Tips and tricks for Christmas

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Well, me I don't celebrate Christmas anymore so find I am surprisingly calm and objective  about my dysfunctional family at this time of year.

And as many of you know I am the most advice-givingest person in the West so i will dispense this advice to you FREE of CHARGE!

Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price   

Now as people get more emotionally charged at this time of the year and obligations and pressure seems to mount up it is worth keeping in mind - the rules DON'T change.

- Safety first. Always. Keep safe. Keep your family safe. Keep yourself safe.

- You make preparation not to drink and drive - make preparation not to be embroiled in the FOG.

Your BPD relative WILL be emotional this year. Your BPD relative WILL behave in ways that make you uncomfortable and or irritated. Plan for it.

Pre empt it.

Ask yourself "When (not 'if' but 'when' they say/do (____), what will I say/do?"

"If I feel fear obligation or guilt, what will I say to myself?"

- Get yourself a motto. Eg "It's only a few hours. I can do this."/ "I'm a terrific person, I am proud of me." Or my personal favourite - I just start humming this reggae song "Every little t'ing's gonna be allll right."

- Understand your REAL obligations. if your relative is abusive you are NOT UNDER OBLIGATION to be with them. If you met an abusive person at the pub would you sit with them? If an abusive person insisted on spending time with you or your children would you do it? It is no different with your relative.

- If your pwBPD insists on behaving in ways that make you feel uncomfortable or belittled or negative, devise a strategy beforehand. Exit if necessary. Christmas/family reunion/'we have company' is not an excuse for bad behaviour.

- If your pwBPD has a history of emotional neglect/abuse/incest with you and has not addressed or acknowledged this, ask yourself if you are under obligation to allow them to form a similar r/ship with your child.

- Prepare a 'timeout' strategy. This may be as simple as nipping off to the bathroom, or stepping outside to walk around the block, or it may be as direct as leaving and going home. You deserve to have some fun.

- Focus on the positive. Validate the valid. Consider using your time to evaluate clinically the pwBPD's behaviour as though in a laboratory - eg 'Ah yes. When she said 'You're ALWAYS spoiling Christmas' she is likely projecting her own feeling on me. I'm going to have to write that down on the chart.'

If you have a sense of humour and a mind to, take a chart. Tell them what you are doing.

'Ma- today I am assessing your level of dysfunction. I've listed several gazillion categories in which you can achieve a rating. I'd like to play a game." Be prepared for backlash. My mum never likes it when I do stuff like this but I get a hoot and it keeps me visiting her so - quid pro quo, huh?

Seriously it's an emotionally charged time and a ripe seeding ground for all kinds of problematic emotional function. Expect this and plan realistically. Even if it is not a perfectly joyous occasion, you may get through with minimal collateral damage.

What are YOUR tips and tricks for holiday survival?

[Ziggiddy]

Well, me I don't celebrate Christmas anymore so find I am surprisingly calm and objective  about my dysfunctional family at this time of year.

And as many of you know I am the most advice-givingest person in the West so i will dispense this advice to you FREE of CHARGE!

Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price   

Now as people get more emotionally charged at this time of the year and obligations and pressure seems to mount up it is worth keeping in mind - the rules DON'T change.

- Safety first. Always. Keep safe. Keep your family safe. Keep yourself safe.

- You make preparation not to drink and drive - make preparation not to be embroiled in the FOG.

Your BPD relative WILL be emotional this year. Your BPD relative WILL behave in ways that make you uncomfortable and or irritated. Plan for it.

Pre empt it.

Ask yourself "When (not 'if' but 'when' they say/do (____), what will I say/do?"

"If I feel fear obligation or guilt, what will I say to myself?"

- Get yourself a motto. Eg "It's only a few hours. I can do this."/ "I'm a terrific person, I am proud of me." Or my personal favourite - I just start humming this reggae song "Every little t'ing's gonna be allll right."

- Understand your REAL obligations. if your relative is abusive you are NOT UNDER OBLIGATION to be with them. If you met an abusive person at the pub would you sit with them? If an abusive person insisted on spending time with you or your children would you do it? It is no different with your relative.

- If your pwBPD insists on behaving in ways that make you feel uncomfortable or belittled or negative, devise a strategy beforehand. Exit if necessary. Christmas/family reunion/'we have company' is not an excuse for bad behaviour.

- If your pwBPD has a history of emotional neglect/abuse/incest with you and has not addressed or acknowledged this, ask yourself if you are under obligation to allow them to form a similar r/ship with your child.

- Prepare a 'timeout' strategy. This may be as simple as nipping off to the bathroom, or stepping outside to walk around the block, or it may be as direct as leaving and going home. You deserve to have some fun.

- Focus on the positive. Validate the valid. Consider using your time to evaluate clinically the pwBPD's behaviour as though in a laboratory - eg 'Ah yes. When she said 'You're ALWAYS spoiling Christmas' she is likely projecting her own feeling on me. I'm going to have to write that down on the chart.'

If you have a sense of humour and a mind to, take a chart. Tell them what you are doing.

'Ma- today I am assessing your level of dysfunction. I've listed several gazillion categories in which you can achieve a rating. I'd like to play a game." Be prepared for backlash. My mum never likes it when I do stuff like this but I get a hoot and it keeps me visiting her so - quid pro quo, huh?

Seriously it's an emotionally charged time and a ripe seeding ground for all kinds of problematic emotional function. Expect this and plan realistically. Even if it is not a perfectly joyous occasion, you may get through with minimal collateral damage.

What are YOUR tips and tricks for holiday survival?

[Kwamina]

Thanks for providing us with this elaborate game plan coach!

My tips are:

1. Drastically lower your expectations of your BPD loved ones/relatives. Don't be afraid that they might misbehave but expect them to and prepare yourself as best you can for it based on all your previous experiences with them. Make sure you have an exit plan ready.

2. Don't take anything they say or do personally, keep telling yourself this. The hurtful words and actions of the people with BPD in your life are only a reflection of their own dysregulation and inner negativity and not a reflection of who you truly are.

3. Focus your energy on changing your own behavior. You can't control them or make them change if they don't want to. However, what you can do is change your own behavior and how you react to the people with BPD in your life.

[clljhns]

Awesome tips Ziggidy and Kwamina! I do still celebrate Christmas, but without family, Felt really odd for the first few years, then it seemed to settle into a new kind of celebration--minus all the drama and hurt feelings.

My tips to anyone who is celebrating without family:

1. Find what really speaks Christmas to you. For me, it is the music and the baking! So, while I don't have family to bake for, I do have colleagues and friends who appreciate my goodies. And I am grateful to the local radio stations that blast Christmas music 24/7 beginning the day after Thanksgiving.

2. Don't ruminate over what might have been, or should be. Look for small miracles in your everyday life. Snow on the trees does it for me. Or maybe just the colored lights on my tree. Or the many holiday treats in the stores!

3. Buy gifts for a less fortunate child or family. I love selecting an angel from the Christmas tree in the local mall and then buying the gifts listed on the angel. I also purchased items for our schools Elf Closet so that indigent children can buy gifts for their families for  a quarter an item.

4. Plan a spring or summer excursion. While I absolutely adore the holidays, I also love planning what trip I can take in the spring or summer. It doesn't have to be extravagant. It could just be a trip to a neighboring town that has that special bakery or antique store you have been anxiously waiting to get back to and visit on a warm, sunny day.

5. Plan something special for yourself on Christmas day. For me, it is a treat to cook myself a big breakfast and then play the games on-line that I so enjoy. I will also buy myself some special treat for the day, maybe a new puzzle that I can put together while watching one of my favorite Christmas movies.

So, to everyone in my BPD family, I wish you a peaceful and blessed holiday season!   

[Panda39]

- Focus on the positive. Validate the valid. Consider using your time to evaluate clinically the pwBPD's behaviour as though in a laboratory - eg 'Ah yes. When she said 'You're ALWAYS spoiling Christmas' she is likely projecting her own feeling on me. I'm going to have to write that down on the chart.'

If you have a sense of humour and a mind to, take a chart. Tell them what you are doing.

'Ma- today I am assessing your level of dysfunction. I've listed several gazillion categories in which you can achieve a rating. I'd like to play a game." Be prepared for backlash. My mum never likes it when I do stuff like this but I get a hoot and it keeps me visiting her so - quid pro quo, huh?

That is hilarious  But be careful you might get the yule log thrown at you!

Seriously... .great suggestions from everyone 

[Ziggiddy]

yeah i was having a bit of fun there panda! And yule logs being thrown will happen regardless of whether I take my chart or not 

I might add it is a very obsessively compulsively neatly ruled chart with margins. Yes, margins. they can be used for notes or corrections or just small drawings of bugs with antannae.

clljhns I am SO inspired. i LOVE puzzles! I have thousands of them that I rarely do. I may come home early after the Yule-Log-Throwing-Events are all done and dusted and do a puzzle. (Writing it down on the chart)

Kwamina: "elaborate"? Don't you know me at ALL?   I had to edit that post down to a third of its original size as I was so motivated when I wrote it!

Seriously, I liked your suggestions. Especially drastically lowering. i do tend to get hopeful and that is not always realistic.

Thanks for replying guys

Ziggiddy

[clljhns]

Ziggidy,

Love the idea of the chart! Just wouldn't be brave enough to try that at one of my family gatherings, unless I wanted to wear the chart around my neck as a new scarf! It would not be well received. Love the humor, though. I think we all need to be able to laugh at the insanity of our families.

Kwamina, I agree. Lower your expectations. Remember what Einstein said: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results." I think we should remember that we will most likely see the same BPD traits oozing all over the place when we visit a loved one with this affliction.

Happy Holidays!

[MyLifeNow]

This is my second Christmas since I broke contact with my uBPD father. Last year it felt soo good to go through the entire holiday without being drawn into doomed attempts to recreate the false fairytale of my childhood. I was actually off work from the end of the first week of December because I had so much vacation time saved up and I couldn't carry it over, so it became 4 straight weeks of me time. This year I'm finding a little harder - feeling much more alone, as I'm working from home in a new city so I didn't get to go to the company xmas party or social. Which is kind of funny, because I never really felt like I could relate to any of those people anyway. It just gave a bit of an illusion of normalcy.

Making plans for yourself really is important. Last year I tried all 12 beers of Christmas from the local craft brewery, which I split with a friend who tended to be at work when I wasn't. I'd go down every day and get the growler filled up, and he'd stop by on his way home to split it. I also played a lot of different video games. I still have more games than I really have time for so that'll be part of the plan this year. I also logged in to Netflix yesterday and added all the Christmas-y movies I could find that looked interesting. I'll probably watch one or two of those tonight while I'm having one of the festive beers I found, then watch the rest tomorrow when I've gotten tired of playing games. I even found some of the really old classic Christmas cartoon specials. I'll probably watch those in the morning

[Ziggiddy]

MyLifeNow  -your plans sound excellent!

I think the loneliness I used to feel around Christmas was accurately described in your phrases:

doomed attempts to recreate the false fairytale of my childhood. ... .Which is kind of funny, because I never really felt like I could relate to any of those people anyway.

I'd hear certain Christmas carols and get all misty eyed with the notion of tinsel and sparkly lights, ever forgetting the dead men's bones hid behind the glitter.

It really REALLY helps me when I focus on the conflict drama and tears that are the reality.

For some reason, my folks are unable to enjoy an unalloyed moment of joy without destroying it utterly before or after - for themselves and for us siblings.

I had this memory of being screamed at to vacuum under the Christmas tree because 'People were coming - do you want them to think you're a pig? that you live like a PIG?' (Rageface)

ironic really considering my mother's filthy disorganised cluttered hoard.

And everyone with their game face on "Be nice, we have company." yeeeecccchhhh.

Nope. You are right - it's a fairy tale. And i pretty sure I know Maleficent gonna make a showing any moment!

<Reaches for chart>