Thanks everyone for the responses. I wanted to give an update. I've been journaling a lot. As well as just writing in general (poetry, free form, and short stories). It's helped tremendously. But what has helped the most so far is the breakthrough that occurred during therapy yesterday. I was finally able to pinpoint why a couple of ways she described me when she left had been eating away at me. In addition, the same reason is also what resulted in my staying in the abusive relationship as long as I did.
The reason? My alcoholic and narcissistic grandfather. He abused my grandmother both physically and emotionally. He did the same to my father and his siblings. And while he never physically abused me, I can remember the emotional abuse as from very early on. I learned how to "keep the peace," so to speak, from watching my dad. I watched my dad and his siblings try repeatedly to please him in order to gain his affection, to no avail. I remember trying to do the same as a kid. Grades. Sports. Going over to his house for "workdays" in which I received contributions to my college fund. This was his way of asserting his control over me. Everything I did I hoped it would please him. Occasionally I would receive a pat on the back or an "attaboy" but there was always something else about me that was wrong. That I needed to fix. This is where I learned to bend over backwards to please others rather than myself. And as a result of all of this, I grew up in an alcoholic household despite neither one of my parents being alcoholics.
It was far easier and safer to deal with the abuse to protect my parents as to not cause a scene or set him off than to stand up for myself. This way of handling things was reinforced for years and that's why I naturally tolerated the same kind of behaviors from my ex ClusterB. I felt the same things toward my ex ClusterB as I did my grandfather. The incessant desire to please her. The ever-present fear of disappointing her or letting her down. The overbearing obligation to help and provide for her because she was my wife and therefore the most important member of my family. But just like my grandfather, nothing was enough for her. We were 26 year old home owners. We each had (still have) successful careers. Very little debt. We had a dream wedding, albeit her dream. An amazing honeymoon. We traveled the country and gone overseas together. We were loved by our friends and family (still are). We were making preparations for kids and the next new house. We seemingly had everything you could hope and ask for. But it wasn't enough. So she left.
And when she left, she described me as uncompromising, uptight, and as viewing the world in black and white. And while I understood that this was just an extension of her disorder and more about her, I couldn't believe what I logically knew as true. I couldn't believe it because I was conditioned to believe her word as impeccable truth. The years of gaslighting conditioned me to question every judgement or gut reaction I have. I questioned my own reality to the point of always wishing that I had cameras in the house to prove that her recollection of things was not how things actually happened. I learned to put her feelings and thoughts first. They became canon in my life. Infallible. Unquestionable. Because she could not be wrong. She could not have her emotions questioned. The disappointment and rage she would show when I didn't please was crushing. The reason her words penetrated so deeply into my core is that she was describing my grandfather. I couldn't bare to be viewed and compared to him by the person I loved and cared for most. The thought of her being right about me has plagued me ever since she wrote the e-mail in which she blamed me for her leaving.
Delving into my own past scared me on multiple levels. Up until this point, I wouldn't really let the conversation drift away from all of the crazy behavior I witness for 6 years. It was almost as if I was building a case and that I needed to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that yes, my ex
is a nice little cocktail of BPD, NPD, and a slice of HPD. I couldn't just see these behaviors as crazy and leave it at that. These behaviors, after all, were very familiar to me. I grew up and had learned how to navigate abuse from a very early age. I was a perfect match for my ex clusterB for all of the wrong reasons. And that was a scary thought.
First, it made me realize that I do have issues of my own. And with that came questions of blame. Could it be my fault after all? Could she have actually been right about me? That crippling yet all to familiar fear overwhelmed me in my chair while discussing this with my therapist. The answer is of course no but it was remarkable that even the notion that I could actually be to blame for her leaving could conjure those same feelings of fear and guilt that I associate only with my grandfather and my exClusterB. But I realized that had it not been for my intense desires to please and caretake, my r/s with my ex wouldn't have lasted past the idealization phase. Or who knows, I may not have gotten involved with her at all. With all of this said, the scariest realization of all was that I married my grandfather. I married the biggest tormentor I've ever had in my life.
But so begins a new chapter. I need to continue to heal. I need to continue to pursue the things that redefine my individual identity. I need to remain NC and work on myself. I need to rebuild my self esteem. But most importantly, I need to learn to kick all of these unhealthy survival habits I learned as a kid so that I don't end up in a situation like this ever again.
Lastly, thank you to all who have commented and read this post and any others. This site has provided so much of the validation that I have been sorely lacking over the last 6 years. In addition to posting on this site, my biggest advice to anyone here is to find a good therapist. And go. Take it seriously. Figure out what drove you to be with someone like this and work on yourself. It has helped me tremendously. Thanks to all and Happy Holidays y'all!
P.S. - I just remembered this. My ex ClusterB also commented on how she got along so well with my grandfather. She even said things like, "I think he really likes me." or "I seem to really get along with him." Yes, that same grandfather that my entire family fears and walks on egg shells around. That same grandfather that was both physically and emotionally abusive to those that loved him most. That should have been my biggest red flag of them all.
