uBPDMom is Splitting - Communication is Backfiring

[Recycle]

Hi all,

I've been practicing SET communication techniques with my Mom when she is splitting and/or I sense a conversation is going in a direction where I need to stand true to my boundaries. I'm also using the technique of handling "disagreements with a person who is splitting as unemotionally, firmly and briefly as you can."

The SET part is going OK, I think. It seems to help me communicate with her better. But the unemotional, firm and brief part is going very bad. It seems as though she can see right through it, and accuses me of being cold, unemotional and "like my father" (whom she divorced when I was 7). I try to balance it out the best I could with more emotionally-engaged topics that we both enjoy talking about, but it seems as though all of the balls I have been juggling have fallen to the floor. To go into the details of exactly how would be a waste of time. To make a long story short, she is no longer speaking to me and she sounds pretty serious this time.

No matter how hard I try, I seem to be damned if I do and damned if I don't. I've sent her a message (a direct phone call has been tried and started with her crying/ranting from beginning to end when she hung up on me) that used SET communication that reinforced the fact I promised to never abandon her or stop trying to better our relationship... .and that I love her.

Can anyone see a different response other than to wait for her to contact me when she's "ready"?

Thanks for reading 

[clljhns]

Hi Recycle,

Can anyone see a different response other than to wait for her to contact me when she's "ready"?

Hmmm. Well, no. I actually can't think of a different response that you could give mom that would elicit the response you are looking for. I think  this is the most frustrating aspect of a BPD. They do not have the ability to see things from the other person's perspective, and they are not able to have a rational, calm discussion.

I can remember this feeling all too well with my mom. If I didn't agree with her, then I didn't love her, if I did agree with her then I was a terrible person for "saying" what I did about so-and-so. Even though I was not the one who said it. I can recall many a time that she flew into one of her rages and would scream and cry at me over the phone. The one thing that I finally changed in those conversations was to tell her if she continued to scream at me I would hang up the phone. I had to follow through several times until she finally realized that I wasn't going to listen to her. This didn't stop all of the tantrums, and often she would just shift to my oldest sister and call her telling her what a terrible person I am. So, I applaud your efforts in using SET.

I wonder what it would feel like if you didn't make the next move? What if mom doesn't call back, or have contact with you for a while? How would you feel about this?

Sending you hugs   and lots of support!

Peace and blessings. 

[HappyChappy]

I would agree with  clljhns. But would add, that e-mails strip emotion out, and to a lesser extent being on the phone does also. I know my BPD & NPD want to see me in person, as it's easier for them to manipulate that way. But when I left home, I left for another country so could only use the phone. I would do the "oh yes I know" on the phone - that's all my BPD wanted, agreement. She was never interested in my opinion, that would create tension. So I would "oh yes","realy","I see" and even leave the phone for a few minutes and return. I would have some other task on the go, so I didn't get too engaged with what she was saying. She was always in hysterics and it wears me down, so this was the only way I could bear it.

She never caught me out. End result - she got agreement and lots of narcisstic supply. Mind you that doesn’t help with your face to face meetings, but LC and NC for a while are also options. The not speeking/serious bit is common. She's sulking/sending you to conventry - so don't worry about that. Do what's best for you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Recycle! 

I haven't had a chance yet to welcome you to the board. Glad you are here with us to share your story and gain some insight and lots of listening ears that truly do listen and care about you and what you are thinking and feeling.

You must feel pretty sad and hurt right now, questioning yourself and the boundaries you set up. You are doing the right thing. Please remember it isn't what you've done that is the problem here. You are offering kindness, concern, and love from all I see. It is your mom's choice to react the way she has. While her reaction is extremely painful, stick with it, hang in there, and wait for her to contact you.

I also agree with clljhns and HappyChappy as they are spot on with their thoughts. Your mom is currently putting you in time out but the thing is you are an adult now and get to make choices to not respond to her childish tantrum. She's the one who needs the time out, not you, but of course it is the disorder's way of reacting. It's such an awful feeling when you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. There is no winning with BPD, so take care of yourself first, not them and their needs.

Woolspinner   

[Recycle]

Hello again!    

I've waited awhile to reply to the responses you so thoughtfully posted because I wanted to get the entire picture of this most recent communication "backfire". It has been about 20 days since my Mom's threat to disown me in some way. No communication happened between us for about 5 days, and then I started getting emails from her that had nothing to do with our previous (very hurtful to me) conversations (typical for her, but I wasn't really sure if she'd have the same pattern this time around because her threats were so severe). Their content was related to getting together for my step father's (SF) birthday, if I was done with my holiday shopping, etc. I answered all of these emails with an equal disregard for our previous conflict (I know that's the only think I can do, and also helps me keep my healthy boundaries intact). After telling her that I didn't want to get together for SF's birthday, she expressed that this was a "sad situation" and I didn't hear from her again for a few days. When I did, she told me they were so hurt they wouldn't be spending the holidays with us. I was expecting this, and accepted it (although it was a little sad, naturally, because the holidays are usually a time I could count on seeing her because she cancels 98% of our get-togethers throughout the year). Then, out of the blue a few days later she emailed to ask if they could come over to our house for Christmas eve. I accepted with no judgement or frustration. Needless to say, she cancelled and didn't come over (her "normal", saying she'd come over the next day to celebrate. That didn't happen either. So... .yeah.

I think someone asked how I would feel if she hadn't contacted me over these 20 days... .if she really went NC. Judging by how I felt during the period of days where I was left hanging, I probably would have gone through a period of grieving... .and then have a feeling of RELIEF!

The splitting this time around seemed to happen for practically no reason whatsoever and was more severe of a swing, which is sad. It's opened me up to how sick she really is, and that she isn't aware at all of her illness (plus, she included that she "wasn't mentally ill" in one of her angry emails to me).

Anywhoo... .thanks for reading ya'll! I'd love to continue our discussion.

  Recycle   

[Harri]

Hi Recycle.  When the pwBPD cuts us out when all we are doing is protecting ourselves from the abuse, it can be so very hurtful and frustrating.  

Wools said:

You must feel pretty sad and hurt right now, questioning yourself and the boundaries you set up. You are doing the right thing. Please remember it isn't what you've done that is the problem here. You are offering kindness, concern, and love from all I see. It is your mom's choice to react the way she has. While her reaction is extremely painful, stick with it, hang in there, and wait for her to contact you.

I couldn't agree more with her.  You are doing the right thing and I think you handled her latest emails admirably!  Being able to respond without hurt and frustration is no easy feat.  

Can anyone see a different response other than to wait for her to contact me when she's "ready"?

Hmmm. Well, no. I actually can't think of a different response that you could give mom that would elicit the response you are looking for. I think  this is the most frustrating aspect of a BPD. They do not have the ability to see things from the other person's perspective, and they are not able to have a rational, calm discussion.

Clljhns is so right.  

Setting and enforcing good boundaries also requires allowing the other person to react/respond in whatever way they choose.  As much as you may want your mother to hear and see you and not her own projections, and to stop all her abuse and crazy making behavior, no boundary or communication technique will accomplish that 100% of the time or maybe even 25% of the time.  You use them for yourself and can hope that your mother will respond positively but if she does not, it is not really a 'backfire'.  In fact, in a weird way, it means you are doing exactly right.

I know the above addresses more of what you wrote in your first post in this thread.  somehow I missed it back then so I wanted to write that now.  

I think someone asked how I would feel if she hadn't contacted me over these 20 days... .if she really went NC. Judging by how I felt during the period of days where I was left hanging, I probably would have gone through a period of grieving... .and then have a feeling of RELIEF!

I soo understand this.  My mother, after I broke away from the family, refused to speak to me for a long time.  It hurt and I felt so betrayed and I did grieve, but like you, I felt relief too.  I also used that to allow myself to get good and angry with her for treating her daughter, *me*, that way... .just because I wanted to be an individual and wanted to get off the crazy train!  anger was a good motivator and a healthy way for me to focus on me and maintaining my boundaries.  The relief though... .oh yes!

The splitting this time around seemed to happen for practically no reason whatsoever and was more severe of a swing, which is sad. It's opened me up to how sick she really is, and that she isn't aware at all of her illness (plus, she included that she "wasn't mentally ill" in one of her angry emails to me).

It is sad and that is a very tough realization to have.  I never lost that sense of sadness in the years after breaking away, but it did lessen over time and it just became acceptance.  It also took me a while to understand that acceptance did not mean no sadness, hurt or anger.  It just is.

There is often no rhyme or reason to their actions.  As you know, all you can do is set and enforce boundaries and act in ways that honor yourself.  

I'm glad you posted.  

[P.F.Change]

Sounds like you're in a no win situation and your mother is using the silent treatment to punish you.

I try to balance it out the best I could with more emotionally-engaged topics that we both enjoy talking about, but it seems as though all of the balls I have been juggling have fallen to the floor. To go into the details of exactly how would be a waste of time.

SET is a really valuable tool for communicating our own (usually different) boundary or point of view in an empathetic and respectful way. It is not a tool that will make someone else like what you say, appreciate your point of view, or offer the same empathy and respect back to you. The way I see it, it is not your job to entertain your mother emotionally or to calm her down. Maybe she feels you are "cold and unemotional." What would it be like to just say, "I can see why you feel that way," and leave it there, rather than trying to prove you're not?

For people with BPD, feelings=facts. How she feels will affect how she sees the world. You will not be able to change her mind or convince her that you are, in fact, worthy of her love. She may blame you for things, but that doesn't mean they are your fault or your responsibility to fix. I think telling her you love her and will not abandon her was a very caring thing to say. I don't think there is anything you can do to control her reaction or response--you can only decide how you are going to take care of you. What are you doing to look after yourself? How are you feeling about all this?

Wishing you peace,

PF