cheated on and know how bad it feels. I would never cheat on anyone. Once a cheater, always a cheater".

This. and every variation of it. Including situational things, like HATING on people around us that cheated on their partners etc.And in the end... .she did WAY worse.

I'm not kidding, in retrospect... .EVERY single thing she EVER accused me of was what she was doing at the moment.

And you know what I had always told her?

"I know you can't promise me to be here forever. But there is one thing I want to be able to rely on. You telling me instead of cheating."

HAHAHA

[fred6]

"I hate cheaters. I've never cheated on anyone, but I've been cheated on and know how bad it feels. I would never cheat on anyone. Once a cheater, always a cheater".

This. and every variation of it. Including situational things, like HATING on people around us that cheated on their partners etc.And in the end... .she did WAY worse.

I'm not kidding, in retrospect... .EVERY single thing she EVER accused me of was what she was doing at the moment.

And you know what I had always told her?

"I know you can't promise me to be here forever. But there is one thing I want to be able to rely on. You telling me instead of cheating."

HAHAHA

I remember when we had one of those talks and right after she said her standard line that you quoted above. She then said, "If I have to cheat on you, I don't need you". I was like What the heck does that mean? Talk about a total disconnect. One second she says, "I'll never cheat on you... ." and the next second she says, "If I have to cheat on you... .". She never was too bright.

[almostmarried]

My ex-BPD-girlfriend cheated constantly on his ex-husband,who was her "great love". (makes sense,doesnt it ?)

on top of that,she ALWAYS demanded from everybody to ALWAYS tell "the truth" about everything.I asked her if she had told her ex- husband "the truth" about cheating on him. She started putting on a very serious face and said to me:"I´m light-years ahead of all of you.In 100 years,EVERY relationship will be like this."

After that,I got he usual silent treatment for the usual upcoming week.She started picking up fights always on Sundays,then I got "punished" until Friday,Saturday was GREAT ("I`m SO HAPPY with you!),then Sunday came up... .blah  blah blah.

These people are sick.You can´t help them,especially if they are high-functioning,because everything seems to be fine. (Except behind close doors,as we all know).

[clydegriffith]

Lol. Some of these things about being adamant about telling the truth are very familiar. As soon as the BPDx said "here's the truth... ." that was ALWAYS a lie. Funny now that i think about it.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

One of the many reasons I am stuck and have extreme difficulty moving forward:

My BPDexGF always vowed "I am not a cheater".  Yet that is all she ever did during our time together.

At first, she apologized.  When she continued sleeping with numerous guys behind my back (we did not live together, we lived about 2 hrs apart), she started to justify her actions.  some memorable things she said to me:

"I don't appreciate you going behind my back... ." (I answered an e-mail she instructed me to delete, it was from one of her partners informing me of what was truly going on)

"The way I see it, you're up there and I'm down here... ." (distance = I'll do what I want, and lies by omission - as long as i didn't know what was going on, it had no concern to me - that was a fave statement of analysis she'd employ)

"I'll bet you soup to nuts that every girlfriend you've had has slept with other people... ."(I have not had very many relationships that lasted more than a month, and those were of a long distance type).

And lastly, as she ultimately decided to cast me aside after trying to coax me to stay - even though she had gotten pregnant by another guy):

"I'm so F-ing tired of being made the scapegoat by scorned men.  It takes two to tango."

[clydegriffith]

One of the many reasons I am stuck and have extreme difficulty moving forward:

My BPDexGF always vowed "I am not a cheater".  Yet that is all she ever did during our time together.

At first, she apologized.  When she continued sleeping with numerous guys behind my back (we did not live together, we lived about 2 hrs apart), she started to justify her actions.  some memorable things she said to me:

"I don't appreciate you going behind my back... ." (I answered an e-mail she instructed me to delete, it was from one of her partners informing me of what was truly going on)

"The way I see it, you're up there and I'm down here... ." (distance = I'll do what I want, and lies by omission - as long as i didn't know what was going on, it had no concern to me - that was a fave statement of analysis she'd employ)

"I'll bet you soup to nuts that every girlfriend you've had has slept with other people... ."(I have not had very many relationships that lasted more than a month, and those were of a long distance type).

And lastly, as she ultimately decided to cast me aside after trying to coax me to stay - even though she had gotten pregnant by another guy):

"I'm so F-ing tired of being made the scapegoat by scorned men.  It takes two to tango."

This is a way the BPDx used to bring me down as well. Even though she had no specific knowledge about any of my prior girlfriends she would always say "all your girlfriends before me always cheated on you, i'm not the first and i won't be the last". 2 years later she still attempts do things like that by saying "you'll be alone forever" and blah blah blah.

[Rifka]

I think the biggest thing she did was put on a huge campaign about how she hated cheaters and liars when I met her.  The seed she planted in my mind allowed me to trust her right away.

He said the same thing! He told me he was destroyed because he was cheated on and he was a one man woman and totally dedicated! 

I don't know for sure if he cheated on me during times we fought that became the st, but I do believe that everything he said was a lie, so probably!

By the way he was not cheated on, I am best friends with his first wife! She did not cheat on him, he cheated on her! Projection is such an amazing thing! I was accused of cheating constantly! I never even looked at another man while with him, I was mesmerized by our bs fantasy love and passion.

How fooled I was! Never again! Radar on!

[thatwasthat]

"It takes two to tango."

They got that part right at least.

BOO BYE.

[ConverseHome]

My exBPDgf had a slightly different spin... .she used to say all the time that I was the only person who ever accused her of lying and/or being dishonest. That everyone knew her to be an honest and honorable person. Said the only reason she lied to me was because she "feared" my reaction if she told the truth.

This from the same person who lied so often about the emotional affair she continued with her ex-partner the entire 5+years we were together. Daily phone conversations, expensive gifts, continued "I love yous," the list goes on and on. Still, my ex denied all of it, even in the face of evidence. Like when I had to download all of my ATT bills to submit to work and there, in black and white, were hours and hours of phone calls to her ex.

Fast forward, our relationship has been over nearly a year and the former partner died two months ago. My exBPDgf is presenting to the world via social media that she and her ex-partner actually never divorced, and that "her beloved longtime partner" died, etc. etc. She's even back wearing her former partner's wedding ring. Doesn't occur to my exBPDgf that all of our mutual friends think she's nuts for basically re-writing the narrative of the last 5 years, nor does it occur to her that her current behavior just confirms the years of lies and gas lighting that went on with me to cover-up her continued emotional affair with her ex. Makes my head spin just thinking about it... .

[workinprogress]

I don't know for sure if my wife cheated on me, but I have had my gut screaming at me that she was.  I never really dug too deep, although I saw a few texts to her friends where they joked about oral sex.  I never got oral sex, so who knows?

She also started out the relationship saying that she hated cheaters and liars.

She also would say "once a cheater, always a cheater."  Even though she admitted that she cheated on a boyfriend of hers because he decided to watch a football game with his friends.

It's funny, the times that I suspected her I may have questioned her a bit, but eventually I let it go.  But, for years she constantly accused me of cheating.  All I did was go to work and come home.  I didn't have a spare second of time.

I also would question her when I found out she was offering other guys oral, and she would get angry and say that she was just joking.  Stupid me.


Years later, after almost of decade of very little intimacy, I did fall slightly to a friend of hers that was practically stalking me.  I really tried to avoid her.  My wife insisted that this friend of hers be around all of the time, even after I told her about her friend's sexual advances towards me.  

Then, when stuff did happen, my wife automatically assumed the worst and accused me of "running around and screwing her friend all the time."  Which isn't what happened.