Something wrong with me?

[Danie14]

Long story short I am still living with my uSTBXH (I think I got that abbreviation right? Undiagnosed soon to be ex-husband). I want him out of my house. He’s agreed to move. He won’t actually move. I told him that I want to be alone…

…and then his dad ends up in the hospital and yes, it’s a hard thing to go thru I get that I know I’ve been there and it hurts….I just don’t know. Maybe I’m the f’ed up one here. Idk anymore….dang it. Dang it…dang it…I’d like to cuss right now but won’t…what’s wrong with me? Seriously, why is this so f’ing hard? It doesn’t make any ever-loving sense to me.

His dad’s dying. Of this I’m certain. It’s a matter of time. He’s having a very VERY hard time with this. He feels me pulling away…omg…and he’s f’ing clinging to me like a second skin…He’s been so horrible to me IN THE PAST and now he’s being very nice to me. He’s wanting to talk to express to share to hear me….oh holy moly….he’s never been like this before, not exactly like this…and I think….maybe….it’s still an act. Or a manipulation. Or something. Based on fear. Not on love. Dang it...

Forgive. This is what one of my friends told me. I need to forgive him and myself for all of it. Yes, I get that. I thought I did but I guess I haven’t. Maybe I just pushed it all down. So I’m looking at this from that angle. Forgive him and leave with love. If that’s even possible. How does one know when they’ve actually forgiven another? I heard once that it means giving up hope for a different past. That’s (sorry) dumb because the past is over and one with and there is no going back. Never. Of course I have no hope for a different past.

So…here I sit…wondering if there is something wrong with me…

[Forestaken]

You are in a terrible FOG!

I'm recently divorced.  My dOCD+uBPD-Xw left for her aunt's funeral.  After an extended stay (10 months) I heard she hit her younger sister (they are in their 40s & 50s)! I had enough.  I filed.

1) You are not f'ed up, they are but realize: You didn't cause it, you can't control it or cure it. 

2) Forgiveness is temp.  IMO: does your friend know what it is like to live with a BPD?  If not, their advice is weak.

3) His father is going to die.  So what - we all are.  Will his father live years longer if you stay? 

4) Decide: Do you want to die as you have lived? It's your life, you owe it to yourself -

I know I sound bitter but it how I pull my strength realizing I am valuable.   

[Danie14]

What does FOG mean again? Fear-Obligation-Guilt…?

Fear- I am afraid…of what? Lots of things mostly making the wrong decision. I’m afraid of him. To be honest. I fear him…why? I get this ugly feeling inside of myself when I think of this…I need to get to the root of this fear.

Obligation – to my own beliefs, morals, values…yes…is that wrong? I don’t think so…but if those beliefs morals values don’t serve me in a healthy way…then maybe I’m wrong with me with my ideas…idk…just getting wrapped up inside my head…

Guilt – yes, yes…omg yes….guilt is a killer. I know it serves no good purpose…maybe to help one learn what not to do in the future….but I feel terrible guilt for…for lots of things…mostly for putting my needs last on my list….and then I get this guilty feeling for WANTING to put myself first.

It’s all tangled up inside myself. I don’t know how to get it unwound. Untangled.

I feel like if I could just get away…for a while to think…that I could get clearer in my head once the ‘pulling’ is gone….like I’m shell shocked or something…he says something and my mind goes off in the craziest of ways…like I want to do xyz but know I have to do abc or they’re be hell to pay…and I HATE HATE HATE this…I do things even tho I don’t want to just so the boat wont rock. If the boat doesn’t rock chances are things will be ok. If the boat rocks chances are things are going to be bad. Manipulation of my environment to ensure the best chances for a stable environment.

So…if I can get away, to myself, living my life…maybe I can see/do/be what/who I really am…

I’m not heartless and I choose to not be bitter…His dad dying plays a huge part in this situation at the moment. Yes, he’s going to die anyway but at the same time I refuse to kick my H when he’s so down…even after all the crap…

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Danie14, No, there's nothing wrong with you.  When you find your mind in a tangle, you might try mindfulness meditation by sitting with your thoughts and feelings, just observing.  I've been in the FOG, too, and usually when I look back at my reasons they don't hold up well.  Concerning guilt, there's nothing selfish in my view about paying attention to one's own needs and desires.  Concerning obligation, I doubt anyone will give you a medal for suffering, so perhaps your obligation is misplaced.  Concerning fear, I agree that it's a part of a r/s with a pwBPD, yet would suggest that any r/s based on fear is unhealthy.  You have no control over the health of your father-in-law.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Try to do what you think is right.  LuckyJim

[going places]

www.narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/

www.buzzle.com/articles/narcissistic-personality-disorder/

www.buzzle.com/articles/antisocial-personality-disorder/

www.buzzle.com/articles/sociopath-traits.html

The above, was my life, for 25 years.

The FOG was THICK.

I threw the ex out (because he thought he was gonna stay living here after the divorce because money was tight and he could not afford a place of his own... .WRONG)

I threw the ex out while his father a few states away is not doing well.

It makes me sound like a monster... .

BUT I had to.

For my sanity, my healing and for the emotional/mental safety of my adult children still living in the home.

It took me about 45 days of him being GONE out of my face to realize; No contact was the way.

So I blocked him on EVERYTHING except email (we have a house to sell so I had to talk to him about that)

THEN the FOG started to lift, quickly.

I could THEN see what was happening to me ((see above links))

I could THEN see that the PTSD was REAL... .and it was NOT my fault.

I could THEN start seeing things rationally, logically... .not emotionally.

Every single day gets better.

I spent YEARS... .Y-E-A-R-S... .being told it was me, and being made to believe *I* was the crazy one.

By him and his hideous family.

Not any more.

Never again.

Get as far away from him as you can... .as fast as you can.

[MammaMia]

Danie

You will know you have forgiven your ex and yourself when you are able to move forward without remorse or guilt.  When you know you have done the best you can do ... .but cannot continue doing it, and leaving is a positive direction for you.  

Be cautious about emotional entrapment, i.e. a dying father-in-law.  It is possible to be supportive and sympathetic toward your ex without becoming enmeshed, if you stay focused on your goals.  You can be respectful and kind without becoming vulnerable.

Remember, we all create our own happiness, and, likewise, we create our own misery.  

[Forestaken]

I’m not heartless and I choose to not be bitter…His dad dying plays a huge part in this situation at the moment. Yes, he’s going to die anyway but at the same time I refuse to kick my H when he’s so down…even after all the crap…

Are you kicking him or is he exploiting his father's illness?

Live your life.