Advice for People who Self-Parented

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'd like to start a thread for us to give each other advice about life.  Self-parenting seems like a common theme here for many of us.  My dad taught me little or nothing about life.  He was always interested in money and appearances, and controlling my life.

I saw him deceive others and he often lied to me about very non-important things.

I couldn't take my family anymore and moved out when I was 18.  My mom's rages and my dad's controlling behavior was just too much to take.

I found myself so unequipped for life. 

Throughout my childhood my greatest coping mechanism was to focus on what was right before me and bury my emotions and hopes and dreams. 

So, when I got out on my own I didn't know what I wanted, or how to get it.  Well, I will correct myself, I wanted desperately to be loved.  I got the love from people who saw me as an easy target and used me to get what they want.

I learned many hard lessons.

For those of you who are still learning, my advice would be this... .

It is okay to say "NO".  In fact, it is essential to say "no."

Learn to love yourself.  I know that is a toughie.

Go with your gut.  If you feel you need a break, take one.  If you see a red flag, it is okay to go NC with someone.

Create a plan for your life and stick to it.  Don't let other people derail you.  If someone truly loves you they will encourage you to pursue your dreams.

Learn to enjoy your life, no matter what your circumstances.

Find healthy role models.

Take your life steady and slow. 

Avoid drugs and alcohol.

Always try to better yourself through education, reading and physical activity.

Find your higher power.

If anyone else has any tips on life, please add to the list!

[workinprogress]

I'd like to start a thread for us to give each other advice about life.  Self-parenting seems like a common theme here for many of us.  My dad taught me little or nothing about life.  He was always interested in money and appearances, and controlling my life.

I saw him deceive others and he often lied to me about very non-important things.

I couldn't take my family anymore and moved out when I was 18.  My mom's rages and my dad's controlling behavior was just too much to take.

I found myself so unequipped for life. 

Throughout my childhood my greatest coping mechanism was to focus on what was right before me and bury my emotions and hopes and dreams. 

So, when I got out on my own I didn't know what I wanted, or how to get it.  Well, I will correct myself, I wanted desperately to be loved.  I got the love from people who saw me as an easy target and used me to get what they want.

I learned many hard lessons.

For those of you who are still learning, my advice would be this... .

It is okay to say "NO".  In fact, it is essential to say "no."

Learn to love yourself.  I know that is a toughie.

Go with your gut.  If you feel you need a break, take one.  If you see a red flag, it is okay to go NC with someone.

Create a plan for your life and stick to it.  Don't let other people derail you.  If someone truly loves you they will encourage you to pursue your dreams.

Learn to enjoy your life, no matter what your circumstances.

Find healthy role models.

Take your life steady and slow. 

Avoid drugs and alcohol.

Always try to better yourself through education, reading and physical activity.

Find your higher power.

If anyone else has any tips on life, please add to the list!

[workinprogress]

Oh, and the biggest, accept yourself for who you are.  Don't let other people change you.

Remember, "you are the prize!"

[Ihope2]

Thank you for this valuable thread, Workinprogress.

I would like to add, it is very releasing to admit and acknowledge that we "Adult Children" (as those with an adapted and hurt "inner child" are called in some of the literature) did not receive the healthy parenting we needed when we were helpless to know any better. It was through no fault of our own that we had some developmental backlogs, which we now are striving to catch up on.

It is so very difficult to fight against this perpetual inner negativity and lack of belief in one's own worth, because it became so ingrained in us, but we need to counter-act it always.  Replace the negative self-talk with positive and gentle affirmations as often as possible.  No, I am not a dunce, an idiot, a retard, a stupid person, an imbecile or whatever other ugly descriptions I care to call myself!  I am a beautiful being, a creation of my Higher Power and I will claim my place in this world for as long as I am here.  I try my best and that is good enough.  Sometimes I am too scared, too tired, too overwhelmed, too anxious to try my best, but that's also ok.

I am lovable the way I am, and I will open my heart and let it connect with others whose hearts are also open and true and gentle.  I will not wish bad on anyone, but I will steer clear of those who will only bring harm my way. 

I will learn to forgive my parents and recognise that they had their own struggles brought forth from the lack of good parenting from their parents.  I recognise that the dysfunction probably had deep roots in both my parent's families of origin.  Nobody becomes damaged out of choice.  But we can choose to break the cycle of abuse and dysfunction and work on healing our wounded inner child.

[HappyNihilist]

Thank you so much for this thread and for the wonderful advice, workinprogress.   

Throughout my childhood my greatest coping mechanism was to focus on what was right before me and bury my emotions and hopes and dreams. 

So, when I got out on my own I didn't know what I wanted, or how to get it.  Well, I will correct myself, I wanted desperately to be loved.  I got the love from people who saw me as an easy target and used me to get what they want.

These words speak so much to me. And when those old feelings get triggered, I tend to react in a way I don't like -- it could be defensiveness, withdrawal, self-loathing, anything like that, but nothing positive or healthy. This is something I really need to work on. Did anything in particular help you, if you had similar issues?

[HappyNihilist]

Ihope2, thank you also for your wonderful advice. 

It is so very difficult to fight against this perpetual inner negativity and lack of belief in one's own worth, because it became so ingrained in us, but we need to counter-act it always.  Replace the negative self-talk with positive and gentle affirmations as often as possible. 

I'm currently reading Matthew KcKay and Patrick Fanning's Self-Esteem, and they really emphasize the need for constant vigilance, too.

No, I am not a dunce, an idiot, a retard, a stupid person, an imbecile or whatever other ugly descriptions I care to call myself!  I am a beautiful being, a creation of my Higher Power and I will claim my place in this world for as long as I am here.  I try my best and that is good enough.  Sometimes I am too scared, too tired, too overwhelmed, too anxious to try my best, but that's also ok.

I am lovable the way I am, and I will open my heart and let it connect with others whose hearts are also open and true and gentle.  I will not wish bad on anyone, but I will steer clear of those who will only bring harm my way. 

I love these affirmations. Thank you so much for sharing.

[workinprogress]

Thank you so much for this thread and for the wonderful advice, workinprogress.   

Throughout my childhood my greatest coping mechanism was to focus on what was right before me and bury my emotions and hopes and dreams. 

So, when I got out on my own I didn't know what I wanted, or how to get it.  Well, I will correct myself, I wanted desperately to be loved.  I got the love from people who saw me as an easy target and used me to get what they want.

These words speak so much to me. And when those old feelings get triggered, I tend to react in a way I don't like -- it could be defensiveness, withdrawal, self-loathing, anything like that, but nothing positive or healthy. This is something I really need to work on. Did anything in particular help you, if you had similar issues?

Wow, it's such a long and complicated story.  The first real clue into this that I got was probably around 25 years ago.

I was working at a teen crisis shelter and happened to come across a pamphlet that said people who were clumsy had trouble expressing anger.  I knew that I rarely if ever got angry.  Plus, the kids I grew up with called me "clutz" because I was a walking disaster at times.

I began to start monitoring my emotions.  I really tried to let things out.  I have gotten sidetracked many times, so you really need to stay vigilant.

A few things that I have learned, ask your higher power for help and protection while you figure things out.

Practice saying "no".

The most crucial thing I believe is listening to what your gut tells you.

Take time to relax, unwind, and reflect. 

Lastly, don't let other people pressure you or overwhelm you.