It hurts that she believes I did terrible things

[Mercury2Pluto]

After we got married she experienced intense emotional turmoil to the point of becoming non functional for several months.  Because feelings equal facts she believed that I must be treating her horribly to cause such painful emotions.  Even though I am aware of the the feelings equal facts distortion, it still really hurts that a person believes that I mistreated a human being so terribly. 

[HappyNihilist]

I'm sorry you're hurting, Mercury2Pluto.   It does hurt when someone we love believes that we did terrible things to them. It hurts like hell. We feel invalidated and misunderstood and insulted. You place value on not mistreating others (a positive thing!), so it especially hurts that she believes this of you. Even being aware that it's a distortion doesn't stop the pain when we're on the full-blown receiving end of it.

When a pwBPD is triggered, they feel past pain/trauma as if it's happening at that moment. If one of their psychic wounds is abuse, then they will associate painful feelings with that abuse, and then feel that sense of mistreatment when triggered. It's just like you said... ."you must have been treating her horribly to cause such painful emotions."

People's perceptions are their reality. Right now her perception/reality is that you mistreated her. It may change later. When realities are based on emotions, they are often quite changeable.

You know that you didn't mistreat her; that is your reality. She can't take your truth away from you. 

[Tibbles]

It does hurt when they believe you have acted in such a terrible way. When these accusations were first flung at me I was shocked and dumbfounded. How could my ex possibly think I would do that to him. Doesn't he know I love him, that he is my partner for life and that I would never do those things to him. How could he believe that of me, think that of me. I was so hurt.

I've come to accept it was all part of his distorted view of the world when he is having an "episode". Even now it still hurts that some one I thought so much of thought so little of me. Guess it always will, when I look back it is one of those things that hurts a lot. So sad.

[Blimblam]

I feel you.  My ex began to blam and argue with me when I became busy for a while. 

When they feel like crap they split themself and project that out when the person they are projecting into feels like crap too they then get to dissasociate from the crap because now it's your crap. They then ideally find a nurturing source of validation and the cycle is complete of avoiding dealing with their own inner turmoil.  Meanwhile we are left still feeling like crap.

[Infared]

I'm sorry you're hurting, Mercury2Pluto.   It does hurt when someone we love believes that we did terrible things to them. It hurts like hell. We feel invalidated and misunderstood and insulted. You place value on not mistreating others (a positive thing!), so it especially hurts that she believes this of you. Even being aware that it's a distortion doesn't stop the pain when we're on the full-blown receiving end of it.

When a pwBPD is triggered, they feel past pain/trauma as if it's happening at that moment. If one of their psychic wounds is abuse, then they will associate painful feelings with that abuse, and then feel that sense of mistreatment when triggered. It's just like you said... ."you must have been treating her horribly to cause such painful emotions."

People's perceptions are their reality. Right now her perception/reality is that you mistreated her. It may change later. When realities are based on emotions, they are often quite changeable.

You know that you didn't mistreat her; that is your reality. She can't take your truth away from you. 

Thanks for that reminder.  It's easy to forget who we are and how we acted after coming through the gauntlet that is a relationship with a pwBPD. Being painted black by someone you care deeply about is a difficult thing to endure.   Coming here and reading posts like yours helps keep the balance in place.  Thanks!   

[NYMike]

In the beginning when I was her idol it was wonderful to feel that way.

Once they turn you BLACK it is hell.They go on the smear campaigne and make sure they call recruits to back them.They will say anything to anyone about how SICK YOU ARE and even make up LIES about you.

No doubt it hurts like hell and leaves you so confused and NOT VALIDATED.It leaves you feeling if this person was ever ''real'' and ''who they truly are''.

How could this person tell me all these wonderful things in the beginning and then turn around one day and destroy my character and hate me then discard me like I was a nothing.Sure that is very very painful.

I am in it now and she went to the extreme and put an Order Of Protection out on me and calls me a Stalker and calls me the most abusive man she has ever been with.WOW that hurt me deeply.

It hurt deeply because I now I was the best man she ever had and treated her with respect and love.I was the only man that cared about her life and offered her a good life.I could go on and on how wonderful I treated this woman.

So hang in there and realize this is there projection and blame.They refuse to look at themselves and OWN any of there actions,behaviors or thoughts.

[Infared]

In the beginning when I was her idol it was wonderful to feel that way.

Once they turn you BLACK it is hell.They go on the smear campaigne and make sure they call recruits to back them.They will say anything to anyone about how SICK YOU ARE and even make up LIES about you.

No doubt it hurts like hell and leaves you so confused and NOT VALIDATED.It leaves you feeling if this person was ever ''real'' and ''who they truly are''.

How could this person tell me all these wonderful things in the beginning and then turn around one day and destroy my character and hate me then discard me like I was a nothing.Sure that is very very painful.

I am in it now and she went to the extreme and put an Order Of Protection out on me and calls me a Stalker and calls me the most abusive man she has ever been with.WOW that hurt me deeply.

It hurt deeply because I now I was the best man she ever had and treated her with respect and love.I was the only man that cared about her life and offered her a good life.I could go on and on how wonderful I treated this woman.

So hang in there and realize this is there projection and blame.They refuse to look at themselves and OWN any of there actions,behaviors or thoughts.

Yeah NYMike... .it's a roller coaster ride to be sure.

When My pwBPD literally ran out of the house to be with new supply. (Lying to me that there was anyone else). I was packing her belongings and feeding her cats, which I loved, dearly.  At one point when I talked to her she warned me that I better not hurt her pets?  I can't tell you how much that hurt me. Of course she was cheating on me and lying so behind that is her projection of what I might do if I found out. It was all her crap and her fears she was trying to lay on me... .but man did it hurt at the time.  I was just beginning to learn how sick she is and now I am able to not take any of that crap on.

Anybody going through this... .just hug yourself and know your self value. It's no joy ride!

[whythisgirl]

It really does hurt!  :'( Just last my my exBPD accused me of trying to hit him with my car. He was getting out the car and I placed the car in reverse while the door was closing and inadvertently revved the engine but the car didn't go anywhere. He looked at me with hate in his eyes and "said you tried to run me over".  I looked at him in shock and said I am sorry I accidently revved the engine but I would never try to run you over. He got in his car didn't even look in my direction and drove off. This is the 2nd event in 3 weeks where he blamed me for trying to hurt him.

After my entire evening with him last night and how he treated me up until we departed. I lost all of the little respect/love I had for him.  I have never in my life been talked to or treated so disrespectful by anyone. No more recycling for me. I will let him think in his disordered mind that I tried to hurt him. I refuse to continue to defend myself for something I did not do.