Split to Black: A realization that helped (and keeps helping) me a lot

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I took my time to investigate the circumstances under which BPD affects us non's and some remarkable posts of our fellow user named "2010" help me realize that it was not my fault for what  happened, that the outcome of this fantasy "interaction" was only a matter of time, and the concept of love could not be applied here, because all I did perceived in this time was the effect of the BPD mirroring whatever I radiated into her.

There was no relationship, except in my mind.

She never loved me, she needed me to attach herself to me. She used me in this way. Of course I fell in love thinking I found the most  amazing person on the face of Earth. It was a delusion.

She could never possibly  loved me, because she has a disorder, this disorder in all of it's exuberant cruelty, does just that: It destroys and ruins people's lives and make the miserable.

So don't be too sad, you must  all understand that  there wasn't anything we could have done to avoid it, it's just the way it goes, the way it is. IT'S A DISORDER.

We were in love and attempted to build a relationship with someone who was not in the position to give us their love back. They have BPD they are unable to love because they can't feel love the way  we do. It is a horrendous disorder. We can't control it, nor cure it.

Most important of all, our loved ones can't be held accountable - It's a disorder. They  didn't do it out of malice, or on purpose.

What we really must weep is for what was done to THEM, the damage they have sustained and the way their lives were destroyed. 

Therefore, the best we can do is let go. Let go and turn the focus to ourselves, and be nice to ourselves, because that will give us the strength to cope with our loss. Time heals, you  must give yourself time to heal, and find a little peace of mind.

This "relationship" I was in, it was harming my soul, and I'm glad and relieved it is over. I want to move on and find a person who can really appreciate me as I am. I am no longer interested in playing a part in someone's princess movie. Got no time for that, life is short.   

G-dbless everyone, I wish you a Merry Christmas, my heart goes out for ya all. 

IT IS A DISORDER, THERE'S NOTHING YOU  COULD HAVE DONE TO STOP IT OR PREVENT IT, AND SINCE IT'S HIDDEN, YOU COULDN'T BE AWARE UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE.       

[PaintedBlack28]

I took my time to investigate the circumstances under which BPD affects us non's and some remarkable posts of our fellow user named "2010" help me realize that it was not my fault for what  happened, that the outcome of this fantasy "interaction" was only a matter of time, and the concept of love could not be applied here, because all I did perceived in this time was the effect of the BPD mirroring whatever I radiated into her.

There was no relationship, except in my mind.

She never loved me, she needed me to attach herself to me. She used me in this way. Of course I fell in love thinking I found the most  amazing person on the face of Earth. It was a delusion.

She could never possibly  loved me, because she has a disorder, this disorder in all of it's exuberant cruelty, does just that: It destroys and ruins people's lives and make the miserable.

So don't be too sad, you must  all understand that  there wasn't anything we could have done to avoid it, it's just the way it goes, the way it is. IT'S A DISORDER.

We were in love and attempted to build a relationship with someone who was not in the position to give us their love back. They have BPD they are unable to love because they can't feel love the way  we do. It is a horrendous disorder. We can't control it, nor cure it.

Most important of all, our loved ones can't be held accountable - It's a disorder. They  didn't do it out of malice, or on purpose.

What we really must weep is for what was done to THEM, the damage they have sustained and the way their lives were destroyed. 

Therefore, the best we can do is let go. Let go and turn the focus to ourselves, and be nice to ourselves, because that will give us the strength to cope with our loss. Time heals, you  must give yourself time to heal, and find a little peace of mind.

This "relationship" I was in, it was harming my soul, and I'm glad and relieved it is over. I want to move on and find a person who can really appreciate me as I am. I am no longer interested in playing a part in someone's princess movie. Got no time for that, life is short.   

G-dbless everyone, I wish you a Merry Christmas, my heart goes out for ya all. 

IT IS A DISORDER, THERE'S NOTHING YOU  COULD HAVE DONE TO STOP IT OR PREVENT IT, AND SINCE IT'S HIDDEN, YOU COULDN'T BE AWARE UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE.       

[NYMike]

Thank You.This is so true...

[parisian]

Hi PaintedBlack28, I read every single post from member '2010'. It helped me alot too by completely depersonalising their actions, and made me understand that none of their behaviour was about me at all. That they couldn't help it - it was always going to play out the way that it did. Really helped in my recovery.

I would recommend member 2010's posts to everyone new on here too.

[NYMike]

I just started to read 2010's post's.Alot of good info and understanding a BPD Partner.

[peiper]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

[whythisgirl]

PaintedBlack2 - thank you! I needed to hear this! I had the worst night ever with my xBPD. The disorder saddens me. I know he isn't capable to love me so I need to let go.  :'(

[Mr.Downtrodden]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

[whythisgirl]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

Yep, they sure don't. I catch my xBPD smirking each time he does me wrong. Like he gets a kick out of it.

[myself]

My ex originally devalued me because she couldn't help it.

Subsequent actions were definitely of her choosing.

To cover her tracks/misdeeds, avoid her shame, etc.

She also told me many times that she was "testing" me.

I've held her, and myself, accountable. We're both human.

It was a relationship that really wasn't, and it's over.

[peiper]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

Yep, they sure don't. I catch my xBPD smirking each time he does me wrong. Like he gets a kick out of it.

Mine did the same thing. I could tell she got a kick out of it. Kind of like cat playing with a mouse.

[NYMike]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

They are Monsters.So true what you have written here.It's so sick how they treat people and the damage in there trail of destruction...

[peiper]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

They are Monsters.So true what you have written here.It's so sick how they treat people and the damage in there trail of destruction...

Monsters is so spot on Mike. I love you so much I'm going to completely destroy you. Yeah that's love alright. I don't wish her anything but the karma she has coming.

[fred6]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

They are Monsters.So true what you have written here.It's so sick how they treat people and the damage in there trail of destruction...

I'm kind of torn on this issue. I know that there is "something?" wrong with my ex. I know that she didn't choose to be how she is, and I don't blame her for how she is. It's not her fault she is the way she is. So therefore, I can't blame her for her traits and some of her actions.

However, she is 41 year old adult. And according to her, she is a Christian woman. Therefore she knows right from wrong.

She made the choice to cheat on me. She could have ended our relationship and waited until I moved out.

She made the choice to go spend the night with replacement and rub it in my face while I still lived there.

She made the choice to go total NC like I didn't exist after I moved out. She could have acted like I meant something to her.

And on, and on, and on. I could make this list as long as my arm about her choices in life that hurt other people. So while I cannot blame her mental issues on her. Her decisions to hurt people and continue to hurt people can be directly blamed on her. And she doesn't care either way. She knows that she has something wrong with her mentally and she won't do anything to manage it. She has a choice and that choice is directly on her.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

EXACTLY.

Personal responsibility - the BPDS have NONE.

[hope2727]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

They are Monsters.So true what you have written here.It's so sick how they treat people and the damage in there trail of destruction...

I'm kind of torn on this issue. I know that there is "something?" wrong with my ex. I know that she didn't choose to be how she is, and I don't blame her for how she is. It's not her fault she is the way she is. So therefore, I can't blame her for her traits and some of her actions.

However, she is 41 year old adult. And according to her, she is a Christian woman. Therefore she knows right from wrong.

She made the choice to cheat on me. She could have ended our relationship and waited until I moved out.

She made the choice to go spend the night with replacement and rub it in my face while I still lived there.

She made the choice to go total NC like I didn't exist after I moved out. She could have acted like I meant something to her.

And on, and on, and on. I could make this list as long as my arm about her choices in life that hurt other people. So while I cannot blame her mental issues on her. Her decisions to hurt people and continue to hurt people can be directly blamed on her. And she doesn't care either way. She knows that she has something wrong with her mentally and she won't do anything to manage it. She has a choice and that choice is directly on her.

Yup. Mine is 43. He is a product of his circumstances just like I am. He chose to cheat lie manipulate blah blah blah. We are all products of our upbringing. I had a crappy one filled with confusion and violence. I choose not to let it define me. I Jose to be honest and honorable. I choose to be kind and caring.

He choose. Now he can lay in the bed of lies he made. Or he can apologies and make amends. Not just an apology mind you (an apology is just words) but true amends ... .Actions. There is nothing that he has done I can't forgive but I'll be damned if I sweep it under the rig and not deal with it. 

[EaglesJuju]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

They are Monsters.So true what you have written here.It's so sick how they treat people and the damage in there trail of destruction...

Monsters is so spot on Mike. I love you so much I'm going to completely destroy you. Yeah that's love alright. I don't wish her anything but the karma she has coming.

Think of it from this perspective.  If they are such monsters, then why were we with them?  What does that say about us?

[parisian]

Think of it from this perspective.  If they are such monsters, then why were we with them?  What does that say about us?

Whilst I can only speak for me and not others - I had no idea of her illness. Their idealization phase sucked us all in, until that monster switch was flicked. For me, when it did, I tried to rationalize some it, explain some of it away out of 'love' for that person.

I took a free pass out of there after a year and a half, but plenty of others are still struggling in relationships.

One of the biggest realizations we all come to (hopefully), is identifying and understanding what our role was in facilitating (or allowing or accepting) that behaviour.

To heal, we must understand our own co-dependency issues and failure to enforce boundaries in situations where there anything less than love, care or respect shown to us. Hopefully that all makes us much stronger in any future relationships. We must vow to never allow ourselves to be treated like that again.

[Mutt]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

According to a 2006 Justice Dept study more than half of inmates have a mental health problem and 3/4 of female inmates have a mental health problem.

www.bjs.gov/content/pub/pdf/mhppji.pdf

Got no time for that, life is short.

I like this.

Get busy living or get busy dying.

[SlyQQ]

Some of them are like shonky second hand car dealers they con you but often play close enough to the rules so they dont get burned not much you can do about it really except forget it and get on with your life dont give them the satisfaction of letting them completely screw you over for i am sure some get a peverse satisfaction in bringing you down to there level Being held accountable might actually help them get better but do you really want to waste anymore of your precious time doing that forget them an move on if you can is the best way to be happy

[peiper]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

They are Monsters.So true what you have written here.It's so sick how they treat people and the damage in there trail of destruction...

Monsters is so spot on Mike. I love you so much I'm going to completely destroy you. Yeah that's love alright. I don't wish her anything but the karma she has coming.

Think of it from this perspective.  If they are such monsters, then why were we with them?  What does that say about us?

It means we didn't look behind the curtain and see the real wizard.

[Xidion]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

They are Monsters.So true what you have written here.It's so sick how they treat people and the damage in there trail of destruction...

Monsters is so spot on Mike. I love you so much I'm going to completely destroy you. Yeah that's love alright. I don't wish her anything but the karma she has coming.

Think of it from this perspective.  If they are such monsters, then why were we with them?  What does that say about us?

It means we didn't look behind the curtain and see the real wizard.

In my case, I focused more on words rather than actions. She told me at the end that I am smooth with my words. that was DEFINITELY projection.

[NYMike]

In no way shape or form do I agree that they shouldn't be held accountable. That is ludicrous. I'm guessing Charles Manson shouldn't be held accountable because he's mentally ill?  Give me a break !

I agree 10,000 %.

These people know exactly what they are doing.  They are chameleons, actors/actresses, highly skilled at manipulation and seeking out potential "hosts" if you will, just like viruses and fungi that invade the human body.

And, in the end, they don't care what happens to the other person who becomes involved.

They are Monsters.So true what you have written here.It's so sick how they treat people and the damage in there trail of destruction...

Monsters is so spot on Mike. I love you so much I'm going to completely destroy you. Yeah that's love alright. I don't wish her anything but the karma she has coming.

Think of it from this perspective.  If they are such monsters, then why were we with them?  What does that say about us?

In T this week we talked about this.What is it about NYMIKE that attracts sick woman that need RESCUING.We are looking at my pattern over the last 20 years and it seems to be the same ''attraction''.

Woman with drug issues,alcohol issues,been raped before age 10.They all have 2-4 divorces,broken children,shattered lives,many shattered ex's,mental and emotional issues and the list goes on and on.

What the heck was I doing there is the Great Question... !... .I am so mad at myself that I seem to be a controller a helper and a rescuer with no boundries.Alot of ways I became my mother who raised me and she was a rescuer,enabler,care taker to my sick father.

So your question is the ''key'' to the answers as I continue treatment for my own sickness of inviting the devil's in my home.

[parisian]

So your question is the ''key'' to the answers as I continue treatment for my own sickness of inviting the devil's in my home.

NYMike, great you have a T. They certainly will help work through the issues that result in our attraction to/involvement with people who aren't healthy or good for us. It will be a bit painful at times, but definitely worth the effort to identify. Once you work through that stuff, you can spot someone with a personality disorder from 100 miles. Apparently .

[NYMike]

So your question is the ''key'' to the answers as I continue treatment for my own sickness of inviting the devil's in my home.

NYMike, great you have a T. They certainly will help work through the issues that result in our attraction to/involvement with people who aren't healthy or good for us. It will be a bit painful at times, but definitely worth the effort to identify. Once you work through that stuff, you can spot someone with a personality disorder from 100 miles. Apparently .

Aww Thanks.I hope so.I am so tired of my ability to pick unhealthy woman in my life.It has caused me so much loss and pain for a lifetime.

I am sure a lot of it has to do with the way I was raised in that violent home with alcoholism all around me.

I get mad at myself because I must have a sign on me that says ''pick me I will take your abuse''.Or a sign that says ''pick me I am gullable and believe everything you tell me'' and then you can step all over me and discard me like I am trash.

So T is a good thing for myself.Patterns in my life have to be looked at and solved.

[downwhim]

Hard to look behind the curtain and see the real wizard when the wizard had a mask on. Mine was so charming, handsome, kind, attentive, everything a woman would want, UNTIL HE REALLY GOT YOU. Once he had you he showed up without the mask.

Love you/hate you. Raging/passionate. Sexy/distant. Trustworthy/Silent.

"I have loved you for 8 years, I love you now."

Ended the relationship within 24 hours of this quote. Poof, done, finite, he made this decision whether he is borderline or not. He made the decision to cheat whether he is borderline or not. He needs to be accountable and believe me he loves revenge. If he knew that I cry for him sometimes. He would laugh. Monster - devil you choose.

[guy4caligirl]

So your question is the ''key'' to the answers as I continue treatment for my own sickness of inviting the devil's in my home.

NYMike, great you have a T. They certainly will help work through the issues that result in our attraction to/involvement with people who aren't healthy or good for us. It will be a bit painful at times, but definitely worth the effort to identify. Once you work through that stuff, you can spot someone with a personality disorder from 100 miles. Apparently .

I agree with you  100 % Parisian I lived that experience this past Monday , I attracted a BPD again ,it took me 5 hours to see red flags all over , I ran as I could run .No way again ,she made my ex look like a saint BPD  

[parisian]

I am sure a lot of it has to do with the way I was raised in that violent home with alcoholism all around me.

I get mad at myself because I must have a sign on me that says ''pick me I will take your abuse''.Or a sign that says ''pick me I am gullable and believe everything you tell me'' and then you can step all over me and discard me like I am trash.

So T is a good thing for myself.Patterns in my life have to be looked at and solved.

It really is great. You will explore things like how a very difficult situation growing up (I'm really sorry to hear about your situation) sometimes means that we look for validation and love as adults, in whatever form we got (or rather didn't get), as children - we look (subconsciously) for partners who treat us the same way we were treated when we were young. Sometimes that means we attract people who won't treat us right because we weren't treated with love or care as children. Once you explore some of that, you will understand and learn how to love yourself, how to have good boundaries in future, and pwBPD won't bother looking at you either - they'll somehow know they won't be able to manipulate you so will give you a miss.

Please also look at the tools on this site. They are very worthwhile.

[downwhim]

Parisian,

My goal in the new year is to work on ME. I too had an alcoholic father. He had rages and fought with others and used my sisters and myself as his human punching bags. I know I too have "come abuse me" on my face and they all come a running. My ex saw in me need, vulnerability and someone who would stay and endure anything. I stayed way too long... .