Living in a delusional world with my BPD/NPD spouse

[Moselle]

She's so adept at maintaining the delusion, and holding me in the FOG. I'm becoming better at getting on with my life, but I find myself falling back into the trance like state from before my 10 month separation. Particularly on weekends when more time is spent together.

Any tips on staying emotionally unaffected, while maintaining the hard won territory with boundaries?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Moselle,

This is so difficult. How to open one's heart and feel immersed, without being swept away under the current? The visual I get when I ask myself this question is one of those inflatable life-savers I played with as a kid. They won't save a life, but they can help keep one's head above water.

Through repeated experiences, I'm at the other end of the spectrum--I'm sitting on the dock, completely dry, but safe. I don't remember how to jump in the water anymore--or I'm just too afraid that I won't remember how to swim.

I remember reading Carlos Casteneda's books so many years ago and a concept he spoke about was "controlled folly." The meaning I took from that was to be able to participate in life, but still have a part of oneself that is holding back as an observer. At the time, it was such a foreign concept to me since I wanted to fully immerse myself in all my experiences. Now, with age, I'm very familiar with the spectator and kind of miss the naive part that wanted to experience everything 100%.

I don't know if this is helpful, but it certainly seems to me that it's a trade-off. And achieving balance between the polarities is really a challenge.

[Moselle]

Cat Familiar,

It helps just knowing that you are going through the same thing. That I'm not alone. Thanks for that. 

Yes I'm trying to develop my 'wisemind' which needs a fair bit of spectating rather than fighting the emotional fire.

There are muscles which are being developed which I've never used before. I fully get your metaphor about sitting on the dock. I can relate to it. I with-held my love from her, and I realised a few months ago, that whether we stay together or not, I have not fully loved her for over a decade. I read the following poem by Lisa Citore

www.lisacitore.com/poetry/if-you-want-to-change-the-world-love-a-woman-2008/

It helped me build up the courage to jump off that dock, and love for love's sake. To prove that I could love with out any expectation of something in return. I have done it well, and I was right, there has been nothing in return.  but I'm not in control of that.

[Cat Familiar]

Moselle,

Thanks for that poem. She has a link to then "love a man" version at the bottom of the page.

What a tricky dance it is to be vulnerable as well as self protective!