Do I Tell Him I Am Thinking of Leaving?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I just don't know if I can do this any longer.  It's been almost two years, and I have gone from being incredibly hurt, to a period where I was incredibly angry and just trying to protect myself, to where I am now... .which is... .just tired.  I am just very, very tired.  With every conflict, every hurtful thing said, I am more exhausted, more numb, and the thought of being finished with this once and for all becomes more appealing.  I'm not even hurt or angry anymore, just numb.  I know that is a really bad sign.

Every time we have a major conflict, he will say he is afraid that I am going to end the relationship.  He now has good reasons, very good reasons, to think that.  But he doesn't know that. I don't want to threaten him.  On the other hand, I think he deserves to hear the truth.  I don't want to blindside him with leaving.  But he has such huge abandonment issues... .huge.   

I don't know whether to tell him where my head and heart are now.  I don't know if it will help, make things worse, or have absolutely no effect.  I think it's likely to be the case that it has no effect.  Nothing I say to him seems to matter, anyway.  :'(

Will he be able to hear me, and maybe agree to go to counseling?  Or will it just trigger such fear in him that it causes more harm than good?  Maybe it will just speed up the end.  At this point, that might not be a bad thing.

I feel so hollowed out inside.  I can't believe I've let things get so bad. 

[earthgirl]

I just don't know if I can do this any longer.  It's been almost two years, and I have gone from being incredibly hurt, to a period where I was incredibly angry and just trying to protect myself, to where I am now... .which is... .just tired.  I am just very, very tired.  With every conflict, every hurtful thing said, I am more exhausted, more numb, and the thought of being finished with this once and for all becomes more appealing.  I'm not even hurt or angry anymore, just numb.  I know that is a really bad sign.

Every time we have a major conflict, he will say he is afraid that I am going to end the relationship.  He now has good reasons, very good reasons, to think that.  But he doesn't know that. I don't want to threaten him.  On the other hand, I think he deserves to hear the truth.  I don't want to blindside him with leaving.  But he has such huge abandonment issues... .huge.   

I don't know whether to tell him where my head and heart are now.  I don't know if it will help, make things worse, or have absolutely no effect.  I think it's likely to be the case that it has no effect.  Nothing I say to him seems to matter, anyway.  :'(

Will he be able to hear me, and maybe agree to go to counseling?  Or will it just trigger such fear in him that it causes more harm than good?  Maybe it will just speed up the end.  At this point, that might not be a bad thing.

I feel so hollowed out inside.  I can't believe I've let things get so bad. 

[Mutt]

I feel so hollowed out inside.  I can't believe I've let things get so bad.  

A relationship takes two. Don't be hard on yourself.

I'm sorry you feel numb. It is emotionally exhausting stuff.

From my experience, it is a good idea to not trigger the fear of abandonment by indicating you are thinking of leaving. It gets very difficult.

The best solution is to exit quietly.

Hang in there.

--Mutt

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D.,... .a Clinical Psychologist

The Detachment

During this part of separating from "The Borderline", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Borderline" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Borderline" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should... .

- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Borderline" works.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.

- If "The Borderline" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Borderline".

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Borderline" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Borderline" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Borderline" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Borderline" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.

- As "The Borderline" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.

[earthgirl]

Thank you, Mutt.  That is very helpful information to have.  I appreciate your feedback.  I have time... .I'm just now coming to the realization that leaving might happen, and it's not going to happen any time soon.  So I'll give it some thought.