feeling confused about what to do now

[fallen from the pedestal]

I have been married to my husband for 7.5 years and we've been together for 10+ years. He is 16 years older than I am and I am his 3rd wife. The first 2 wives cheated on him and he was the victim, I so wanted to be the one that made it better for him, the one to show him that true love didn't hurt and that I wouldn't hurt him. He told me that he never got resolution for either marriage and so when he would blow up at me, accuse me of being unfaithful or whorish, cuss me, yell at me for hours - I kept telling myself that it wasn't me, that he was really dealing with the pain of the failed marriages and I was just being a sounding board for him. I thought that I was helping him to work through his pain, even though the events that would set him off involved me - he would get jealous, he would accuse me of being interested in other men, men that I worked with, men at church, past boyfriends (not me Ex-husband) were a threat to him. He told me that he felt like we had been together in another time and that all of these "people" kept us apart and he was so hurt that I let them love me when I should've waited for him.  I had to quit a wonderful job that I loved because he would wait outside the building for me and if I walked out with a male co-worker, I know I was about to be in an argument - not really an argument, because I never got the chance to talk, I just cried because he would make me believe that I was doing something wrong.

After we married, he wanted us to be together all the time, I spent less and less time with family and friends, I had to text him when I arrived at work, when I left work, when I got home - if I forgot there was a major interrogation. If he ever forgot - it was not big deal.

We have been separated for over a month - this cycle has lasted longer than recent ones and this time he scared me. Since we've been apart, he doesn't understand what he has done wrong - because he hasn't done anything wrong. It is 100% my fault. That is what he has said. He doesn't know what it is that I am looking for to come home -

He now has a huge interest in sex that he didn't have for many, many years and he asks me everyday to just come over for that if I'm not ready to come home.

At this point, I'm tired, I miss my home, I am weary of living without a home or knowing what the future holds. He let the cat out of the bag so to speak at church - he had one of his jealous/paranoid episodes in front of the choir and now they know - so, he asked our counselor to have a psych eval - I maybe posting pre-maturely, but BPD fits him and our psychologist is in agreement - just waiting on the results.

Not living with him, not having to walk on the eggshells, being able to decide if I want to answer the phone if it's him, being able to see my friends without interrogation has been wonderful. I almost feel like a person again - it also makes me wonder if it was really that bad - he's been on his good behavior and now, I'm totally confused.

Thank you for listening.

[Lucky Jim]

Not living with him, not having to walk on the eggshells, being able to decide if I want to answer the phone if it's him, being able to see my friends without interrogation has been wonderful. I almost feel like a person again -

Hey fallen from the pedestal, Well, pedestals aren't such comfortable places anyway.  Sounds like you have had a well-deserved break.  Returning the focus to yourself, and your needs, is key, in my view.  You might find it helpful to sit with your feelings and listen to what your gut is telling you to do.  What is the right path for you?  Where should you go from here in your life?  You get the idea.  LuckyJim

[fallen from the pedestal]

Thank you Jim- I am soo not used to putting myself first - to considering my needs before anyone else's. I have been so "conditioned" to respond to his needs and wants that it is still my first reaction. I am trying to break that way of thinking - I am grateful to be connected to a group of people that understand and can remind me that I need to take care of me and figure out what is best for me.

[notdownyet]

Yes, you do need to start thinking about you first, rather than what you're husband wants you to think or not think.

Enjoy your freedom, and don't accept living within his unreasonable boundaries.

It sounds like your husband needs to do a lot of work on himself, in order to recognise his controlling and blaming behaviour, before he gets anyway near to the person that you deserve.