Signing off. Thank you.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all. 

This will be my last post on bpdfamily for the foreseeable future.  I want to share some closing thoughts:

The majority of us on here are not psychologists, and thus not qualified to diagnose someone with a personality disorder or not.  Perhaps it was pretentious of me to label her and it allowed me to take the focus off of my own problems, which are numerous.  And personality disorder or not, we have to remember that any person we have a relationship is a human being, and therefore we should treat them with love, kindness, and respect.  It is so easy to come on this board and vent and say all the horrible things our partners/ex's do/did but it is not fair to just throw a label on them and not take any responsibility for your own issues.

During my relationship with my exgf I had a good deal of problems.  I engaged in serious substance abuse and had days of depression when I could hardly get out of bed or leave my apartment.  She stood by my side and tried to help me through all of this and I did not appreciate it.  Instead I just said, "Well you're the one with disorder," when I clearly have an anxiety and depressive disorder.  The proverbial pot calling the kettle black.  I am also a very flirty person by nature and I did not realize how much my interactions with other females during our relationship hurt her.  It is not that either one of us was right or wrong; it is simply that we saw the world differently.  We have different cultural backgrounds, and that definitely caused conflict between us.  Again, not saying either one of us was right or wrong, just different. 

Another place where I was hypocritical was black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking.  I would accuse and complain about how my exgf "lived in black and white and couldn't see the grey area" but I did the same thing.  I am a perfectionist by nature and refused to do things until they were "just right".  I have books around my apartment I bought three years ago that I am still waiting to read because the time isn't "just right".  The idea of going into a clothing store gave me tremendous anxiety because I have body-image issues and I didn't want to buy any clothing unless I was in "perfect shape".  The list goes on and on but my point is that she put up with it and tried with all her heart to help me.  Further, I would make statements like "NC is the only way to go" and "The only real closure is NC".  This is not true.  Again, I don't know whether my ex has a personality disorder or not, and really now that we are broken up it is none of my business.  But either way it is possible to have closure with a person if you can be mature, civil, and behave like an adult.  I did not do any of those three things yet I accused her of being immature.  I have since realized it is possible to have closure and move on in life.

My point is that we should all remember that any person in this world deserves respect and not to be torn apart in public.  It is one thing to turn to friends but it is another to say horrible things about your partner to the whole world.  It is important to take a look in the mirror and see your own role in the relationship because putting all the problems on your partner because of a supposed disorder is cowardly and in some ways taking the easy way out. 

My relationship taught me so much about myself and about life.  It took me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  I am thankful for meeting my ex-girlfriend, because without going through this experience I would still be so lost in this world.  She has a beautiful heart and while she and I both know we cannot be together, the relationship taught us both incredible life lessons and she is a person that I do now respect and a part of me will always care for. 

I wish everyone on these boards the best of luck and want to remind you to take a look at yourself before putting all the blame elsewhere. 

[StayOrLeave15]

Hello all. 

This will be my last post on bpdfamily for the foreseeable future.  I want to share some closing thoughts:

The majority of us on here are not psychologists, and thus not qualified to diagnose someone with a personality disorder or not.  Perhaps it was pretentious of me to label her and it allowed me to take the focus off of my own problems, which are numerous.  And personality disorder or not, we have to remember that any person we have a relationship is a human being, and therefore we should treat them with love, kindness, and respect.  It is so easy to come on this board and vent and say all the horrible things our partners/ex's do/did but it is not fair to just throw a label on them and not take any responsibility for your own issues.

During my relationship with my exgf I had a good deal of problems.  I engaged in serious substance abuse and had days of depression when I could hardly get out of bed or leave my apartment.  She stood by my side and tried to help me through all of this and I did not appreciate it.  Instead I just said, "Well you're the one with disorder," when I clearly have an anxiety and depressive disorder.  The proverbial pot calling the kettle black.  I am also a very flirty person by nature and I did not realize how much my interactions with other females during our relationship hurt her.  It is not that either one of us was right or wrong; it is simply that we saw the world differently.  We have different cultural backgrounds, and that definitely caused conflict between us.  Again, not saying either one of us was right or wrong, just different. 

Another place where I was hypocritical was black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking.  I would accuse and complain about how my exgf "lived in black and white and couldn't see the grey area" but I did the same thing.  I am a perfectionist by nature and refused to do things until they were "just right".  I have books around my apartment I bought three years ago that I am still waiting to read because the time isn't "just right".  The idea of going into a clothing store gave me tremendous anxiety because I have body-image issues and I didn't want to buy any clothing unless I was in "perfect shape".  The list goes on and on but my point is that she put up with it and tried with all her heart to help me.  Further, I would make statements like "NC is the only way to go" and "The only real closure is NC".  This is not true.  Again, I don't know whether my ex has a personality disorder or not, and really now that we are broken up it is none of my business.  But either way it is possible to have closure with a person if you can be mature, civil, and behave like an adult.  I did not do any of those three things yet I accused her of being immature.  I have since realized it is possible to have closure and move on in life.

My point is that we should all remember that any person in this world deserves respect and not to be torn apart in public.  It is one thing to turn to friends but it is another to say horrible things about your partner to the whole world.  It is important to take a look in the mirror and see your own role in the relationship because putting all the problems on your partner because of a supposed disorder is cowardly and in some ways taking the easy way out. 

My relationship taught me so much about myself and about life.  It took me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  I am thankful for meeting my ex-girlfriend, because without going through this experience I would still be so lost in this world.  She has a beautiful heart and while she and I both know we cannot be together, the relationship taught us both incredible life lessons and she is a person that I do now respect and a part of me will always care for. 

I wish everyone on these boards the best of luck and want to remind you to take a look at yourself before putting all the blame elsewhere. 

[Elpis]

I just read this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238014.0 and it seems worth reading for you--it gives a good perspective on the goals of the bpdfamily site and addresses the bashing that can happen when someone is recently out of a romantic relationship.

I'm a huge fan of compassion and respect for humanity in general, so I hear you on the point of not wanting to see someone with a possible disorder bashed. I know I have vented at times in great frustration over leaving a 38 year marriage because of the emotional abuse, and that's been necessary at times. But we really need to watch ourselves that we don't get stuck there. We need to be able to process our wounds, but we don't want to LIVE in our wounds forever--that would be incredibly unhealthy for us!

My T would absolutely agree that my job is to take care of me. Learn how to have good boundaries, quit being codependent/enabling. Take responsibility for my choices and my actions that left me in the abusive situation to begin with.

I'm glad you're able to see where you were not perfect in the relationship, none of us can be, we're human. The difficulty comes when one of the people in the relationship does not want the dynamics to change, and that's when we need to make our informed adult decision whether to "stay or leave" as your name states.

It's a pretty complicated situation generally speaking, and both partners need to be responsible for their actions and choices.

Even when a person has hurt me badly, I don't want to remain in the middle of the mud puddle, I want to work my way through it to the other side where I can get cleaned up and move on. I think that's some of what you're saying, to keep moving through the mud, don't just sit there. That's exactly the message that bpdfamily promotes, the healing process. I think if all of us here worked through the lessons and the stages of detachment listed to the right, we'd keep that message and ideal in mind.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Skip]

Beautifully started detachment and a shift to self-awareness. Congratulations.

Its takes a lot of strength to accomplish this.

I hope you'll exlpore taking the next step with us and do some work on personal inventory and maybe help members here that are much earlier in the recovery cycle than yourself.

Whatever you decide is good.  

My hat is off to you, Sir.

[hergestridge]

Hello all. 

This will be my last post on bpdfamily for the foreseeable future.  I want to share some closing thoughts:

The majority of us on here are not psychologists, and thus not qualified to diagnose someone with a personality disorder or not.  Perhaps it was pretentious of me to label her and it allowed me to take the focus off of my own problems, which are numerous.  And personality disorder or not, we have to remember that any person we have a relationship is a human being, and therefore we should treat them with love, kindness, and respect.  It is so easy to come on this board and vent and say all the horrible things our partners/ex's do/did but it is not fair to just throw a label on them and not take any responsibility for your own issues.

During my relationship with my exgf I had a good deal of problems.  I engaged in serious substance abuse and had days of depression when I could hardly get out of bed or leave my apartment.  She stood by my side and tried to help me through all of this and I did not appreciate it.  Instead I just said, "Well you're the one with disorder," when I clearly have an anxiety and depressive disorder.  The proverbial pot calling the kettle black.  I am also a very flirty person by nature and I did not realize how much my interactions with other females during our relationship hurt her.  It is not that either one of us was right or wrong; it is simply that we saw the world differently.  We have different cultural backgrounds, and that definitely caused conflict between us.  Again, not saying either one of us was right or wrong, just different. 

Another place where I was hypocritical was black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking.  I would accuse and complain about how my exgf "lived in black and white and couldn't see the grey area" but I did the same thing.  I am a perfectionist by nature and refused to do things until they were "just right".  I have books around my apartment I bought three years ago that I am still waiting to read because the time isn't "just right".  The idea of going into a clothing store gave me tremendous anxiety because I have body-image issues and I didn't want to buy any clothing unless I was in "perfect shape".  The list goes on and on but my point is that she put up with it and tried with all her heart to help me.  Further, I would make statements like "NC is the only way to go" and "The only real closure is NC".  This is not true.  Again, I don't know whether my ex has a personality disorder or not, and really now that we are broken up it is none of my business.  But either way it is possible to have closure with a person if you can be mature, civil, and behave like an adult.  I did not do any of those three things yet I accused her of being immature.  I have since realized it is possible to have closure and move on in life.

My point is that we should all remember that any person in this world deserves respect and not to be torn apart in public.  It is one thing to turn to friends but it is another to say horrible things about your partner to the whole world.  It is important to take a look in the mirror and see your own role in the relationship because putting all the problems on your partner because of a supposed disorder is cowardly and in some ways taking the easy way out. 

My relationship taught me so much about myself and about life.  It took me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  I am thankful for meeting my ex-girlfriend, because without going through this experience I would still be so lost in this world.  She has a beautiful heart and while she and I both know we cannot be together, the relationship taught us both incredible life lessons and she is a person that I do now respect and a part of me will always care for. 

I wish everyone on these boards the best of luck and want to remind you to take a look at yourself before putting all the blame elsewhere. 

I'm sorry, but I can't help but feeling that you have discovered something about yourself and now you are teaching everybody a lesson. It is great that you have found insight, but why the accusing tone? Do the other forum members have problems like yours? Are the other BPD partners also possibly misdiagnosed in order to hide the problems of the "non"? The situation does *not* sound familiar tbh.

[BuildingFromScratch]

When you say "My point is that we should all remember that any person in this world deserves respect and not to be torn apart in public." are you talking about bpdfamily as a public place? It sounds to me like she told you that she didn't want you being here and talking about her to the world.

My ex for years told me not to talk about her to anyone. I obliged and so I never felt like I had a right to talk about her to my friends or even my therapist. This caused me to stay confused and in the FOG, because I had no outside input. It is healthy to seek support and vent "to the world". I totally disagree with that. If you are saying bash her on facebook all day, then yeah I agree. But if seeking support here is "tearing her apart to the world", then you're just neglecting yourself and submitting to the FOG

[Skip]

But if seeking support here is "tearing her apart to the world". You're just neglecting yourself and submitting to the FOG.

I don't think seeking support here is "tearing her apart to the world". I'd venture that StayOrLeave15 isn't saying that, but he can speak for himself  

What I interpreted him to be saying is that some of us go too far and for too long and get lost in it.  That's not a good thing.

I might take it one step further and say that sometimes when we see a member having a tough day and lashing out, rather than centering him, we throw gas on the fire.  That's not a good thing, either.  The wisemind is at the center.

This is a good community and a strong one, and we need to challenge ourselves to be bpdfamily.com rather an not just the emotions.  Its a good thing to do 

[HappyNihilist]

StayOrLeave, it sounds like you've reached a good place with yourself. You are detaching with empathy, and you are focusing on yourself and becoming more self-aware. You're learning from this experience and using those lessons to help you grow. That's very commendable and takes a lot of hard work and strength.  

I agree completely that it's not healthy to stay stuck in that anger or play the blame game. And it's not good to lean heavily on overgeneralizations, which stunts our empathy and keeps us trapped in thinking errors that prevent us from accurately understanding reality. It's certainly not healthy to deny that we played a big role in our relationship.

We all heal differently, and at different rates. Anger and venting is often a part of this process, particularly in the early stages after the relationship ends. Especially here, in a safe and anonymous place among those who've had similar experiences. We all need a safe place to acknowledge and explore our feelings. The important thing is not to get stuck there.

You're right that we can't let anything take the focus off of ourselves. Otherwise, we will miss important truths and opportunities to grow. The only way to detach and heal is to look at ourselves.  

I wish you the best of luck in your journey.  

I'm a huge fan of compassion and respect for humanity in general, so I hear you on the point of not wanting to see someone with a possible disorder bashed. I know I have vented at times in great frustration over leaving a 38 year marriage because of the emotional abuse, and that's been necessary at times. But we really need to watch ourselves that we don't get stuck there. We need to be able to process our wounds, but we don't want to LIVE in our wounds forever--that would be incredibly unhealthy for us!

Even when a person has hurt me badly, I don't want to remain in the middle of the mud puddle, I want to work my way through it to the other side where I can get cleaned up and move on. I think that's some of what you're saying, to keep moving through the mud, don't just sit there. That's exactly the message that bpdfamily promotes, the healing process. I think if all of us here worked through the lessons and the stages of detachment listed to the right, we'd keep that message and ideal in mind.

[StayOrLeave15]

Beautifully started detachment and a shift to self-awareness. Congratulations.

My hat is off to you, Sir.

Thank you, Skip.

I'm sorry, but I can't help but feeling that you have discovered something about yourself and now you are teaching everybody a lesson. It is great that you have found insight, but why the accusing tone? Do the other forum members have problems like yours? Are the other BPD partners also possibly misdiagnosed in order to hide the problems of the "non"? The situation does *not* sound familiar tbh.

Hergestridge, I did not intend an accusatory tone.  Any type of reprimanding was directed at my own behavior and was just a reminder to others that it does take two to tango.  All I wanted to say is that respect is important, as I have been guilty of not showing it many times.

When you say "My point is that we should all remember that any person in this world deserves respect and not to be torn apart in public." are you talking about bpdfamily as a public place? It sounds to me like she told you that she didn't want you being here and talking about her to the world.

BuildingFromScratch, no I am not calling bpdfamily a public place.  I am referring to my own behavior of telling many friends and even people not very close to me about the details of our relationship. In terms of this site, Skip's interpretation was correct:

What I interpreted him to be saying is that some of us go too far and for too long and get lost in it.  That's not a good thing.

I might take it one step further and say that sometimes when we see a member having a tough day and lashing out, rather than centering him, we throw gas on the fire.  That's not a good thing, either.  The wisemind is at the center.

Thank you for your kind, heartfelt words, HappyNihilist.

StayOrLeave, it sounds like you've reached a good place with yourself. You are detaching with empathy, and you are focusing on yourself and becoming more self-aware. You're learning from this experience and using those lessons to help you grow. That's very commendable and takes a lot of hard work and strength. 

I agree completely that it's not healthy to stay stuck in that anger or play the blame game. And it's not good to lean heavily on overgeneralizations, which stunts our empathy and keeps us trapped in thinking errors that prevent us from accurately understanding reality. It's certainly not healthy to deny that we played a big role in our relationship.

We all heal differently, and at different rates. Anger and venting is often a part of this process, particularly in the early stages after the relationship ends. Especially here, in a safe and anonymous place among those who've had similar experiences. We all need a safe place to acknowledge and explore our feelings. The important thing is not to get stuck there.

You're right that we can't let anything take the focus off of ourselves. Otherwise, we will miss important truths and opportunities to grow. The only way to detach and heal is to look at ourselves. 

I wish you the best of luck in your journey. 

[foggydew]

Stayorleave, congratulations on your achievements. Takes a lot of maturity to write what you have written and to get to that point. As you write, it is an end point for your relationship ... with your ex and with this community. I'm moved and delighted to read it.

[fred6]

OK my turn  

StayOrLeave15, I want to applaud you in your post. I feel that your post will be helpful to people. Even if it's just one person, it's worth it. However we have to remember that everyone's situation and journey is different. Please forgive me, I don't recall your story. But it looks like you have found a personal truth. And for that sir, you have my deepest respect. I'm not there yet.

Also, we have to remember that most people here are raw and emotional. I'm still only 11 weeks after moving out and I'm still fcuked up. Even though most of us did have our part to play in our current situations. Most of us didn't ask for this trauma in our lives. It really is a $hitty deal. But we got it and have to deal with it!

Hergestridge, I did not intend an accusatory tone.  Any type of reprimanding was directed at my own behavior and was just a reminder to others that it does take two to tango.  All I wanted to say is that respect is important, as I have been guilty of not showing it many times.

Respect is very important in life. However, abuse is not important. Many members here have been abused to some extent. Hence, the venting.

BuildingFromScratch, no I am not calling bpdfamily a public place.  I am referring to my own behavior of telling many friends and even people not very close to me about the details of our relationship. In terms of this site, Skip's interpretation was correct:

I talk to everyone about my situation. It gives me a release and a different perspective. Ask 100 people a question and gauge the response. Although most peoples opinion doesn't matter. It does give you some perspective on your situation. We all need and want validation. Most here are victims even though we are adults responsible for our own situation.

StayOrLeave15, you have made a step that I haven't yet made. I hope that you will stay and help guide some of the newer member to find and easier path through this $hitstorm. Without this place I don't know where I'd be right now. Whether you stay or leave(pun intended), GOOD LUCK AND GOD SPEED.

[Mutt]

Bravo StayOrLeave15  I tip my hat to you as well sir. Best of luck.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Sorry about my misinterpretation. Good luck and congratulations on moving on with your life.

[Skip]

Also, we have to remember that most people here are raw and emotional. I'm still only 11 weeks after moving out and I'm still f____ up. Even though most of us did have our part to play in our current situations. Most of us didn't ask for this trauma in our lives. It really is as____ deal. But we got it and have to deal with it!

Don't feel pressured Fred6.  11 weeks is a very early in the process.  You experience was really bad.

[downwhim]

Good luck to you.

[Faith1520]

Well stated, StayorLeave15. I think it's important to have compassion for all human beings, especially ones with a sickness.  Also, to be careful how often we are making ourselves their victim. Yes, it's frustrating that they are in denial and won't face themselves, but it takes two to tango. They didn't ask to have a sickness anymore than we asked to fall in love with someone with a sickness. On the other end of things, they are adults now and need to take responsibility for themselves, just as we need to take responsibility for ourselves.

Happy for you to be moving through the healing process and sounds like you are working through some things within yourself. Best of luck to you!

[StayOrLeave15]

StayOrLeave15, you have made a step that I haven't yet made. I hope that you will stay and help guide some of the newer member to find and easier path through this $hitstorm. Without this place I don't know where I'd be right now. Whether you stay or leave(pun intended), GOOD LUCK AND GOD SPEED.

Fred,

Everyone's process and journey is different.  There are different reasons for why we ended up in these relationships that come from both ourselves and our partners.  Some people take a very long time to move on from a short relationship and others are able to move on quickly and others are somewhere in the middle.  You will get there.

For the time being I am going to take a bit of a sabbatical from bpdfamily (although I like your pun ).  If I return in the future, it will be in a compassionate way.  Many of my posts in the past were to the effect of "F**k her she has a f**king disorder" and "They are crazy and can't understand things" and "NC is the only way to go".  My advice to others was based on my current emotional state full of anger toward my exgf, a feeling that I no longer have.  I made snarky, sarcastic posts, "throwing fuel on the fire" as Skip said.  This is something I will no longer do because I see things clearly now and see my own role in the relationship. 

An example of my sarcasm is I used to always write "relationship" implying that it was not a real one.  But it was a relationship.  She is a human being with feelings with whom I had incredible experiences.  So I'm done with the sarcasm and the attitude.  Walking around with a chip on your shoulder is not a fun or healthy way to live.  I am so thankful for meeting her because her relationship made me see some of my core issues, and I have never been in a better place than I am now. The therapy I did before meeting my ex only scratched the surface but now my therapist and I have gotten into some really deep issues.

Downwhim, BuildingFromScratch, Mutt, and Faith1520

Thank you for your kind words as well.  All the best.