When to end therapy

[Junknown]

Hello everybody.

Haven't been around much lately as i dont feel so affected by what happened in my relationship anymore.

This next monday i would celebrate the 2nd year of my relationship with my exBPDgf. I've been NC since around August (with only one contact to give her the stuff she left behind in my house).

At the moment, it doesn't make me think, feel depressed or anything anymore. Im feeling good now and haven't been thinking about anything of that mess much anymore.

Still, i have been in therapy since April. And continued it since the relationship ended in August and i think i improved a lot during this period. Since the relationship ended I've been working in stuff from my past (uBPD mother and probably a narcisic father). Thing is, i've been questioning if i need therapy anymore.

At the moment im feeling ok, dont think much about her anymore, I've been going out with friends again and made some new ones as well and everything is fine at the work. I know i still have some scars from my FOO but i question if i need more therapy for them.

They dont annoy me, dont make me feel bad, dont have any negative consequences in my life at the moment. I know i'm codependent. I worry too much about others and how they feel and have the tendency to take the protective role and avoid conflict and try to solve conflict in alternative ways. Also have a problem of setting my boundaries. Thing is, now im more aware of this and question about my own feelings and wellfare as well.

How did you know you were ok to end therapy? The psychologist suggested it? You somehow felt you were ok? Or suddenly you decided that you didnt need help anymore? Can you share how you ended it, when and why?

I have a problem saying no, i must admit. So i dont feel very confortable about ending the therapy altough i think i'm ok at the moment and dont need it anymore. Does this mean i can't set my boundaries properly yet? That i can't say a No straight forward? That there is still an underlying problem? I feel like im going against her opinion that i need therapy, that im establishing an end to the therapeutic relationship that we created there. Dont know how to explain but makes me feel kinda bad. Maybe its the conflit that can be created there (my opinion versus her) or the fact that i feel like im bailing out on something, like i dont care about it (sense of responsability?). Dont know. But i know it is similar to what i felt when i tought about leaving the relationship i was on. I know i felt this before.

Thank you for any of your ideas, suggestions and experience.

[Reforming]

Hi Junknown,

I'm not sure whether there's any straight forward answer to your question.

I don't believe in open endless therapy that last for years and years.

I think a lot of people go in and out of therapy, stopping for periods and then returning when they hit a wall and recognise that they still have work to do.

What were your goals when you started therapy?

Do you feel you have achieved them?

What does your therapist think of your progress?

Do you think that some of the issues which you reference FOO and codependency will get in the way of you being happy or having a healthy relationship?

Do you think that you need help to work through these?

No one can answer these questions for you just like nobody can compel you to continue therapy.

All you can do is try to be honest with yourself.

I stopped therapy a couple of weeks ago, primarily for financial reasons. I plan to continue as soon as I can afford it.

Good luck

Reforming

[harbour]

I have a problem saying no, i must admit. So i dont feel very confortable about ending the therapy altough i think i'm ok at the moment and dont need it anymore. Does this mean i can't set my boundaries properly yet? That i can't say a No straight forward? That there is still an underlying problem? I feel like im going against her opinion that i need therapy, that im establishing an end to the therapeutic relationship that we created there. Dont know how to explain but makes me feel kinda bad. Maybe its the conflit that can be created there (my opinion versus her) or the fact that i feel like im bailing out on something, like i dont care about it (sense of responsability?). Dont know. But i know it is similar to what i felt when i tought about leaving the relationship i was on. I know i felt this before.

If I were you, and I had a good therapist and trusted her, I would definitely bring up the whole issue with my therapist. Be honest with her, tell her exactly how you feel about all this, also your feeling about going against her opinion that you need more therapy. Talk to her about your problem saying no, and ending the therapy, because you feel that is like going against her. That is what she is there for, for you to talk about your difficult issues.

Most of us, or many of us, will always have issues to work on, no matter for how long we are in therapy. The question is, do you feel you can work on that on your own in your life from where you are now, or not. If you are not sure, do you have the possibility to go back in therapy after some time, if you end it now, and you realize later that you need more therapy?

[Junknown]

I guess both of you are right.

I should decide based on the analysis from what i will get both from a positive and negative perspective from my decision and open up with her.

If i can come back later on to therapy again, it would be a good thing as i would have the possibility to continue it if i need to.

I had a session yesterday where she said that this will be a transition time on my professional (going to decide my specialization soon) and personal life and that i dont know where i will be next year and how it will be about the therapy. This would be a good time to ask her but i simply said "yeah, you are right, we will see with time where i end and how it will be about therapy".

I think the problem i have saying no in this case can also be the possibility that i fear i wont be able to restart therapy later on if i want to.

Ill try to talk to her and see what she says about it. Thanks for your input.

[Turkish]

I spent 8 months and thousands of dollars for my T to cnclude there was nothing pathological going on with me, but he was a great support and centering force. Near the end, it kind of became like two guys chatting, and he said, "ok, where do we go from here?"

I made an appointment next week, not having seen him in over 5 months. I need help with boundaries, since she is cinstantly trying to get me to do family stuff with her and the kids. I think it's ok on occasion, but I also have a right not to, despite FOG from her, and even S4 if that's possible. I did go out to lunch with them, Ex even paid. D2 and S4 were all over me, very glad to see me. She tried to open up conversation about her work being stressful lately. I deflected. I don't care. Asked about a couple of my friends she hasn't seen in a year. I gave brief updates. I sense she misses them. Then focused on eating and the kids. All in all, I survived, but still need help with boundaries, which is why I'm making a visit to the T.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Junknown, you ask a great question as I think many people wonder the same as you. In fact, my counselor/T and I have discussed it. Sometimes people get "stuck" or hit a "plateau". Sometimes people make the progress they need to make and further visits are yielding less and less benefit simply because they're in a better place mentally and emotionally.

I think I am doing okay, and I basically went from seeing my T once every two weeks, to once every 3 weeks, and now will probably be once a month. Just a "booster shot" kind of deal. I have always felt that visiting him is a bit like my security blanket, that I derive some kind of comfort from our sessions. It would be a little scary to say that I'd stop cold turkey, so that is why I've pretty much chosen to make it a monthly thing nowadays.

[Reforming]

Lots of good thoughts from everyone.

I would add one other. I spent quite a bit of time and effort researching therapy before committed. I made a list of fully qualified Schema Ts with the right credentials, emailed them all and tried to meet them or at least talk to them on the phone.

I had a relatively brief experience traditional psychodynamic therapy after I discovered my partner's affair, which I stopped to go into MC. When I asked this T about a possible time frame for treatment I was told that therapy doesn't work like that.

It was open ended.

Now I realise that it takes a time for a therapist to assess your issues and built a relationship with you, but I have serious reservations about any therapy or therapist that is unwilling or unable to give you a reasonable roadmap and prognosis.

I have neither the finances or the interest to spend 50 years in therapy like Woody Allen - ( it didn't stop him marrying his step daughter)

For me evidence based therapies like CBT, REBT, Schema, which have proven to be effective in a defined timeframe are worth investing in.

It's still worth regularly assessing your therapy and your therapist and considering whether you are making sufficient progress.

Just be careful about using this as an excuse to avoid working on yourself.

Change is hard and often unpleasant. We instinctively resist it and progress comes in peaks and troughs.

If you step away from yourself and try to see yourself from the perspective of a friend or a potential partner what would you advise yourself to do?

If you think that you have some outstanding issues, which may flare up again in your next relationship why not get them treated now?

Reforming

[Junknown]

Nice opinion sharing here.

What i feel lately is basically what Turkish refers. I get there, tell her about my life, how it is going on, what i've been doing and so on. We might explore some situations that happen ocasionally and might have some repercussions directly from my lack of boundaries (have improved quite a bit here) and FOO issues on the way i deal with them.

Thing is, the kind of analysis we do there, is the one i do as well by myself. I can see where i failed and what i did wrong. And in the next time ill try to deal with a similar situation in a diferent way.

Maybe i could do something similar to what Learning_curve74 says. I could try to get less sessions and more sparse. That way i would still be able to meet and talk to her about things in general and i wouldnt spend so much money and time on sessions where i, sometimes, get stuck and dont know what to do apart from talking about my quite normal life.

I have boundaries problems (which got severely exploited in this relationship and broken down) and im solving it. I have a tendency to avoid conflict and help others too much (well, as long as i dont get any harm from doing so, i guess this isnt a bad thing. Thing is, in the relationship i was a caretaker) and i value too much others opinions when i should value myself more.

I've been improving all those parts. My last step in the process would be to get romantically involved with a new girl. But, sincerely, at the moment i dont really feel the need or want to. Im exploring my alone time, investing in myself and my personal life and to be honest, im a bit afraid of what i could get next time. My exBPDgf was my first relationship and i had a high yield for her, i deeply loved her and i was stupid to deny all the bad things she did to me and others. In the end i couldnt do it anymore, i saw her by what she was (thanks to proof i keep safe to remember myself, in case i by any chance, in the distant future, doubt my decision). I suppose i wont trust any other person so easily next time after what i went through.

If someone so close to me, used such a realistic mask over her true face and i couldnt unmask that person until the end, i wonder what someone not so closer to me could use... .