Who wins in the battle between the heart and the head?

[BreakingUpWithBPD]

I'm a social worker and I know and study what abuse is. But somehow I got wrapped up in an intense relationship with an emotional abuser. But it didn't begin that way, and it wasn't even that way most of the time... .that's why it's so hard. We were caught up in whirlwind romance and I was convinced that I had met my soulmate. He was so great to me. I thought I had the best partner out of everybody I knew. But how did he become this evil and manipulative man? He put a promise ring on my finger and told me to consider him my life partner. We planned our lives together. But, every month or so he would just abandon me and begin to hate me for no apparent reason. I somehow always ended up begging for HIM? How did that happen? He was the one being mean, and awful, and lying, and cheating, and I was begging for him? When did I become so dependent on him? Now we're broken up and I'm realizing how much he isolated me. In order to be with him, he had to become my everything. So now I have nothing. When we said goodbye and broke-up he was the emotional one. Apologizing for everything awful he ever did, admitted he knew he was abusive, and told me that I was perfect and deserve so much better than him and his unstable mind. But now I hear him telling people things about how "thank god he got away from his crazy girlfriend" and telling people untrue abusive stories about ME abusing HIM. People actually think he is the victim. He's acting out and drinking and doing drugs and being obnoxious and not the man I planned my life with. How can he flip so fast? Do those people know that he texted me that same night because he missed me? Does he know what he's doing to me? Does he know how much he's ruined me? Does he enjoy seeing me ruined? And how did I get caught in this when I have so much knowledge in abuse? And how come I'm still caught? I can't seem to get out. Will I always love him and miss him?

[Xidion]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. I have went through something very similar recently. I can give you some insight. His words of telling you that it is his fault are to keep you on a leash. It is manipulation 101. When he tells everything else that it was all your fault, that rids him of his shame and guilt for his wrong doing. I did the same in begging for the person back when she was the one being terrible, lying, and cheating. She came back twice, but me doing so let her know that she could get away with whatever she wanted. There were no boundaries. I too became dependent on her. That's their plan. They want to hook you and make you addicted so they feel loved, but when we get too close, it triggers their abandonment. Because "everyone in their lives have abandon them". My ex actually said that once. I know you hurt, I know you're shattered. But I will say this. Do you really think he will change? Can you trust him again? No... you cannot. Now is the time to take control of your life. You deserve better. I would advise to go No Contact and move on. Any further contact or a continued relationship with deepen your wounds. All the best with hugs.

[peiper]

The illness always wins.

[SlyQQ]

I wrote a thread on brainwashing SOME people with BPD know all about psychology an a lot of techniques to entrap people even bright an aware ( they may even regard it as a challenge) ( againn there are good and bad BPD just like good an bad people ) please look at it ( I suggest a movie BEST OFFER geoffry rush that graphically illustrates some of these techniques ) hope this helps

[Mutt]

 

Hi BreakingUpWithBPD,

I'd like to welcome you. It's frustrating, confusing and painful when you have future plans together. He's left and is distorting the truth. That's tough.

This is called a distortion campaign. You'll find the chapter in "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger.

It's intense and I'm sorry. When a pwBPD feel much anxiety and stress and feel like their abandonment fear is triggered - perceived or real this happens. It's to project their feelings of shame, guilt and their actions and project it on their SO. He's triggered and can't cope with these feelings so he has to get rid of them by projecting them. That being said as emotionally intense as this is you know your truth.

I've gone through this and it's scary and hard when we don't understand the why's. I was seeing a P when I was going through a distortion campaign. I was distorted to her family, friends, mutual friends. I was called emotionally abusive to her and the kids. Physically abusive to her and the kids. Lastly, financially abusive. All her actions.

If you read SWOE a distortion campaign usually starts before the end of the r/s.

What my P told me "Mutt, these are her actions. Not yours. It's not for you to worry" I looked at her a little dumbfounded.

My P was right.

My advice. Don't justify, explain, defend to anyone.

Water seeks it's own level. The people that believe this type of drama are not ones that are likely people you'd associate with.

There are two sides to every story. If they don't ask your side. It questions the validity of that person's credibility to me. Not people I keep close to me in my personal life.

The best thing is to go radio silent. This shall pass. If you don't have SWOE I suggest downloading it or buying a copy. Read the chapter. I hope that helps.

Hang in there.

--Mutt

[SlyQQ]

Sorry posted under Have you been brainwashed staying or leaving board

[Deeno02]

Hi BreakingUpWithBPD,

I'd like to welcome you. It's frustrating, confusing and painful when you have future plans together. He's left and is distorting the truth. That's tough.

This is called a distortion campaign. You'll find the chapter in "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger.

It's intense and I'm sorry. When a pwBPD feel much anxiety and stress and feel like their abandonment fear is triggered - perceived or real this happens. It's to project their feelings of shame, guilt and their actions and project it on their SO. He's triggered and can't cope with these feelings so he has to get rid of them by projecting them. That being said as emotionally intense as this is you know your truth.

I've gone through this and it's scary and hard when we don't understand the why's. I was seeing a P when I was going through a distortion campaign. I was distorted to her family, friends, mutual friends. I was called emotionally abusive to her and the kids. Physically abusive to her and the kids. Lastly, financially abusive. All her actions.

If you read SWOE a distortion campaign usually starts before the end of the r/s.

What my P told me "Mutt, these are her actions. Not yours. It's not for you to worry" I looked at her a little dumbfounded.

My P was right.

My advice. Don't justify, explain, defend to anyone.

Water seeks it's own level. The people that believe this type of drama are not ones that are likely people you'd associate with.

There are two sides to every story. If they don't ask your side. It questions the validity of that person's credibility to me. Not people I keep close to me in my personal life.

The best thing is to go radio silent. This shall pass. If you don't have SWOE I suggest downloading it or buying a copy. Read the chapter. I hope that helps.

Hang in there.

--Mutt

Mutt, is SWOE chapter you mentioned on here somewhere?

[hope2727]

it is a book called "Stop Walking On Eggshells"

I am grateful for this original post as my heart and head are in a great battle at the moment. I miss him so much. I am slowly recovering but every day is a struggle not to reach out. Not to call him and profess how I miss and love him. Not to reach out if only to tell him he is loved.

But then I send the call or text or letter to a couple of trusted friends and they respond as he would and I realize that he would twist it to the most negative possible interpretation and lash out at me so whats the point.

The smear campaign I am experiencing is bad enough I don't need him to tell people I am stalking him or something.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hey,

Sorry you are going through this.

Now we're broken up and I'm realizing how much he isolated me. In order to be with him, he had to become my everything.

This is definitely one of my realizations, too... .after 14 years of it!  Awful.  That is really how the dynamic goes with them.  You very slowly (or sometimes very quickly) sell off all of who you are just to hold onto the relationship.  Will you always love and miss him?  Nope.  You might care about what happens to him, but you won't miss that hell you went through -not one bit.  

You might find the article on FOG to be useful (about how they use fear of losing the relationship, obligation, and guilt to control us) and also the article on how a BPD love relationship evolves:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

What you describe -especially the flipping- is pretty classic BPD.  The "switch" can flip pretty quickly.  :)oes he know what he's doing?  In some sense, yes, but honestly he's too wrapped up in his own emotional black hole to care in comparison.

You'll get out.  In time, and with help (I recommend a good therapist), you will realize that your heart already knows and perceives -even more deeply in fact- what your head already thinks.

[Moselle]

BreakingUpWithBPD,

I'd also like to welcome you to bpdfamily 

When I read your questions, it reminded me of questions I've asked myself.

I have also experienced the distortion campaign and it's horrible effects. We never asked for this kind of negative publicity, and often our natures are particularly susceptible to it.

We certainly find out who our friends really are. Who know and understand our nature, not the BPD drama.

I recognise the hurt and pain associated with this, but it will get better. There is healing and support. And in my experience when we are in our darkest moments, we are open for something new - and it comes just when we need it.

So glad you joined us

[whythisgirl]

It truly is a struggle. My xBPDbf has painted me black to his family in the past 3 weeks. In his imaginative mind I am a liar, untrustworthy, cheater, insecure, and a weak woman. Makes me angry just thinking how much I invested in that r/s. He also isolated me where I stopped doing all the things u enjoyed doing, I had to explain my whereabouts at all times, stay with him and/ stay on the phone with him for hours otherwise I was considered as "not caring". Whenever I missed his calls that would set him off and I was all types of liars and cheater at that point. He was a bad for me. I am a  successful career woman and he was a struggling student with no job. I helped him get a job and prior to that he was homeless so I helped him get through that struggled and found as well as paid for him somewhere to stay for 3months and paid for all his grocies. Once he had a little income he started tearing me down little by little. It started with my communication being bad (keep in mind I have a MBA and successful career, while he is in his 2semester of college), then he began to falsely accuse me of things, then he would say I am trying to buy him. It was crazy... his emotions were all over the place. If I didn't allow him to control me I was portrayed as the worst person. I feel so used :'(.

[Mutt]

Mutt, is SWOE chapter you mentioned on here somewhere?

Preview on the chapter.

https://books.google.ca/books?id=UFrAvF2Bj-cC&pg=PA218&dq=distortion+campaign&hl=en&sa=X&ei=mGOIVM3_HZOSyQSul4DQCQ&ved=0CAoQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=distortion%20campaign&f=false

[whythisgirl]

It truly is a struggle. My xBPDbf has painted me black to his family in the past 3 weeks. In his imaginative mind I am a liar, untrustworthy, cheater, insecure, and a weak woman. Makes me angry just thinking how much I invested in that r/s. He also isolated me where I stopped doing all the things u enjoyed doing, I had to explain my whereabouts at all times, stay with him and/ stay on the phone with him for hours otherwise I was considered as "not caring". Whenever I missed his calls that would set him off and I was all types of liars and cheater at that point. He was a bad for me. I am a  successful career woman and he was a struggling student with no job. I helped him get a job and prior to that he was homeless so I helped him get through that struggled and found as well as paid for him somewhere to stay for 3months and paid for all his grocies. Once he had a little income he started tearing me down little by little. It started with my communication being bad (keep in mind I have a MBA and successful career, while he is in his 2semester of college), then he began to falsely accuse me of things, then he would say I am trying to buy him. It was crazy... his emotions were all over the place. If I didn't allow him to control me I was portrayed as the worst person. I feel so used :'(.