Contact - looking for thoughts

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

It's been a long time since I've been on here.  This is primarily because I've been doing quite well, and I've been quite busy.  The ex contacts me every 3-4 weeks, via text, and we have trivial exchanges that are generally harmless.

The last couple, while certainly not causing the frustration and anguish that contact used to cause, have not been fading away in the manner I'd like.  About a month and a half ago, she texted me asking to talk on the phone.  I couldn't (work is busy), and said as much, and she said ok, another time.  She tried a couple more times, all times when I was working.  Finally she just texted me what she wanted to say: I got a new job (great: we won't be working together anymore.  Truly good news) and my father's illness has improved (also good news) and I'm happy.  This didn't bother me at all, as I've been doing well, and I genuinely congratulated her, although I have doubts about how lasting this is of course.  She said she still wanted to talk because of course she wanted to hear about me too (of course), and I said sure, but nothing came of it. 

A couple weeks later she sent me a text which was just an image, a meme relating to a term of endearment we used to share.  I responded with a smiley face and that was it.  Nothing for about four weeks, which included my birthday and Thanksgiving.  Then, today I got "happy Thanksgiving.  Today is my last day [at work]."  I was superficial, although I did mention my birthday, and that I had had a unique family moment, which rated a minimal response.  We went back and forth about her new job, concerns, etc (this is undoubtedly why she texted me). Told me she was going to Vegas and California on vacation.  Finally she wrote "was cleaning out my locker and found the stuffed animal you gave me ."  I said " cute" and that was it. 

I'm not 20% as upset as I would have been 6 months ago, but I'm still not as indifferent as I'd been recently.  I have no interest in her, really in any realm (friends, romance, etc), but all of this still has gotten under my skin.  I had gotten to the point where interactions with her didn't make me feel bad about myself anymore, but this brought a little of that back. 

I just am hoping for people's thoughts on this.  What is this all about?  To be clear: LC (no initiated contact on my part) has been working well for me and I don't intend to deviate from that for any reason.  I'm just wasting mental energy trying to understand it, and I'm hoping for some help.  Thank you all.

[BacknthSaddle]

Hi all,

It's been a long time since I've been on here.  This is primarily because I've been doing quite well, and I've been quite busy.  The ex contacts me every 3-4 weeks, via text, and we have trivial exchanges that are generally harmless.

The last couple, while certainly not causing the frustration and anguish that contact used to cause, have not been fading away in the manner I'd like.  About a month and a half ago, she texted me asking to talk on the phone.  I couldn't (work is busy), and said as much, and she said ok, another time.  She tried a couple more times, all times when I was working.  Finally she just texted me what she wanted to say: I got a new job (great: we won't be working together anymore.  Truly good news) and my father's illness has improved (also good news) and I'm happy.  This didn't bother me at all, as I've been doing well, and I genuinely congratulated her, although I have doubts about how lasting this is of course.  She said she still wanted to talk because of course she wanted to hear about me too (of course), and I said sure, but nothing came of it. 

A couple weeks later she sent me a text which was just an image, a meme relating to a term of endearment we used to share.  I responded with a smiley face and that was it.  Nothing for about four weeks, which included my birthday and Thanksgiving.  Then, today I got "happy Thanksgiving.  Today is my last day [at work]."  I was superficial, although I did mention my birthday, and that I had had a unique family moment, which rated a minimal response.  We went back and forth about her new job, concerns, etc (this is undoubtedly why she texted me). Told me she was going to Vegas and California on vacation.  Finally she wrote "was cleaning out my locker and found the stuffed animal you gave me ."  I said " cute" and that was it. 

I'm not 20% as upset as I would have been 6 months ago, but I'm still not as indifferent as I'd been recently.  I have no interest in her, really in any realm (friends, romance, etc), but all of this still has gotten under my skin.  I had gotten to the point where interactions with her didn't make me feel bad about myself anymore, but this brought a little of that back. 

I just am hoping for people's thoughts on this.  What is this all about?  To be clear: LC (no initiated contact on my part) has been working well for me and I don't intend to deviate from that for any reason.  I'm just wasting mental energy trying to understand it, and I'm hoping for some help.  Thank you all.

[FoolishMan]

Hi all,

It's been a long time since I've been on here.  This is primarily because I've been doing quite well, and I've been quite busy.  The ex contacts me every 3-4 weeks, via text, and we have trivial exchanges that are generally harmless.

The last couple, while certainly not causing the frustration and anguish that contact used to cause, have not been fading away in the manner I'd like.  About a month and a half ago, she texted me asking to talk on the phone.  I couldn't (work is busy), and said as much, and she said ok, another time.  She tried a couple more times, all times when I was working.  Finally she just texted me what she wanted to say: I got a new job (great: we won't be working together anymore.  Truly good news) and my father's illness has improved (also good news) and I'm happy.  This didn't bother me at all, as I've been doing well, and I genuinely congratulated her, although I have doubts about how lasting this is of course.  She said she still wanted to talk because of course she wanted to hear about me too (of course), and I said sure, but nothing came of it. 

A couple weeks later she sent me a text which was just an image, a meme relating to a term of endearment we used to share.  I responded with a smiley face and that was it.  Nothing for about four weeks, which included my birthday and Thanksgiving.  Then, today I got "happy Thanksgiving.  Today is my last day [at work]."  I was superficial, although I did mention my birthday, and that I had had a unique family moment, which rated a minimal response.  We went back and forth about her new job, concerns, etc (this is undoubtedly why she texted me). Told me she was going to Vegas and California on vacation.  Finally she wrote "was cleaning out my locker and found the stuffed animal you gave me ."  I said " cute" and that was it. 

I'm not 20% as upset as I would have been 6 months ago, but I'm still not as indifferent as I'd been recently.  I have no interest in her, really in any realm (friends, romance, etc), but all of this still has gotten under my skin.  I had gotten to the point where interactions with her didn't make me feel bad about myself anymore, but this brought a little of that back. 

I just am hoping for people's thoughts on this.  What is this all about?  To be clear: LC (no initiated contact on my part) has been working well for me and I don't intend to deviate from that for any reason.  I'm just wasting mental energy trying to understand it, and I'm hoping for some help.  Thank you all.

I think that's why people who have healed almost 100% always recommend NC all the way. During the 8 months we've been broken up I wanted her back for two, hated her for four then as the pain subsided I became indifferent and somewhat detached. I then got involved in some revenge on the guy she cheated with and she tried for weeks to come back. I was fine. It's been over a week since she last tried or at least since I've had a call from a blocked called ID. I've started to wonder what she's upto, second guessing wether I should have taken her back and not been so dismissive and harsh (like she was during B/U/cheating). I've even remembered little things she did I liked.

I think it will last a couple of weeks at most then the NC will take effect and I will go back to spending very little time ruminating. I know that the pains gone now but could be brought back by me letting her into my life.

I hope you get some peace from her soon and have some NC time to re detach.

[BacknthSaddle]

Thanks FoolishMan. I know what you say is true. Because we work together I've never been able to block her entirely (work email and such), but ive been proud of how I've been able to deal with the contact up until today. That little "" was enough to ruin my whole day. Make me feel small. Although I realize she can only make me feel how I already feel about myself.

I hope others will respond. I'm so angry at how this is upsetting me.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm not 20% as upset as I would have been 6 months ago, but I'm still not as indifferent as I'd been recently.  I have no interest in her, really in any realm (friends, romance, etc), but all of this still has gotten under my skin.  I had gotten to the point where interactions with her didn't make me feel bad about myself anymore, but this brought a little of that back. 

BackntheSaddle, I can sympathize with you. My exbf contacts me about every 6-8 weeks, almost always neutral brief exchanges, and while I can normally maintain distance -- no more heart jumping into my throat! -- there are times when it gets under my skin, too. And I can't even explain why a particular interaction might stick with me... .it could seem innocuous on the surface... .and I also have a hard time verbalizing exactly what feeling(s) it brings up in me.

I think any contact with them naturally triggers us in some way, even if it looks neutral and harmless on the surface. We can't erase or forget about our history with them. Also, they are experts at survival, and they know us very well -- strengths, weaknesses, etc. They may not consciously manipulate us, but they can fall into that behavior easily. And we can easily fall into our old behavior and thought patterns when dealing with them.

Really I think my ex is just trying to get a reaction out of me. If they can get a reaction, they have some power. This may be the case with your ex. Remember, they know us very well. She probably knew what reaction her comment would have. She can't help poking.

Why are you angry at yourself for letting this upset you? Do you feel like you've failed yourself in some way? It's human to be affected by things that people do and say to us, especially people with whom we have such a complicated, turbulent, emotional history. You should be proud of all the healing and work you've done, and how far you've come.

You said that you don't plan to deviate from LC. We all have to choose what works for us. What do you feel you gain from being LC as opposed to NC? I understand that so far it's worked well for you, but it may be that there comes a point when NC is necessary for your continued healing. This isn't to say that you have to cut her out of your life forever, but that if interactions with her hold the potential to make you feel bad about yourself, you need to ensure you're protected in some way.

[BacknthSaddle]

Also, they are experts at survival, and they know us very well -- strengths, weaknesses, etc. They may not consciously manipulate us, but they can fall into that behavior easily. And we can easily fall into our old behavior and thought patterns when dealing with them.

Really I think my ex is just trying to get a reaction out of me. If they can get a reaction, they have some power. This may be the case with your ex. Remember, they know us very well. She probably knew what reaction her comment would have. She can't help poking.

Thanks Happy Nihilist.  You are right about this.  There are many reasons why I have not protected myself from all contact, the leading one of which is that we work together and I can't block work related email, for example, and blocking text would invariably lead to a confrontation in the work setting that is undesirable.  Another reason, though, is that I have taken pride of late in the degree to which I have been able to avoid my old patterns and avoid giving a reaction when I am poked.  That does actually make me feel good about myself.  As a result I think the pokings are now fewer and further between, and so I am unprepared for them when they arive. Still, I did not give a reaction, and I feel good about that.  It has just been much harder work to avoid reacting this time around.

Why are you angry at yourself for letting this upset you? Do you feel like you've failed yourself in some way? It's human to be affected by things that people do and say to us, especially people with whom we have such a complicated, turbulent, emotional history. You should be proud of all the healing and work you've done, and how far you've come.

You are very right: it is human.  I think the anger at myself has begun to fade away.  Thank you for your help.