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Author Topic: It's the holidays , time for forgiveness  (Read 3016 times)
guy4caligirl
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« on: December 22, 2014, 06:50:15 AM »

It's the holidays , time for forgiveness , why do hey still give us the silent treatment ?
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« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2014, 08:09:15 AM »

My heart goes out for you, but there is absolutely no point in what you're doing. Going places had some good thoughts.
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« Reply #2 on: December 22, 2014, 05:32:27 PM »

Why is it that she always respond after I say I want to let go now?

guy4caligirl,

You're being clingy. It's not attractive to her. The more you move toward her the further she backs away.  It's human nature - not BPD.  You have been phone "bombing" her for weeks.

Started texting her on Saturday, a few , a day , nice kind words like come back home,  etc.



Yes, you stopped for 12 days, but that had some push and pull in it when you said.  It made matters worse.

"I have not responded to you ever since you wished me to experience a broken heart, you were beyond ugly , and that is unacceptable to me"

You need to her more space.  I'm not saying that that will fix her.  But sending unanswered texts is making it worse.

"I'm m not mad now, I've moved on ,as should you, and no you never truly did love me, you simply want what you can't have.  I'm taking a nap.  I've  been sick hope all is well."

Try apologizing for being angry (very short) and ask her about her sickness.  If she doesn't respond, send a "I hope you get to feeling better soon" note and leave her alone for at least 6 weeks.

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« Reply #3 on: December 22, 2014, 05:55:58 PM »

Here is what you wrote in October.  It worked back then.  May not now with all the texting, so it may need a lot more space.

Hi  yes she is diagnose with BPD , she has been a little more talkative lately by email , she got sick with the flew for a week , she emailed me and said she was , I responded by hoping she gets better ,and she's been more in contact with me after she recovered I really don't why and what happened but I am glad she is , I don't know her motive but we shall see

As NonAverageJoe implies, do you/can you salvage this?  She is diagnosed with BPD. She's been out for quite a long time. The communications are strained.

If you hadn't of been clingy she'd have left you for not giving her enough attention and having your own life.

There is no chance at a healthy relationship with an unrecovered borderline.

See if you can get the current salvo on neutral ground and step back from this.  Give her space - 6 weeks to contact you.  If you don't hear back, drop her a "hows it going" going note and wait to see if she responds.

Not want you want to hear, I know.  This is really all the cards you have now.
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« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2014, 07:45:35 PM »

what if I want her back for another chance ?

What should I do ?

The point here is she will only want you when she needs you, think logically here k? if she wanted you that bad she would be all over you, you would be re-idealized but your not, so all shes doing is keeping you there when she needs something from you, trust me on this, she doesn't want YOU she wants what you can offer her, money, attention, a warm place to sleep, a body to cuddle up to.  The reason why shes like this is because she expects to be taken care of because no one was there to do so when she was growing up.  You arent her ex bf you are the emotionally distant father that she craves for, but sadly you cant be that, no one can.  I strongly suggest you understand this, because your only going to get hurt again and this next time even worse, there's a reason why some members on this forum have developed PTSD its because they mentally cant cope with the situation they are in.  You need to examine and assess yourself because the root of the attachment to BPDs will lie deep within you.  For example, if i saw my ex again and she gave me 1 red flag, could be as simple as a white lie, id drop her right there, you cant win with these people.  Lets be as critical as possible here, if a BPD cant have a loving relationship with her parents (the closest person to our inner self) then what makes you think they can have a loving relationship with us? really think about that.   
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« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2014, 08:50:52 PM »

This girl doesn't care about you at all! She responded with one word hours later!
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« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2014, 08:52:44 PM »

so all shes doing is keeping you there when she needs something from you, trust me on this, she doesn't want YOU she wants what you can offer her, money, attention, a warm place to sleep, a body to cuddle up to. 

This girl doesn't care about you at all! She responded with one word hours later!

She said she had moved on, right? She moved out months ago and she is only responding to guy4caligirl's texts, right?  She is not asking for anything.  Not everything the ex's do is wrong.  She is playing this part, straight up.

guy4caligirl, I suggest using he next 6 weeks to do the work.

  • Go to Staying and learning the tools. They will help you with any relationship you encounter in the future.


  • Work to decide if you want to be in a relationship with a person with BPD (diagnosed).  It's not a simple undertaking.
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« Reply #7 on: December 22, 2014, 09:18:22 PM »

what if I want her back for another chance ?

What should I do ?

Guy, if she does not want to be in a relationship with you right now, then there is nothing you can do about it.

We can't make another person do anything.

I know it hurts, and I know you want to be with her. But you're only going to push her away if you continue contacting her like this.

My advice. Do as Skip says.

It's win-win  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Agreed.
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« Reply #8 on: December 23, 2014, 07:39:44 AM »

If someone has told you that they have moved on and you refuse to believe them, is that considered denial?
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #9 on: December 23, 2014, 07:55:09 AM »

That is a painful truth 2010   
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« Reply #10 on: December 23, 2014, 08:02:34 AM »

So very true , they do think about us the same way we do after all they are human .Illness makes it foggy we should always remember that they can't help but act the way they act nothing against us , after all if they are not ill , I don't think they would have ran in the first place .

My thoughts !

Spot on, it's something I battle with on a regular basis. When gf makes a nasty comment, she will apologise a couple of hours later usually in tears and explaining that she didn't know where it came from, it was just a feeling she had with no warning or control. If I call her out on something, she is really upset because she isn't like that and that it's the illness.

Where I battle is that if you know something is causing you to do something involuntary, wouldn't you want to seek help in trying to stop it from happening? My gf default is to run and hide herself away for a few days because she would rather run away than work through the issue. She's tried to break it off a couple of times, stating that she is being unfair on me because her words don't match who I am. I'm still here but it is very frustrating. I just think that it's down to the illness but if things progress into next year, I want to work towards getting her better treatment because in my eyes, she deserves happiness and doesn't deserve the pain that comes with it. She knows that and wants to make an effort but wanting to and doing are very different things.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #11 on: December 23, 2014, 08:45:25 AM »

What is your definition of moving on? It seems obvious that if someone leaves the relationship, they have moved on.

In the case of a BPD ex moving on maybe and perhaps a way of convincing themselves they are ,but actually why are we always put on the back burner moving on is moving on , in every meaning of the word , but in our cases they physically moved on but they are still spinning , the pattern continues ... .

My thoughts Guy.
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« Reply #12 on: December 23, 2014, 02:23:50 PM »

You are trying to control the outcome and in the process you are disrespecting her boundaries.  I don't think your contact is about your concern for her.  I think it is more about soothing your pain, avoiding dealing with it all by yourself, and looking externally for value and worth.  And she can smell it a mile away.

I like Ripped Hearts post to you a couple of pages back on the thread about how he has altered his contact with his ex.  I also think some of patient and clear's posts might help you as well, since you are trying to navigate this while remaining in contact.  Like Skip said, you need to be more on the Staying board.

Also, I think our ex'es are more attracted to us when we are expressing genuine concern for them (like Ripped Heart suggests), while also exhibiting the trait of emotional self-reliance.  I think you are freaking your ex out b/c she senses that you neeeeeed her and may be more open to talking if you are presenting yourself like "I don't need you to soothe my pain, I am just checking in."  More casual, less threatening.

My two cents, which you may not like but oh well.

I have been where you are.

Jammo,

I think your words are falling on deaf ears with Guy.  He still wants contact with his ex.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #13 on: December 23, 2014, 04:21:03 PM »

I say it again and again every case is different it has it's own uniqueness and dynamic please  don't generalize it's not fair .

BPD or not they are also people  .
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« Reply #14 on: December 23, 2014, 04:30:02 PM »

I say it again and again every case is different it has it's own uniqueness and dynamic please  don't generalize it's not fair .

BPD or not they are also people  .

guy4caligirl, much of this thread is about you.  How do you feel about the comments directed to you?

  • You are trying to control the outcome and in the process you are disrespecting her boundaries.  I don't think your contact is about your concern for her.  I think it is more about soothing your pain, avoiding dealing with it all by yourself, and looking externally for value and worth. ~ rosannadanna




  • If someone has told you that they have moved on and you refuse to believe them, is that considered denial? ~ 2010




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« Reply #15 on: December 23, 2014, 04:53:36 PM »

I say it again and again every case is different it has it's own uniqueness and dynamic please  don't generalize it's not fair .

BPD or not they are also people  .

That's true Guy. They are people. And on some level, they are owed the same consideration that we would show to any other person. And part of that consideration is respecting it when someone asks you to be left alone. It is possible (even likely) that her feelings are going to change at any moment, but at this given time she's told you that she's not interested in a relationship. And until her feelings do change, you've got to respect that. Is there a chance that you're using her BPD as an excuse to ignore what she's telling you?

I agree with most of the people on here that suggest taking a step back. You've got to give it some time, and give both of you the space you need. I did a similar thing with my ex. I took a step back, put space between us so we could both heal, and studied up on the staying pages. We didn't get back into a romantic relationship, but we're probably as close to a stable relationship as is possible. Trying to force things is just going to hurt you, her, and your chances at something working in the future. If you are interested in getting back together with her, try and put yourself in her shoes. Would you be interested in pursuing a relationship with someone that didn't respect your requests for space?

Stay strong Guy. This is a tough spot to be in. I know, I've been there. It can get better, but you've got to make sure you're giving yourself time and taking the steps necessary to get to that place. Best luck to you.
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« Reply #16 on: December 23, 2014, 04:54:54 PM »

I say it again and again every case is different it has it's own uniqueness and dynamic please  don't generalize it's not fair .

BPD or not they are also people  .

guy4caligirl, much of this thread is about you.  How do you feel about the comments directed to you?

  • You are trying to control the outcome and in the process you are disrespecting her boundaries.  I don't think your contact is about your concern for her.  I think it is more about soothing your pain, avoiding dealing with it all by yourself, and looking externally for value and worth. ~ rosannadanna




  • If someone has told you that they have moved on and you refuse to believe them, is that considered denial? ~ 2010




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« Reply #17 on: December 23, 2014, 05:29:21 PM »

I say it again and again every case is different it has it's own uniqueness and dynamic please  don't generalize it's not fair .

BPD or not they are also people  .

guy4caligirl, much of this thread is about you.  How do you feel about the comments directed to you?

  • You are trying to control the outcome and in the process you are disrespecting her boundaries.  I don't think your contact is about your concern for her.  I think it is more about soothing your pain, avoiding dealing with it all by yourself, and looking externally for value and worth. ~ rosannadanna




  • If someone has told you that they have moved on and you refuse to believe them, is that considered denial? ~ 2010



Guy,

I'd like to share some advice.

I think what helps is to look at our true feelings without avoidance and distortion.

I am doing what you suggested to me to do Skip , I have listened to you all's comments thank you for your advise I really appreciated it . happy holidays !

I'm happy to hear your following Skip's advice.

My question and Skips.

How do you feel?
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« Reply #18 on: December 24, 2014, 07:54:48 AM »

Guy4cali

Do not chase!

Any chasing right now will only serve to validate that she treated you poorly and you want her anyway.  There's a good chance she checks on your social media stuff.  If you potentially want her back and for a chance it might work you need to heal fist of all and be able to detach from the outcome if things will work out with her or not.  To be in a position where you become pretty much a master communicator and understand the disorder and yourself throughly. Work on yourself and forgive her and yourself.  You see that is sort of the paradox if you want it to work out with her you need to focus on yourself but if you do it all for her then your not focusing ok yourself.
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« Reply #19 on: December 24, 2014, 09:42:58 AM »

I will listen to the board advice definitely specially going NC or LC and improve my communication skills of validating her thoughts and respect her boundaries

Hi guy,

I agree that each situation is different.  While working on yourself, have you had a chance to read the lessons on validating and improved communication? I think for questions about working on your relationship, it would be more beneficial for you to check out the staying board.     

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« Reply #20 on: December 24, 2014, 06:26:48 PM »

She just text me to wish me a merry Christmas a few minutes ago .
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« Reply #21 on: December 24, 2014, 06:45:42 PM »

I'd return in kind and not expand.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #22 on: December 24, 2014, 06:52:19 PM »

Thank you Skip I did... .that was it . Could you please elaborate on the six week , I don't understand it very well  ?
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« Reply #23 on: December 25, 2014, 09:02:44 AM »

I got a text last night from my ex wishing me a Merry Christmas, I replied same to you .

I know I shouldn't be banking on that but it was nice from her to think of me .

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« Reply #24 on: December 25, 2014, 09:09:40 AM »

I got a text last night from my ex wishing me a Merry Christmas, I replied same to you .

I know I shouldn't be banking on that but it was nice from her to think of me .

This is a good start.  How are you doing with what Skip suggested?
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« Reply #25 on: December 25, 2014, 09:16:16 AM »

Thanks for asking , I am doing good , Skip knows what he's talking about I cherish every advise he throws at me ,

I only , answer short and sweet .
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« Reply #26 on: December 25, 2014, 09:30:25 AM »

Thanks for asking , I am doing good , Skip knows what he's talking about I cherish every advise he throws at me ,

I only , answer short and sweet .

That is great.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  That is the way to do it. Keeping my texts to short responses and not discussing "upsetting" things, really worked for me. 
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« Reply #27 on: December 25, 2014, 09:59:16 AM »

Guy,

Just wanted to wrap up a couple of things from across your 2 posts.

It seems you got a positive result but as skip has mentioned don't go overkill. In terms of getting your rs back. Make yourself a list of what it is you miss and what it is you want. Ask yourself if your gf is able to provide those things.

The reason I say this, in my previous r/s I longed for the happy days where I gave love and it was reciprocated. The love my ex gave was so intense, it was like a drug, you craved it, wanted it and needed it. However, when I sat with Therapist, those moments could be counted on 1 hand and were usually followed by a month of pure hell. Was a few hours of being cared about worth the pain that followed? On top of which, that same love I discovered you can give to yourself anyway without the following torture.

In order to make a r/s work with pwBPD you have to forget everything that was there in the beginning. You have to want to make it work and by doing that, its not about getting them back so you can get them into treatment just so you get the person back you want. That's making them change to fit you, they are the ones who want to make the change on their own. You bring up the illness it could frighten them away, you try change them, it could frighten them away, you make a wrong comment, it could frighten them away. You have to get used to being shut out, ignored, having your ego diminished. Sadly, this isn't your girlfriend being nasty, its the illness and you learn to deal with it or you don't/can't. Its not a mark on you because out of all illnesses, its one of the most painful to experience when you are on our side.

Skips comment about 6 weeks, how committed are you? If this is someone you want in your life, creating space for you to grow and them too. It takes discipline and sometimes switching off yourself from what is going on especially when you are the one being avoided. The length of time gives both of you time to detatch and focus on your own priorities, which is YOU. If things are meant to be, they will be. It removes both of you from the push/pull dynamic and allows time to resync. Again, doesn't always mean things will be perfect but if you read the staying boards, it gives some idea of the resolve it takes to make a r/s with a pwBPD work.

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« Reply #28 on: December 27, 2014, 11:38:59 PM »

I think we all need to make the mistakes of recycling until we get it, and no longer can punish ourselves. I know I repeated my misery. So, I am not going to tell you to stop. Because I know that would not have worked on me. I needed to learn on my own.

And so Infern0 is right on. Right about how to do it, and right about why it will fail. No matter what. It is impossible to keep perfectly "pretending" in order to keep them. They will change the rules. You will fail. It may be something little, or big, it doesn't matter.

But back to the tips. The absolute quickest way to get her to start turning on the new guy and think of you, is for you to be gone gone. It's simple really. If you are around, you are that 3rd leg on the stool. You are feeding the triangle. So they can happily complain about you and what a loser you are, and it will bond them. Give them something to fight for.

Remove you, and they are left with only themselves. That's never good.

So, going complete no contact and really truly being gone, not allowing her a peep into your life, will serve to quicken their demise and bring her running back, to see if the door is still open for more life sucking.

I wouldn't do it. But I have done it. You too will eventually no longer want to do it. Until then, enjoy the silence.

I sent you a private message Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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« Reply #29 on: December 28, 2014, 09:38:14 AM »

I need an advice here please , her last text to me was on Christmas eve at 7 pm wishing me a merry Christmas , I replied same to you .

I sent  a few texts in the next day or two no response .

I am going NC for a while , should I text her and wish her the best and say , I am moving on too just like she mentioned a day before Christmas  , yes I want her back for one more chance ,

Would that help or not , should I send her a text stating I am moving on , I don't like playing games , when it comes to a relationship But it looks like I have to ,any final text suggestion before I go NC ?
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