Cheating

[peiper]

I'm curios does anyone have any idea of how a pwBPD can cheat so easily. Mine was having a physical affair a month after we were married if not earlier. My head still spins when I think about it.

[clydegriffith]

In my instance i believe the BPDx got a high out of screwing other people. Nobody was off limits. Not my friends, not guys that were married to her friends. Absolutley nobody. Since she didn't do any drugs or anything that was her addiction.

I've said this a million times and i'll say it again: If she would have fell in love with someone else and moved on while that hurt, it would have been understandable. What she was doing was whoring herself out to pretty much anyone that looked her way while i wasn't around with my kid in the next room. That is unforgvable.

[Rise]

I assume it's similar to how a person without BPD can cheat so easily. Because in a lot of ways, cheating is easier and provides immediate gratification; where-as remaining faithful, and working to get what you want out of a relationship requires time and effort.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

My ex thought nothing of it - it was a way to offer a transaction for something nice (her words, much later when the 'relationship' was crumbling away)

She claimed she wasn't a cheater, yet her two FWB ex's told me via e-mails (never met either one) that she had sex with many guys, and listed them, like a baseball team roster.  This after she told me her ex was simply obsessed with her and that it would pass. Yeah.  Not as long as she engaged him.

She's a high functioning alky, diagnosed bi-polar (tho she is misdiagnosed IMO - should be BPD) and hypersexual.

But "I am not a cheater... ." she'd assert.

[Infern0]

When she cheated on my replacement with me,  she did feel guilty for it afterwards,  but within a few days she was doing it again. No impulse control is part of the disorder,  if it seems like a good idea in the moment they will do it without weighing the repercussions of their actions.

As for the comment above with her saying her ex was obsessed,  I can belive it. But the thing is they actively compound the obsession with gaslighting and lies. They will contact their exes and tell them how unhappy they are with their new boyfriend and how they wish they could leave him and be with you because you made them happy and they wish things could be different.

Then they tell you that their ex is obsessed with them to keep you off balance

[HappyNihilist]

I assume it's similar to how a person without BPD can cheat so easily. Because in a lot of ways, cheating is easier and provides immediate gratification; where-as remaining faithful, and working to get what you want out of a relationship requires time and effort.

Very good point.

pwBPD do not bond with partners with the intent to grow, work, and learn. They are far too emotionally immature for that. The false bonds that they form are based on their emotional survival, nothing more or less. Everything is self-focused -- it is all about the pwBPD.

Also, it seems that a lot of pwBPD also view sex as transactional, rather than an authentic expression of intimacy, so there's a level of detachment there.

[fred6]

Also, it seems that a lot of pwBPD also view sex as transactional, rather than an authentic expression of intimacy, so there's a level of detachment there.

What do you mean by transactional? Like a way of paying for them getting their short term emotional needs met.

That kind of makes sense. My ex would always be detached during sex and when I brought it up she would always say, "sex means nothing to me", "I want to go the rest of my life without sex and it would be fine with me" and blame it on her sexually abusive first serious boyfriend from 25 years ago .

When she was breaking up with me she was telling me that she was working with her church councilor about her feelings of not liking sex because she knew that "men need sex". If she doesn't like sex, why in the world would she be worried about what "men" need? Obviously, "men" is plural and I am a "man", singular. So that's that!

[going places]

When I caught mine I asked what his plan was.

"Well, to have my cake and eat it too".

What the eff does that mean?

"I could have someone at home cooking and cleaning and raising the kids, and have someone on the side to have porn sex with".

There is not an 'emogee' above of someone puking to express how sick I felt when with a STRAIGHT face and empty soulless eyes, he looked me dead in the face and spoke those words... .

And he meant it.

This was not a ploy to hurt my feelings... .he meant it.

Cheating is for the lazy selfish dirtbag.

If you don't like your relationship or circumstances, either seek out counseling to fix it, or get out of it.

Don't find a replacement so your transition is a smooth one with little discomfort.

That is bull spit, and it hurts a lot A LOT of people. Especially kids.

Cheating is NOT a mistake.

Cheating reveals just how little character, integrity, honor and soul an individual has.

[BorisAcusio]

Also, it seems that a lot of pwBPD also view sex as transactional, rather than an authentic expression of intimacy, so there's a level of detachment there.

What do you mean by transactional? Like a way of paying for them getting their short term emotional needs met.

That means that a younger woman who is doing her best to avoid growing up, may look for an older man who will encourage her helplessness but not her feelings about helplessness. If that young woman has Borderline personality disorder, she may even prefer a large age gap between her partner to balance the neediness of *both people* and make what she has to offer more viable. Youth and sex become a personalized commodity in the evaluation of the partner’s “needs.”

These two things can be very appealing to an older Man, but they are dependent upon an exchange. These relationships are not about equality and growing old together - they are about fighting growing old, for both parties. Feelings come out of this.

... .

Borderlines use sex as a sacrificial offering of themselves. They do that in order to feel valued and they do that in order to secure an attachment. Being valued in this way makes them feel good about themselves because they cannot feel good on their own. Borderline personality is a part time self.

They are not whole, and they seek out others to feel good. They go by what the mirrored “other” values. If a Borderline can offer you sex in exchange for value- then they can assure an attachment. Whatever the value is that is decided, it’s done as though it’s a life or death situation in order to please. Some posters have called this “porn star sex.” It is fantasy based and unrealistic. It is also lacking in true intimacy.

Unfortunately, it’s also a self defeating prophecy. Since the act of offering themselves to elicit praise or value is fantasy driven, it is not a long term, realistic solution to their emptiness. This also makes them feel captive in bondage- feeling as though sex is required of them for security. They soon go on strike. Borderline personality disorder is a persecution complex. You are now a persecutor and Borderlines do not mate in captivity.

They do feel primitive rage because of this. You are now no different than their primary caregivers. This rage may be unseen by you, but it is felt very deeply by the Borderline. At this point, you are no longer rewarding, you are now punishing.

[downwhim]

"Cheating is for the lazy selfish dirtbag.

If you don't like your relationship or circumstances, either seek out counseling to fix it, or get out of it.

Don't find a replacement so your transition is a smooth one with little discomfort.

That is bull spit, and it hurts a lot A LOT of people. Especially kids.

Cheating is NOT a mistake.

Cheating reveals just how little character, integrity, honor and soul an individual has"

This is so very true, easy for these exBPD's to cheat and move on to someone else to avoid working on a relationship. They also cannot get too attached. It makes them anxious and afraid so better to go have an affair to fix it in their mind.

Mine started raging, silent treatment, lying, MIA etc... .while he was sleeping with my replacement. He could not handle being engaged and the thought of a wedding coming up. What the heck did he ask me then? Still can't figure that one out.

[Hadlee]

My BPD friend claimed that she had never cheated on her partners (she's only had 2).  What I've come to learn is that she emotionally cheated on her partner - I believe with me even though I am not gay, and God knows who else.  She mentioned one time that she had a 'crush' on her then bf's best mate, who is married.  She said that ended 'weird' it's funny cause I hadn't heard her talk about him for while - now I know why.

Both her and her recent exbf have said that she is a prude - she stopped sleeping with him 3 years ago due to her putting on a lot of weight.  She claims to get no enjoyment out of sex.

I have no doubt that she has had multiple emotional affairs, but when it comes to physical affairs... .I don't think she has.  She is very self conscious, hates her body, and always has it covered up.   

As I have recently discovered, she has created a fake Facebook profile (probably not her only one) and is pretending to be some gorgeous woman in order to talk to guys she meets online.  She also uses a fake profile to real guys in that she knows, who are actually in a relationship, but have no idea it is really her behind it.  Scary stuff.

Has anyone encountered anything like this?   

[BorisAcusio]

I always wondered how the "not so lucky ones" on the look department manage to get supply, validation and attention. There lies the answer.

Borderlines can have many relationships at the same time because they are fragmented personalities. These relationships can be lush and exotic or they can be cerebral and chaste. They can take and give back double time in fantasy and longing during separations from you- while being physically intimate with another person behind your back. In truth, Borderlines are like shapeshifters according to whom they reflect. This should not imply that someone deserves to be hurt- but those that are called into this have inventory to do. What it does bring to light is the "reflected" personalities and what they desire.

[peace28]

As Clydegriffith pointed out, it is a "high" for them.  I had a chance to ask my ask why she cheated on me.  She responded, "it felt like a high."  It is almost instinctual for these people.  They act without thought for others or for the consequences of their actions.   

[HappyNihilist]

I always wondered how the "not so lucky ones" on the look department manage to get supply, validation and attention. There lies the answer.

Borderlines can have many relationships at the same time because they are fragmented personalities. These relationships can be lush and exotic or they can be cerebral and chaste. They can take and give back double time in fantasy and longing during separations from you- while being physically intimate with another person behind your back. In truth, Borderlines are like shapeshifters according to whom they reflect. This should not imply that someone deserves to be hurt- but those that are called into this have inventory to do. What it does bring to light is the "reflected" personalities and what they desire.

People who are not conventionally attractive can still be incredibly sexually appealing. They can still love sex, be really great at sex, and ooze sexuality. The pwBPD's "lush and exotic" versus "cerebral and chaste" has nothing to do with the attractiveness of the pwBPD and everything to do with the needs and ideas of reference that the partner is projecting.

[Blimblam]

Yeah as Boris brought up in 2010 quotes it's the fragmented personality.  First of all they have such deep seated trust issues so they don't want to loose potential backups. Then once they begin to split us we become their their vulnerable child they are ashamed of and punish through cheating while at the same time receiving validation and a rush from cheating.  They persecute themselves through us then associate all that pain as us and then run away from themselves by running away from us.  

Projective identification

www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Projective_identification

[Infern0]

My BPD friend claimed that she had never cheated on her partners (she's only had 2).  What I've come to learn is that she emotionally cheated on her partner - I believe with me even though I am not gay, and God knows who else.  She mentioned one time that she had a 'crush' on her then bf's best mate, who is married.  She said that ended 'weird' it's funny cause I hadn't heard her talk about him for while - now I know why.

Both her and her recent exbf have said that she is a prude - she stopped sleeping with him 3 years ago due to her putting on a lot of weight.  She claims to get no enjoyment out of sex.

I have no doubt that she has had multiple emotional affairs, but when it comes to physical affairs... .I don't think she has.  She is very self conscious, hates her body, and always has it covered up.   

As I have recently discovered, she has created a fake Facebook profile (probably not her only one) and is pretending to be some gorgeous woman in order to talk to guys she meets online.  She also uses a fake profile to real guys in that she knows, who are actually in a relationship, but have no idea it is really her behind it.  Scary stuff.

Has anyone encountered anything like this?   

If I can give some insight into this,  my ex was highly sexual with me,  however when she replaced me with a guy she wasn't actually attracted to she started to deprive him of sex after the first 3 weeks. Saying she was unwell and not interested in sex. A few months later when she was "hanging out" with me,  we were talking about some of the sexcapades we used to get up to and within 5 minutes we were at it. And over the next couple of weeks we were all over each other behind this poor dudes back.

You can't belive everything you hear from them they are full of ___.

[Hadlee]

WoW!  Yeah you are right about one thing... .they are full of sh!t!

What about the fact she is self conscious about her body and always covers it up.  Heaven forbid if she flashed some cleavage   Would she change that thinking in the heat of the moment?

[Infern0]

WoW!  Yeah you are right about one thing... .they are full of sh!t!

What about the fact she is self conscious about her body and always covers it up.  Heaven forbid if she flashed some cleavage   Would she change that thinking in the heat of the moment?

No impulse control,  so yes she might be self concious (mine was,  annorexic) but their brains can actually override that (along with any sense of right and wrong) in an instant.

No word of a lie I could probably text my ex now and tell her to come over and ___ and she'd likely tell bilbo baggins she was going shopping and be straight round

[Hadlee]

Damn, what an awful existence!

Well, maybe her exbf is onto something as he has been accusing her of sleeping with two of her shiny new toys (guys).  I didn't believe it as I'm sure she is using those guys to get at her ex with all talk.  They certainly don't seem like the kind of guys that would 'go there' with her.  One of them has a girlfriend.  Interesting though... .the guy with the girlfriend left our workplace a month ago for another job.  Maybe he hightailed it out of there

I also find it odd that she would be blabbing to whoever listens in the workplace about her exbf's accusations, especially given the fact the guys also work there.  Observing her body language says she's lying.  The story also changes as well.  At first it was only one guy she supposedly slept with now she says it's both guys.  It's probably fantasy in her head.  Maybe I'm wrong.

It was also pretty clear that she had an attraction/feelings for me, however never made a move, well not directly.

[bewildered2]

there are lots of reasons for their cheating.

revenge is one of them. control is another. a quick high too... .

put it all together... .let's say you do something to trigger him/her... .maybe you were talking to someone and he/she didn't like it... .next thing you know he/she is retaliating by cheating... .to hurt you, to make themselves feel better/good... .and to have a sense of control... .of themselves... .of you... .of the new object of desire... .throw in some alcohol and/or cocaine and the impulse control goes out the window.

then comes all the lies and denials... .

crazy!

who needs it?

b2

[fred6]

there are lots of reasons for their cheating.

revenge is one of them. control is another. a quick high too... .

put it all together... .let's say you do something to trigger him/her... .maybe you were talking to someone and he/she didn't like it... .next thing you know he/she is retaliating by cheating... .to hurt you, to make themselves feel better/good... .and to have a sense of control... .of themselves... .of you... .of the new object of desire... .throw in some alcohol and/or cocaine and the impulse control goes out the window.

then comes all the lies and denials... .

crazy!

who needs it?

b2

I'd like to add, I don't think that you necessarily need to be the thing that triggers them. My ex quit her job, quit her meds, split from her long time friends, split from her 17yo son and kicked him out, cheated on me and lied about it, broke up with me, kicked me out, and treated me like trash in a 2-3 month period. I have a feeling that my ex's job and quitting her meds is what triggered her. And every subsequent event just kept the snowball rolling until I was the only thing left to devalue and discard.