Do your friends or relatives know your SO has BPD?

[Mie]

I said to one of my best friends that I'm 99% sure my partner has BPD, and explained briefly what it means. She looked baffled, then rolled her eyes but didn't say anything! (She has had two alcoholic partners and she thinks mine is also one).

I also told my mother. She made a face and didn't say anything! (She probably thinks there is a demon in him).

So I didn't tell anyone anymore. Many people know he is 'challenging', some think he's an alcoholic.

The therapist I went to for a half a year (and him 2 times) said he's a narcissist before meeting him. After meeting him, she didn't say anything about it.

I have one friend who lives in a different country. Last time I visited her we started to talk about our partner's and we realized that their behaviour is exactly the same. We went on and on comparing and we laughed as we could guess what each one would say next. Then she separated from him. They had been together for years. After half a year, she told me she has come to a conclusion that he has BPD and now that she understands she is back with him!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Craydar]

As I understand it, BPD is not widely understood. I've also tried to explain this to my friends and i get a strange look or a 'she's just not into you' - it's frustrating

[natasha99]

Hi,

I joined because my GD had been diagnosed with BPD. The more I go thru my family history, which was not a very nice upbringing.

My Dad had a lot of BPD symtoms, rage was a big one, alcohol, detached. We lived in terror of his moods all the time. My parents split up 4 times a year or 2 between each one. I have 6 sisters, we all have short fuses. I get so mad at things I feel like my head is going to blow off. I really want life to be calm and peaceful but alcohol, etc. always get in the way.

Geting back to my GD, she has moved 2 provinces away, living in a student boarding house, working very parttime, and keeps trying to find relationships online. She was raped a year ago, she had gone out with a friend that was visiting for the weekend, to a bar that is mostly 18 yrs old to maybe 30 yrs old.  They were way overserved, tequila shots are the popular thing. They got very drunk, the bouncer, a guy from Germany on a student visa offered her a ride home, talked himself into the house, and forced sex on her. She said she kept saying no, and then she froze. Her brother found her in the bathroom crying, she had showered, he called the police, they told her not to bother with a rape kit as she had showered. They also told her it would take 2 years or more for court., and when they approached the guy, all he said was talk to my lawyer. He was not charged cause the police said they watched him for 2 months, and to quit calling them.

Her boyfriend at the time, who was supposed to pick them up, said it was her own fault. 3 months later she took all her sleeping pills, but woke her brother up and was taken to hospital. She then spent 2 weeks in mental hospital. parents came, she blamed her Mom for everything, (which I have gotten from my 3 middle aged kids) She moved 2 provinces away,her oldest brother and his wife live there, they have a disneyland marriage. He is a teacher, and she is in school in research, I don't want their marriage to be compromised.

2 weeks ago GD went to a safe house for 5 days where she met a guy, jail for 6 years, full of tattoos, and he tattooed her leg. She is 20, and he is 32. So after this book I just wrote, should I really tell what I think? go and force her to move? How far can we push?

Her parents are now splitting up, her dad has always worked away, like other countries. played disneyland daddy when home. Her Mom my daughter, is stressed to the point of needing her own room in a hospital. I want to go to her and make her take control of her life, she also took pills after she moved. She now has what she calls episodes, hears 2 voices, one with a german accent, telling her she will burn in hell etc. She did spend 6 weeks in an outpatient course. Dad is supportig her. She is lonely, but says she will never move back here. She also said she just wants to be happy. Home for her is a very small town, lots of gossip etc. She won't go there either. Her Mom wants out of there also.  How would you handle this mess?

     

[jedimaster]

For almost all of our 33 year marriage, my uBPDw and I have tried not to air our dirty laundry.  For me this has meant unnecessarily suffering in silence and thinking things were really my fault as she constantly insisted.  A few months ago I began learning about BPD and realized that is what she is dealing with (or actually, not dealing with).  Lately in her quest to "fix" me, she has started declaring that she is "telling everyone about me and the problems I have caused."  I decided that if she has chosen to break the silence, I am no longer going to sit by while she writes her version of our history to everyone who might listen.  So I have started talking.

Here's what I have found.

Everyone I have spoken to, without exception, knows the truth.  They just didn't have a name for it.  Everyone.  My parents, who love my wife dearly, wondered if I had really been married this long without realizing she had serious problems.  This week a long-time family friend who has known us our entire marriage told my mother, "I can't imagine what he's going through.  I've known for years that woman's crazy."  Other confessions have been met with knowing looks, eye rolls, and smiles, as if, "It's about time you figured this out!"  The family doctor never batted an eye, just sat and nodded agreement with everything I said.

You have nothing to lose by telling whomever you think should know, in my opinion.  Whether or not they believe you, or how much they choose to believe, is up to them.  Better they know and refuse to believe than not to know.  If pressed later, they can't say they never knew.

I am building my support team from the people I choose to tell.  I will know who I can count on, and I am making sure my side of the story gets out there.

My feeling is, there is a sense in which this is a battle.  Not against your SO or loved one, but against BPD.  I have chosen to stop retreating and defend myself.  Besides all of the books on living with BPD I have read, I am currently reading a biography of Winston Churchill's war years.  When I am finished I plan to read Sun Tzu's Art of War (I am not kidding.)  I feel the need for a broader strategy beyond just how to use SET and how not to JADE.

Good luck and keep spreading the news.