Met up after 7 months nc

[Front runner]

Hi All,

Following a text from my ex BPD girlfriend I met her for a drink.

Prior to meeting I had done some good work on myself but hadn't detached and was stuck, still ruminating and obsessing over my fantasy what might and could be in the future between me and her.

Anyway we met. We kissed each other hello and the first thing she said was ' you stink' what are you wearing. I haven't worn aftershave for twenty years. She looked pretty awful and her hands were shaking uncontrollably. Mine were too. However hers were shaking from a drugs and alcohol binge. Mine were shaking from anxiety over our meeting.

we sat down with our drinks. She talked solidly about her new life for 20 minutes and her constant drama while periodically checking her phone every 2 minutes. I sat there in silence.

I went outside for a cigarette and she came out too. I told her a couple of things about my life. She just said' that it' so I said I've also arranged this meet to see if there was anything between us. She kind of recoiled a bit. Said no she had completely moved on thought it was a friendly catchup etc . I said I better go saying it would be too awkward to stay kissed her on the cheek and left.

She was so remote it was horrible. Like we weren't in the same bar. Looks like she's gone back to the bar to work where all the trouble (drugs and other guys) started for us in the first place. I thought she was totally dya regulated. Cuts on her head shaking violently. Her chat was aggressive and grim and only about herself.

It helped to meet face to face. I hope it helps chip away at my fantasy which is after all only that. I still want to save her but I don't have that option anymore.

I am still struggling to reach acceptance that it's over and that she won't see the light so to speak. But her coldness toward me was so evident I have to see things for what they are. But I've got this demon in my head that keeps telling me she'll be back. But I've seen it all in the flesh . She's aggressive she's angry she's frightening psychotic on drugs and gradually loosing her looks.

[Splitblack4good]

Sorry to hear that man. I suppose we would all love a text from our ex if we still have feelings for them . Then meet and it only go bad like it did for you . Did she say why she text you to start with ?

[Front runner]

Thanks split black. No she didn't say. I thought it was a reaching out text. Asking things about where I was living etc. maybe it was at the time. But a week later when we met it all seemed very different. Like I was the instigator of the whole thing and she was very guarded while I was the open one. Felt like I was just abusing myself further by meeting up with her. She didn't say why she texted and I didn't ask. I didn't ask anything that might have caused either of us pain or discomfort like who she abandoned me for the time she moved out taking all her stuff and my condoms having texted me the day before saying I was the love of her life. Leaving me and my son to fend for ourselves for the weekend. Me a total wreck. The worst time of my life. I asked for no explanations Appologiies and showed her no anger. Just left. As I left she said she wouldn't text me again. Presumably looking out for me so I don't put myself back in that place. But she said she wouldn't text me again in the summer and she did. I think she just wanted the validation of knowing I was still there for her. I was but one day I won't be. Thing is I'm beating myself up with the fantasy and I'm beating myself up by meeting her. But hope I can see the meeting as a self controlled painful dose of reality to pour water on the flames of fantasy

[Deeno02]

Braver man than I would have been. I couldnt have done it. I have zero to say to my ex... .zero.

[Raybo48]

Yea, going to meet her took major guts considering she replaced you so easily.  I couldn't have done it, no way.   Sounds like she is spiraling out of control with alcohol and drugs so any fantasy you have (believe me I've had those days too) you should keep a mental picture in your head of what she looked like and how she acted and know it's not likely to change and will probably get worse. 

[Front runner]

Thanks, it felt brave in the week leading up to the meeting I was desperate to phone her every day as I realised I would be confronting my fantasy with the reality. By phoning her and giving her reason and myself reason to duck out I could have escaped the reality and stayed in my little nc fantasy bubble. It took the biggest guys I had to meet. Again, the first thing she said was you stink. She ordered a double jd and coke at 11.30 in the morning. She was shaking uncontrollably. Thought it was the same reason I was. Obviously not. She ranted for 20 mins about her life. I could tell the barmaid thought she was a nutter. She's looking more and more masculine with a thicker neck than my own and an Adams apple. Greasy complexion. Loads of ma cup. Not the slightest bit of interest in me or my life. Dismissed any notion of us getting back together and said she had moved on and had no feelings for me. This is the reality.

I'm please I didn't react badly get angry or rage. Maybe I should have done but what's the point. I just protected the broken part of myself before my emotions took over and walked away. She said I better not text you again I said that's probably a good idea.

Already fantasy land fighting back. Will she get in touch... .? Hell

[Raybo48]

She sounds like a lost soul. My exBPDgf was a major alcholic and she drank morning noon and night. She had alcohol shakes when she was coming down and would drink beer to try and keep the withdrawals in check.  If it were me I'd pity her and never see her again because the road shes headed down is nowhere you want to be.  Rock bottom can have a very ugly and sad ending and you need to worry about you.  Just my .02.

[ucmeicu2]

I am still struggling to reach acceptance that it's over and that she won't see the light so to speak. But her coldness toward me was so evident I have to see things for what they are. But I've got this demon in my head that keeps telling me she'll be back. But I've seen it all in the flesh . She's aggressive she's angry she's frightening psychotic on drugs and gradually loosing her looks.

it's quite simple that we get addicted to all the cluster b's... .our BPD's, narcissists, sociopaths, etc.  (not all narcissists are BPD but all BPD's are narcissists).   it's quite a chilling thrill ride, high octane-fueled by Intermittent Reinforcement!  i thought it was love - and it partly was, of course... in my head mostly      - but it was predominantly addiction.  once i began treating it as such, my recovery took off leaps and bounds.  yours can too.  put the focus on YOU. 

one little thing i do:  wear a rubberband on my wrist and snap it when i start to think of/fantasize about my xBPDgf.   

icu

[Front runner]

Thanks, I've tried the rubber band thing. I'm way too manic for that! Feel yuk today. Like I've taken a big step back. Maybe the pain I'm in is pointing more towards acceptance now. I hope so. I really want to move on now. I've seen her, the reality. She has no feelings for me. And hasn't for quite some time.

When I met her I thought 'wow this is the most self centred person I have ever come across. And she is without a doubt. I met her needs for a period of time. That's it. I'm not needed anymore. She is unable to feel love or compassion or empathy or have any feelings at all for any other human being. At the moment she needs drugs in my opinion and is getting those needs met through other sources. She's paycotic and violent utterly selfish and 100% self absorbed. She slept around on me dozens of times. She used my flat rent free as a base to do her stuff. For her I was base camp that's it. Somewhere to sleep get fed and be validated by someone who basically adored her and would do anything for her. Except abandon my son. Which was one of her final demands. The hold she had on me and still has is incredible. Before I met her I had a dream. Three men were in the dream. One was tied to a chair. The second man was a psychopath who was punching the seated man above the eye. In between each blow the third man would patch up the wound with a tub of Vaseline. The wound would heal before the next blow. But only superficially as the whole area became so mushy the flesh would fall off like fish from a bone.

An interesting dream to share and significant in the light of me arranging that meeting. If I take responsibility for my actions I'm probably all three people. To allow the wound to heal I can't get punched anymore. So no more meeting no more texting. Take the pain of abandonment and rejection fully and start to heal from the inside core leave no stone unturned and don't cover anything up. My take on her I think she's a sociopath bordering psychopath . Thanks for listening

[ucmeicu2]

My take on her I think she's a sociopath bordering psychopath . Thanks for listening

now thisss, this is clarity ~ good for you!  and you're welcome. 

cool dream, awesome insight.  i had one too wanna hear it?  a couple yrs ago, when i was in the thick of it with my xBPDgf, i dreamed i was petting a large german shepherd dog.  dog was diggin' it!  it was fun, sweet, safe.  then... .dog starts growling, then snarling, showing teeth, getting really aggressive, threatening.  i literally panicked!  then i start to say the dog's name, while trying to pet it and calm it down.  the dog's name?  HERS!  holy, ___e!  woke up in a cold sweat from that one.  probably doesn't sound as scary to you to tell it... .  but it still makes my stomach churn with anxiety.

you know what?  that was yet another red flag... .a very clear and stark message from my subconscious.  and yet another one that i ignored.  wth?  talk abt a thick head,

icu

[peiper]

These people live and act out whatever emotion they are feeling at that moment. So when she contacted you she probably was missing you and feeling remorse,  but it changed. They change direction like the wind.

[ucmeicu2]

These people live and act out whatever emotion they are feeling at that moment. So when she contacted you she probably was missing you and feeling remorse,  but it changed. They change direction like the wind.

that's right.  no constancy.  no consistency.  nothing solid.  THAT is why it twisted us up to the point of insanity.  it's like living with a roulette wheel... .  or a slot machine... .  or forrest gump's box of chocolates ~ "momma says you never know what you're gonna get".  dat's right, forrest.