Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
September 18, 2021, 11:42:40 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: She just texted me on my 30th day of no contact.  (Read 1024 times)
Xidion
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 295


« on: December 29, 2014, 01:47:43 PM »

30 days ago,  I told her that she needs to research BPD,  because I'm pretty sure she has it. There has been no contact at all since. I just gotta text from her that says,  "Why do you think I have BPD?". Ugh,  what do I do?
Logged

Targeted
Formerly CaresAboutSomeoneLikeThis
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 445



« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2014, 02:02:56 PM »

Are you thinking about responding to her and telling why you think that?
Logged
Xidion
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 295


« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2014, 02:05:19 PM »

Are you thinking about responding to her and telling why you think that?

I am thinking about it, but I don't know if I should.  Just seeing that she texted me made me feel shaky and uneasy. Is she using it as an excuse to contact me, or could this be an opportunity to explain her actions that relate to BPD to open her eyes to it?
Logged

MrConfusedWithItAll
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 320


« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2014, 02:12:49 PM »

It is rattling this sort of thing. Personally I would not respond - but this depends on your feelings and if you still have some hope of getting back together.  She can look up the condition and decide whether or not it applies.  Beware of the Bait and Dump. 
Logged
cehlers55
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 2.5 years
Posts: 59



« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2014, 02:13:55 PM »

I could be wrong but i think you should tell her why you said what you said. You've made a claim and need to back it up if she asks why. If you choose not to i totally understand. My wife's (who i'm divorcing) counselor wants me to come in and talk more about why i'm leaving. She can't see it and understand why I'm leaving. I agreed that i'll come in and talk more if she wants me to come in. We separated 5-6 weeks ago. But I get where you're at. It's tough telling someone that they have a major issue.
Logged
Xidion
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 295


« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2014, 02:15:12 PM »

It is rattling this sort of thing. Personally I would not respond - but this depends on your feelings and if you still have some hope of getting back together.  She can look up the condition and decide whether or not it applies.  Beware of the Bait and Dump. 

I haven't yet... .I'm still undecided.  It's shocking to hear from her after she told me that my replacement is an upgrade and never to contact her again.
Logged

Joshuaua

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 43


« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2014, 02:25:03 PM »

It is rattling this sort of thing. Personally I would not respond - but this depends on your feelings and if you still have some hope of getting back together.  She can look up the condition and decide whether or not it applies.  Beware of the Bait and Dump. 

I haven't yet... .I'm still undecided.  It's shocking to hear from her after she told me that my replacement is an upgrade and never to contact her again.

i think it's worth bringing to her attention in a really calm way, careful not to set off those triggers that you now know of. It's a rare chance where she's acknowledging that she may have been wrong. Don't get personal, don't bring up things that aren't relevant to helping her. And if she turns on you again, quickly let her know how her reaction is typical BPD and then leave again before she gets the chance go hurt you again. STAY DETACHED
Logged
MrConfusedWithItAll
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 320


« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2014, 02:48:42 PM »

It is rattling this sort of thing. Personally I would not respond - but this depends on your feelings and if you still have some hope of getting back together.  She can look up the condition and decide whether or not it applies.  Beware of the Bait and Dump. 

I haven't yet... .I'm still undecided.  It's shocking to hear from her after she told me that my replacement is an upgrade and never to contact her again.

Keep in mind the idealisation phase doesn't last.  They then triangulate in order to sustain the rs.  I broke NC four months ago, knowing that this might be a triangulation attempt but hoping it wasn't  Quite obviously it was and so I have been in NC ever since.  If you do break NC be very careful and keep to your boundaries in tact.
Logged
paperlung
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 448


« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2014, 03:31:48 PM »

This has the potential to turn into an argument, so be careful if you do answer her question. Might make you feel like crap afterwards.
Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #9 on: December 29, 2014, 03:54:24 PM »

It's not easy to hear that you have a mental illness, for anyone, and we aren't qualified to make diagnoses anyway.  It's generally not a good idea to mention BPD to an ex, and it's likely to be turned around with you being labelled the mentally ill one, but too late now.  It's up to you to decide if you'll respond or not, but this an opportunity to look at your motives, first for telling her and now for considering elaborating.  Why did you bring it up?  Validation that it wasn't you?  A desire to help?  A desire to be the solution to her issues finally, so she will welcome you back with open arms?  The fact you had a physical reaction to her text indicates you're still emotionally involved, which is understandable, and how can you use this event to further your detachment?
Logged
Lucky Jim
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6198


« Reply #10 on: December 29, 2014, 04:02:16 PM »

Hey Xidion, The text from her is something to be expected, in my view, and stems from a fear of abandonment, which is prevalent in those w/BPD.  Agree w/fromHtoH, it's generally better to leave the diagnosing to professionals, as the news is likely to be poorly received coming from you.  Why do you want to get back in touch w/her?  Only you can answer this question, which gets to the crux of the matter.  LuckyJim 
Logged

    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Indyan
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated for 15 months, court 4 months ago
Posts: 812


« Reply #11 on: December 29, 2014, 04:30:31 PM »

Why not sound like it is not your business anymore? (And it isn't in fact).

Like "It was my feeling at the time but I'm not concerned with this anymore. I'm sure a T will advise you a lot better than me on this, should you wish to see one."

Full stop.
Logged
AwakenedOne
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 776



« Reply #12 on: December 29, 2014, 07:16:02 PM »

It's shocking to hear from her after she told me that my replacement is an upgrade and never to contact her again.

She's with another man now and has insulted you with that hurtful "upgrade" remark. If she cared about your opinion or about her possibility of having it (BPD) she wouldn't have waited 30 days to ask you. Maybe she should just look up this herself and sort her life out. You might want to consider just ignoring her completely.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!