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Author Topic: for those who wonder what the replacement gets treated like...  (Read 7095 times)
Infern0
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« on: December 16, 2014, 11:46:44 PM »

I always see people in this deluded state on here thinking their replacement will get treated better than they did.

As someone who recycled as a "lover" I want to shed some light on my experience and this may help people shake off that false notion.

To preface this I was replaced with a guy who had been friendzoned by my ex for 3 years and had always been her "best friend" so he had way more history with her than I did. This guy the few times I've seen him looks like a broken man. He used to drive her around and even drove her to see me several times.

OK so after I got replaced I though the same things as all of you,  that he would be treated better etc. She told me he was the love of her life and had stuck by her through so much and proven himself and that she wanted to marry him etc. Wonderful.

Within THREE months she had begun an emotional affair with me, running him down and complaining about him and telling me she wasn't sure she loved him etc.  Within a month after that she cheated on him with me three times.

He suspected that something was going on and confronted her about it,  she played the victim and accused him of being abusive for asking that question all the while continuing to triangulate with me. He belived her, felt guilty and grovelled for days and showered her with gifts until she "accepted his apology" after he promised to  "change"

She would have kept the triangle going but I withdrew.

Other things she has done includes isolating him from his friends,  him ending up in therapy for ":)epression" since they got together.

He has paid for taking her on an overseas holiday,  and spent thousands on jewelry etc and it made NO difference.  

So now I've gone it's only time before she pulls someone else into triangulate with.

Hope this answers the question of is she happy with my replacement,  it's a pattern of behaviour and I don't think it matters who they get with,  they can't help themselves.

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Hawk Ridge
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« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2014, 11:49:44 PM »

Mine's been doing the emotional affair with me
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Infern0
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« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2014, 11:55:26 PM »

Mine's been doing the emotional affair with me

Abort now.

Seriously bro I got out of the triangle and all hell broke loose between those two, she's lost her job and he can't afford the rent and bills on his own so it looks like they'll be out of house and home soon.  Don't prop up someone else's relationship
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evilpepsi
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« Reply #3 on: December 17, 2014, 12:11:32 AM »

I always see people in this deluded state on here thinking their replacement will get treated better than they did.

As someone who recycled as a "lover" I want to shed some light on my experience and this may help people shake off that false notion.

To preface this I was replaced with a guy who had been friendzoned by my ex for 3 years and had always been her "best friend" so he had way more history with her than I did. This guy the few times I've seen him looks like a broken man. He used to drive her around and even drove her to see me several times.

OK so after I got replaced I though the same things as all of you,  that he would be treated better etc. She told me he was the love of her life and had stuck by her through so much and proven himself and that she wanted to marry him etc. Wonderful.

Within THREE months she had begun an emotional affair with me, running him down and complaining about him and telling me she wasn't sure she loved him etc.  Within a month after that she cheated on him with me three times.

He suspected that something was going on and confronted her about it,  she played the victim and accused him of being abusive for asking that question all the while continuing to triangulate with me. He belived her, felt guilty and grovelled for days and showered her with gifts until she "accepted his apology" after he promised to  "change"

She would have kept the triangle going but I withdrew.

Other things she has done includes isolating him from his friends,  him ending up in therapy for ":)epression" since they got together.

He has paid for taking her on an overseas holiday,  and spent thousands on jewelry etc and it made NO difference.  

So now I've gone it's only time before she pulls someone else into triangulate with.

Hope this answers the question of is she happy with my replacement,  it's a pattern of behaviour and I don't think it matters who they get with,  they can't help themselves.

In a sense, we are ALL replacements. they will treat the new person the same way that they treated us. The pattern repeats. It's the nonstop to nowhere... .
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Infern0
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« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2014, 12:26:50 AM »

In a sense, we are ALL replacements. they will treat the new person the same way that they treated us. The pattern repeats. It's the nonstop to nowhere... .

Exactly.

I just see it so often on here people thinking that it'll be different for the next person. I belived it too, when she was telling me how happy he made her etc and giving all the speal.

In many ways the replacement has it worse than me. I had weak boundaries,  he appears to have no boundaries and she's been ruining his life for years.

He's the sort of guy who when she meets someone new and dumps him will accept being put back in the friend zone and likely blame himself for not being good enough.

Sad but true
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Xidion
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« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2014, 12:33:39 AM »

I was a replacement to a 3 year relationship.  We were together for 20 months then I got replaced.  I talked to the guy before me. He said she texted him while her and I were together,  but he had moved on to someone normal. Told me I was better off without her. That she does stuff behind your back and is never happy with anything.  So his relationship with her was the same as mine with her as will be the same with this new guy.
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evilpepsi
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« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2014, 12:55:56 AM »

Since she recycled the ex before me as my replacement, he and I talked about her for six months. He is a narcissist and evidently felt threatened by everything that she told him about me. Now that I have been painted black, he still continues to blow my phone up; however, it has blown up in his face because I tear that frail ego down every time that he contacts me. I don't feel sorry for him for what he faces. He deserves what's coming to him... .
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enlighten me
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« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2014, 01:40:32 AM »

I would just like to add my experience and a few realisations into this.

To start with I was reflecting on a few things my ex said and I had a lightbulb moment.

she said getting pregnant and having her daughter saved her life. Another thing she said is dont make my contacting you have been the worst mistake of my life.

I now realise that she understood her destructive path she was leading and having her daughter made her settle down. I realise that her contacting me comment probably meant that her and het ex husband probably hadnt split up but once she had me she had finished it with him and now regretted it.

I thought I was saving her from an abusive ex but I was just replacing a good man who was worn down and on the verge of madness by her behaviour.

she is now seeing someone else but he lives away so she only see's him every other weekend. Her triangle is now with her landlord or so rumour would have it. I have seen his van at hers when I drop off our son on numerous occassions and have been told he is there a lot. Maybe nothing to it but its always when she has no kids.

She is back to her old ways having lost the relationship with her ex husband which was probably the closest to stability she has or ever will know. I realise now I wasnt special to her. I wss only her hope for a better future than what she had but the grass wasnt greener.

Since we split in the end of may she has had two boyfriends and who knows how many lovers. I am just another notch on her headboard. No one special to her like most of us here. It is probably only those of you who had or have long term relationships that actuslly count to them. The rest of us are just cannon fodder in their battle for survival.
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downwhim
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« Reply #8 on: December 17, 2014, 10:16:40 AM »

I have this stupid fantasy that the replacement is perfect, young, beautiful, and everything that I could not be for him. My insecurity. Crazy thinking that someone coming into a relationship offers more to the BPD without considering the illness and all it brings into the fold. Ridiculous thinking on my part. Plus, she can deal with the two teenagers in the house, the crazy, trailer trash ex wife constantly running the show and the soon to be rages after the honeymoon phase of the relationship ends. I say good luck replacement! No triangular here. I would not allow him to touch me again let alone use me, plus N/C. He has no way to contact me.

At 9 weeks out, whew... .  I am still exhausted from trying.
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2014, 10:26:33 AM »

These stories sound familair. The BPDx engaged me in these emotional affairs through 3 or 4 of her following replacements. She stopped when she trapped one of them with a baby that she just had a few months ago but i'm sure she's cheating on this guy with someone else. And if she's not it's only a matter of time.
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« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2014, 10:29:56 AM »

I still get physically sick thinking of her and the replacement. Not sure why I do because she was a miserable person and hurt me badly. But every now and again I do.
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« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2014, 10:53:22 AM »

I hope she finds a man who can make her happy in life I really do. As much as I realise she has BPD my ex was a very loving and caring woman. I feel so sorry for her.

Researching BPD for me is more about myself and why I allowed it to go on for so long before listening to my instinct that something was wrong. I am working on myself at the moment and recognising behaviours in myself that I need to change.

I have no interest in who she is with or what she is doing. There are millions of healthy girls out there. I wish her well and look forward to finding the woman I want to be with.



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blissful_camper
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« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2014, 11:49:05 AM »

I have this stupid fantasy that the replacement is perfect, young, beautiful, and everything that I could not be for him.

My replacement was beautiful and young.  I knew her and had spent a bit of time with her.  I thought that their relationship might actually work since he had paired with a young woman whose emotional maturity was closer in "age" to his.   (My ex is in his early 50's, my replacement mid 20's)   Theirs was a dysfunctional dance.  The disorder replayed with my replacement, and their "r/s" came to an end.  

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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2014, 12:03:41 PM »

The easiest way to think about this is that our exes and loved ones have been carrying this disorder most of their entire life.

There were people before you and after you, it's not your r/s with them that caused them to break down and you were just another replacement in a long line. What happened to you has happened before and will most certainly happen again.

My gf made a few remarks that should have set of alarm bells:

She said she couldn't allow herself to go over 4 days without seeing me otherwise it would bring on anxiety. She also said she had a history of destructive relationships, was mentally ill, had a PD, also had Bi-Polar and Abandonment issues. Not sure how I missed those flags  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I think for me it was the fact she wasn't in denial and quite open about her past. I believe that triggered something in me that wanted to protect and "save" her. So that said, it's really going to narrow down the field if she is out looking for a replacement right now as most people would have run a mile if given that info right at the start.
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peiper
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« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2014, 12:18:32 PM »

I wish I could have been a fly on his wall. Either he ran, which I would imagine is what happened or she split, which this early I really doubt. I really didn't think a airline captain would put up with her games. I didn't for long. She needs a dish rag like the guy she was married to before me. Never have I been one to kiss butt and put up with abuse. They lived together about three months which seems the same as our relationship before it started to sink.
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fred6
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« Reply #15 on: December 17, 2014, 01:40:18 PM »

I think that its normal to some extent to compare ourselves to our replacement. For many of us our ex is undiagnosed and we only suspect that they have BPD or some other mental condition that causes this kind of behavior.

I've wondered many times if instead of having BPD, that my ex is just an immature selfish a$$hole that only cares about what she wants. That I'm the one that just can't let go and got played and taken advantage of. If that's the case, then maybe replacement is better and gets treated better. Sometimes a relationship ends and one of the partners just moves on with someone else. Not saying any of that is actually true about my relationship, just that without a professional diagnosis, it leaves doubt in a persons mind about why all of this happened. In the end though, whether it's BPD or something else. I honestly believe with every fiber of my existance that my ex has some kind of serious mental, emotional, or personality issues regarding her interpersonal relationships with people. She seems "normal" the majority of the time, but spending everyday with her for the past 3 years, seeing her actions and listening to her crap, something with her just ain't right upstairs.
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Pingo
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« Reply #16 on: December 17, 2014, 01:46:25 PM »

I honestly hope he finds someone that can love him and make him happy.  He'll leave me alone to move on with my own life if this is the case.  Having said that, I recently had contact with an old bf from 16 years ago who dumped me a mth before our wedding to be with his 'best friend'.  They married 5 mths later.  I'm not ashamed to admit it made me a little happy when he told me that they separated after 4 yrs of marriage and it was the worst 4 yrs of his life!  

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« Reply #17 on: December 17, 2014, 02:43:01 PM »

I honestly hope he finds someone that can love him and make him happy.  He'll leave me alone to move on with my own life if this is the case.  Having said that, I recently had contact with an old bf from 16 years ago who dumped me a mth before our wedding to be with his 'best friend'.  They married 5 mths later.  I'm not ashamed to admit it made me a little happy when he told me that they separated after 4 yrs of marriage and it was the worst 4 yrs of his life!  

That is awesome Pingo. I don't wish any happiness for mine, nor do I wish her Ill. I just want to be left alone to move on with my life. I will get through Volleyball season just fine. I'm keeping professional and indifferent. I won't show her the same cold indifference she showed me, but she will respect the boundaries.
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BorisAcusio
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« Reply #18 on: December 18, 2014, 07:27:22 AM »

Mine had an affair with me at the beginning and I had at least a dozen predecessor I know of. After we went exclusive, she cheated on me, and cheated on the guy she was cheating on me with.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I knew(!) this was going to happen and still went for it, even took her back for another ride. Conclusion? Well, she is disordered just as I am…
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antelope
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« Reply #19 on: December 18, 2014, 08:24:41 AM »

In a sense, we are ALL replacements.

for the most part, we are all replacements for a parental figure... .that's how far back the trauma goes, and an indication for how long it's gone on, and will remain unresolved... .

our relationship's 'graves' were dug the moment we became involved with them
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downwhim
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« Reply #20 on: December 18, 2014, 08:50:07 AM »

sorry, maybe it is me but I wish him the same pain he has caused others. Cheating, lying, manipulating. He knows what he is doing whether he is disordered or not. He has all of the criteria except one so changes of him not being borderline are slim.

I am not saying I was not a trigger for him, I am but I do not wish him happiness, just can't go there right now. Not after the abuse and the way he treated me. What I wish for him is to go get help! I know his kids do too.
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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #21 on: December 18, 2014, 09:07:22 AM »

Downwhim, your feelings and emotions right now are perfectly valid. It's very difficult to show compassion and empathy to someone who caused you a lot of pain and I could probably imagine there is a lot of anger associated with this. Why should the person we made promises and shared our vulnerabilities go on to lead a happy life while we are sat there suffering as a result of their actions, regardless of if they had control or not, they knew what they were doing. I once sat where you are right now and didn't think I could ever possibly want happiness for the woman that abused me physically, emotionally and mentally.

However, what people need to understand is that we all go through a process ourselves which has several stages. The final stage of which is acceptance and at that point, we don't allow them to rent any more space in our heads.

As for my previous r/s I can honestly say hand on heart, that I do not care where she is and what she is doing. Do I wish her happiness? I guess I do but only in the same way I don't wish for anyone to be unhappy, not because of who she is and what she did to me but because I let go of the feelings of hurt, anger, upset I had towards her and she just became another face in the crowd. Do I think she will ever be happy, I don't think so but I don't dwell on that either, she was a part of my life that I've moved on from and although certain bits come up as a reminder, I use them to try and improve myself and become a better person to me. In a perverse way, I would probably owe her a great deal of thanks for what she did because it allowed me to learn some valuable lessons and become a better, stronger person.

So for those people who say they wish their exes happiness, they are right too. It's just that they are at a different stage within the process and are probably at the point of letting go and finding acceptance within themselves. As to how long each stage lasts, it varies from person to person but if there is any advice I can offer, it's not to hold on too long to the anger phase because not only is it unhealthy for you but it also means whilst you are in that stage, they still have that control over you and your mind. You deserve much more than that and owe it to yourself to find your own happiness  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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downwhim
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« Reply #22 on: December 18, 2014, 09:39:51 AM »

Ripped heart, thank you for your words of encouragement. I guess if I had not been engaged, wasted 8 years of my life and been replaced immediately I would feel differently. See yes, I am angry and you are right. I cannot hang on to this... .not healthy for me. I know it has been 9 weeks but it may take me longer to get through these stages. Great to know there is light at the end of the tunnel... .thank you.
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RisingSun
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« Reply #23 on: December 18, 2014, 10:51:23 AM »

Ripped heart, thank you for your words of encouragement. I guess if I had not been engaged, wasted 8 years of my life and been replaced immediately I would feel differently. See yes, I am angry and you are right. I cannot hang on to this... .not healthy for me. I know it has been 9 weeks but it may take me longer to get through these stages. Great to know there is light at the end of the tunnel... .thank you.

Downswim, it's only been 9 weeks. Be easy on yourself with this emotion. It's totally normal to feel anger after what went down. My guess is that your anger will be around for some time. I'm still angry at my xw and it's been 6 months today, complete NC. It's not a constant emotion but will come up when I least expect it. I indulge in it for a little while and then move on. Anger helps give us a push forward if we don't hold on to it too tightly.

The anger starts easing off at around three months but will come back in cycles. Each cycle getting a little easier to manage. It's all in the process of letting go and healing.   
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #24 on: December 18, 2014, 11:06:52 AM »

sorry, maybe it is me but I wish him the same pain he has caused others. Cheating, lying, manipulating. He knows what he is doing whether he is disordered or not. He has all of the criteria except one so changes of him not being borderline are slim.

I am not saying I was not a trigger for him, I am but I do not wish him happiness, just can't go there right now. Not after the abuse and the way he treated me. What I wish for him is to go get help! I know his kids do too.

This is exactly how i feel. Wether disorderd or not the person i was involved with knows right from wrong and time after time after time again she chose to do the wrong thing. I do not wish her happiness and get great joy when i hear of mess after mess that she keeps getting herself into. I don't feel about about feeling that way either. If you've got hate in your heart let it out and embrace it Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #25 on: December 18, 2014, 11:22:12 AM »

That's great  news RisingSun and it sounds so much like you are well on the way to healing within yourself.

Downwhim, it's also important as part of the process to work with the feelings you have and recognise where they come from before you can finally let them go. The more you do that, the easier the cycle is to break that RisingSun describes.

As in my previous situation, when I was angry I would ask myself what was making me feel that way. Feelings and emotions come from within ourselves, it's our reaction to something and it's through understanding that and working with our own emotions that we learn to overcome them.

I was angry at the physical abuse but as I started to understand where those feelings came from, it wasn't right and it wasn't fair but I found the root of my anger being at myself for allowing it, or believing I deserved it or the effort I kept putting in to try and diffuse the situation. I was angry at myself for validating her inappropriate behaviours and as I understood those I forgave myself and learned from it. I learned I deserved more in myself and that I allowed myself to be in that position, that it was not ok for her to behave that way, just as it was not ok for me to validate her responses. I was angry at myself for not standing my ground after the fact but then realising, you can't go back, you can only move forward and again taking the lessons learned and using those too to become a better person. As you learn to understand those feelings and work with them, you start to feel happier in yourself and the anger subsides.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and through building a healthier and happier you, you start to forget about the time that has passed and life is much brighter for you.

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evilpepsi
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« Reply #26 on: December 19, 2014, 01:56:03 AM »

sorry, maybe it is me but I wish him the same pain he has caused others. Cheating, lying, manipulating. He knows what he is doing whether he is disordered or not. He has all of the criteria except one so changes of him not being borderline are slim.

I am not saying I was not a trigger for him, I am but I do not wish him happiness, just can't go there right now. Not after the abuse and the way he treated me. What I wish for him is to go get help! I know his kids do too.

This is exactly how i feel. Wether disorderd or not the person i was involved with knows right from wrong and time after time after time again she chose to do the wrong thing. I do not wish her happiness and get great joy when i hear of mess after mess that she keeps getting herself into. I don't feel about about feeling that way either. If you've got hate in your heart let it out and embrace it Smiling (click to insert in post)

Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal. The longer that you hold on to it the more that it burns you... .
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« Reply #27 on: December 20, 2014, 12:53:20 AM »

I thought I was saving her from an abusive ex but I was just replacing a good man who was worn down and on the verge of madness by her behaviour.

bingo, that's it in a nutshell.  she told me one of her ex's was "a psycho stalker".  abusive.  i became a knight in shining armor (!),  contacted him, threatened him if he didn't stop w/his psycho stalking stuff.  

well hell, come to find out, she eventually calls everyone "abusive".  even me!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  look at her sideways?  abuser!   ask a probing question?  abuser!   begin to see behind her mask?  abuser!

at THAT point that i serendipitously had a long and enlightening conversation with that ex.  see, she always kept everyone in her life separate and compartmentalized - far away from each other.  well he told me a lot of stuff.  comparing notes was both horrific and fascinating!  he thought she had NPD or was a sociopath possibly psychopath on top of BPD.  i have to agree.   i started shaking.  scared.  what had i gotten myself into?  why oh why had i ignored all those            ?

so yeah, thanx for the post, enlightenme.  sometimes i get jealous but then i remember that the new people will get (or ARE getting) the same treatment and someday they might come to me, angry, brokenhearted, confused.

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« Reply #28 on: December 20, 2014, 08:38:27 AM »

That all sounds very familiar, I too "saved" my gf from an abusive stalker ex, right to the point where we got a retraining order against him earlier this year. Only problem was he was a little deranged and most definitely a stalker. Spoke to him a few times on the phone when he kept calling and whilst most of the time he made no sense, he said she was crazy and on drugs (not true but I can see where BPD might play a part in his thinking)

It's been a rough couple of weeks with her lately (see previous posts) but the other night was a bit of a breakthrough. She called me because she needed my help in answering some questions a support department sent her and she didn't know what to email back. They were only asking her for a contact number, address etc... I assumed this was a test to see if I still cared enough about her.

Then yesterday I got another call, she had several missed calls from a number she didn't recognise and panicked in case it was her "crazy" ex breaking his restraining order. Again, I found out who the number belonged to and reassured her it was ok but to block the number as it's been registered as a scam. I also explained to her that these appear to be random so she isn't a target just another random person in a long line of attempted scams.

Got another phonecall last night to let me know she was out shopping, she wanted to get me more gifts for Christmas to say thank you and to show me how much she cares about me. Seemed everything was back on track following the dysregulation these past couple of weeks.

Then today - nothing. Thanks to the guys on this site I've given up chasing now as it just seems to make things worse. Instead, I just get on with what I have and need to do. Frustrating yes, but when I think back to things she has said and things I have seen, I know this has been a pattern every time. I have no doubt that this is what caused "crazy" ex to believe she was on drugs and how he appears to be stuck in anger phase. I have no doubt that the boyfriend she had who she came home from work one day and found all of her things on her bed from his house, never to speak to her again, the father of her children who won't give her the time of day and has been strictly NC for the past 7 years despite them being together for 15 years. The abusive boyfriend who would beat her etc... .There were even a couple who cheated on her too. Now I don't advocate cheating and always believed in loyalty but part of me has often wondered if they were in the same position I am where they don't feel validated and she has basically turned her back on them, could it be that they did that believing the r/s was over and just moved on? I do think about them and whether it was lack of understanding the situation they were in, that they were good people who just believed she had moved on. Or is it that she was the one who cheated and is projecting that on them when they finally moved on with their lives. It's all so very confusing.

What angers her the most about me is that I'm not abusive, not violent, I've never even once raised my voice to her. I'm supportive, kind and generous (though sometimes a little too much) and I'm always there when she needs me. Her friends and family know that so she isn't able to paint me in the same light. The last time she shut me out, her daughters got angry with her and told her that she finally meets someone nice and caring and she screws it up. Her best friend has even backed my corner on several occasions despite not even knowing me (she only seems to have 1 friend and keeps everyone compartmentalized too) I think she gets angry at the fact she can't paint me black and has even said words to that effect. She has told me there are times she feels irritated and hates me but doesn't know why or where those feelings come from because I have done nothing wrong. Then she remembers all the things I have done for her and she then feels guilty and ashamed for hating me and the cycle repeats.

So just goes to show, doesn't matter if you are the kindest person in the world or the most abusive, those feelings are going to appear and there is nothing you can say or do that will ever change it. All you can do is take care of you and only make those changes in life that make you a better person, not what you feel someone else needs.

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Mr.Downtrodden
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 134


« Reply #29 on: December 20, 2014, 09:00:21 AM »

Like it or not, we nons were all used.

Plain and simple.

Used

We need to think of our relationships as if we were a faucet.

Turned on for as long as the water needed to run, then turned off until the next time.

It took a scary,life-threatening event between us for me to painfully admit that i am not her faucet.

I gave my all once I felt I could trust her enough.  I had no idea she was who she turned out to be.

I still hurt 18 months plus - it is as if a part of myself died. Trust and openness being two of mention.

But I had to teach myself that what transpired had nothing to do with me.

Because i was used.

Mental illness aside, what I wish for my ex is that she can somehow get it together enough to raise her kid, but I fear the poor kid will turn out damaged, just like mom.  And that is the saddest part of it all.  Another person born who becomes damaged because of parental mental illness.
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