Feelings follow actions + not taking on others' feelings

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I want to share with you a little success that has been a real struggle in the past and is still a work in progress for me:

Today, although I am the official boss of the group where I work, one of my coworkers tried to usurp and undermine me in front of our new employee, who I am training. I have seen signs of her new attitude slowly creep up and today it crossed the line beyond which it could be ignored. I knew that I needed to set a boundary with her quickly, or I would soon have a real problem on my crew.

1. I do not like to deal with these kinds of things. My physiological response to this was a moderate flood of adrenaline, and a feeling of anxiety. From my FOO I was conditioned to fear confrontation, since they were typically very unpleasant, verbally abusive, and often didn't solve anything.

I have since learned that peaceful/calm boundary setting or a confrontation with the aim to solve a problem at an early stage is actually a healthy behavior that doesn't need to be feared or accompanied by unpleasant feelings. It often prevents bigger problems from happening. Furthermore, it is healthy to be assertive and decisive when in a position of leadership.

Ok, but I still felt the anxiety. Now what? I went to be alone for a bit, and took a few deep breaths and calmed myself. I decided, what it was that I needed to say, and then went to do it. I chose a moment when we had privacy, and told her that our new employee needs to have one boss and one set of information for training. To give her contradicting information is confusing, and while I appreciate her trying to help, we want this new employee to feel like a part of a team rather than the one at the bottom with multiple bosses. I also told her that I didn't want her telling this girl what to do, that that wasn't appropriate. She apologized and said ok.

Whew! I think I was a bit tense, but overall I handled it well in spite of my feelings.

Feel the fear and do it anyway is the motto. In the past, I would NOT do things if my feelings weren't cooperating with me. It really helped to read that our actions have to come first and that our feelings will adjust with time. It is true. After this encounter, my feelings calmed down, and I felt good and confident about what happened.

2. BUT then, I started to feel bad for the employee I just corrected. Yikes! That is another problem from FOO - feeling guilty for "making someone feel bad" even though it is a problem of their own making.

Again, I have read that it is our responsibility to act with respect, dignity, fairness etc. and it is everyone's own responsibility to deal with their own feelings. That we are NOT responsible for anybody else's feelings other than our own. I reminded myself of that, and gradually, I started feeling better again. YAY!

3. In the past these unpleasant feelings (either frustration from someone crossing boundaries and me not dealing with it, or from me asserting the boundary and "making them feel bad" would have resulted in me avoiding that person or having an unpleasant attitude/feeling uncomfortable around them. I have read that when we assert a boundary and that conversation is over, we need to then treat the person pleasantly, as if nothing had happened. This has always been easy for me with kids, because they generally are in the moment and get over themselves quickly. But it has been a problem for me with adults (again the pesky FOO   ).

I am working on making a conscious effort to be as naturally pleasant and courteous after any confrontation as possible. And it usually helps calm the other person as well. And it feeds back my emotions and makes me feel better.

It all still feels unnatural a bit. But it is gaining good results, and I am liking it. Since practice makes perfect, I am feeling like it's getting easier... .

How about you, are you having similar struggles and/or successes?

[pessim-optimist]

I want to share with you a little success that has been a real struggle in the past and is still a work in progress for me:

Today, although I am the official boss of the group where I work, one of my coworkers tried to usurp and undermine me in front of our new employee, who I am training. I have seen signs of her new attitude slowly creep up and today it crossed the line beyond which it could be ignored. I knew that I needed to set a boundary with her quickly, or I would soon have a real problem on my crew.

1. I do not like to deal with these kinds of things. My physiological response to this was a moderate flood of adrenaline, and a feeling of anxiety. From my FOO I was conditioned to fear confrontation, since they were typically very unpleasant, verbally abusive, and often didn't solve anything.

I have since learned that peaceful/calm boundary setting or a confrontation with the aim to solve a problem at an early stage is actually a healthy behavior that doesn't need to be feared or accompanied by unpleasant feelings. It often prevents bigger problems from happening. Furthermore, it is healthy to be assertive and decisive when in a position of leadership.

Ok, but I still felt the anxiety. Now what? I went to be alone for a bit, and took a few deep breaths and calmed myself. I decided, what it was that I needed to say, and then went to do it. I chose a moment when we had privacy, and told her that our new employee needs to have one boss and one set of information for training. To give her contradicting information is confusing, and while I appreciate her trying to help, we want this new employee to feel like a part of a team rather than the one at the bottom with multiple bosses. I also told her that I didn't want her telling this girl what to do, that that wasn't appropriate. She apologized and said ok.

Whew! I think I was a bit tense, but overall I handled it well in spite of my feelings.

Feel the fear and do it anyway is the motto. In the past, I would NOT do things if my feelings weren't cooperating with me. It really helped to read that our actions have to come first and that our feelings will adjust with time. It is true. After this encounter, my feelings calmed down, and I felt good and confident about what happened.

2. BUT then, I started to feel bad for the employee I just corrected. Yikes! That is another problem from FOO - feeling guilty for "making someone feel bad" even though it is a problem of their own making.

Again, I have read that it is our responsibility to act with respect, dignity, fairness etc. and it is everyone's own responsibility to deal with their own feelings. That we are NOT responsible for anybody else's feelings other than our own. I reminded myself of that, and gradually, I started feeling better again. YAY!

3. In the past these unpleasant feelings (either frustration from someone crossing boundaries and me not dealing with it, or from me asserting the boundary and "making them feel bad" would have resulted in me avoiding that person or having an unpleasant attitude/feeling uncomfortable around them. I have read that when we assert a boundary and that conversation is over, we need to then treat the person pleasantly, as if nothing had happened. This has always been easy for me with kids, because they generally are in the moment and get over themselves quickly. But it has been a problem for me with adults (again the pesky FOO   ).

I am working on making a conscious effort to be as naturally pleasant and courteous after any confrontation as possible. And it usually helps calm the other person as well. And it feeds back my emotions and makes me feel better.

It all still feels unnatural a bit. But it is gaining good results, and I am liking it. Since practice makes perfect, I am feeling like it's getting easier... .

How about you, are you having similar struggles and/or successes?

[Kwamina]

Well done pessim-optimist! I think you did a great job handling this coworker Sometimes you just gotta let them know who's boss:

I am working on making a conscious effort to be as naturally pleasant and courteous after any confrontation as possible. And it usually helps calm the other person as well. And it feeds back my emotions and makes me feel better.

I think this is a very important aspect of what it truly means to be assertive. Signalling support and empathy is something people can be reluctant to do because they might think that this makes them look weak. But in fact it helps you to be strong and prevent your emotions from taking you over. Without these kind of restraints in place, what started out as assertion can easily develop into all out aggression. So here's another

How about you, are you having similar struggles and/or successes?

Well I actually have. In one of my projects I am dealing with someone who when he wants something always seems to do one of two things: intimidate or manipulate. A few months ago I realized that he often basically behaves like someone with narcissistic personality disorder. I don't believe he has a PD but many of his behavior patterns are the same. And then I all of a sudden realized that I have many tools at my disposal now to deal with this type of behavior. I started setting boundaries with him and applying SET and DEARMAN and was surprised to see how 'weak' his responses were. His communications skills are quite poorly developed and he wasn't able to handle SET and DEARMAN at all. He basically was used to always getting what he wanted and also getting away with everything and was totally unprepared to now be dealing with someone who didn't allow his behavior to continue. So I would definitely call this a success. Not only with this particular person but the big success was realizing how valuable all the skills are that I have learned here and that I can also successfully apply them to people who don't have a PD but do behave very unpleasantly.

[Turkish]

That's great that you were able to assert your "authoritah"   but were also mindful of working through your emotions.

It's odd that so many of us have triggers and behaviors like this in common, having grown up in invalidating, abusive, or neglectful homes. On the other side of the coin, we get pwPDs who can come from the same homes.

I was always shy and withdrawn. Though I've been working in the high tech corporate world for 23 years, my first job was from 3-11PM, and being a lab rat, often by myself at night, suited my personality. As I "grew up", to move up, I needed to be more assertive. When I came to my current job almost 15 years ago, I was expected to present data at meetings and interact with people. I remember the director of another group commenting, "Turkish needs to speak up more at meetings." I took this as constructive criticism (the guy liked me and my work otherwise), and worked to speak out more at meetings. I had done ok at my previous job being a tech lead, but that was in a more informal setting. Being put in the spotlight was different.

Over a decade later, though I still don't like talking in front of large groups, I have no problem asserting myself in a meeting with half a dozen or more people. Being around so long, I'm considered a "subject matter expert" and I realized I needed to own that and believe it. I've spent two decades working at this, over half of which was spent pushing to escape the inertia of my FOO and childhood. It's tough, but it can be done.

Now with kids, I realize that I need to be more assertive to advocate for them. It's sad that upon reaching middle age I finally feel like I've "grown up." It's never too late to start working at ones' self.

[Ziggiddy]

I am smiling like anything to read your post Pessopt! how wonderful for you to move through that and keep your mind coming back to a stable rational place! I think you really achieved something important there.

A couple of months back I was 'confronted' by a friend who charged me with not liking her daughter. i fudged and sidestepped and focussed on the positive but she persisted, saying  "She grates on you, doesn't she?" SO I answered yes, yes she does. I was sick with the flood of adrenaline and then I disclosed that to my friend. How hard it was to answer her honestly knowing that when i did, she'd probably walk out of my door and my life.

Oddly enough, the next opportunity to assert myself came soon after and didn't cause me nearly as much consternation.

The second confrontation ended very quickly with the person offering a sincere apology! Now THAT was not what I expected.

I think it goes to show that it is easy to expect it to end badly, end badly quickly and result in some kind of punishment/backlash, but it could just end well.

I wonder if that is an example of reframing thoughts?

Me I learned that it is not kind to not give them the opportunity to change/respond well if I don't take it to them. If they DO respond badly and leave then that saves me the need to hide my true feelings from them in the future.

And as my regard for myself rises (because that took GUTS, my friend!) my over-regard for THEIR comfort lessens. they weren't worried about how I would respond - they trusted it was okay to bring their (whatever) to me - how come I don't get to do the same? Well I DO! And I did!

Very soul building.

Zig

[pessim-optimist]

In one of my projects I am dealing with someone who when he wants something always seems to do one of two things: intimidate or manipulate.

... .His communications skills are quite poorly developed and he wasn't able to handle SET and DEARMAN at all. He basically was used to always getting what he wanted and also getting away with everything and was totally unprepared to now be dealing with someone who didn't allow his behavior to continue.

Isn't this an interesting discovery? In the past I used to look at these kinds of people as the 'big bad wolf' so to speak; someone, who may be too strong to take on, and it's been surprising to find out that they are actually weak and insecure and THAT is what drives their forceful behaviors... .

And I have to be honest here - those are the kinds of behaviors I had observed in my FOO and didn't know what is healthy. So, in some instances (family and intimate r/s) I used to employ those same behaviors myself (to my shame) but at work, or in public, where I would consider that embarrassing, I was helpless, because I wouldn't use the unhealthy behaviors and didn't know what the healthy ones looked like.

So I would definitely call this a success. Not only with this particular person but the big success was realizing how valuable all the skills are that I have learned here and that I can also successfully apply them to people who don't have a PD but do behave very unpleasantly.

I couldn't agree more.

It's sad that upon reaching middle age I finally feel like I've "grown up." It's never too late to start working at ones' self.

I feel like we are in the same boat, and yes - better late than never! I am still learning and I think I will continue to learn for the rest of my life, but it's starting to feel like I have reached a comfortable zone... .

You know, being more assertive in advocating for your kids probably is another (deeper) layer of what you have been doing in your profession. It is easier to assert yourself when it comes to expertise and job-related, than it being personal. And I think that also dealing with your children's mom must have grown you up a lot too.

At least for me that has been the case in my personal/family growth and work too - being 'da boss' over the last 3 years has gently forced me to take charge in the practical matters and to be assertive in training and correcting people's work and who's going to do what, how etc.

However, I remember times when different co-workers would subtly play power-games and I felt helpless in face of that and feared mutiny... .I am experiencing this as a series of steps up - and I am grateful that opportunities to improve and practice new skills for me come at a gradual pace.

There was a time when I had a dysregulated new employee (insubordinate and disrespectful) on my hands couple of years ago and was grateful for the book on boundaries I had just read. That was a first for me, and I was surprised how staying calmly in charge versus getting unnerved, defensive, or getting pulled into an argument made all the difference. Another block of confidence to build on... .

The second confrontation ended very quickly with the person offering a sincere apology! Now THAT was not what I expected.

I think it goes to show that it is easy to expect it to end badly, end badly quickly and result in some kind of punishment/backlash, but it could just end well.

I hear you - our FOO expectations do get in our way don't they? That is one of my fears that I have to push through every time still!  

I get ready for the backlash, brace myself breathe and do what needs to be done. More often than not, the backlash is smaller than I expect, or entirely non-existent.  

And with more and more positive responses (or successfully working through the negative ones), it gets teensy bit easier the next time. Or possible to take on some new area.

And as my regard for myself rises (because that took GUTS, my friend!) my over-regard for THEIR comfort lessens. they weren't worried about how I would respond - they trusted it was okay to bring their (whatever) to me - how come I don't get to do the same? Well I DO! And I did!

Very soul building.

That's the blessing of people growing up in healthy families - they are taught that it's everyone's responsibility to take care of their own feelings. They also get taught what are the acceptable, and kind ways to act toward others so as not to cause damage. We get to play detective and learn later on, but I am still grateful for the discoveries... .