STBX going Crazy Again Please Help Need Advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am trembling in fear as I write this... .

Just before Thanksgiving last year, my DBPDW blindsided me with divorce papers and a restraining order, thus kicking me and my 9YO twins on the street.  In her fraudulent order, she committed 23 counts of perjury in an attempt to take our six year old daughter away from me.  She contacted every front I had for the past seven years and told them I abused her and the kids.  The whole thing blew up in her face.  She ended up apologizing for everything.  She admitted she lied and I let her move in with me at her new place.

Since then, she was diagnosed and hospitalized for about 6 weeks.  To protect myself, I started recording just about everything that happened around the house (with her permission).  We met with friends, pastors, and therapists regularly, both together and separately.  I did this to make it impossible for her to go back and claim I was mistreating her.  She wrote dozens of apology letters and told people publicly and privately what a good man I am.

A few months ago, she went crazy again and said I have been abusing her for the past year.  She told me that she lied to me and everyone else the whole time because I would have left her if she didn't take the abuse.  She took back all her apologies and started becoming extremely verbally abusive to me and the kids.

She moved out, leaving our daughter (now 7) to live with me.  The agreement is that I have to let her come by the house to see our daughter (who doesn't like her at all) every day.  She drop by unannounced often and starts attacking me in front of the kids. If I tell her to "cool off", she screams more and says I have to take it because she will sue me again if I keep her daughter from her. 

Once again, I found myself trapped in a situation where I have to endure her abuse.  She has reached the point where I catch her in several lies every day.  She justifies her lies because she says I deserve it, or I made her lie.  I told her that I can't keep her away from her daughter, but I can withhold my friendship from her if she keeps up her behavior.  When she would do something, I would warn her of the consequences.  She would cross the line EVERY TIME IT HAS BEEN STATED, and I have followed through.

She still liked to come over and have sex, so I told her I didn't want to have sex if she kept acting abusive.  Then I told her I wouldn't babysit her 10 year old son and take him to sports.  She spent the night and had diarrhea all over my bed, staining the mattress and sheets.  She refused to clean it up.  She drove my car and wrecked it, causing $4,000 damage.  First, she said she would pay for the damages.  Now, she says she doesn't owe me a dime because I am mean to her. Gradually, I quit paying for her gym membership, cell phone, car insurance, etc as she keeps up her nasty behavior. She has become more demanding, more evil, and more psychotic.

She has now broken every single promise she has made to me except one.  Tonight, she has justified her actions completely (via text).  I am in fear that she will break the last one soon... .that is she will go back to court again with false accusations again... .except I fear she will try to put me in jail.

I think I should mention that she is in a wheelchair and is an accomplished actress.  She managed to take every one of my close friends away from me.  I have only met two or the men EVER that don't but into her crap.  Everyone seed her as a helpless victim and me as a villain.

When she kicked me out last year, she got our daughter for Thanksgiving, Christmas, AND new year's.  We agreed that I would get Christmas this year.  Last year was the first year in my entire life (I'm 40) that I spent Christmas all alone.  I cried myself to sleep and vowed I would NEVER let that happen again.

Late tonight, she DEMANDED that I let her take my daughter away for "Lunch". Once she left for lunch and left the state with our Lesbian Au Pair with plans to never return.  Another time, she took my daughter for a "play date", then sent the Police to my house to remove me.  Last year, she did the same thing, but it was a Bible Study.

What do I do?  My daughter does not want to go.  I don't trust my wife.  If there is a confrontation at the door, she will probably call the police.

HELP!

[Unlikelytarget]

I am trembling in fear as I write this... .

Just before Thanksgiving last year, my DBPDW blindsided me with divorce papers and a restraining order, thus kicking me and my 9YO twins on the street.  In her fraudulent order, she committed 23 counts of perjury in an attempt to take our six year old daughter away from me.  She contacted every front I had for the past seven years and told them I abused her and the kids.  The whole thing blew up in her face.  She ended up apologizing for everything.  She admitted she lied and I let her move in with me at her new place.

Since then, she was diagnosed and hospitalized for about 6 weeks.  To protect myself, I started recording just about everything that happened around the house (with her permission).  We met with friends, pastors, and therapists regularly, both together and separately.  I did this to make it impossible for her to go back and claim I was mistreating her.  She wrote dozens of apology letters and told people publicly and privately what a good man I am.

A few months ago, she went crazy again and said I have been abusing her for the past year.  She told me that she lied to me and everyone else the whole time because I would have left her if she didn't take the abuse.  She took back all her apologies and started becoming extremely verbally abusive to me and the kids.

She moved out, leaving our daughter (now 7) to live with me.  The agreement is that I have to let her come by the house to see our daughter (who doesn't like her at all) every day.  She drop by unannounced often and starts attacking me in front of the kids. If I tell her to "cool off", she screams more and says I have to take it because she will sue me again if I keep her daughter from her. 

Once again, I found myself trapped in a situation where I have to endure her abuse.  She has reached the point where I catch her in several lies every day.  She justifies her lies because she says I deserve it, or I made her lie.  I told her that I can't keep her away from her daughter, but I can withhold my friendship from her if she keeps up her behavior.  When she would do something, I would warn her of the consequences.  She would cross the line EVERY TIME IT HAS BEEN STATED, and I have followed through.

She still liked to come over and have sex, so I told her I didn't want to have sex if she kept acting abusive.  Then I told her I wouldn't babysit her 10 year old son and take him to sports.  She spent the night and had diarrhea all over my bed, staining the mattress and sheets.  She refused to clean it up.  She drove my car and wrecked it, causing $4,000 damage.  First, she said she would pay for the damages.  Now, she says she doesn't owe me a dime because I am mean to her. Gradually, I quit paying for her gym membership, cell phone, car insurance, etc as she keeps up her nasty behavior. She has become more demanding, more evil, and more psychotic.

She has now broken every single promise she has made to me except one.  Tonight, she has justified her actions completely (via text).  I am in fear that she will break the last one soon... .that is she will go back to court again with false accusations again... .except I fear she will try to put me in jail.

I think I should mention that she is in a wheelchair and is an accomplished actress.  She managed to take every one of my close friends away from me.  I have only met two or the men EVER that don't but into her crap.  Everyone seed her as a helpless victim and me as a villain.

When she kicked me out last year, she got our daughter for Thanksgiving, Christmas, AND new year's.  We agreed that I would get Christmas this year.  Last year was the first year in my entire life (I'm 40) that I spent Christmas all alone.  I cried myself to sleep and vowed I would NEVER let that happen again.

Late tonight, she DEMANDED that I let her take my daughter away for "Lunch". Once she left for lunch and left the state with our Lesbian Au Pair with plans to never return.  Another time, she took my daughter for a "play date", then sent the Police to my house to remove me.  Last year, she did the same thing, but it was a Bible Study.

What do I do?  My daughter does not want to go.  I don't trust my wife.  If there is a confrontation at the door, she will probably call the police.

HELP!

[Aussie JJ]

Dear dBPDwife,

Due to your previous actions listed below I am in fear for D7's welfare in your care.  Around holiday periods you have previously done these things and threatened these things.  I fear for your capacity to care for our D7 during these times when you are dsyregulated. 

I am leaving the home for 2 days.  I have aranged for random security patrols to stop by and ensure the property is safe while I am away (follow through & notify local police).  I will return on XYZ at XYZ.  I will then engage a solicitor to arange our seperation. 

LIST OF CURENT THREATS AND ACTIONS. 

LIST OF PREVIOUS THREATS AND ACTIONS. 

I will not communicate with you via phone, only via e-mail.  Please accept this for what it is and know that I will always supprt your role in D7's life however I cannot any longer ignore your destructive behaviour and the negative effect it has on D7. 

Regards,


FATHER. 

[Aussie JJ]

If I were you with previous stories, leave the solicitor out, dont mention anythign about seperation or divorce.  Just I'm away for two days. 

Then follow through and do it.  She is not your concern any more.  Your daughter is you primary concern. 


AJJ. 

[Unlikelytarget]

Wow... .two very different responses!  I am more confused now than before.  I am so beaten down, I don't have the energy for a war on this Christmas Day... .and SHE WILL escalate this.

What are the downsides to to what I have to do to make peace (if only for one more day)?  I wouldn't let her take my child or admit to any wrongdoing or anything.

[livednlearned]

Hi Unlikelytarget,

When I left my ex husband, I fled. I feared for my safety, but also worried that my ex would do something to me that my son (9 at the time) would witness. Like your wife is doing now, my ex was escalating and his behavior was becoming more and more psychotic.  

I don't know how things work where you live, and that can make a difference. But I will tell you that the most important thing, according to my L, is that if you do leave with your daughter, make sure to get her on the phone with your wife at some point. Or, if that is not possible, email your wife and let her know that D is safe with you, and then make it possible for them to talk. Record the conversation if possible, and give your D a heads up in age-appropriate ways that you will let BPD mom know what is going on when she has cooled her jets. That D's job is to just say hi, how she's doing, and that she'll see her soon.

Where I live, if you put your child in contact with the other parent, even if you do not disclose where you are, that will not be construed as kidnapping or abducting. I would not send the note that AussieJJ sent, only because it could be a problem for you legally. The less you communicate what is happening (i.e. why you are leaving, the threats, etc.), the better, at least until you talk to a lawyer. I highly recommend having a lawyer read what you write if at all possible, because anything you write WILL show up in court and you want to make sure it is squeaky clean so your lawyer doesn't have to work overtime trying to repair damage done on your behalf).

What my lawyer told me is to stay put as best I could, but if I was afraid for my safety or S13's, then I needed to get out of there, deal with finances as quickly as possible (I withdrew half our savings, used a credit card that was in my name only so ex could not track me or block my card, called the phone company to make sure my ex could not look at numbers I had recently called, went to a hotel, and put my safety plan in action), and then make sure ex had phone contact with my son.

What are the events in your past that have been documented with the court? That will play a large role in what happens next. Also, the fact that your wife has been hospitalized and treated for BPD (I'm assuming BPD?) will go a long way if you decide to seek custody. She may know that, and that's why she wants to file false allegations, to try and level the playing field. You have to be extremely careful right now and not let her near you unless you are recording her.

Another option is to let things play out, but give your D a cell phone that you use to track her. It's true that your wife has taken her before, but it's also true that she returns with her. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), until there is an active custody file, the police cannot do much if your wife leaves with D, but you may already know that.

The bigger question is whether you intend to file divorce after this. You can't live like this, Unlikelytarget. Your wife is a danger to you and your child, and you need to invoke a stronger authority than what you represent to your wife. She has a 10-ton steam roller and you have a paper fence for a boundary.  :'(