Texting and social media

[Randi Kreger]

What lessons have you learned about dealing with you high conflict personality (NPD/BPD) partner when it comes to texting, cell phones, and social media? For example, have you had an argument via text because your partner didn't get the context of something you said and misunderstood it? But don't stop there. Just what in general have you learned to do or not to do or learned more about the way things go smoothly--or not.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Texting seems to be my pwBPD's favorite method of communication.  He tells me that he gets "upset" when he hears my voice  (He is currently living across the country from me).  I think he especially likes to text when he is dysregulating because, he can have time to consider my responses and think what to text.  

We have had a few arguments when we talk about feelings/emotions or difficult subjects via text.  When he perceives the context of the text as threatening, he becomes defensive and usually starts projecting.  Many times my texts are innocuous but, he thinks it is an "attack" on him.  It is easier for him to rage at me via text.  

I have learned if I am going to talk about difficult things, I now actually text, "I am not saying this to hurt your feelings... .I wanted to let you know that because it is hard to discern texts."  Also I learned when he is highly emotional, I should not text anything talking about feelings/emotions/behavior.  I tend to keep it to "light" conversation. 

[Skip]

My general policy is:

social media: no communication

email: Non-personal matter

txt: logistics only

Use the phone.

[bobcat2014]

Hello Randi... .fan of your work.

Texting is my uBPDw prefered method. This way she can read, reread and find more hidden meanings in the message. Also she can save it and spew it back at me at a later time.

Social media is another spot. I cannot have a FB but she can. She cannot trust people that might friend me. Its ok for her to have 900+ friends that include prior boyfriends,etc.

Great topic!

[Siamese Rescue]

My general policy is:

social media: no communication

email: Non-personal matter

txt: logistics only

Use the phone.

Brilliant. I am a frustrated writer and tend to run on forever. When in a relationship with a narc or BPD, you never know when they will turn on you and you must be prepared for your text messages to be used against you. 

I agree, use the phone.  However, my ex-boyfriend actually recorded his ex-girlfriend during one of their heated discussions. I never forgot that and was very careful afterward…. Ugh.

[Hawk Ridge]

During the initial phase, she texted, called, face timed every day... .all the time.  She is an acting in high functioning waif. Over time, she reduced the contact. Over the last several months, while accusing me of communicating too much, she took control of the contact. Since we lived at a distance from one another, only seeing each other on weekends, she didn't want to use the phone anymore, allowing me to only send her a short text in the am's.  I don't miss that craziness.

[Ripped Heart]

Pretty much like a number of people here.

Social media, she is on FB all the time, even when there is nothing, it's a constant scroll through what everybody is doing. I don't really use FB all that much because the people I want to talk to are on the other end of a phone.

Phone - She would call me all the time when in a good mood and switch to texts when she isn't. Had that same discussion by text tonight about calling but she said she couldn't, because it would hurt her right now to hear my voice. My argument is the exact opposite, you can only really apply your own tone to a text, far better to talk in person than type to avoid misunderstanding.

There have been moments when she has been upset or angry because I haven't responded back fast enough. Mainly because I've been stuck in a meeting.

Skype was a no go. Worked fine for a while but she would call at random times and if I didn't answer fast enough she would get upset. In the end I asked her to maybe send a text or call me on the phone first to give me time to switch my laptop on because if I know she is calling I can be ready. This was taken entirely the wrong way and so killed any future skype conversations.

My preferred method to all of these is in person, especially when you have something important to say.

Previous N/BPDw very different story. Her preferred method of communication was email. In a 6 month span, I had 8,000 emails to my personal address and 25,000 to my work address. If I didn't respond in 30 mins of her sending an email, that's when I bore the brunt of rage.

If I was working away, the phone became the next mode of communication. She would time how long it took me to get from work back to the house and would call in that specified amount of time. Would have to email when I was leaving the office There was hell to pay if I didn't answer in time as she wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. She always made sure it was the landline she called so she knew for definite where I was.

Likewise, despite the time zone, the evenings were always finished on skype. I would have to log on to skype and leave it on when she went to sleep. That was another way of making sure I was at home and nothing untoward was going on. She said it was because she couldn't sleep if I wasn't there with her.

Despite that strict regime where she knew where I was for every second of the day, I still got accused of having affairs. Don't miss those crazy days for one minute.

[HoldingAHurricane]

After having a think about it, I came up with a few things:

- I use emoticons to give extra context to any written communication between us. He has difficulty reading social cues generally and giving context helps him interpret and not jump to negative conclusions

- if I haven't responded to texts in a while I usually remind him I'm busy at work in my return text. Mostly, these days, he worries something terrible has happened rather than becoming offended because he thinks I'm ignoring him (yay for lots of therapy!)

- I have an app on my phone which I can switch on to send his calls to voicemail and block his texts when he is dysregulated and I don't like his tone. It's really helped reduce the damage to myself and stopped me from engaging.

- I have set a clear boundary for the type of communication I will participate in, electronic and otherwise, and if he gets obnoxious, rude, abusive, or aggressive I let him know and if he continues I switch on my app

- There are some emails or texts I never respond to in text or email because they are too complex or not appropriate for abbreviated electronic conversations - ones where he wants me to make a decision about something, ones where he is asking to spend money on something, ones where he is trying to get me to take responsibility for his choices (I'm really sick at work, I think I should come home. What do you think?), and ones where he wants me to look at a product/gadget that caught his eye (he isn't serious about buying these things, he just thinks they are 'cool'. I get numerous ones every week and I just don't have time.). We have talked about all these scenarios and I say they are important to talk about f2f but he forgets or gets impatient so I just ignore them.

Lastly, my experience says his online activity is a temperature gauge to his mental state. If he is escaping into the cyber world a lot he becomes secretive and lies. Typically, he is also on edge, defensive, and agitated because he is dysregulating, obsessing over cyber things, lying (which ironically he hates doing), and is generally not coping with the real world. So, increasing use of social media, time on his phone texting, time on his computer, etc is not a good sign. Usually, I bring it up a few times and if I get no joy I ask him to schedule time with his therapist before things get to crisis point. 

[vortex of confusion]

We don't text much at all. Texting is for grocery list kind of stuff.

I unfriended my husband on FB because he took things I posted too personally. Plus, it felt like he would watch for me to come online so he could chat with me or call me. The minute he saw me come online, he would call and say, "I saw you were up." It felt like he was keeping tabs on me so I decided to unfriend him all together.

Email seems to be his preferred method. I have to be very careful when emailing, messaging, or anything electronic because he misinterprets my tone or thinks I am being argumentative when I am not.

My husband tends to be very clingy and it feels like he wants to be in constant contact. I have had to work really hard to set boundaries regarding using all of the different modes of communication. I prefer to talk in person or via phone so that there isn't as much room for misinterpretation.

[enlighten me]

With my ex there were a lot of things that I noticed with comunications.

Email... .She didnt like to communicate with email once the initial phase was over. I believe she was scared to give too much away as you feel obliged to write more. Either that or she couldnt be bothered.

Text... .Her preffered method of comunicating. By keeping it short it is harder to give away too much. Also less chance of misinterpriting.

Something I found interesting with mine was her texts in the idolisation phase had bad spelling, poor grammar and bad puntuation. When painted black it was perfect. No mistakes at all and very buisness like.

Facebook... .the scurge of relationships. So much goes on here.

The amount of posts/ new friends seems to relate to how lonely they are feeling. There also seems to be an alternate life that goes on here. Where a lot potray themselves as available for the attention. Also interesting is how few pictures of partners my ex posted. It is also a way of keeeping tabs on you.I think that facebook behaviour could fill a chapter easily in a BPD book.

[Haye]

Our situation seems a bit different. My SO is the quiet bordeline type (RTS, DID, anxieties in the mix), almost all the anger is towards himself so we don't argue that much.

When i'm away for the day (school, work) I send him some "how's your day", "Miss you" or such. Sometimes he sends something like those to me. So texting is used as a method of checkin his condition and for reassurance. If we are apart for longer than a day or two texting is really important as he falls on that object constancy thing rather soon. Me texting helps. I don't think we have ever argued via texting.

Social media is used as well. When we are together mostly just to share a link of something useful or fun.

FB and emails have been used to clear things when there has been breakup and we've been apart. No fighting in those either, more just going through things and i suppose me telling how badly i felt or some such (this was before we knew what all was wrong with him). I'd say it has been mostly beneficial to either one (or both), many of the things i've said to him face-to-face he doesn't remember. Reading my thoughts have had more of an impact and has helped him to take my side of the situation better into account.

What has been a problem is that when he is in a period of withdrawing from me (or pushing us apart) the amount he uses texting and FB with his exes rises significantly. Earlier this usually resulted in a breakup as he fell in love again (or thought he did). He is working hard on not to repeat his earlier habits when a push part of the cycle happens and so far he has been able to.

Neither one likes talking over the phone, we don't do it often and usually then it's simple stuff like making sure there's enough milk in the fridge or some such. I remeber when we were in a breakup for.the.last.time he had sent me a text asking if i could call him when i have time. I suspected that he must be in a very very bad condition and yes, he was seriously suicidal and needed professional help.

[parisian]

I guess communication styles are dependent on the individual. Mine would text 10 times a day at least. Plus email me at work. With some responses I could have just said (literally) blah blah blah and I'm sure she wouldn't have noticed. Sometimes I would get texts commenting about a tv show that she was watching (and I wasn't). Right at the start of the r/s she said she hates talking on the phone. So we hardly ever rang each other unless it was to very quickly confirm logistical arrangements.

I think one of the key points here though is that pwBPD are very frequent communicators - way more so than normal, healthy relationships and that was something I noticed very early on in my r/s. It stems out a desire to avoid feelings of abandonment.

[Cole]

I think one of the key points here though is that pwBPD are very frequent communicators - way more so than normal, healthy relationships and that was something I noticed very early on in my r/s. It stems out a desire to avoid feelings of abandonment.

Good point. My BPDw will text and email me up to 20 times a day when she is in one of those phases. She is constantly on FB and texting people she went to high school with about things that happened in high school. To me it is rather pathetic reliving high school when you are in your late 40's, but it what she and her friends (people she has not seen in 25 years but found on FB) do.

I set a new boundary earlier this year: When we go out her phone stays home. I am not paying a sitter and going out to eat so she can spend half the night texting with someone else. She actually agreed with me on this one.       

[parisian]

I set a new boundary earlier this year: When we go out her phone stays home. I am not paying a sitter and going out to eat so she can spend half the night texting with someone else. She actually agreed with me on this one.

Cole, mine was bestest friends with a gf from high school (nothing wrong with that, some of us still have hs friends) but also bestest friends with her ex bf from hs. She had semi-relationships at some point with both of them. They are obviously painted white. She said if she wasn't gay, she would still be with her ex bf. I had to silently at that and think not likely.

There is no way I could have set a boundary like that, but every second, and I mean second that she had to wait for anything, she was constantly on her phone. Waiting for a bus, waiting for an order to be taken at a restaurant, waiting for a taxi. Every every second it was fb... .just shows extreme anxiety in missing something. Good for you on setting that boundary though.

[Cole]

There is no way I could have set a boundary like that, but every second, and I mean second that she had to wait for anything, she was constantly on her phone. Waiting for a bus, waiting for an order to be taken at a restaurant, waiting for a taxi. Every every second it was fb... .just shows extreme anxiety in missing something. Good for you on setting that boundary though.

One of the first traits DSM-V identifies for BPD is fear of abandonment. Social media and cell phones are like crack  cocaine to the pwBPD; they fear someone will be mad they did not answer right away and unfriend them. They crave the attention they get from having 100's of "friends".  

She agreed to the cell phone boundary, but we have not always agreed on social media. A year or so ago it got so bad she was on FB every day after work and all weekend. I am talking from the minute she got home or got up to bed time and right back on it the next day. Once, I took the kids and left for the day to go hiking. It took her 4 hours to realize we were gone. That was a wake-up call and she does try really hard to stay off FB and be more engaged with us now.

Sorry, but I think social media is a social ill.

FB = damaged marriage.

FB + BPD = ruined marriage.      

[parisian]

One of the first traits DSM-V identifies for BPD is fear of abandonment. Social media and cell phones are like crack  cocaine to the pwBPD; they fear someone will be mad they did not answer right away and unfriend them. They crave the attention they get from having 100's of "friends".  

   

Mm they also unfortunately use it for potential hook-ups and in some instances, for ongoing triangulation. If you don't know who all these 'friends' are, it can often be happening right under your nose. Case in point - mine had hundreds of 'friends' also on fb. Including girls she had one night stands with, and would regularly engage in fb banter with 'friends' that I didn't know who they were or what the true nature of their 'relationship' really was.

[bobcat2014]

It is heartbreaking to read the aftermath of FB and BPD. 

[flowerpath]

Email:  We don’t discuss personal issues through email.

Text messages:  It helps to be concise, no matter what the topic is.  Our text communication isn’t usually about personal issues.  If he brings up a topic that really needs to be discussed in person, I call him back instead or wait until I see him to discuss it.  He doesn’t get bent out of shape if I don’t respond right away, which is a good thing.

Social media:  We aren’t Facebook friends.  We’ve never even discussed it, so I guess it’s an unspoken understanding.  He sent a message to my inbox – a photo of something – and I asked him to send things like that to my email address instead of through Facebook.  Twice since then he has sent something to my inbox on Facebook, one of those times being today.  I’m sticking with my boundary.   I didn’t open the last one and I haven’t opened the one that he sent today.  If this were a normal relationship, communicating on Facebook would be an entirely different scenario.  I know that his comments would wreak havoc on my Facebook page and basically embarrass me.  He’s already offended several of his friends and family – and unfriended them because of their responses to what he's said – and I don’t want to open the door to it potentially becoming a battleground between us.  That would take all of the fun out of Facebook.   

[formflier]

 

I'm not a facebooker... so that is easy.  No social media for me.

Email... .very rare I use it.  No attempt to express feelings.  The past was disastrous when I tried to do this... .so this is a positive change.

Text:  Used to engage in text bombing and debates... .my life is much better after I quit doing that.

Now... .text is just grocery and logistics.

[Randi Kreger]

Would anyone mind if I took these suggestions and made a blog of it? I will link back to the board (hopefully people will be able to see it without being a member).

[Randi Kreger]

My general policy is:social media: no communicationemail: Non-personal mattertxt: logistics onlyUse the phone.

Can you talk a little more about how you developed these guidelines and the thoughts behind them? Are you talking about during the relationship or after?

[formflier]

 

Might also be interesting to learn how people changed texting, emailing and social media... .after they learned about BPD.

That was where the big change came from me.

Never really occurred to me to use a boundary and not communicate back... .seems silly now... .but there were so many things I had to learn... and then implement.

[Roxy_mom]

My swBPD traits thinks everything I post on facebook is about him so I have gotten rid of facebook all together.  I got tired of explaining who I was taking about even it it was just a simple picture or quote I liked

My biggest area of concern is twitter.  He is on constantly as that seems to be the new social media of choice in his school.  Where he doesn't like me posting a thing on facebook he has no problem blasting me and how much he hates me all over twitter.  I don't think a day goes by that he doesn't post some hateful mean post about me. 

I refuse to text him because he does the same as mentioned above. Looks for all the hidden meanings I could have meant.  I keep them short and try to answer in one word or so.  I try to actually call him if I have something important to talk to him about

[flowerpath]

Even though we aren't connected on FB, I never post anything negative about him there.  It's a small world, people know people, and people talk.  He may make my life difficult at times, but I wouldn't want to give people who know nothing of the BPD behaviors a bad impression of him and inadvertently limit his opportunity for something like a promotion or a new job.  That would affect not only him, but our family as a whole.

[behindme]

In October of last year (2013) my husband got an email sent to his work account from a person purporting to be an employee at a hospital where I'd worked and alleged we'd had an affair. There were some personal details but it was so ludicrous we discounted it as a "coincidenal" mixup in names obviously meant for someone else. However, two days later I got contacted on a social media site from someone with a similar name wanting to friend me.  I then reread the email and was startled at all the alarming personal facts that were entirely too coincidental- so much so that I contacted the police about potential stalking but since there were no threats there was nothing that could be done.

When telling a neighbor, then a therapist I was seeing due to my son's relatiionship issue with my uBPD DIL from whom my son was considering separating, it was suggested it could be her - a possibility confirmed upon reading "The Gift of Fear".  This was further supported two months later when my son, who had by then decided upon divorce, was informed his firm had gotten an anonymous email that contained accusations against him that were unfounded.  They also suspected his ex.  

My son preserved in serving a subpoena to the Internet providers which ultimately led to determining the path to her... .not surprisingly.  In all honesty, despite knowing she suffers from this disorder, I feel terribly sad for her for resorting to such measures- and knowing my grandson remains in her custodial care fifty percent of the time.  I truly hope she gets the help she needs to deal more effectively with her hurt, past and anger.  Was being discovered in this manner enough of a wake up call? I can't say but in effect it "outed" her behavior without any immediate consequences so it's hard to say - that alone didn't prove she's an unfit mother, just one not using sound judgment and many people going through divorce don't act rationally. Unfortunately, BPD adds another complicated often misunderstood layer.

I'm curious if with these questions you've been asking, Randi, if perhaps you're compiling a new book. If so, it could be highly beneficial.  As a health care provider, I see there's still so much about this PD that still needs greater public understanding in general and certainly for those of us who have directly been impacted by it in our lives.

[Randi Kreger]

Hello Randi... .fan of your work.Texting is my uBPDw prefered method. This way she can read, reread and find more hidden meanings in the message. Also she can save it and spew it back at me at a later time.Social media is another spot. I cannot have a FB but she can. She cannot trust people that might friend me. Its ok for her to have 900+ friends that include prior boyfriends,etc.Great topic!

How do you feeling about choosing to wait for her to grant your permission before doing something?

[Zen80]

When in a rage or generally unhappy with something my BPDw will sometimes text bomb for ages - firing them in so fast it's difficult to reply and keep up. We might even be in the same place/house (but different rooms) when this occurs. It's about the only time she will make spelling and grammar mistakes on a text message. I find it quite difficult to reply to all the various allegations in the texts and you have to be careful what you reply with because they are going to be critically analysed at some time and judged for their consistency, intent, hidden meanings etc. It's extremely rare to get a "nice" test message from her saying have a nice day or anything. 

It's a bit the same with emails - I am expected to write at least one email per day but rarely get a response (unless she wants something), but last week in a rage she sent me replies to all my emails from the previous weeks pointing out all the problems in each of them and how pathetic they all were. We were both in the same house at the time. I usually don't respond to this sort of thing.

I have a Facebook account but don't really use it very much, my wife claims not to have facebook yet seems to get a few emails from Facebook, so either it's from her old account (which she closed after not using) or she has set up another account and is being secretive about it. To be honest I really don't care if she has an account or not. 

One thing I will say is that smartphone and tablet have changed the nature of her behaviour quite a bit. She is always on her phone or ipad, reading the news, finding  articles to support her arguments about things or even just working. So the long durations in bed she might spend during an episode have become a lot more entertaining for her. She is obsessed by the news I think, but hates reading about other "happy families".