I just got texts from my BPDex about 30 mins ago.

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I just got texts from my BPDex about 30 mins ago.

She's asking for help getting her stuff. This is crazy because I left her things at her parents house MONTHS ago. She called too, I didn't pick up. I didn't respond to her texts either.

I *really* feel bad for her because I'm pretty sure she ended up homeless for a while after her hospital stay. On the other hand, I don't want to talk to her. I don't want any part of dealing with her. I don't want to involve myself in her issues. She's asking to meet up or call and I don't want to do either.

I'm also afraid that if I meet with her, I'll start wanting her again. That I'll just drag myself into another crazy cycle of codependency, boundary breaking and insanity (me being insane, that is.)

She couldn't text at a worse time. I'm going through depression and in the last few weeks I've been on a few dates and there was ZERO attraction to my dates (which sucks because they were quite nice,) I'm the sort of person that sees this more as a reflection of me. If all my dates aren't attractive to me, then I must not be attractive enough to get with someone who DOES pique my interest. So depression gets worse.

With her making contact, I'm reminded of someone who I was not only into physically (only two other people I saw in my life that were *just* my type, even though my friends think she wasn't hot, and at most just cute.) But also, she got all my jokes and she was able to make me laugh really hard, which is a big deal for me. I guess I'm shallow.

So now she's texting and if I meet her, THAT'S IT. It's over for me. I know exactly what I'll end up doing, and if she's already got a replacement, it will only be more painful (for more than just the obvious reason.) I will just end up circling the drain.

What should I do? Should I even bother replying? We're no longer together, it's been months and, for my own sanity, I want no involvement in her life. None. I know she needs help, and I know her situation is bad. I feel terrible for leaving someone I care about stranded like that. I feel like such a hypocrite, I talked about caring about her, loving her and all that. But here I am, practically hiding from her and not wanting to lift a finger to help. On the other hand, maybe I should embrace my selfishness.

Anyway, this was sort of long-winded as I'm panicking a little. What should I do, guys?

[Vatz]

So I just got texts from my BPDex about 30 mins ago.

She's asking for help getting her stuff. This is crazy because I left her things at her parents house MONTHS ago. She called too, I didn't pick up. I didn't respond to her texts either.

I *really* feel bad for her because I'm pretty sure she ended up homeless for a while after her hospital stay. On the other hand, I don't want to talk to her. I don't want any part of dealing with her. I don't want to involve myself in her issues. She's asking to meet up or call and I don't want to do either.

I'm also afraid that if I meet with her, I'll start wanting her again. That I'll just drag myself into another crazy cycle of codependency, boundary breaking and insanity (me being insane, that is.)

She couldn't text at a worse time. I'm going through depression and in the last few weeks I've been on a few dates and there was ZERO attraction to my dates (which sucks because they were quite nice,) I'm the sort of person that sees this more as a reflection of me. If all my dates aren't attractive to me, then I must not be attractive enough to get with someone who DOES pique my interest. So depression gets worse.

With her making contact, I'm reminded of someone who I was not only into physically (only two other people I saw in my life that were *just* my type, even though my friends think she wasn't hot, and at most just cute.) But also, she got all my jokes and she was able to make me laugh really hard, which is a big deal for me. I guess I'm shallow.

So now she's texting and if I meet her, THAT'S IT. It's over for me. I know exactly what I'll end up doing, and if she's already got a replacement, it will only be more painful (for more than just the obvious reason.) I will just end up circling the drain.

What should I do? Should I even bother replying? We're no longer together, it's been months and, for my own sanity, I want no involvement in her life. None. I know she needs help, and I know her situation is bad. I feel terrible for leaving someone I care about stranded like that. I feel like such a hypocrite, I talked about caring about her, loving her and all that. But here I am, practically hiding from her and not wanting to lift a finger to help. On the other hand, maybe I should embrace my selfishness.

Anyway, this was sort of long-winded as I'm panicking a little. What should I do, guys?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Most likely the text is about her and her needs.  Delete the texts and carry on.  Rollercoasters are fun - but sooner or later you have to get off them and get back to real life.

[Vatz]

Most likely the text is about her and her needs.  :)elete the texts and carry on.  Rollercoasters are fun - but sooner or later you have to get off them and get back to real life.

Seeing this, I know you are right.

It's about her needs.

"Search your feelings" came to mind with what you said.  

I guess I'm still dealing with FOG.

Thank you. Not for validating my plan of action, but for telling me what I know yet often ignore.

[Caramel]

She is an adult. She can take care of herself. She is responsible for herself. You are responsible for you and your well being. Anything you do against that is neglecting yourself. There is a difference between helping someone out and hurting yourself in the process. The only way you can help her is by letting her grow up and learn to take responsibility for her life. She can do that.

You are putting your emotional and mental well being first. That's not selfish. That's healthy behavior. As care takers we have not learnt that. We have learnt to put other people's needs first and ignore ours. And if we don't we feel guilty. We can change that. There is no guilt in respecting yourself. It is difficult. But it's necessary to live a healthy life.

[Sandman1881]

Block her. Then it will become about you again and you'll take away her ability to disturb you whenever she feels like it. We both know you do not need that. Stay strong. We are all in this together.

I've blocked mine from my #. It's a tough thing to do but seeing one come through for me would be all that much more difficult.

This too shall pass.

[fromheeltoheal]

What should I do? Should I even bother replying?

You answered your own question with this:

We're no longer together, it's been months and, for my own sanity, I want no involvement in her life. None.

I know that panicky feeling, and it's a great check-in with how you're doing with your detachment, but give yourself credit for thinking clearly and knowing what you don't want in your life, even in that state.

But here I am, practically hiding from her and not wanting to lift a finger to help. On the other hand, maybe I should embrace my selfishness.

Good call.  Selfishness gets a bad rap, but really it's mandatory; if we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give, and we know what will happen if we put the needs of someone with a personality disorder first, it will suck all the life out of us.

I think you know what you need to do Vatz, take deep breaths and create some calm for yourself, and act accordingly.  Take care of you!

[Vatz]

Just got back from a workout, it helped clear my head and calmed me.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

It seems I have much work to do regarding my guilt. I've been guilt-tripped very often as a child and now I'm starting to see how that critical voice lodged itself firmly in my brain. I know I've done a lot of bad things during my relationship with my BPDex, but no matter what I always apologized, discussed and sought to never repeat my mistakes. I this I was mostly successful. The problem is I have a hard time forgiving myself.

Anyway, I needed this. Thank you all.

[Caredverymuch]

Block her. Then it will become about you again and you'll take away her ability to disturb you whenever she feels like it. We both know you do not need that. Stay strong. We are all in this together.

This was indeed an important thing for me to do and one that took awhile.  Once I blocked my ex from every mode of communication, I found I really did make that internal statement of " no more".   His life is his own. I am not responsible for or reliant on him or his disorder.  I take care of me now.  I hope the same for every member on this board.

[Pingo]

Vatz, you have been through a lot and you are suffering from depression.  You really must take care of yourself right now.  I know you feel compassion for her but in the end you cannot save her, only yourself.  And you are smart to recognise the setback you will face if you give into her needs without regards to your own.  That is real growth right there!

She couldn't text at a worse time. I'm going through depression and in the last few weeks I've been on a few dates and there was ZERO attraction to my dates (which sucks because they were quite nice,) I'm the sort of person that sees this more as a reflection of me. If all my dates aren't attractive to me, then I must not be attractive enough to get with someone who DOES pique my interest. So depression gets worse.

Do you think that maybe not finding these women attractive is your way of keeping them away from your heart?  I know we all have a certain 'type' we think we are attracted to but assuming an attraction cannot grow is limited thinking and a self-defense mechanism.  Maybe you were not attracted for other reasons like they were not nice people and that is good to recognise.  But if it is about chemistry I would suggest getting to know them if they are nice and see where it goes, it may surprise you.  I had the best chemistry with men who I didn't find attractive in the least in the beginning.

[Vatz]

Do you think that maybe not finding these women attractive is your way of keeping them away from your heart?  I know we all have a certain 'type' we think we are attracted to but assuming an attraction cannot grow is limited thinking and a self-defense mechanism.  Maybe you were not attracted for other reasons like they were not nice people and that is good to recognise.  But if it is about chemistry I would suggest getting to know them if they are nice and see where it goes, it may surprise you.  I had the best chemistry with men who I didn't find attractive in the least in the beginning.

I've thought about it, and not really. I just don't because they just don't do it for me in any way. As for types, I see your point but it's sort of like this. Some or even quite a bit of deviation is fine and doesn't irk me. But the ones I've met... .it's not really even a "type" thing if you catch my drift. I feel bad about it because one of them keeps remarking on how good looking she thinks I am, and there's some guilt because I don't feel the same way about her. There's also another layer where I feel that if only people who I'm not interested in physically see me as good looking, that must mean I'm unattractive myself, and thus should probably just go with it because I can't do any better.

It's part of why I stayed in my BPD relationship so long, I just figured ":)amn, this is as good as it's ever going to get for me." I realize it's not healthy but there are objective measures of ones appearance. It just is. Someone says I'm too preoccupied with looks, and perhaps they're right. Thing is, I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't care for how I looked. What would you rather? Someone who thought you were "meh" or someone *WANTS* you (and it was mutual.) I know what I want, the feeling of hopelessness comes in knowing that I'm probably never going to get anywhere near it, no matter what I do. I feel like I could only have that go one way. Either they want me, or I want them, and it's never both. Maybe this is what most relationships are and that's just depressing, and I already have depression.

My T says I focus a lot on appearance, mostly my own.

It's a bit of a rant, I know.

Speaking of which, this point in the topic, I think probably belongs in L4.

[Blimblam]

Don't be hard on yourself vatZ. ! . Take as much time as you need to recenter yourself. Be as heeled pointed out "selfish". Selfish is a broad term, it doesn't have to mean greedy selfish but focusing on you self to recenter. Believe me if their was a short cut I would take it!  I still feel off kilter and like a wounded child but that's just where I am right now in the journey. I still struggle with the financial and status losses of all of this and have difficulty accepting where I am now but it is the struggling that keeps us stuck longer. The thing is the struggle is part of the journey too!  You are right where you are supposed to be right now.

[Mutt]

Vatz,

Depression is hard and now may not be an ideal time. Focus on you.

[Infared]

Take care of you Vatz. If you are depressed most likely you are very vulnerable... .so please be careful. I agree with commenters above... .you answer all of your own questions correctly in your own post!  Just listen to you. 

I also agree with others that you should block your ex from all media. It protects you from going through this again, AND shows you (GULP!), that you are serious about it being over... .

Real commitment to you will allow you to move forward.

[neverloveagain]

It's part of why I stayed in my BPD relationship so long, I just figured ":)amn, this is as good as it's ever going to get for me.

im feeling that.

[BorisAcusio]

It's part of why I stayed in my BPD relationship so long, I just figured ":)amn, this is as good as it's ever going to get for me.

im feeling that.

Sometimes I feel that way, too. Especially after noticing how the dating pool is shrinking with age. Then I remind myself that I don't mint hiss her as a person but what she represented to me and holes her idealization filled in my self-esteem. It is just as superficial and need-driven as the BPD's way of attaching to people.

[BorisAcusio]

I realize it's not healthy but there are objective measures of ones appearance. It just is. Someone says I'm too preoccupied with looks, and perhaps they're right. Thing is, I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't care for how I looked. What would you rather? Someone who thought you were "meh" or someone *WANTS* you (and it was mutual.) I know what I want, the feeling of hopelessness comes in knowing that I'm probably never going to get anywhere near it, no matter what I do. I feel like I could only have that go one way. Either they want me, or I want them, and it's never both. Maybe this is what most relationships are and that's just depressing, and I already have depression.

It's a self esteem issue. Here, in Eastern Europe, I see strikingly beautiful women with below average looking guys every single day.

[neverloveagain]

her idealization filled in my self-esteem. 

bingo  codependant gotta fix that for myself and yes its as unhealthy as the BPD, thats a very good point. Were sick too.

[fromheeltoheal]

her idealization filled in my self-esteem. 

bingo  codependant gotta fix that for myself and yes its as unhealthy as the BPD, thats a very good point. Were sick too.

And also realizing there's a line there.  Caring about someone, making their needs and the relationship a priority, becoming emotionally enmeshed, attached and intimate, and feeling great about yourself as a result, those things are healthy, signs of a good relationship and standard human. 

And realizing the other person is a full-time project, needs to be in control, and the relationship will always be all about them, and buying into that anyway, staying around, losing yourself in the other person's stuff, defining yourself around the other person and their needs, getting your needs met based on the other person's poor functioning, and staying in a radically imbalanced dynamic, that's codependency.

So did you go there?  For how long?  Did it actually feel good to be immersed in that dynamic?  Or did it feel bad and wrong, you tolerated it for a while and then bailed?

[hope2727]

Caring about someone, making their needs and the relationship a priority, becoming emotionally enmeshed, attached and intimate, and feeling great about yourself as a result, those things are healthy, signs of a good relationship and standard human. 

And realizing the other person is a full-time project, needs to be in control, and the relationship will always be all about them, and buying into that anyway, staying around, losing yourself in the other person's stuff, defining yourself around the other person and their needs, getting your needs met based on the other person's poor functioning, and staying in a radically imbalanced dynamic, that's codependency.

Thank you thank you thank you

I really have been looking for an explanation of this.

[neverloveagain]

I stayed for 10 years didnt notice much till after year 3 she started to get a bit more kooky. Then at year 9 to10 she started the full devaluation with teeth i knew it was coming to an end but i just nearly burned myself out trying harder and harder to keep the train on the tracks wich was futile really as she made sure it crashed properly. Looking back what i thought was a goid thing was pretty bad we probably hurt each other as bad but in different ways if that makes sense.