Still in honeymoon phase. But keeping new supply under the radar.

[fred6]

Last weekend I called my ex's 17 yo son and told him that I wanted to take him and his 6 yo sister to dinner for an early Thanksgiving dinner. I haven't seen either of them for about 10 weeks. So we set it up for tonight and surprisingly his mother didn't seem to mind. Kind of odd, because when I texted about 4-5 weeks ago and asked to see the 6 yo and the cat, she texted back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone".

So I met the 17 yo and 6 yo at a Japanese hibachi place and had a nice little dinner. The 6 yo girl ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug that I've had in a while from anyone. She was kind of quiet for a little while though. I think she feels awkward that she's been around replacement and now seeing me for the first time in a while. She told me that she misses me and when it was time to go she said that she wanted to go with me.

I found out that a month after I moved out, my ex asked her 17 son to leave again. He said that she told him that she just wanted it to be her and the daughter living together. She originally kicked him out about 6 weeks before she kicked me out. But now she has kicked him out again. I assume so that she can have unrestricted access to new supply and keep it on the low down. I can't believe that she would pick her new bf over her son. Especially since when she kicked him out the first time she got so depressed that she almost hit bottom, that was right around the time that she started cheating.

17 yo son said that a while back he told his father that me and his mother had broken up, but didn't give him the details. He said his father's reply was, "he better be glad he got out when he did". I found that kind of ironic.

Also, as far as I can tell, my ex hasn't really brought new supply around to meet her family. She's also eerily quiet on FB about him. Back when we started dating, at this point she was posting on FB about me and I had met her family already.

I find it fcuked up that she's bringing another guy into her 6 yo daughters life like this, but I already knew it, so it isn't a big shock. I tried to keep dinner tonight about them, but I did find myself probing for information a little bit. So should I disappear and leave the kids alone? I love them and I know that they love me, but I don't want to create a conflict for them either. Is it even reasonable to think that I could have a relationship with her 6 yo daughter going forward with replacement in the picture?

[willtimeheal]

This is a tough one. One I have struggled with.  My ex has three kids. Two of them I am very close to and I was a huge part of their life for the last six years. I was also the only stable and reliable person in their life. They are 13 and 14 now. When my ex left me for the replacement the hardest part was losing the kids too. As much as I want to stay in touch with them and be part of their lives... .I am not their parent. For my own health and well being I have to let go of my ex and that means letting go of the kids too. In the end they are not mine. For me and for them to move forward I decided it was best to leave them be and not interfere in their lives. I miss and love them and I know  they miss and love me. They have a way to contact me if they need to and they know that they always can but I will not initiate contact because I feel it will only hurt them in the long run.

[DangIthurts]

Mine blocked me from seeing one social media (so either she cares somewhat, or just that was the official cut ties), and I believe has been somewhat quiet on social media beyond the big announcement, because her mom reached out after it was "FB" official and wished me happy holidays and so forth, so I found that odd, especially if the family knew how recent the BF was.

I think this all you can do is try to be present in her life... .If every 10 weeks she says its ok than by the time she's grown she'll remember and realize who made an effort to stay in her life. I do think it'll slow down moving on. I can already tell communicating with my Ex's family the few times I have, and even just texting the mom was hard on me so seeing them in person and like you said probing for information... .Will hold you back.

I think if you know it could be an unsafe situation for the 6 year old definitely stick around... .Thats why all our mutual friends know if this new replacement abuses her as she had in the past I told them and her family, let me know and best believe I will deal with it. With that said, in regards to the low profile who knows why they do it you know?

I wouldn't be shocked if she's changing up completely to how she was with you, you know? Like if she ate pizza on Tuesdays dating you, now Tuesdays is a burger. Just totally new patter for a new guy, and while I think the underlying BPD triggers would always remain. I don't think it does any of us any good to try and speculate such a thing, as they're all different... .Heck most of what I hope for is bouncing ideas off people and hoping to get the answer I want hahaha.

This is a tough one. One I have struggled with.  My ex has three kids. Two of them I am very close to and I was a huge part of their life for the last six years. I was also the only stable and reliable person in their life. They are 13 and 14 now. When my ex left me for the replacement the hardest part was losing the kids too. As much as I want to stay in touch with them and be part of their lives... .I am not their parent. For my own health and well being I have to let go of my ex and that means letting go of the kids too. In the end they are not mine. For me and for them to move forward I decided it was best to leave them be and not interfere in their lives. I miss and love them and I know  they miss and love me. They have a way to contact me if they need to and they know that they always can but I will not initiate contact because I feel it will only hurt them in the long run.

This is good info too... I think if you've made it CLEAR they have ways to contact you and you will always be there then letting it be will be much easier.

[Deeno02]

I had a hard time with it. I was dumped without being able to say goodbye to her kids. Still bothers me. I just let it go. As best as i can anyway.

[fred6]

Mine blocked me from seeing one social media (so either she cares somewhat, or just that was the official cut ties), and I believe has been somewhat quiet on social media beyond the big announcement, because her mom reached out after it was "FB" official and wished me happy holidays and so forth, so I found that odd, especially if the family knew how recent the BF was.

I think this all you can do is try to be present in her life... .If every 10 weeks she says its ok than by the time she's grown she'll remember and realize who made an effort to stay in her life. I do think it'll slow down moving on. I can already tell communicating with my Ex's family the few times I have, and even just texting the mom was hard on me so seeing them in person and like you said probing for information... .Will hold you back.

I think if you know it could be an unsafe situation for the 6 year old definitely stick around... .Thats why all our mutual friends know if this new replacement abuses her as she had in the past I told them and her family, let me know and best believe I will deal with it. With that said, in regards to the low profile who knows why they do it you know?

I wouldn't be shocked if she's changing up completely to how she was with you, you know? Like if she ate pizza on Tuesdays dating you, now Tuesdays is a burger. Just totally new patter for a new guy, and while I think the underlying BPD triggers would always remain. I don't think it does any of us any good to try and speculate such a thing, as they're all different... .Heck most of what I hope for is bouncing ideas off people and hoping to get the answer I want hahaha.

This is a tough one. One I have struggled with.  My ex has three kids. Two of them I am very close to and I was a huge part of their life for the last six years. I was also the only stable and reliable person in their life. They are 13 and 14 now. When my ex left me for the replacement the hardest part was losing the kids too. As much as I want to stay in touch with them and be part of their lives... .I am not their parent. For my own health and well being I have to let go of my ex and that means letting go of the kids too. In the end they are not mine. For me and for them to move forward I decided it was best to leave them be and not interfere in their lives. I miss and love them and I know  they miss and love me. They have a way to contact me if they need to and they know that they always can but I will not initiate contact because I feel it will only hurt them in the long run.

This is good info too... I think if you've made it CLEAR they have ways to contact you and you will always be there then letting it be will be much easier.

Yeah, the 17 yo isn't really the problem. He's at the age where he can see me if he wants to and he's been kicked out again anyhow, so he's not really under her control. It's the little girl that I don't know what to do. She's not really at the age to get in contact with me. I told her tonight that if she ever wants to do anything with me to just tell her mother or brother and we would try to work something out. Right then she asked me if I could come to see her tomorrow. I then had to explain to her that I didn't mean we could do something everyday or "all the time", just every once in a while.

[Mutt]

Kind of odd, because when I texted about 4-5 weeks ago and asked to see the 6 yo and the cat, she texted back, "you need to leave me the fcuk alone".

Feelings are quicksilver for her. You caught her when she was dysregulating.

found out that a month after I moved out, my ex asked her 17 son to leave again. He said that she told him that she just wanted it to be her and the daughter living together. She originally kicked him out about 6 weeks before she kicked me out.

I'm going to guess he stands up to her? Does she devaluate and split him black? It sounds like he's in the same boat as you. The good people that have courage to speak up for themselves she casts them out.

So should I disappear and leave the kids alone?

This is a tough one. One I have struggled with.  My ex has three kids. Two of them I am very close to and I was a huge part of their life for the last six years. I was also the only stable and reliable person in their life. They are 13 and 14 now.

fred6,

I have to agree with willtimeheal. I knew my SD15 for 7 years. My family said she's not yours and not yours to worry about.

My family didn't bond with her like a parent bonds with a child. Their relationship with her is different than my relationship with her. That said, it's too complicated with her mom and her at the moment.

I let her go for now. When she's older my doors open to re-kindle the relationship. I leave that to her.

It's hard to leave a child behind that you bond with knowing the chaos they face and your hands are tied. They may surprise you later with how much you mean to them. Don't give up hope. I think for now fred6 as sad and hard as it is, let the little one go. The oldest is of age soon and it's your choice if he wants to stay in touch? I don't see how mom has a voice for him there. If you have a good r/s with SD17 than I'm sure SD6 will hear about you through him later on life.

Your ex can devaluate you all she wants, the kids will know what you're like and judge based on how they feel and how they connect with you. Not based on how mom feels about you. They're smarter than we give them credit for and smearing only goes so far. The truth has a way of working it's way out.

I think from my experience, the best people that are closest to a pwBPD are the ones that are split black. Perhaps later you can help him sort the confusion with mom. If you already validate him, disregard what I say and if you don't validate what he feels. He's likely survived a lot from his mom. He may need someone in his corner that understands. It sounds like dad ( I could be wrong here ) dismissed his ex and perhaps it's too difficult for him to talk about mom to his son. Again, I could be wrong.

Another choice is, you're not obligated. They are her kids after all. Nothing wrong either way and a big loss to both nonetheless. You're both attached.

[SlyQQ]

 I ended up with both my sons sisters 12 an 14 at break up it is tricky ( UNDERSTATEMENT ) they didnt want to go an it was safer with me son was 8 at break up. Bottom line there is a lot of posturing ( it looks bad when her kids bail out ) an a bit of whats in it for me I was painted black from a nothing as soon as the kids didnt want to go ( an thats a long story ) best way or it to work is some share care ( she will not relinquish control per se but may let it slip ) a full on fight u will likely lose except in rare circumctances ( like mine ) an will be very bad for the kids ( there mum laid a couple of suicide attempts at there feet ) so if you are not black slow co -operation an her daughter might cramp her style in which case she will be happy to let u step up ( a lot honestly have difficulty coping with kids) good luck!

[fred6]

fred6,

I have to agree with willtimeheal. I knew my SD15 for 7 years. My family said she's not yours and not yours to worry about.

My family didn't bond with her like a parent bonds with a child. Their relationship with her is different than my relationship with her. That said, it's too complicated with her mom and her at the moment.

I let her go for now. When she's older my doors open to re-kindle the relationship. I leave that to her.

It's hard to leave a child behind that you bond with knowing the chaos they face and your hands are tied. They may surprise you later with how much you mean to them. Don't give up hope. I think for now fred6 as sad and hard as it is, let the little one go. The oldest is of age soon and it's your choice if he wants to stay in touch? I don't see how mom has a voice for him there. If you have a good r/s with SD17 than I'm sure SD6 will hear about you through him later on life.

Your ex can devaluate you all she wants, the kids will know what you're like and judge based on how they feel and how they connect with you. Not based on how mom feels about you. They're smarter than we give them credit for and smearing only goes so far. The truth has a way of working it's way out.

I think from my experience, the best people that are closest to a pwBPD are the ones that are split black. Perhaps later you can help him sort the confusion with mom. If you already validate him, disregard what I say and if you don't validate what he feels. He's likely survived a lot from his mom. He may need someone in his corner that understands. It sounds like dad ( I could be wrong here ) dismissed his ex and perhaps it's too difficult for him to talk about mom to his son. Again, I could be wrong.

Another choice is, you're not obligated. They are her kids after all. Nothing wrong either way and a big loss to both nonetheless. You're both attached.

I think what I'm going to do is to try and stick around for major hollidays, her birthday, and 3-4 assorted times during the year. Just enough to let her know that I do care about her. I think as she gets older, it will be more on her to continue the relationship if she chooses. I'll just proceed with caution and play it by ear according to how the ex is acting. I haven't seen or talked to ex(except a few texts) since Sept. 20.

In the event that I do see or spend time with her daughter in the future. The thought did cross my mind that I always need to have someone with me. I don't want to get accused of doing anything to her daughter. Even though I know that I didn't do anything wrong to cause any of this. My ex seems vindictive towards me, hence painted black, ... .