An Example of IMPULSIVE

[DreamerGirl]

I will try to keep this as brief as possible. 

Five days ago BPDbf says to me:

Get your passport organized and arrange Leave from work, we are going over to Indonesia in 9 days!

Me:  Why's that?

Him:  Oh a friend I was talking too last night is leaving in 9 days for a holiday and I can get some cosmetic stuff done over there for cheap and he is going to make an appointment for me.

Me:  (thinking, oh yeah here we go again... .he is always coming up with hairbrained ideas)... .I don't have the funds at this time, why don't we plan this for in a month or two?

Him: I'll worry about the cost. 

Me: How much Leave do need to ask for?

Him:  I don't know until we get there, maybe a week, we'll see.  (I actually have responsibililties, but, he lives day to day) and in fantasy land.

So, what do I do:

I know there is only a 5% or less chance of this happening, but yep, just in case, I jump through the hoops:  I apply  for an Urgent Passport (mine has expired from another country).  This costs me double the fee and a lot of time and effort to do).  I need to ask my Boss for one week off, at the busiest time of the year.  I try and come up with some weird story of why its so sudden and also have to have an out incase this doesnt happen.  i say to the Boss, if my passport doesnt arrive in time (3 days) then I wont be taking the time off.   I can hardly say, this is just another one of my BF's impulsive decisions, that I've gone along with, which probably wont happen. 

The friend that is going to Indonesia rang me.  Excited we were coming.  I said to the Friend, look Friend, please don't get too excited until the actual plane tickets are booked and paid.  I said, BF has very good intentions on the spur of the moment, but there is a good chance he wont be able to come up with the funds.

Friend hardly believes me, I can tell.

So, I've fulfilled my part.  Applied for urgent passport which I should have arrive on the day we are meant to fly out.

I've got my Leave arranged for one week off work.

Today, Friend rings me.

Says he has been trying and trying to get hold of BF and leaving numerous messages for him to call him back.

BF rings him back, finally.

Friend says to him:  you need to contact the Travel Agent and pay for your seats.

BF says to him:  I wont have enough money to pay for my medical procedure because of the amount of money i have to pay for GF (me)!


Friend says he is planning to go without me!  What a waste of my time and money.  I keep trying to have faith in him, but time after time, this keeps happening.

Now i guess this holiday, for me, is not happening!  Although he has gone quiet.  I have not heard a word from him in over 24 hours!

I would not be surprised if he is getting angry at me, blaming me for making this so hard for him... .



 

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[Rapt Reader]

You are very right, DreamerGirl!

That is a very good example of impulsive!

I'm sorry for all the hoops you had to jump, and the expenses you had to incur for something that isn't even going to materialize!

How are you handling that now?

What a bummer 

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you Rapt Reader.

I've been let down so many times, over so many promises within the last three years, it's changed the feelings and reactions that I used to have.  The shock and disappointment that I once felt so deeply, when he would make promises and then just break them, without blinking an eye, has been replaced with a sad/resigned feeling.  It still hurts, but not as much.

The mutual Friend who is also going away called me this morning.  This Friend was upset with how this has unfolded.  Friend said to me: you were right all along, very disappointing!  Friend said to me: How do you have any faith or respect in a man who continually gets your hopes up and give's you nothing.  Especially after all the arrangements and effort you have made to make this happen.

I know most of us here are in the same boat.  Other people do not understand why we stay and put up with this type of behaviour.  It's good to be here and be with people going through the same situations. 

[Rapt Reader]

I guess we sometimes learn to not expect anything to come through, so that when they don't we aren't disappointed, and when they do, we are pleasantly surprised 

I never really have the problem with my husband (his traits go in other directions), but I've dealt with that continually with my adult (37) son who was diagnosed with BPD in April 2013. His whole life--after about 12 or so--has been him trying to accomplish stuff and finding out that he couldn't see most of it through. Pretty sad, but we learned after many years of tearing our hair out, that though the spirit in him was willing, the actual execution was weak.

I have to say, it is hard for outsiders to understand that when we do see our loved ones as trying and sincere, but just unable to always deliver on promises (and I assure you, my son has always wanted and intended to come through!) for whatever reasons, that we can't always be angry at them 

[ColdEthyl]

I guess we sometimes learn to not expect anything to come through, so that when they don't we aren't disappointed, and when they do, we are pleasantly surprised 

I never really have the problem with my husband (his traits go in other directions), but I've dealt with that continually with my adult (37) son who was diagnosed with BPD in April 2013. His whole life--after about 12 or so--has been him trying to accomplish stuff and finding out that he couldn't see most of it through. Pretty sad, but we learned after many years of tearing our hair out, that though the spirit in him was willing, the actual execution was weak.

I have to say, it is hard for outsiders to understand that when we do see our loved ones as trying and sincere, but just unable to always deliver on promises (and I assure you, my son has always wanted and intended to come through!) for whatever reasons, that we can't always be angry at them 

This is exactly right. My dBPDh is like your BF Dreamer where he promises things and rarely comes through. He is impulsive. I'm lucky he isn't with the money in fact he gives all of his money to me to manage.

I've just learned that he probably won't come through and if he does YAY

[DreamerGirl]

Yes Rapt Reader, well said.  At the beginning of the relationship I was very upset each time he let me down.  But now, with all I have learned and witnessed, I can see he has sincere intentions at the moment of promising something.  So yes, I have learned not to expect anything and it's always such a good feeling when it actually comes true!

ColdEthyl, oh you are very lucky to have control of the money.  I do not have a say.  He spends like there is no tomorrow.  He has a gambling addiction as well.  So that makes things extra hard.  He can't keep money in his pocket and he cannot save a cent.  I have never seen someone blow so much money away.

A little off topic... .he will say to me, I need to give you the money to save, so we can plan a cruise.  Because he knows he can't be trusted with money.  So I'm like, sure no worries.  Then when I know he has some, I'll ask him for some money to put away for the cruise, and he gets immediately defensive and makes excuses that it's already spent this week on work related things etc... .so then I feel like I'm hassling him, when in fact it is him who says he wants me to ask him for the money to put away argh... .lose/lose!  So I'm not sure how to address this anymore because he says one thing, and I know he means it at the time, but then when I ask him, he gets angry.

[ColdEthyl]

Yes Rapt Reader, well said.  At the beginning of the relationship I was very upset each time he let me down.  But now, with all I have learned and witnessed, I can see he has sincere intentions at the moment of promising something.  So yes, I have learned not to expect anything and it's always such a good feeling when it actually comes true!

ColdEthyl, oh you are very lucky to have control of the money.  I do not have a say.  He spends like there is no tomorrow.  He has a gambling addiction as well.  So that makes things extra hard.  He can't keep money in his pocket and he cannot save a cent.  I have never seen someone blow so much money away.

A little off topic... .he will say to me, I need to give you the money to save, so we can plan a cruise.  Because he knows he can't be trusted with money.  So I'm like, sure no worries.  Then when I know he has some, I'll ask him for some money to put away for the cruise, and he gets immediately defensive and makes excuses that it's already spent this week on work related things etc... .so then I feel like I'm hassling him, when in fact it is him who says he wants me to ask him for the money to put away argh... .lose/lose!  So I'm not sure how to address this anymore because he says one thing, and I know he means it at the time, but then when I ask him, he gets angry.

I know I am lucky. I think because mine is self aware that he's BPD, he tries harder to modify his behavior. That's not say to say he's successful all the time

What's happening with the money situation is your asking to him sounds like criticism. Yes, we know it's not... but BPD "hear" things different. My best suggestion on that is maybe buy a visual open calendar, and when he says something about saving money for a cruise, you guys write it down on the calendar what day and how much you are going to save back... .preferably somewhere he will see it often.

Might help... .might not. I bet some of the vets here will have some better suggestions for ya

[waverider]

Grand gestures and grand ideas

It is so hard not to give that 5% chance a bigger credence than it deserves, as we so want it to be true.

No jumping through hoops and reorganizing your life around off chances is the only away to deal with this. Its not too bad if it is just a case of good if it comes off, no big deal if it doesn't. Unfortunately it doesn't happen this way the needy factor means there is usually pressure for you to reorganize your life (and get sucked into making fibs/excuses) all for nothing.

I get this sort of behavior on a (smaller scale) consistently several times a day. Even a trip to the shops goes like this and can trash my plans for the day if I allow it.

[DreamerGirl]

waverider such a perfect description, grand gestuers and grand ideas.

I have tried so hard not to get sucked in, everytime.  I can't believe I did it again.  I jumped through all the hoops, reorganised my life on the off chance this 5% came off.  Off course, silly me, it didn't.

So, it's me left to explain to the Boss why my sudden trip away is not happening anymore.  Also, letting my family know I was not going away, that was hard.  I feel like the flaky one.  I feel like every time I say BF and I are going away, or guess what, we are doing la la la, they are starting to roll their eyes. I am so reliable and true to my word. But I feel it is making me look bad.  It really upsets me, just thinking my Employers may see me as flaky and impulsive.

I know my family dissaprove of him, so I'm not as worried how they judge me.